New to this forum

[townhouse]

Hi

Just discovered this site and thought I would join to discuss my situation with people who would probably understand.

I am a 65 year old woman who is in a 13 years relationship with a 65 year man who I believe  has BPD but has not been formally diagnosed.

We are at the moment in the middle of one of those episodes whereby he currently is not wanting to continue the relationship.

This happened twice before. 1st time 3 years ago when we separated for 6 months and  I went back when he initiated it. 2nd time 4 months ago when I went back again after 1 week when he initiated it.

During these last 4 months he was very loving and even proposed marriage and did all the gathering of paperwork for this to occur. We were very happy and I for perhaps the first time caught a glimpse of a happy future. We got through an outside matter stressful time united and strong.

Then last week we argued. I responded badly to his familiar irrational putting down of my three sons.  (who are just normal 30 year olds, all working in jobs they like and completely independent from us.) I can usually take his ranting about how he hates everyone in the world every one is awful, useless etc but I'm afraid I react when he says things that are disrespectful and untrue about my sons.

Anyway, as a result of this 'argument' he has gone silent (again) except to say that our relationship is now toxic. He hasn't actually made me leave our home this time but the silent treatment is killing me.

I am at a really low point as I don't know whether to give up or try to keep going as I do love him very much and he can be a delight to be with... .as can I.  ( I say this to show I am not suffering  low self esteem) We do not have a social life at all and he has instigated that we live in a country town away from my old friends, although I am a member of various clubs which I attend alone.

So that is how it is with me. I guess we all have various versions of this story.

Thanks for listening and I would love any comments.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

It is good that you have found us. Have you done much prior research on BPD?

A good place to start is to work your way through theLESSONS   

Attacks on your children is hard to cope with, eventually it niggles at you building resentment until you react. Have you previously had issues with this or spoken about it? Have you put any boundaries in place with consequencies if and when this occurs?

It is good that you still get out and do things for yourself, have you established a new network of friends and acquaintances? As you  realize isolation is a real problem when involved in a BPD relationship as it is hard to stay centered during the rough times.

Keep reading and posting and you will learn that even though you may not change him you will learn how to lessen the impact on him.

[townhouse]

Thanks for your reply.

I Haven't done a lot of research but the first page I read on your site spoke volumes to me.

It listed the 10 points that I should be aware of for my self in this relationship.

I feel as I am of an older generation and that people her won't be interested in my problems but I assure you,  the same problems are there no matter the age.

He seems to be making amends with me at the moment through alcohol.

Still I am confused whether to stay or go.

[waverider]

I feel as I am of an older generation and that people her won't be interested in my problems but I assure you,  the same problems are there no matter the age.

Lots of older folks here, some of whom have been living like this their whole lives.

You are in good company


It is often best to focus on staying and learning the tools here and seeing what difference you can make. That way if you do leave you will have a clearer understanding of why, this alleviates a lot of the 'what ifs" that can haunt you if you dont at least try and deal with it from the inside so to speak.

It does take committment, it wont happen overnight, and you have to take joy in making changes, the journey if you like, rather than wholly focus on end results.

For what it is worth my RS is still riddled with dysfunctional BPD behavior, but it is a happy conflict free dysfunctionality, a bit like supporting someone with a physical disability, we work around it but it is not messing with our interaction, nor making me feel miserable. This is a large cry from what it was when I first came here.

Waverider

PS Remember there is no such thing as a silly question here

[townhouse]

Thank you for your comments waverider. It is such a relief to be able to put voice to all this and receive feed back.

I intend to focus on staying and as you mention learning the tools here to see what difference can be achieved.

Take joy in the changes... .Yes

At the moment things have settled down a little after the last explosion/argument. He is slightly speaking polite necessities which is a relief. About 5 years ago after an outburst he didn't speak at all for 3 weeks which was belittling.

It has been a crazy 13 years. He has had 9 jobs, interspersed with time on Gov't support plus a failed PhD attempt. We have moved 7 times 5 purchases and 2 rentals. We have been able to achieve this because of my employment and investments. He was previously bankrupt which he mentioned after we had been together about 6 months. I haven't minded all this and have enjoyed our life together apart from the explosions, silences, threats and abuse that is.

Just recently we finished building our new home and have both retired. I thought we were both looking forward to some peace. He lives an almost solitary life apart from me. Spends all day on the computer researching politics and looking for the injustice in our country and the world. Not saying this is bad, I take an interest as well but he is so negative about everything and everyone.

I haven't really mentioned all this to anyone before so it is quite a relief to get it out.

I am slowly working my way around the site and getting the hang of it.

Again thanks for being there.

[waverider]

It has been a crazy 13 years. He has had 9 jobs, interspersed with time on Gov't support plus a failed PhD attempt. We have moved 7 times 5 purchases and 2 rentals.

This is the normal, endless restarts. A new job, house even relationships. Blaming life's problems on external influences rather than themselves, means that changing things around, rather than themselves will fix things.

If you are a person who likes change this can be exciting for you too, but for different reasons. The same issues come back to spoil the new beginnings.

If you can learn to accept new starts change nothing it is possible to be content. They key is understanding the big picture. It is unlikely he is going to change a lot now, but if you can learn to head of conflict better and accept the somewhat strange ways he may react and treat them like quirks or eccentricities, there is no reason you can have a happy future together

Waverider

[Cat Familiar]

Just recently we finished building our new home and have both retired. I thought we were both looking forward to some peace. He lives an almost solitary life apart from me. Spends all day on the computer researching politics and looking for the injustice in our country and the world. Not saying this is bad, I take an interest as well but he is so negative about everything and everyone.

Hi Townhouse, and welcome. You'll find lots of people who have stories similar to yours. My husband is also retired, we live in a rural area, he spends hours reading about politics and is very angry about the state of the world. (I look for the positive; he finds the negative--it's a big mismatch.) My husband also self-medicates with alcohol.

Our life was much more tumultuous before I found this site. One of the first things that I changed was that I quit JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining). It was tough at first because I thought he would understand my point of view if I just explained myself. NOPE. It just made him mad. At times, it's difficult to swallow my defense and not say anything when he's dysregulating, but I've learned that is like pouring gasoline on the fire.

One of the things that I struggled with more than anything else was the "unfairness" of the situation. I need to be emotionally responsible and monitor my communication, trying to eliminate anything that would be potentially invalidating to him, while he's free to be a jerk. Of course nothing in life is fair and I willingly entered this relationship, which provides a lot of positives for me in other ways. Once I got past that feeling, I discovered that the episodes of dysregulation were far fewer and I could recognize when they were beginning and do something to prevent them from being focused upon me.

Please keep reading and posting more of your story.  

Cat

Oh, and we finished a years-long housebuilding project too.

[ColdEthyl]

He lives an almost solitary life apart from me. Spends all day on the computer researching politics and looking for the injustice in our country and the world. Not saying this is bad, I take an interest as well but he is so negative about everything and everyone.

Hello and welcome!

My dBPDh does this as well! He spends most of his time reading and commenting about politics. He also has that black/white thinking that's a feature of BPD.

I'm glad you found us, and I hope you find the lessons and tools helpful! Please feel free to talk/ask anything you want we all understand and we are here to support each other <3

[townhouse]

Hello again and apologies for not replying sooner.

Thanks again to Waverider... .you have given me some hope for the future.

Cat... .we share new building as well. Your words about the whole unfairness of the situation really hit home to me. This is my struggle. It's like I have to communicate with him on such an aware level that I lose myself sometimes. And even then, the slightest mistake can set us way back.

I didn't know it at the time but I have been trying to practice not Jadeing (justifying, arguing, defending and explaining) in the past but I lost it about 10 days ago when he went on and on about my sons. However, I think I could have stopped Jadeing at that time but the unfairness of when he  made me leave the 2nd time (4 months ago ) was still playing heavily on my mind so a lot of stuff came out.

Including how he reacted to the fact that one of his daughters (40 years old) stopped talking to him claiming she was fed up with him being so selfish (she doesn't see it as a mental issue)

The result of the daughter not speaking made him completely forget what he had done to me.

Plus over these months although being very nice to me, he went on and on about what happened when he broke up with her mother 25 years ago. I just had to listen to him telling me that it was his ex wife's fault and that he had been completely blameless and caring afterwards. Our break up 2nd time didn't get a thought except that somehow it was my fault his daughter wasn't speaking. I guess I felt completely invalidated.

And yet Cat you say you got over that feeling of the unfairness so I guess I must learn to do this too. You say you learnt to "recognise when they (dis regulations) were beginning and to do something to prevent them from being focused upon me" Oh how I hope I can learn to do this consistently.

Cold Ethyl thanks for your words of encouragement.

At the moment things are still very shakey. One moment and he is almost back with me, other times I feel he's just waiting until he can get rid of me again. This time he claims for my own good because he has seen we are "toxic" together. Maybe it is just a matter of time but I've told him that "this is our home and I'm not leaving"

Mind you I have had to come down to the city for a couple of days for a medical procedure. He wouldn't consider coming with me (even when not in this state) as he believes he needs the quiet of the country and the green of the trees to let him be still... .his words. Yes We both know he needs to be calm but I really need him to help me after the procedure and will have to rely on old friends whom he doesn't like. Selfish or BPD?

Thanks for listening

[Cat Familiar]

I didn't know it at the time but I have been trying to practice not Jadeing (justifying, arguing, defending and explaining) in the past but I lost it about 10 days ago when he went on and on about my sons. However, I think I could have stopped Jadeing at that time but the unfairness of when he  made me leave the 2nd time (4 months ago ) was still playing heavily on my mind so a lot of stuff came out.

Including how he reacted to the fact that one of his daughters (40 years old) stopped talking to him claiming she was fed up with him being so selfish (she doesn't see it as a mental issue)

The result of the daughter not speaking made him completely forget what he had done to me.

Plus over these months although being very nice to me, he went on and on about what happened when he broke up with her mother 25 years ago. I just had to listen to him telling me that it was his ex wife's fault and that he had been completely blameless and caring afterwards. Our break up 2nd time didn't get a thought except that somehow it was my fault his daughter wasn't speaking. I guess I felt completely invalidated.

Good that you figured out not to JADE on your own.   I just about had to be hit over the head just to notice that I was doing that--it was during couple's counseling when our therapist made a comment about me being defensive. I was shocked! I just thought I was "explaining myself" but now I'm understanding that doing that as a lifelong habit put me into a weaker position. Sure don't want to continue that!

Something that stood out in your words was that your SO has a tendency to complain not only about your sons, but about his daughter, his ex-wife, politics, etc. and that you are his audience for these endless complaints. You can establish a boundary; you don't have to listen to this. You can't change his behavior and it sounds like his complaining is pretty entrenched, but you might tell him that he's free to feel the way he does, but it's upsetting to you to hear him talk that way about your sons and whatever else you don't want to hear. Then enforce the boundary by walking into another room, going for a walk, leaving or whatever. Be prepared, the first few times you do this, it will be upsetting to him, but if you remain calm and follow through, he will learn that you mean it. Also, your reaction to listening to his complaints won't set him off on dysregulated behavior.

I'm sorry he won't be of support when you need his help, but it might do you good just to be away from him for a while.

Definitely selfish in my book, and only you can tell us if he fits the profile for BPD.

[Jessica84]

Putting down your sons is clearly a trigger for you. It would be for ANY mother, I would think. I don't have children, but I have a mother and I know she would defend me against anyone.

He may be using this to push a hot button. This way he can make it your fault when a fight occurs. Or use it as an excuse to kick you out because the relationship has become "toxic" - even if he's the one dumping in the poison.

I've noticed my bf will create arguments out of thin air to "release" some of the pressure building inside him. Since coming to this site, I've taken the bait far less. Without getting the reaction he was hoping for, much of it has stopped. But there are times when he pushes really hard or catches me on a bad day... eventually finding my weakness and getting me angry enough to react... .which never goes well. The good news is he's running out of buttons! That doesn't stop him from pushing other people's... .and I have to hear about horrible EVERYONE is... .but at least he's not pushing mine as much.

Hang in there. The lessons on this site help a great deal.

[townhouse]

I'm feeling very upset at the moment. Came back from day surgery and tried to ring him to say everything OK but his phone was switched off. Doesn't answer again today.

How can he be this uncaring and rude when 10 days ago he was telling me he loved me and was happily planning our wedding.

I know I know it's the disease and it's horrible.

I am still reading and learning from this site and I am so sorry to read about other people going through these awful times.

[ColdEthyl]

I'm feeling very upset at the moment. Came back from day surgery and tried to ring him to say everything OK but his phone was switched off. Doesn't answer again today.

How can he be this uncaring and rude when 10 days ago he was telling me he loved me and was happily planning our wedding.

I know I know it's the disease and it's horrible.

I am still reading and learning from this site and I am so sorry to read about other people going through these awful times.

Hello townhouse... .I am so sorry this is happening  I know it hurts when you expect them to be there, and they are not.

Your H is selfish, but BPD does fuel it. They can't accept or admit blame because it's too painful for them, so they do project it. Thus, it's your fault, the ex's fault, the politicians fault... .but nonono... .never his.

The two hardest things to learn as a non... .no JADEing, and not taking it personal. He will hate you one minutes, and love you the next. He means what he says at the time. He will say things that he knows are buttons of yours because he wants you to get mad. If you get mad... .then he dfeels like he's allowed to be angry at you.

My H attempted to tear into me the other night about how I play at the casino. We go once or twice a year. He was angry/edgy about something else (I can't recall, it was that small) and he turned his guns on me. It was sad... .the best thing he could muster up is some nonsense about me not looking at the reels enough and how much I suck at casino gambling.

Once you can get to the place to where you can sort of separate him from the disorder, some of this stuff gets a lot easier for you. Comical, even.

[townhouse]

I hope it OK to keep this thread going about my situation and I do really appreciate the feed back you have all given. Though sad to read about other peoples problems with their significant other, gradually I am seeing the patterns that trend through all their behaviours. It helps to not feel alone in this ongoing saga that is our life when it is affected by BPD.

He finally answered his phone and we had a small polite conversation about my procedure and what I've been up to while back in the city. He seems to be feeling a bit sorry for himself at the moment.

Anyway I've decided to spend a couple more days down here to give him space and to do things for myself. I wish I didn't have this constant fear in the back of my mind that he is still going to end the relationship again.  I can deal with the tools needed for this relationship to succeed but I find it difficult be the positive happy person I know I can be with this hanging over my head.

[waverider]

I hope it OK to keep this thread going about my situation and I do really appreciate the feed back you have all given.

Topics are normally allowed to run to 6 pages.

if there is a specific issue you wish to raise it sometimes gets better responses with a new topic and title so that it is more readily seen rather than just continued in a general topic.