Part 2: Started therapy today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

mod note: this thread was split from a previous discussion. Part 1 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338385.30


Hi again gizmo.

My heart so goes out to you, and I just want you to know I'm in a very similar place emotionally as you. The realization that I have to go through my past with my T to work through and heal the wounds that made me vulnerable to my ex has me terrified, ashamed and has made me begin to isolate and shut down. I honestly haven't been "okay" since Thursday, when my T asked me what I would say to her if she were here right now - and I broke down crying.
  

I think that is what has happened and that's why I feel like a cornered rat, Mary is going to drag it out of me kicking and screaming. I feel terrified too. If you ever feel like you are not "okay", come here and talk or read others stories. I actually just read in Mary's book that to heal, it's important to talk to other empathetic people who can validate our emotions, that's what the family is all about. Many a bad day I have come here frustrated and upset only to become centred and regulated.

 You want to heal. I want to heal. And we're both going to need to be courageous for ourselves to do that, agreed? If there's anything my ex gave to me it's the realization that no one is going to heal me, but me. I've spent a lifetime healing others to distract myself from my own wounds and demons, and it wasn't until my ex utterly broke me - completely broke me - that I finally looked at myself and said this is my only life, I don't want to continue living it pretending I'm okay. I want to admit I'm not, heal it and find true peace. Perhaps even more importantly, I want to believe that I deserve true peace. Easier said than done though, right?  

Agreed. This is what I have essentially done with my ex. I have tried to fix her rather than fix myself because fixing myself is so painful and traumatic, the abuse was the easier option, a way to block the pain. I feel stripped bare without her, the ultimate project to fix, the unfixable, more than enough distraction to last a lifetime, gone, leaving nothing to block it out and that's why it is surfacing. IAR is correct, it is haunting me, the wounds deep and bleeding right now, crying out for attention. I am not okay either, yes, easier said than done.

I'm scared because, among other things, there's a core piece that I know I'm going to have to discuss with my T that I don't like talking about. In the spirit of the courage we're both going to need, I'll share it with you (and I know how sensitive this will be given what you've shared with me) -  

Yes, me too. I did not just suffer abuse at the hands of 1 person, there was somebody else too that did unspeakable things. I cannot for the life of me even wrap my head around the thought of telling anybody, nobody knows. The shame is, there is just no words.

That's how I tried to cope with it all. But when I was 20, and in college, things got really bad. And one night I lost control, and slit my wrists. I was extremely lucky, and a very close friend sensed what was going on that night and called for help. The only emotion I feel about that incident is abject shame. It's debilitating.

I remember the faces of the paramedics that came that night. I remember the solemn sadness in the voice of the police officer who talked to me while the paramedics worked. I remember the horrific look of guilt on my roommates face (he was asleep, and was woken by the paramedics knocking at our door.) I remember the confused look on the random little girl's face as she stared at the bandages on my wrists at the airport a few days later, when my roommate and I picked up my  mother who flew in to take me home.

I remember, I will always remember, the devastated look in my mothers eyes when she first came off her flight and hugged me.

Looking back it's so sad - I was the one who had tried to take my own life, but all I felt was guilt and shame. All those who cared about me, who blamed themselves for not "helping" me, for not "knowing" what was going on...I felt all the sorrow and guilt they felt for me, and it absolutely leveled me. So I shut down, isolated and pretended I was okay - that it was a momentary lapse in reason.

My close friend who kept me on the phone until the paramedics got there - I will never stop feeling guilty for what I burdened them with that night.  

I think that just took a lot of guts for you to share and you should be proud of yourself, that was a very brave thing to do. I instantly connected to the things you said, I feel your shame and I empathize with you all the way. I did this too when I was around 12, my mother looked at me in exactly the same way, I remember the nurse looking at me, I remember seeing a psychiatrist and lying to him when he asked if things were "ok" at home. "You can tell me anything" he said, I remember the fear looking at him, I also remember what happened when I got home. I remember my school teacher taking me to one side asking the same. I remember the postman giving me encouraging words telling me he had heard "shouting" and I should go to him if I need to. It was a momentary lapse for me to, consequences of those actions still affect me to this day, it has not happened since and never will. I feel your guilt and your shame. I think I was overloaded, all sorts of things were happening at home, my dad had died and I'm unsure how many funerals I had been to at that stage. My nan had just died prior to this and I just could not take anymore. I was made to feel bad for being upset, many things changed that day for me, I feel horrible when I'm showed attention, shamed.

I rarely ever talked about it all again, until I met my ex-BPD. This is precisely where she bonded with me. She always said, "the first thing I noticed about you was the sadness in your eyes." In the beginning she made me feel safe, understood and loved. I've always said she had a way of making me feel not alone, in a way no one else ever had. She shared with me all her struggles and all her trauma, particularly her bulimia and her own depression. It felt so nice to be understood and loved - despite all my internal flaws.  

I met my ex at 15 and fell in the same trap, not knowing what she was, no concept of boundaries, I thought I had hit the jackpot. Looking back she always craved validation "I'm fat, my legs look weird" etc, my wildest dreams, someone to validate because I had learned I was not worthy of it. For 20yrs she would take and I would give. It's good that you can see what the attraction was to your ex, by learning this we can see our own flaws and weaknesses, things that only we can work on and strengthen.

But once the devaluation began, what was once safe became her weapon of choosing to club me. She became a victim of my depression, over and over. Whenever she'd have her drunken bouts of rage - she'd always use my depression, and that suicide attempt from my past, against me.  Simultaneously, she'd use her bulimia to make me feel guilty. She'd yell at me for buying pizza and leaving slices at her apartment (trigger food for her.) Or she'd tell me I'd caused her to binge and purge. All of this of just triggered all that shame and guilt I'd never worked through and was still mired deep within me. It was like reliving it all again, and I believed her and felt like a horrible, worthless person. It even went so far as to make me start thinking this world would be a better place without me - though I have far too much shame to have ever said that. I wonder sometimes if that wasn't what her ultimate goal was - to drive me to suicide. She claimed to have driven someone to suicide before me. I'd like not to believe that - but after everything she put me through, I don't consider any possibility out of bounds.  

I have read so many times how a pwBPD uses our own trauma to inflict further trauma, I am no stranger to this either. You can see the connections and shows that you have already grown so much from this experience. We do believe them dont we, I think that's why we crave them, we want them to put the bandage back on and we will go to extreme lengths to numb the pain, just being away from them is extremely damaging to our sense of self, it is truly horrible and I empathize with everybody on this board in that respect, my heart goes out to all. I too have thought the world would be a better place without me in it but it's simply not true, my children need me more right now than they probably ever will in their lives. I am determined to provide for them a sense of normality, an environment free of put downs, verbal attacks and emotional abandonment. To many degrees I have achieved this but they are now left with their own issues that they need help with, I will be that person holding their hand, showing them that they can live productive, functional lives. This reason is right up there with the many reasons I am in therapy, me helping me will help them. Rise above it gizmo, nobody should ever make another human being believe they are better off dead. I've said it many times but you have to try and not take it personally, it really does have very little to do with you.

 It is the most brutal treatment I've ever been through - and the whole time I desperately wanted to just get back to that safe place, that loving person, I'd met in the beginning. I just kept thinking if she knew how much I loved her, and I just kept focusing on her pain and her emotions, she wouldn't treat me this way. It was so brutal.  

It is brutal, a soul destroying experience. That loving person does not exist, very, very hard to accept.

My deepest fear is that the pain and depression within me will hurt those who care about me. So I've always hidden it away, and felt safer helping others through their emotions - rather than opening up to them about mine. She just confirmed that fear.  

I could of wrote that myself. I have always found it safer helping others, I'm conditioned to do it (I could write a library here). My whole life has been about other people's emotions. Mine do not seem to count to me. I guess she has confirmed that to you yes but I feel that if we ourselves become healthier, we would only open up to people who are healthy and guard ourselves against people who would use our weaknesses against us.

 See LT - I know what I need to talk and work through with my T. It's just terrifying to me. I've cried the whole time writing this, and this is an anonymous message board. The thought of telling this to a T, in person, is petrifying. It's basically letting go of the only way I've ever known how to cope with my wounds.  

I'm right there with you gizmo, it is terrifying. You cry whenever you want, I have shed many tears writing and reading posts, even today reading IAR's post, that one really got me, so much truth and empathy came through (thank you IAR :hug. Yes, I feel your trepidation, it is essentially letting goes isn't it? I cannot think of anything more scary. I have been told it will be worth it, and that's what will make me continue on this path.

 But this is my only life. This is your only life. Don't we both deserve peace? Don't we both deserve happiness? I don't know you personally, and I don't know what you went through as a child - what you allude to sounds horrific, and I'm so very sorry that you went through any of it.  

Thank you for your words, its appreciated. I think yes, why should we not be happy? I know deep down I'm not a bad person, I genuinely care about everybody around me, I will literally do anything for anybody, where is my happiness? Where is yours? I think we have to go get it gizmo.

 I just want you to know, while you're in your corner of the world facing your wounds, I'm over here in my corner of the world facing mine. There's only one way to get to the other side for us, and that's to go through what we're both terrified of facing.  

Cold hard truth  

 Hopefully we'll both look back at our ex-BPDs not as scars or trauma, but as the catalysts that finally forced us to face our deepest fears and wounds...and finally forced us to heal ourselves.

My heart goes out to you, and I wish you nothing but courage.  

I hope so, I sincerely do.

I want you to know that i have really enjoyed your posts (and others posts) and you come across as a very kind and genuinely lovely person, your words have lifted me back up on what has been a very emotional and thought provoking day.

My heart goes out to you also, and I too wish you nothing but courage.

LT,

[Longterm]

mod note: this thread was split from a previous discussion. Part 1 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338385.30


Hi again gizmo.

My heart so goes out to you, and I just want you to know I'm in a very similar place emotionally as you. The realization that I have to go through my past with my T to work through and heal the wounds that made me vulnerable to my ex has me terrified, ashamed and has made me begin to isolate and shut down. I honestly haven't been "okay" since Thursday, when my T asked me what I would say to her if she were here right now - and I broke down crying.
  

I think that is what has happened and that's why I feel like a cornered rat, Mary is going to drag it out of me kicking and screaming. I feel terrified too. If you ever feel like you are not "okay", come here and talk or read others stories. I actually just read in Mary's book that to heal, it's important to talk to other empathetic people who can validate our emotions, that's what the family is all about. Many a bad day I have come here frustrated and upset only to become centred and regulated.

 You want to heal. I want to heal. And we're both going to need to be courageous for ourselves to do that, agreed? If there's anything my ex gave to me it's the realization that no one is going to heal me, but me. I've spent a lifetime healing others to distract myself from my own wounds and demons, and it wasn't until my ex utterly broke me - completely broke me - that I finally looked at myself and said this is my only life, I don't want to continue living it pretending I'm okay. I want to admit I'm not, heal it and find true peace. Perhaps even more importantly, I want to believe that I deserve true peace. Easier said than done though, right?  

Agreed. This is what I have essentially done with my ex. I have tried to fix her rather than fix myself because fixing myself is so painful and traumatic, the abuse was the easier option, a way to block the pain. I feel stripped bare without her, the ultimate project to fix, the unfixable, more than enough distraction to last a lifetime, gone, leaving nothing to block it out and that's why it is surfacing. IAR is correct, it is haunting me, the wounds deep and bleeding right now, crying out for attention. I am not okay either, yes, easier said than done.

I'm scared because, among other things, there's a core piece that I know I'm going to have to discuss with my T that I don't like talking about. In the spirit of the courage we're both going to need, I'll share it with you (and I know how sensitive this will be given what you've shared with me) -  

Yes, me too. I did not just suffer abuse at the hands of 1 person, there was somebody else too that did unspeakable things. I cannot for the life of me even wrap my head around the thought of telling anybody, nobody knows. The shame is, there is just no words.

That's how I tried to cope with it all. But when I was 20, and in college, things got really bad. And one night I lost control, and slit my wrists. I was extremely lucky, and a very close friend sensed what was going on that night and called for help. The only emotion I feel about that incident is abject shame. It's debilitating.

I remember the faces of the paramedics that came that night. I remember the solemn sadness in the voice of the police officer who talked to me while the paramedics worked. I remember the horrific look of guilt on my roommates face (he was asleep, and was woken by the paramedics knocking at our door.) I remember the confused look on the random little girl's face as she stared at the bandages on my wrists at the airport a few days later, when my roommate and I picked up my  mother who flew in to take me home.

I remember, I will always remember, the devastated look in my mothers eyes when she first came off her flight and hugged me.

Looking back it's so sad - I was the one who had tried to take my own life, but all I felt was guilt and shame. All those who cared about me, who blamed themselves for not "helping" me, for not "knowing" what was going on...I felt all the sorrow and guilt they felt for me, and it absolutely leveled me. So I shut down, isolated and pretended I was okay - that it was a momentary lapse in reason.

My close friend who kept me on the phone until the paramedics got there - I will never stop feeling guilty for what I burdened them with that night.  

I think that just took a lot of guts for you to share and you should be proud of yourself, that was a very brave thing to do. I instantly connected to the things you said, I feel your shame and I empathize with you all the way. I did this too when I was around 12, my mother looked at me in exactly the same way, I remember the nurse looking at me, I remember seeing a psychiatrist and lying to him when he asked if things were "ok" at home. "You can tell me anything" he said, I remember the fear looking at him, I also remember what happened when I got home. I remember my school teacher taking me to one side asking the same. I remember the postman giving me encouraging words telling me he had heard "shouting" and I should go to him if I need to. It was a momentary lapse for me to, consequences of those actions still affect me to this day, it has not happened since and never will. I feel your guilt and your shame. I think I was overloaded, all sorts of things were happening at home, my dad had died and I'm unsure how many funerals I had been to at that stage. My nan had just died prior to this and I just could not take anymore. I was made to feel bad for being upset, many things changed that day for me, I feel horrible when I'm showed attention, shamed.

I rarely ever talked about it all again, until I met my ex-BPD. This is precisely where she bonded with me. She always said, "the first thing I noticed about you was the sadness in your eyes." In the beginning she made me feel safe, understood and loved. I've always said she had a way of making me feel not alone, in a way no one else ever had. She shared with me all her struggles and all her trauma, particularly her bulimia and her own depression. It felt so nice to be understood and loved - despite all my internal flaws.  

I met my ex at 15 and fell in the same trap, not knowing what she was, no concept of boundaries, I thought I had hit the jackpot. Looking back she always craved validation "I'm fat, my legs look weird" etc, my wildest dreams, someone to validate because I had learned I was not worthy of it. For 20yrs she would take and I would give. It's good that you can see what the attraction was to your ex, by learning this we can see our own flaws and weaknesses, things that only we can work on and strengthen.

But once the devaluation began, what was once safe became her weapon of choosing to club me. She became a victim of my depression, over and over. Whenever she'd have her drunken bouts of rage - she'd always use my depression, and that suicide attempt from my past, against me.  Simultaneously, she'd use her bulimia to make me feel guilty. She'd yell at me for buying pizza and leaving slices at her apartment (trigger food for her.) Or she'd tell me I'd caused her to binge and purge. All of this of just triggered all that shame and guilt I'd never worked through and was still mired deep within me. It was like reliving it all again, and I believed her and felt like a horrible, worthless person. It even went so far as to make me start thinking this world would be a better place without me - though I have far too much shame to have ever said that. I wonder sometimes if that wasn't what her ultimate goal was - to drive me to suicide. She claimed to have driven someone to suicide before me. I'd like not to believe that - but after everything she put me through, I don't consider any possibility out of bounds.  

I have read so many times how a pwBPD uses our own trauma to inflict further trauma, I am no stranger to this either. You can see the connections and shows that you have already grown so much from this experience. We do believe them dont we, I think that's why we crave them, we want them to put the bandage back on and we will go to extreme lengths to numb the pain, just being away from them is extremely damaging to our sense of self, it is truly horrible and I empathize with everybody on this board in that respect, my heart goes out to all. I too have thought the world would be a better place without me in it but it's simply not true, my children need me more right now than they probably ever will in their lives. I am determined to provide for them a sense of normality, an environment free of put downs, verbal attacks and emotional abandonment. To many degrees I have achieved this but they are now left with their own issues that they need help with, I will be that person holding their hand, showing them that they can live productive, functional lives. This reason is right up there with the many reasons I am in therapy, me helping me will help them. Rise above it gizmo, nobody should ever make another human being believe they are better off dead. I've said it many times but you have to try and not take it personally, it really does have very little to do with you.

 It is the most brutal treatment I've ever been through - and the whole time I desperately wanted to just get back to that safe place, that loving person, I'd met in the beginning. I just kept thinking if she knew how much I loved her, and I just kept focusing on her pain and her emotions, she wouldn't treat me this way. It was so brutal.  

It is brutal, a soul destroying experience. That loving person does not exist, very, very hard to accept.

My deepest fear is that the pain and depression within me will hurt those who care about me. So I've always hidden it away, and felt safer helping others through their emotions - rather than opening up to them about mine. She just confirmed that fear.  

I could of wrote that myself. I have always found it safer helping others, I'm conditioned to do it (I could write a library here). My whole life has been about other people's emotions. Mine do not seem to count to me. I guess she has confirmed that to you yes but I feel that if we ourselves become healthier, we would only open up to people who are healthy and guard ourselves against people who would use our weaknesses against us.

 See LT - I know what I need to talk and work through with my T. It's just terrifying to me. I've cried the whole time writing this, and this is an anonymous message board. The thought of telling this to a T, in person, is petrifying. It's basically letting go of the only way I've ever known how to cope with my wounds.  

I'm right there with you gizmo, it is terrifying. You cry whenever you want, I have shed many tears writing and reading posts, even today reading IAR's post, that one really got me, so much truth and empathy came through (thank you IAR :hug. Yes, I feel your trepidation, it is essentially letting goes isn't it? I cannot think of anything more scary. I have been told it will be worth it, and that's what will make me continue on this path.

 But this is my only life. This is your only life. Don't we both deserve peace? Don't we both deserve happiness? I don't know you personally, and I don't know what you went through as a child - what you allude to sounds horrific, and I'm so very sorry that you went through any of it.  

Thank you for your words, its appreciated. I think yes, why should we not be happy? I know deep down I'm not a bad person, I genuinely care about everybody around me, I will literally do anything for anybody, where is my happiness? Where is yours? I think we have to go get it gizmo.

 I just want you to know, while you're in your corner of the world facing your wounds, I'm over here in my corner of the world facing mine. There's only one way to get to the other side for us, and that's to go through what we're both terrified of facing.  

Cold hard truth  

 Hopefully we'll both look back at our ex-BPDs not as scars or trauma, but as the catalysts that finally forced us to face our deepest fears and wounds...and finally forced us to heal ourselves.

My heart goes out to you, and I wish you nothing but courage.  

I hope so, I sincerely do.

I want you to know that i have really enjoyed your posts (and others posts) and you come across as a very kind and genuinely lovely person, your words have lifted me back up on what has been a very emotional and thought provoking day.

My heart goes out to you also, and I too wish you nothing but courage.

LT,

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi LT,

What you posted about what you are experiencing reminded me of this:

Breakthrough crisis

It's the first on the list of the Survivor's Guide on the PSI board.

You may not be ready to read through the whole thing, but the breakthrough crisis sounds very similar to what you are going through.

It can be overwhelming. But this is a process, not an all-at-once thing. Therapists who are trained in trauma focused therapy know how to gently guide you through at a pace that works. You're at the beginning, don't jump ahead too far and worry about having to tell someone face to face about the trauma. You can work up to that. Baby steps. We will take them with you, we've got you.

[Longterm]

Wow, ok, that is exactly how I felt IAR.

A scared little child, that's exactly the best way to describe it.

I will continue this, maybe later. I have not slept and it's time for work now, but I definitely want to discuss this.

Thank you.

LT.

[gizmo7247]

I want you to know that i have really enjoyed your posts (and others posts) and you come across as a very kind and genuinely lovely person, your words have lifted me back up on what has been a very emotional and thought provoking day.

My heart goes out to you also, and I too wish you nothing but courage.

LT,

The feeling is mutual. Reading your initial post about what you were experiencing starting therapy really helped me, when I really needed it. I've been through therapy - 2 years of it - but to be honest, looking back, a lot of the work back then was that T (who had realized I was with a BPD but didn't yet tell me) helping me navigate and cope with the rollercoaster.

I started seeing my new T a month ago, and we're just now getting into deeper issues within me - which has me very unsettled. This T is getting deeper into my childhood and gently pushing me to look deeper within myself and the wounds. Reading your posts helped me better understand the anxiety I've been having and identifying why it was occurring. I genuinely appreciate you sharing your experiences.

I have read so many times how a pwBPD uses our own trauma to inflict further trauma, I am no stranger to this either. You can see the connections and shows that you have already grown so much from this experience. We do believe them dont we, I think that's why we crave them, we want them to put the bandage back on and we will go to extreme lengths to numb the pain, just being away from them is extremely damaging to our sense of self, it is truly horrible and I empathize with everybody on this board in that respect, my heart goes out to all. I too have thought the world would be a better place without me in it but it's simply not true, my children need me more right now than they probably ever will in their lives. I am determined to provide for them a sense of normality, an environment free of put downs, verbal attacks and emotional abandonment. To many degrees I have achieved this but they are now left with their own issues that they need help with, I will be that person holding their hand, showing them that they can live productive, functional lives. This reason is right up there with the many reasons I am in therapy, me helping me will help them. Rise above it gizmo, nobody should ever make another human being believe they are better off dead. I've said it many times but you have to try and not take it personally, it really does have very little to do with you.

I honestly still struggle with this. How she treated me, particularly in the end, is not how human beings treat other human beings. But I didn't take that as a reflection of her, I took that as a reflection on me - thus one of my core flaws/wounds. I gauged my self worth based on how she treated me. The damage was tangible - I isolated my self, stopped eating (I lost 30 pounds in the month after the breakup), I couldn't fall asleep - when I eventually did I'd wake up a couple hours later and be immediately ambushed by strangling thoughts. I was basically a walking zombie.

I survived that initial stage sheerly through willpower. What I'm finding now is that the harder part is going to be therapy, and working through the underlying wounds. But I don't want to ever feel like that again, nor do I ever want to give another person the power to affect me like that again - so I know this work, as hard as it is going to be, must be done.

I don't have children, the closest I have are my niece and nephew - and I love them more than anything. Your resolve to be better for your children, to face what you're facing and do the work to be better in order to be better for them - is incredible. I admire you for that, and you should commend yourself. Your love and resolve for your children is inspiring.

I'm right there with you gizmo, it is terrifying. You cry whenever you want, I have shed many tears writing and reading posts, even today reading IAR's post, that one really got me, so much truth and empathy came through (thank you IAR Virtual hug (click to insert in post). Yes, I feel your trepidation, it is essentially letting goes isn't it? I cannot think of anything more scary. I have been told it will be worth it, and that's what will make me continue on this path.

I have been told the same, and I keep faith that it will be worth it, though it's such an abstract thought to me - because this is all I've known my entire life. But I really only have one choice - more of the same, or have faith that doing something different, with this work, will net out worthwhile on the other side. I don't want more of the same anymore.

I've heard it said that addicts only move to recovery when they hit rock bottom. Well, she was unquestionably my rock bottom.

Thank you for your words, its appreciated. I think yes, why should we not be happy? I know deep down I'm not a bad person, I genuinely care about everybody around me, I will literally do anything for anybody, where is my happiness? Where is yours? I think we have to go get it gizmo.

Again, we are certainly kindred spirits. My T made me do homework the other week - I said in our session that I only thought I was worthwhile when I was doing something for someone. She made me dissect that statement, literally pros and cons, how it was helpful and how it wasn't, and reframe the concept in my mind.

I've spent my life being there for everyone around me, while struggling with sadness internally. So I'd double down my efforts and give more of myself to others, thinking that would make me more worthwhile and would help me achieve happiness. The notion of going and getting my (our) own happiness is so foreign to me, I don't even know what it means or where to begin.

At least my T has gotten me to the point where I understand how dysfunctional that way of thinking is...so I think that's a start?

[Longterm]

 

  I honestly still struggle with this. How she treated me, particularly in the end, is not how human beings treat other human beings. But I didn't take that as a reflection of her, I took that as a reflection on me - thus one of my core flaws/wounds. I gauged my self worth based on how she treated me. The damage was tangible - I isolated my self, stopped eating (I lost 30 pounds in the month after the breakup), I couldn't fall asleep - when I eventually did I'd wake up a couple hours later and be immediately ambushed by strangling thoughts. I was basically a walking zombie.

I survived that initial stage sheerly through willpower. What I'm finding now is that the harder part is going to be therapy, and working through the underlying wounds. But I don't want to ever feel like that again, nor do I ever want to give another person the power to affect me like that again - so I know this work, as hard as it is going to be, must be done. 

I don't have children, the closest I have are my niece and nephew - and I love them more than anything. Your resolve to be better for your children, to face what you're facing and do the work to be better in order to be better for them - is incredible. I admire you for that, and you should commend yourself. Your love and resolve for your children is inspiring. 

I still struggle with sleep here and there, normally when theres any form of contact. I can relate to the weight loss etc. I dropped down to 69kg, I could go 5-6 days without eating, I very rarely felt hungry because my mind was somewhere else. The damage IS tangible, it is an experience I will never forget, writing about it last week deeply affected me. The zombie you speak of is a  very good description, just existing but no life, a pair of lungs, nothing more. Was it willpower or was it strength you never knew you had? The odds of you self destructing were fairly high when you look at it, would anybody have blamed you for going completely off the rails? You didnt though did you? That should be seen for what it is, huge depth of character, tenacity in all its glory   

It is the least I can do, I came to realise I failed to protect my children, I'm far from proud of it.

this is all I've known my entire life. But I really only have one choice - more of the same, or have faith that doing something different, with this work, will net out worthwhile on the other side. I don't want more of the same anymore.

It's not worked has it?, that's what I see. Our way of living, or even surviving if you want to take it further has caused us to dig a very deep hole. It has gotten us nowhere and caused us nothing but huge amounts of pain. Have you ever heard of how Einstein described insanity? "Doing the same thing over and over again, expected different results". Its right up there in my favourite quotes list  it resonates so strongly in this situation. Theres only so many times one can put their hand in the fire before asking "hold on a minute, is this a good idea?". I dont want anymore of the same either.

  I said in our session that I only thought I was worthwhile when I was doing something for someone. She made me dissect that statement, literally pros and cons, how it was helpful and how it wasn't, and reframe the concept in my mind. 

I've spent my life being there for everyone around me, while struggling with sadness internally. So I'd double down my efforts and give more of myself to others, thinking that would make me more worthwhile and would help me achieve happiness. The notion of going and getting my (our) own happiness is so foreign to me, I don't even know what it means or where to begin. 

At least my T has gotten me to the point where I understand how dysfunctional that way of thinking is...so I think that's a start? 

I could talk about this all day. It is embedded in me and although I feel I am taking small steps steps it is a huge problem moving forward. I bought the big blue book of codependency and the first chapter was written for me, I plan to carry on with it at some point, I just have a lot going on right now, that's not an excuse, I'm doing things bit by bit. What you wrote could have been written by me, it felt like it was written by me, the way you described it was very like me. You may benefit from this book.

Yes it is a start, a good start.

LT.

[Longterm]

REMEMBERING [Step 1]: For many survivors, this first step represents the first sign that their past has caught up with them. Survivors at this point often experience a "breakthrough crisis": something happens to release a flood of old memories, feelings and even physical sensations of the abuse. Although this crisis does not necessarily destab ilize all survivors, for many it can be the most harrowing time in recovery, and it often provides the impetus to finally face the past.

For those of you who experienced less severe abuse, the breakthrough crisis may manifest itself not as a new crisis, but rather as a low-grade, perpetual state of disorganization in which everything that can go wrong does go wrong. This reinforces your anxiety, depression and shame all your worst feelings about yourself. Survivors of extreme and prolonged physical and/or sexual abuse in which terror or violence typically occurred often experience a more dramatic breakthrough crisis. This is usually triggered by some event: seeing a movie, engaging in a relationship that unexpectedly turns abusive or having a sexual experience that somehow parallels the childhood sexual abuse. This leaves you feeling like the scared little child again, lacking any sort of adult control over your life. You may even think you are going crazy and may come up with all sorts of possible explanations for what is going on.

As a child, you developed formidable psychological defenses to protect yourself against this massive assault, and you probably continued to rely on these rigid defenses well into adulthood, until they no longer worked for you. This is where you may be now. In a breakthrough crisis, your psyche realigns itself in order to bring the past into harmony with the present. Like an earthquake, this realignment results in the release of powerful feelings and energy, and can create periods of disorganization, helplessness and incredible fear. If you are a survivor of truly severe abuse, you may have mini-breakthrough crises as each new set of abuse memories surfaces, although these smaller crises are usually not as tumultuous as the first.

The breakthrough crisis is actually quite normal, although it certainly does not feel normal to you. Crises are scary. You have been used to screening out all stimuli that might trigger your out-of-control feelings, only to feel that now you have lost control over your mind. Although it is frightening to do so, it is best in the long run to let these feelings out. Rest assured that this is a temporary experience which will gradually subside as you express feelings and develop a more flexible type of control over your life.

Although the breakthrough crisis is normal, you should take special precautions during this time to preserve your safety and to promote healthy integration of these memories and feelings. Anyone is vulnerable in a crisis, and there have been reports of survivors attempting suicide or engaging in other self-destructive behaviors in response to the crisis. Remember that the Chinese definition of crisis translates to "danger and opportunity." Your task during the breakthrough crisis is to minimize the danger to yourself by reaching out for help while riding the tidal wave of feelings safely into shore.

Thank you for sharing IAR.

I feel as though I am still reeling from this. I would say the shame has subsided but there is so much traffic in my brain it is truly mindblowing. My ex is being pushed out because there is simply not enough room, this is a welcome side effect. I am starting to think about what I have experienced but its not at the point where it is incredibly scary right now, I think I had an initial shock, an overload if you will, and now it has levelled so is less fearful and extreme. To have prolonged periods of my life where I have barely thought about these memories to suddenly being consumed by them is very, very weird. I have been thinking about this all day at work. Really vivid memories that feel incredibly real. I could honestly write a ridiculous amount right here about the things in my head, I can almost touch that reality, i can feel what my clothes feel like. You may be thinking, "what's he going on about now?". Truth is I am really struggling to describe it.

LT.

[HarborBP]

Dear LT & gizmo,

Please take what I am about to say as words of support from a fellow member. Like you I have suffered from the emotional abuse of a borderline loved one. Like many on this site I carry baggage from childhood devaluation of one form or another. I also believe some percentage of our vulnerability is associated with brain wiring and chemistry. As with the borderline we are a product of both life experience and biology.

For this reason, healing emotional scars from childhood may not solve all of our issues. And therein lies the purpose of this note. Fortunately, as fully developed adults, we have the benefit of a functioning prefrontal cortex; the part of the brain that tempers primitive emotions "stored" in the limbic system through logic filters. The prefrontal cortex gives us the ability to rise above emotions like guilt and shame and see new ways of coping and finding satisfaction in life.

Much of our emotional baggage was created before we developed the ability to express ourselves through speech and decades before our logic centers developed. In those early days our universe was our parents. They represented everything- our sustenance, our survival, our nurturing. We had no ability to point the finger at them with the admonition "this is about you, not me." The anger and devaluation they displayed toward us had to be true because for us at that stage of development, parents were akin to Gods.  

I've been down the T road the two of you are about to embark upon. It was painful and many tears were shed. Early on I was very angry with my Dad for the frequent verbal tirades and his occasional corporal abuse. It took quite a bit of soul searching to process this anger.

In the last year or so I have come to believe that my Dad was reacting to his own demons, and suffering them in an era when exploring the root causes was either taboo or a sign of weakness. He did the best with what he had. This is not to apologize for his behavior. He could be a royal asshole and his admonitions had a lasting effect on me. I firmly believe his parenting had a lot to do with the irrational attraction I had to my exbpdgf.

Despite this baggage I determined that if I was going to survive and improve I had to view my relationship experience, as you stated gizmo, as a catalyst for change. That was a critical first step. Finding some positive in that abusive relationship required me to view events in a different way. Yes, that experience was awful, demeaning and hurtful. I had to dig deep to understand why I allowed it to persist for so long. Only by sorting it all out could I begin to heal, a process that continues to this day, often in fits and starts.

As IAR stated, the journey is one of baby steps. Growth is not linear. I suffer setbacks to this day. But, over time, I have developed a small list of mental counter steps I can take when my limbic system tries to sabotage me. I'd like to share a few with you guys, not in a lecturing way but in the hope they can be used as tools to ease your pain. One or more probably seem overly simplistic but I still find them useful.

First, I take walks. Ambulating gives my mind a chance to sort through the clutter, much the way dreams resolve the day's events during a good night's sleep. Feel good hormones are released when we exercise and walking is a cheap and cheerful way to facilitate that.

Allow yourself to be angry at those who hurt you. Don't be embarrassed by it. Healing through grieving includes anger. Let it cycle. Embrace it.

Work on establishing a few fundamental, yet inviolate, boundaries. These include self-respect and the right to be treated well.

Always be on the lookout for invalidation. Whether you encounter it with old friends, current lovers, parents, siblings, whoever, never take ownership of invalidation. Through your sense of self respect you will know that such negativity has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Maintaining vigilance will allow you to spot poor behavior early on, when taking corrective action such as distancing is easier to execute. Seek out those who affirm you.

When emotional events are overwhelming you, seek comfort in NOW. Focus on your breathing, the rush of cars outside your window, birds chirping, the sound of a plane taking off. Focusing on "bad" (that noisy motorcycle passing by) is as valid as "good" (the songbird singing in the tree outside). The calming effect of NOW is akin to taking three deep breadths before reacting. I am amazed at how little effort is required to regain calm but it does require concentration.

When the time is right, forgive those who did you wrong. I know that some mistreatment is so hideous it requires herculean effort. With my mother's help with history I came to see the basis for Dad's emotional issues. He grew up in a terribly dysfunctional household with a father I could only describe as sadistic. My T told me that fathers, especially, are prone to replicate child rearing in the same way they were raised. As I said, my Dad did the best he could under the times and circumstances. This mindset is my way of forgiving him.  

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Gratitude involves affirming the good in your life and recognizing its sources. I have read that gratitude, depression, peace of mind and rumination are interrelated and that gratitude counteracts depression by enhancing peace of mind while reducing ruminative thinking. There is something positive in all of our World's. LT, I have two sons just entering adulthood and am so proud of them. I vowed never to raise them as I was raised and the results are nothing short of beautiful. I take joy in this every day and know you feel the same toward your own children. gizmo, you should be grateful for your ability to empathize so deeply with others.

Work at being comfortable in your "aloneness". We come into this World alone and will exit it one day alone. Finding comfort and peace in being alone not only helps us be emotionally healthy but, perhaps at some point, better companions should that opportunity present itself one day.

HarborBP

[clvrnn]

This really is a wonderfully insightful thread, with a lot of take-home messages - thanks guys. I don't have much to add, but this all makes for interesting reading.

[Longterm]

HarborBP.

 As with the borderline we are a product of both life experience and biology.
 

I could not agree more, I see myself as equally traumatized and broken as my ex, we have just dealt with it in different ways. From my own search for answers I am of the understanding that the pwBPD cannot completely rid themselves of their PD, and that management of symptoms is the best outcome. We are, as you stated, and I agree, wired this way and I believe there will always be some maladaptive behaviour in some form or another. This I believe is one of the reasons why I have struggled to sustain anger towards my ex, to a large degree I can relate to her, I understand. I think healing the childhood wounds and working towards accepting our behaviours and striving to improve our reactions is the most logical way forward, and also the best outcome. I have read this is much easier for the non to achieve, and for that I am grateful and hopeful. You are though, absolutely spot on in your assessment of this.

I'd like to share a few with you guys, not in a lecturing way but in the hope they can be used as tools to ease your pain 

I see this as shared experience, not lecturing, it is appreciated.

First, I take walks. Ambulating gives my mind a chance to sort through the clutter, much the way dreams resolve the day's events during a good night's sleep. Feel good hormones are released when we exercise and walking is a cheap and cheerful way to facilitate that.   

I do enjoy a good walk in nature. It is something I started doing when me and my ex split. I can literally sit for hours on my own. I find it so peaceful and comforting. At times I have switched my phone off and just enjoyed nature, I find peace and tranquility doing this.

Allow yourself to be angry at those who hurt you. Don't be embarrassed by it. Healing through grieving includes anger. Let it cycle. Embrace it. 

I have heard this so many times yet I struggle with it. Anger makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and I may bring this up with Mary. I cannot count the amount of times somebody has said to me "why are you not angry" "what will it take for you to get angry?". I few weeks ago I was incredibly angry yet nobody around me knew, I rarely express it in RL and when I do I feel ashamed for feeling that way. This is a barrier for me personally so thanks for bringing it up, it has allowed me to think about how best to address it.

Work on establishing a few fundamental, yet inviolate, boundaries. These include self-respect and the right to be treated well.
 

I am working on this.

Always be on the lookout for invalidation. Whether you encounter it with old friends, current lovers, parents, siblings, whoever, never take ownership of invalidation. Through your sense of self respect you will know that such negativity has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Maintaining vigilance will allow you to spot poor behavior early on, when taking corrective action such as distancing is easier to execute. Seek out those who affirm you.
 

I do actually look for this more recently, I was reading up on this today along with how boundaries can become eroded due to invalidation.

  When emotional events are overwhelming you, seek comfort in NOW. Focus on your breathing, the rush of cars outside your window, birds chirping, the sound of a plane taking off. Focusing on "bad" (that noisy motorcycle passing by) is as valid as "good" (the songbird singing in the tree outside). The calming effect of NOW is akin to taking three deep breadths before reacting. I am amazed at how little effort is required to regain calm but it does require concentration. 

My friend mentioned this to me several weeks ago, he has done breathing work and spoke about how it has worked for him in the past in regards to centering and calming himself. I'm going to look into this at some point.

When the time is right, forgive those who did you wrong. I know that some mistreatment is so hideous it requires herculean effort. With my mother's help with history I came to see the basis for Dad's emotional issues. He grew up in a terribly dysfunctional household with a father I could only describe as sadistic. My T told me that fathers, especially, are prone to replicate child rearing in the same way they were raised. As I said, my Dad did the best he could under the times and circumstances. This mindset is my way of forgiving him.   

I am light years away from this right now.

  Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Gratitude involves affirming the good in your life and recognizing its sources. I have read that gratitude, depression, peace of mind and rumination are interrelated and that gratitude counteracts depression by enhancing peace of mind while reducing ruminative thinking. There is something positive in all of our World's. LT, I have two sons just entering adulthood and am so proud of them. I vowed never to raise them as I was raised and the results are nothing short of beautiful. I take joy in this every day and know you feel the same toward your own children. gizmo, you should be grateful for your ability to empathize so deeply with others.

I did CBT years ago following a work accident. The greatest tool I learned was to always take the positives in every situation and it has served me well. I am extremely grateful of what I have right now, my ex tried to delete me from my childrens lives and she almost succeeded, it was only the fact that I have always been there for them that saved me. Things could of been a lot worse for me right now, they respect me, they find me inspirational,  they have told me these things. What if they wanted nothing to do with me? What if they saw me as being trash? I would not be on the path I am currently, I would be on a much more destructive one, I am grateful, believe me, i understand the importance of gratitude and we have so much to look forward too, i teach the kids to always take the positives too and i have seen them replicate this many times.

  Work at being comfortable in your "aloneness". We come into this World alone and will exit it one day alone. Finding comfort and peace in being alone not only helps us be emotionally healthy but, perhaps at some point, better companions should that opportunity present itself one day. 

I think I'm a bit weird in this regard. I actually enjoy being alone and crave it at times. I did see a member mention a book, I think it was called "the joy of being single". I'm going to have a read of this at some point (my "to do" list is getting ridiculous) to explore other benefits of "aloneness"

Thank you for your post HarborBP, I really enjoyed reading the experience of somebody who has been there 

LT.

[Longterm]

Hi clvrnn.

This really is a wonderfully insightful thread, with a lot of take-home messages - thanks guys. I don't have much to add, but this all makes for interesting reading. 

Maybe sometime in the future this could help somebody, I think that's a good thing and highlights the benefits of us all sharing our experiences.

LT.

[gizmo7247]

HarborBP - thank you, and I didn't take any of what you said as lecturing - but very much appreciate you sharing your experiences. Talking with you and LT, people who have gone through and are going through this, is incredibly supportive and helpful.

I don't think your suggestions are simplistic at all. In fact, gratitude and NOW are things I've incorporated into my daily routines as well. They've helped tremendously. Gratitude, as I've read, is like training a muscle - the more we do it, the more we reframe our mind to look at the things we have, instead of the things we don't. It's harder to be depressed when we're thinking of everything we have.

NOW - I began daily meditating (mindfulness meditation) a little over a month ago. It's been so helpful for exactly the reasons you state. It helps me first to become aware of the present and the moment, and secondly it helps me to separate from my ruminating feelings - and listen to them, instead of trying to repress them or them overwhelm me, and then let them pass.

I've been down the T road the two of you are about to embark upon. It was painful and many tears were shed. Early on I was very angry with my Dad for the frequent verbal tirades and his occasional corporal abuse. It took quite a bit of soul searching to process this anger.

In the last year or so I have come to believe that my Dad was reacting to his own demons, and suffering them in an era when exploring the root causes was either taboo or a sign of weakness. He did the best with what he had. This is not to apologize for his behavior. He could be a royal asshole and his admonitions had a lasting effect on me. I firmly believe his parenting had a lot to do with the irrational attraction I had to my exbpdgf.

THIS right here is what I'm the most scared of. My dad was a good guy, who worked hard for us, and gave my brother and I tons of opportunity in life. He genuinely wanted the best for us, and worked hard to give it to us. If he ever heard what I'm about to say it would break his heart, which is probably why I've never talked about it. Two years of work with my past T and I never mentioned it.

He was military, and often gone for months at a time. When he was home, he definitely had a temper. It was never for no reason, it was always as punishment for something I'd done at school, or acting up at home. I've never called it abuse, because back then lots of kids got spanked - got the belt, got the switch. It was typical. There were a couple of incidents where I did really bad stuff and got a little worse, but I was never hit in the face or punched or anything like that.

Nevertheless, it was terrifying to me growing up. That's what I remember more than anything - the fear. And the ensuing helplessness I guess. I internalized it all, and coupled with the constant bullying I got at school for being a "fat" kid - it was a lot. There was also mixed signals, him telling me to stand up for myself - but when I did, and got into a fight and school, and got suspended - he then punished me for that.

He also wasn't very emotionally aware - he doesn't really believe in mental illness, per se. So depression wasn't something he really considered serious - when I tried to commit suicide, he was obviously concerned but completely out of his element.

Anyways, I never talk about it - except for a couple times when I was in my early 20s. But when I mentioned it, the immediate reaction from my mother and dad were like, "oh get out of here, you act like you were abused." I realized talking about it hurt them, so I stopped.

Looking at my relationship with my exBPD through that lens makes so much sense now. I was always available to her when she needed emotional support - I would always drop anything I was doing and listen to her, be there for her. But when I was upset and needed someone to listen to me, she'd get frustrated and say "I can't give you what you want" and turn it into a guilt trip basically.

Whenever I tried to talk to my exBPD about how much her drunken rages hurt me, she'd feel "guilty" about it - and I'd just feel bad and shut up. I had a lot of anger issues from growing up, and from the depression - and in the beginning with my ex I lashed out in reaction to her stunts a lot. But I worked hard in therapy to get over the anger, to be better for her - and she would openly admit how much better I'd become. But her behavior never changed, it actually got worse. It was so defeating, and honestly, invalidating.

Of course all of this came full circle after she broke it off (in the horrific manner she did). When she sent cops to my house claiming the email I sent her was a suicide letter - even the cops read it and said she was crazy, but I kept rifling through that email thinking "what did I do? I shouldn't have phrased this sentence like this, or that sentence like that." Even months after NC when she hired a lawyer to look into me with outlandish false allegations, I mean things that are OBVIOUSLY not true - I never touched her, I never would. But still, I kept rifling through my mind looking back at incidents and wondering if I'd done things that she misinterpreted. It's so crazy how I defaulted to blaming myself. There are still huge pieces of me that do.

On the surface I want to fight to prove my feelings are valid, and point out factual logical truths to counter her allegations - but the mere fact that I feel the need to defend myself clearly shows that internally, I question my feelings. I question if it's all my fault.

The invalidation was heightened after the breakup when friends and family just kept saying "you need to stop talking about it" "you need to get over her" "I wish you could just forget it all."

Then they'd of course come to me with whatever problems they were having at the moment, and I would listen. I'm so glad I found this board, and you all.

I'm glad my current T has already identified the huge issue of invalidation within me - I'm just scared about what I'm going to have to open up about to get through it. Like you Harbor, I don't blame my dad and I genuinely think if he heard any of this it would break his heart. But that doesn't mean the fear wasn't real for me. That's always been the contradiction within me, and I've always invalidated my own feelings for the sake of others. Thus the root...and thus the reason being in an invalidating relationship with my exBPD seemed so normal to me, when it was so objectively not-normal.

[gizmo7247]

It's not worked has it?, that's what I see. Our way of living, or even surviving if you want to take it further has caused us to dig a very deep hole. It has gotten us nowhere and caused us nothing but huge amounts of pain. Have you ever heard of how Einstein described insanity? "Doing the same thing over and over again, expected different results". Its right up there in my favourite quotes list  it resonates so strongly in this situation. Theres only so many times one can put their hand in the fire before asking "hold on a minute, is this a good idea?". I dont want anymore of the same either.

I could talk about this all day. It is embedded in me and although I feel I am taking small steps steps it is a huge problem moving forward. I bought the big blue book of codependency and the first chapter was written for me, I plan to carry on with it at some point, I just have a lot going on right now, that's not an excuse, I'm doing things bit by bit. What you wrote could have been written by me, it felt like it was written by me, the way you described it was very like me. You may benefit from this book.

Yes it is a start, a good start.

LT.

I definitely know that quote, was actually going to use it - but you beat me to it. 

I think we also need to be fair to ourselves too though - I do think we deserve to be happy, and we need to stop giving so much of ourselves, at the expense of ourselves. But it could be worse.

The truth is that I think my exBPD and I suffered from very similar root pains - I think that's why we bonded. How we handled that pain was polar opposites though. She (conscious or subconsciously) used her pain as an excuse to treat others the way she did, and spread that pain. I have always used my pain as a way to relate to others, and help others - because I know what it feels like, and it breaks my heart when I see others feeling pain like that.

They're both unhealthy extreme ends of the spectrum, but I'd much rather be on our end, than the BPD end of using the pain as an excuse to hurt others. I'm sure you'd agree?

LT - we are very alike. So I'd challenge you to ask yourself this question. Look back at your life, how many people's lives have you been a positive influence in? How many people would say that they're better for having known you?

I think about that a lot when I'm being hard on myself. When I'm beating myself up over allegations and accusations and gaslighting my exBPD did to me. Then I think, how many people are better for having her in their life, in one shape or another, at some point? We both know the answer.

So while I think you and I have a lot of work to do to find our own happiness, and I think we both choose an unhealthy road to coping with our wounds - we chose the more altruistic one. We should remember that, and feel good about that.

You've helped people in your life, you've helped me just in the past week. Don't lose sight of that part either.

[I Am Redeemed]

HarborBP, that was a beautiful post and it really was very encouraging and helpful. Thank you.

LT, I'm glad you found the link helpful. I think I am one of the ones whose "breakthrough crisis" manifested in the less dramatic way where my depression was enhanced and the feelings of "I'm not good enough". That is the core negative message that I internalized in childhood, that is the core negative message that has driven every part of the messed-up me that I have been since I can remember. Fear, anxiety, depression, guilt, frustration, shame, all these emotions stem from the core belief that I am not good enough. That's the root I uncovered in therapy. I'm still working on how to reverse it, but I can now identify it in many of my reactions to certain situations. But guess what- I have gained a little victory over it through therapy. A little, not a lot, but any progress is still progress, and a little victory felt huge to me.

I think as you go through therapy and you experience little victories for yourself, they may feel huge to you too, and that will encourage you. Perhaps you might think about posting on the PSI board at some point, if and when you are ready, or possibly just read through some of the posts. There are many members on that board who share various stages of processing, learning, and recovery that might be encouraging for you. I read through from time to time because a lot of members over there deal with CPTSD and the challenges that people face recovering from abuse of any kind.

gizmo, what you said about your dad not believing in mental illness, per se- that hit home for me. My dad was raised during the Great Depression. Mental health issues like anxiety and depression were considered "weaknesses" or "all in someone's head". He was raised in an era where you just kept going and did what you had to, no matter what, and his response to my depression when it surfaced at age twelve was "she's too young to be depressed". I think that kind of attitude is very invalidating, whether intended or not, and I think it just reinforces the internal message that "it's me, there's just something wrong with me".

[Longterm]

I think we also need to be fair to ourselves too though - I do think we deserve to be happy, and we need to stop giving so much of ourselves, at the expense of ourselves. But it could be worse.
  

I would absolutely love to get in a CODA group but work and distance are blocking me right now. I think the benefits would be amazing.

The truth is that I think my exBPD and I suffered from very similar root pains - I think that's why we bonded. How we handled that pain was polar opposites though. She (conscious or subconsciously) used her pain as an excuse to treat others the way she did, and spread that pain. I have always used my pain as a way to relate to others, and help others - because I know what it feels like, and it breaks my heart when I see others feeling pain like that.
  

Yes, once I began to gain knowledge and understand the dynamics in play it made perfect sense to me and it felt like a lightbulb moment. I can map my relating to others pain back a very long way, way back when I was small. I would get fairly emotional at the sight of somebody suffering but it was internalized, my sensitivity has always felt like a burden, something that has made me weak. I still do this to this day. In February a guy at work died, his daughter works with us to but on a different shift. Shes a lovely girl, only 21 and when this happened my empathy went into overdrive. I was 21 when I lost my mother, I knew how she felt, I could feel her pain and I thought about her daily for 2-3 months although I did not see her due to shifts. One Saturday morning she popped in and I was immediately drawn to her, I HAD to speak with her and make her feel better. I asked how she was and she tried to put a brave face on. Her emotion came out eventually and she had a bit of a breakdown. She was suffering and I gave her some hope. I saw her a few weeks ago and she came over and thanked me and said she felt like she had turned a corner, I was so happy for her, nobody deserves to lose a parent at 21. When I discovered codependency, the feeling I got from putting a name to it was unbelievable, I knew it wasnt just me and for that I am thankful. Codependency has it's good sides and I am thankful and proud of some of my traits. The less desirable traits are what I wish to work on, I need to think about myself more.

 They're both unhealthy extreme ends of the spectrum, but I'd much rather be on our end, than the BPD end of using the pain as an excuse to hurt others. I'm sure you'd agree?

Very much yes. There is hope for us. We have the ability to self reflect and make changes, it rarely seen at the other end of the spectrum and I think that's incredible sad for all involved.

 LT - we are very alike. So I'd challenge you to ask yourself this question. Look back at your life, how many people's lives have you been a positive influence in? How many people would say that they're better for having known you? 

Plenty, I know I have made an impact to the lives of many, but it has got ME nowhere. This needs addressing because many have crapped all over me, many.

 I think about that a lot when I'm being hard on myself. When I'm beating myself up over allegations and accusations and gaslighting my exBPD did to me. Then I think, how many people are better for having her in their life, in one shape or another, at some point? We both know the answer. 

Yes we do know the answer, BPD is tragic, that is the best way I find to describe it.

 we chose the more altruistic one. We should remember that, and feel good about that. 

I'm proud that I did not self destruct, that I fought back when I wanted to give up.

you've helped me just in the past week.  

And I will continue to do so, it's what I do  

LT.

[Longterm]

Hi IAR 

  HarborBP, that was a beautiful post and it really was very encouraging and helpful. Thank you.

Yes, it was very thought provoking and encouraging.

  LT, I'm glad you found the link helpful. I think I am one of the ones whose "breakthrough crisis" manifested in the less dramatic way where my depression was enhanced and the feelings of "I'm not good enough". That is the core negative message that I internalized in childhood, that is the core negative message that has driven every part of the messed-up me that I have been since I can remember. Fear, anxiety, depression, guilt, frustration, shame, all these emotions stem from the core belief that I am not good enough. That's the root I uncovered in therapy. I'm still working on how to reverse it, but I can now identify it in many of my reactions to certain situations. But guess what- I have gained a little victory over it through therapy. A little, not a lot, but any progress is still progress, and a little victory felt huge to me. 

I think as you go through therapy and you experience little victories for yourself, they may feel huge to you too, and that will encourage you. Perhaps you might think about posting on the PSI board at some point, if and when you are ready, or possibly just read through some of the posts. There are many members on that board who share various stages of processing, learning, and recovery that might be encouraging for you. I read through from time to time because a lot of members over there deal with CPTSD and the challenges that people face recovering from abuse of any kind. 
 

Yes, the core negative message can have a huge impact later on. Your not "messed up", you have had an invalidating start and that is not your fault. The fact that you can see how this has/is effecting you is the important thing here, and I'll reiterate what I've already said to you, you should be extremely proud of yourself for having the courage to identify and change for the betterment of your children. Enjoy your victories and keep striving for more   

You keep mentioning PSI dont you  I may at some point, I thank you for your support. It could prove to be the next step for me once I am ready.

One last thing...you ARE good enough, remember that as you continue to grow.

LT.