How can you talk to people about your BPD partner without sounding crazy?

[TRB]

I have been with my BPD partner for 20+ years.  The BPD traits have increased in recent years.  We are middle-aged.

I have tried talking with friends and family about some of the issues in my relationship with my BPD partner and it is clear I am living in a different world than them.  I am male and my partner is female and when my male friends try to make me feel better by sharing their most difficult experiences of their wives with PMS or in menopause I realize it does not compare to what I have experienced with my BPD partner in our daily lives.  It is really like we are on different planets.

This has led me not to even come close to sharing the full extent of my BPD partner's behavior.  I am afraid I will not be believed or seen as crazy or exaggerating.  So I have stuck to sharing this with mental health professionals (individual and couple's therapists).

It leaves me feeling lonely and isolated.  For a while I did doubt my own sanity--questioning whether my interactions with my BPD partner really were what I believed them to be--but I have gotten through that phase and know that my perceptions are real.  This is particularly hard given the fact that we live together without any children or other family members around and we don't actually do much that is social with other people these days, so no one else ever gets to witness her "BPD behavior."

Has anyone else experienced this?  Have you had any success sharing your experiences about your BPD partner with other people who are close to you, and getting compassionate responses that are helpful to you?

At this time I am not looking to leave the relationship.  I am still committed to trying to make the relationship continue to work.  I am afraid that if I share the truth about my experiences with people who are close to me, they will be shocked and their response will be, "That is horrible and unacceptable!  You must get out of this relationship right now!"  And that will not be helpful to me given my current goal of trying to do what I can to improve the relationship.  It may even damage my relationship with the people who I talk to and leave them feeling that something is wrong with me--that I have falling into "Stockholm Syndrome" or something!

I am also afraid that another response will be, "That doesn't seem true.  I know your partner and she seems normal to me, maybe a bit of a temper but I can't believe she's done the things you said.  You must have it wrong or be exaggerating."

In either case I will not get the support I need and the people close to me may even come to believe I am crazy!

Any successes or suggestions?  If the answer is "Only talk to people who really understand BPD," that would be helpful.

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[Mutt]

Has anyone else experienced this?  Have you had any success sharing your experiences about your BPD partner with other people who are close to you, and getting compassionate responses that are helpful to you?

I don't know if you experienced the same thing but it was like I was explaining two stories at the same time from my perspective and from my exe's perspective but from a BPD point of view it was hard mentally keeping track of parallel but different stories at the same time. I got "Well you must of done something for her to do that": I took it personally and I'd JADE.

My ex isn't diagnosed, I can't do that because I'm not a doctor. I'm also not responsible for her traits or to make other people understand her behaviours I stopped explaining things a long time ago and I just speak for myself and let her actions speak for themselves. My gf can see that my ex is jealous, she left me for another man and had a baby with him! She can tell that my ex is angry but it doesn't make sense, I've shared emails with her just to show her that this is what you're going to be embarking in if you choose to settle down with me later on but not once did I mention BPD, she came to her own conclusions and said that my ex is crazy and needs the help of a P do I need to explain that she has BPD? I'm not responsible for the disorder it's also not my duty to JADE ( Justify Argue Defend or Explain ) I just let behaviours speak for themselves so far friends and family have come to their own conclusions that she has serious issues that's good enough for me.

[once removed]

"sometimes its not what we say but how we say it".

im a believer that most marital issues should stay behind closed doors. that doesnt mean we dont need support, advice, someone to listen, someone to shoot the breeze with.

do you trust your friends? what are the sorts of things youd most like to talk to them about?

[lighthouse9]

This is a tough one. My STBX went off the deep end so fast and was loved and respected by everyone in my life that it left us all with our mouths hanging open. Part of the problem was that I had normalized a lot of her behaviors, or worse, took them personally as something I did wrong. Recently, I've been educating the important people in my life about BPD to help them understand where I'm at and why I won't "Just get mad and leave!"

I am mad. And she's left, so I don't have a choice here. But, I have had a few people come around to talking about BPD and those people are my trusted inner circle. For everyone else, I've been able to say something vague, like "she's got a lot going on that she needs to figure out for herself and has decided that she can't do that with me around." With my trusted people, I can explain some of the bizarre behavior, and even laugh about it (not at her by any means, just laugh at the absurdity of things). I can also express love for her, alongside my anger and disappointment, without fearing that they'll think I'm weak or in denial. All of this is new though, I have no idea what the next stage of things will be and who will be willing to consider what when discussing the situation. Hopefully, in time, it will all just be a moot point.

However, I will say this: when I started to discuss some of the hidden behaviors to my inner circle, they were concerned and wondered how we had stayed together as long as we did. They also wondered how she hid it so well, but then looked right at me and said "aha, you hid it for her." I've had to apologize for things she's done that I let her do, at the expense especially of family members. She made Christmas a living hell for everyone this year and it was impossible to ignore the way she behaved.

I guess my question for you would be this - what are you looking for when talking to others about your partner? Support? A place to vent? People to say "run!"? I would consider that first, and then consider who can give you that or who you can trust. I've had a lot of run messages, even from therapists. I didn't want to run, so I stopped discussing with them.

Wishing you the best, and you always have us here,

-L

[isilme]

I don't go into details.  I may share with VERY close friends "we had a fight, so I am a little off today."  I may go into sanitized details, and usually, do not explain much of the BPD-type behavior. 

What I tell most people:  "We disagreed over dinner and he did not agree with what/how much broccoli I cooked." 

What I type here:  "He projected his anger at his mother's extreme sedentary lifestyle and horrible 1980s type of dieting and terrible health-self-care onto me, trapped me in the kitchen (only one exit), stomped around screaming at me about how I was fat and eating this would not magically help me lose weight, and then threw a microwave steamed bag of broccoli at my head.  All I did was plan to have some ready for lunch the next few days, but he did not want to hear that, it was too late, the rage was out.  He raged the rest of the evening, it was tied to his blood sugar, it was pretty horrible and I am still upset this morning."

I stick to using words like "anxiety" and "depression".  People can understand these a little better.  "His anxiety makes this a very hard thing to get done."  "His depression can make him a little moody."

BPD is really very hard for people to grasp, how a pwBPD can be wonderful to be around, and then BANG, you are having things thrown at you all for one invalidating comment. 

Also, in my experience, it seems to be human nature to get fed up with problems that can't easily be solved.  If you try to tell a friend/family member that you plan to stay with someone who can fly off the handle, they don't want to hear about it as there is no solution.  You will get told "leave", "it must be something you did", "that's crazy you must be making it up", "it must not be that bad if you stay." 

There is little understanding how the BPD-crazy behavior does not start out right away, but creeps up, slowly, where a simple disagreement early in the relationship can end up with police being called for a similar offense years in.

Mental illnesses, in general, are also not well understood, make people uncomfortable, and again since there is no easy solution (there really aren't meds for BPD, it's all very hard and committed therapy), people get frustrated listening to you.  It upsets their calm.  I thnk of most people like Hobbits.  They like to talk about things they already know, and even repeat things that have already been said.  It's comfortable, no one feels weird, and all is good.  Then Bilbo comes in talking about trolls and dragos and they can't deal and slowly creep away from him, calling him an oddball.

[Tattered Heart]

im a believer that most marital issues should stay behind closed doors. that doesnt mean we dont need support, advice, someone to listen, someone to shoot the breeze with.

I have the same philosophy as onceremoved. I rarely tell my friends the details of our arguments but I will go to them when I need support. Like isilme I'll just say "I'm struggling right now. H and I have been arguing a lot (or H is having a lot of anxiety lately or whatever it is) but they don't need to know that my H raged out because I wanted to watch X on TV and he wanted to watch Y.

One caveat to this. If there is abuse going on I think it's important to find close, trusted friends that will support you and listen to you but not insist on you leaving the relationship if that is not what you want to do.

I disclosed BPD to my closest friends last year and found so much support. They are also people who are supportive of not just me but are rooting for my marriage to work. What I found was that I had a place to stay and an ear to listen anytime I needed it. But even better is I didn't find judgment for my decision to stay with my H. I was no longer in the shadows of what was going on in our home and that alone was enough to disinfect the shame and fear I felt.

[TRB]

Hi everyone,

This is extremely helpful.  It is good to know some people have found understanding and support among friends and family.  I might try describing some of the behaviors more specifically without using the label "BPD" since I'm not sure how important the label is and it may throw people off/close their minds if they hear that label.  And in the end I'm really looking for support and guidance in dealing with the behaviors and my own feelings and responses, whatever the label.

I have some people in mind who I think could handle this and respond in ways that are supportive and I will take some small steps to see what happens.

[once removed]

just a word of advice, dont hesitate to tell them in clear and simple terms what you need and/or dont need in terms of support.

[enlighten me]

In short you cant unless they've been through similar themselves. My family wouldn't listen or just didn't understand, my friends didn't get it either. I have a friend I met on here and weve talked a lot. One thing that stands out is the little things that we see as an example of their behaviour can only be understood by someone with a similar experience. For example if I said my ex has changed a certain behaviour he would instantly pick up on it whereas others would think that I'm over analysing things. Its this hypersensitivity to their behaviour that others just don't get. For me its a defence mechanism that helps me avoid conflict with my ex others just think that I'm exaggerating things.