Can't stop thinking of him, despite the pain.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My first thought in the morning is about my husband who totally destroyed my trust and love for him and the last thought at night is about him. Yesterday I had to move furniture in my bedroom and kept finding papers and cards from when life was good with him. It was so gut wrenching. I have changed the bedroom around to help change my mind around.

I was with him for 5 years and was totally in love with him. The pain at times is so unbearable and there is nothing I can do about it except to try and heal. It is so exhausting and I am trying to take care of my daughter, run a husehold and find work. We are ar in the courts right now and he has been a horror show.

He has already living with another woman and we aren't even divorced yet. I caught him cheating on me in February and he is living with a different woman. His family has disowned him and he hides from any accountablity for his behavior. I am the one grieving and he is just getting on with his life like I never existed. It is so damn painful, I shake all the time now from all of the stress.

I feel like a fool missing my husband so much. The man I married is dead and now I have a monster on my hands. Last night I had a dream about him. That he would come back and he still loved me. He would come back only if I met his demands. In April I had a nightmare crying for him to come back to me. Sometime s I feel so lost and it kills me that he doesn't care at all. Like someone posted. He blacked me out.

I would appreciate any help and support to get through this. I am really trying to get on with my life and do activities that make me happy. I soo miss my married life when  my husband was good. It just is such a bad nightmare and it is my nightmare.

[So hurt]

My first thought in the morning is about my husband who totally destroyed my trust and love for him and the last thought at night is about him. Yesterday I had to move furniture in my bedroom and kept finding papers and cards from when life was good with him. It was so gut wrenching. I have changed the bedroom around to help change my mind around.

I was with him for 5 years and was totally in love with him. The pain at times is so unbearable and there is nothing I can do about it except to try and heal. It is so exhausting and I am trying to take care of my daughter, run a husehold and find work. We are ar in the courts right now and he has been a horror show.

He has already living with another woman and we aren't even divorced yet. I caught him cheating on me in February and he is living with a different woman. His family has disowned him and he hides from any accountablity for his behavior. I am the one grieving and he is just getting on with his life like I never existed. It is so damn painful, I shake all the time now from all of the stress.

I feel like a fool missing my husband so much. The man I married is dead and now I have a monster on my hands. Last night I had a dream about him. That he would come back and he still loved me. He would come back only if I met his demands. In April I had a nightmare crying for him to come back to me. Sometime s I feel so lost and it kills me that he doesn't care at all. Like someone posted. He blacked me out.

I would appreciate any help and support to get through this. I am really trying to get on with my life and do activities that make me happy. I soo miss my married life when  my husband was good. It just is such a bad nightmare and it is my nightmare.

[willtimeheal]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong. I too struggle with thinking about my ex BPD all the time. To the point where I thought I had reached stalker. The people on these boards really helped.  Keep posting and write in a journal... . It helps. Also if you can find a therapist that helps immensely.

My BPD left me four months ago. She found a.New partner and just left to start a new a new life. She has text me and said she loves and want  me but she won't tell her new man the truth about how she feels... . if she even knows how she feels... . That is questionable. But my heartache and I think about her and wonder what she is doing and is she thinking about me.

You need to focus on you. You need to surround yourself with people who can support you... . family and friends. Get back to doing the things you used to enjoy. It is hard at first and you will have to.push yourself through it but it does get easier with time. Unfortunately time is the greatest healer. Keep posting and writing and know you have support here. 

[So hurt]

Thank you for your support. I am trying to get back to myself.

It is criminal how these people discard there loved ones and move on. Just horrid.

It baffles me and makes mw wonder who was I really with. Thanks again.

[Learning_curve74]

lansey, you deserve a big hug even if it's only virtual and from a stranger! 

You have to feel awful because what kind of person would you be if you didn't? Now is the time to lean on your best friends and family if you can. Stay busy and figure out what things work for you when the pain is too much and you finally need to soothe it. Some ideas could be going for a walk, doing a puzzle/crossword, watching a funny tv show, taking a hot shower/bath, clenching an ice cube in your hand, cooking a favorite meal, going to the gym, following a yoga or pilates DVD at home, a phone call to a best friend (but avoid talking about your husband), anything that can serve to distract your mind.

You are strong enough to get through this!