How to stop missing him

[empower-me]

I have been separated from ex for 6 months almost and I feel so much better emotionally and physically but now I am thinking about him more and wanting to see him.

It would be the biggest mistake of my life and I know this and I also know I won't give in to the desire but the fact that he comes into my head and I feel this way, it really bothers me.

I know better and I also know that I should just let go completely but after almost 30 yrs, I'd say it is rather hard to finally allow myself to move forward and forget about the old 'Us' idea and move on with my own life and self awareness and just turn the page once and for all.

Any suggestions to help this process once and for all?

[Emelie Emelie]

After 30 years that would be incredibly hard.  My relationship was just a year and and I'm missing him so much I can't stand it.  (It's only been a couple of weeks.)  I would think those thoughts are very normal.  Melody Beattie's CoDependent No More is a fabulous book.  I like the book of meditations.  And she would say they're just feelings.  You can feel them and let them go and not act on them.  They have no more power over us than what we give them.

[ComoLu]

I was with my uxBPDH for nearly 33 yrs. before he abandoned our family.  I still miss him every day.  I don't know if I always will, but I can miss him without allowing my pain to cripple me.  Everyone has to find their own ways of coping, but I give myself those moments.  However, as time passes, I find that those moments come less often and cause less pain.  When he first left, I thought I would have a nervous breakdown.  I was obsessed with him.  Now after nearly 2 yrs. without him, I have moved to a new city, and I have started a new relationship with a non.  Today we have been dating for a month.  He adores me and is nothing like my ex. 

There may never be a time when you don't think of him.  He is part of who you are.  You can move on anyway.  I rely on family and close friends when I am weak or in pain.  I draw strength from them, and I just keep moving.  I hope you find a way to do the same.

[empower-me]

Thank you both so much for your input,

I think I think of him more the healthier I get if that makes any sense.

I am several months out and had been very sick due to all the stress and environmental changes I endured just moving and whatnot and now that i'm starting to feel like myself again I am allowing myself time to think and feel more things.

I agree with both of you.  Allow myself to feel what I need to but DO NOT act on it. He's a drive away and I have found myself driving to see him and regretting every moment of if afterward.

So today I am seeing my therapist and asking for help bigtime.

Thanks again.  I have that book also.

[Clearmind]

Willpower gets us over the line at first and then 6 months passes and we want to test the water to see if we are in fact correct about our suspicions.

Remind yourself of what you witnessed and dig deep as to why you lament about a abusive relationship/person.

[seeking balance]

I think the practice of Radical Acceptance helps in these moments... . reality is that after 30 years, it is going to take longer than 6 months to stop thinking about him completely. 

In those moments, maybe give yourself permission to miss him and cry - lean into the pain - emotions are energy in motion - letting them flow in a healthy way is the way to move through them.

Live your life, but we cannot just erase our past when it makes up so much of our lives ... . I heard one time the phrase of "creating a new normal" - you are now creating a new normal for your life - give it some time to gel.

Peace,

SB

[empower-me]

Thank you both as well for the insight.

I went to see my Therapist today and told her the same thing.  I actually reach out to him via email periodically as a way to 'test the water' so to speak and/ or as a reminder or reality check if you will that I am on the right track.  Granted I know this but it helps me keep peace within myself as i move forward.

The reply emails are more of the same, not taking responsibiity or being willing to seek any help for himself and how angry he is to be in the postion again, blah blah blah... . and then I remind myself of why I know I am now able to stay on target and do the right thing.

I am allowing myself to feel what I need to in a way, baby steps I guess and then I keep making progress to build myself up and my self confidence.

My Therapist said I am doing very well at setting boundaries and sticking to them.

My ex keeps asking me to come and see him and I adamently say no thank you.

I do have criteria in order to even have a friendship or be in a position to see him and that would mean him being willing to accept his behavior, seekp treatment and then show that he's following through.

I know that If I set the bar high, he most likely will just keep backing away from it and thus I have my space and time to heal.

It is how I am able to feel somewhat in control of a situation that has been anything but.

But overall I am feeling more grounded now than I have felt in years.  I have a roommate and my finances are in better shape and I feel so much more content with my life and how things are going.

I really don't miss him too much, just once in a while the urge to see him hits me and then I hear his logic and it ends right there.

I beat this isn't a healthy way to be reminded right?  It did make me feel a bit nervous but it passed rather quickly as well so that was good.

I don't think i'll shed many tears, I have been detached emotionally for many years due to the abuse but it's the idea of the r/s that I miss or the dream of what was never there to begin with.  Some moments of course were nice and I can think upon but for the most part it wasn't a very nice time and it was over half of my life so go figure.

I am looking forward to building my strength up more and more day by day and then finding the courage to just file for a divorce and be done with it once and for all.   Is that normal to have to find courage after all this time?  I guess it would be huh? Especially with the abusive past experiences.

[talithacumi]

This has actually been the focus of my therapy sessions for the last month or so. It's been almost 3 years since he ended our 12+ year relationship to pursue the one he'd been having with a woman he'd known less than a month. Spent 2 years of trying to figure out what he really wanted from me, all the while being regularly harassed/stalked/threatened by my replacement, before I gave up and moved to another city. Went NC altogether six months ago. Started working in earnest on the issues I had that attracted me to him in the first place, how I presented myself that made me so attractive to him in return, and why/how I ended up both wanting and being able to be with him for as long as I did. And, happily, the more I've worked on those things, the more I've actually (finally) been able to really start detaching from him.

Love the life I'm living now. Have a great job. Wonderful family and friends. A fabulous therapist. Started volunteering at a local museum where I'm meeting lots of new, really interesting people. Feeling better about myself than I have in a long time.

But I've never stopped thinking about him. Like comolu, those thoughts no longer eat up entire days of my life like they used to - but it's bothered me a lot that I have them at all anymore.

Some of it is just habit. I spent almost 15 years thinking about this person as a regular part of my life because they were such a big part of my life. Not surprising that after just a year that my brain is still in the habit of doing that.

Some of it is association. We talked about, and did a lot of things over the course of that time. When those things reappear in my life, it's natural for me to make the association to him.

Some of it is processing. Thinking about him sometimes seems to be the way my brain gets me to stop ignoring some emotion I'm having, and feel it instead. Usually hurt. Often disguised as anger. Not always in direct relation to him however. More and more these days to something much deeper, much further in my past that he reopened.

The biggest, and, for me, most surprising reason I've found I do it though is because it's emotionally familiar/comforting in its own perverse way.

I've gone through, and am still going through, some very major life changes that I didn't ask, agree, want, was prepared, or allowed to prepare in any way to go through. All of those changes have been overwhelming in scope, nature, quantity, and effect on every conceivable level - practically, logistically, financially, physically, mentally, and socially as well as emotionally. Almost nothing about the life I've been living for the last three years, or even the life I'm living now, really resembles the life I had and thought I'd always have for the previous 12 years.

Which is understandably more than a little scary because, no matter how well it seems to be working out or how good I generally feel about it, let's face it - my self-confidence/self-esteem took a huge hit that I'm still in the process of trying to recover from - I'm not sure half the time if I'm not just fooling myself into thinking I'm doing the right thing and/or am better than I actually am - and a lot of this isn't just different for me, it's also all new for me as well - so - yeah - it scares me. A lot actually. And, when I'm scared, I reach for something close/familiar to hold onto - those thoughts of him - where he is, how he's doing, what he's doing, etc. - to relieve the anxiety/stress I'm feeling until that fear/insecurity passes.

It's worked to keep me moving forward into this strange, unknown, and fascinating life I have now. And, figuring out why I do it has allowed me to come up with other, more direct and effective ways to self-soothe. Like remembering that this isn't the first time my life has gone through a major change - been a wife/divorcee once, mom five times, moved cross country twice, gone from big city to country as well as rich to poor, bought/sold several houses, and successfully changed careers more times than I can count. Or reminding myself that, underneath it all, very little has actually changed. I'm still me. Still have the same interests and quirks. Still know all the same stuff. Still do the same stuff. Still have those same five fabulous boys.

The point I'm trying to make here, empower-me, is that there could be a LOT of reasons you think about him that have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with any real desire/longing to actually be with him again. You just have to figure out what those reasons are, and see if there might be something else you can do instead that works as well, if not better, to get you what you're looking for.

And seekingbalance is right - after 30 years of having him sit at the center of your life, it's going to take a lot longer than 6 months for your brain to not automatically think of him as still occupying that position. No need to push it. It'll happen. One day. One step at a time. You'll get there.





 

[Trick1004]

The best thing I've is tried to let go whenever those feelings hit me. It helps to think back to how I was before I met her and focus on all the good things I am able to focus on in my life without her.

I might be lucky in that it was only a four year r/s with mine and I have in the past been able to cut people out of my life for an amount of time once I reached a certain level of abuse to realize they were toxic for me.

There are numerous physical things that I've been picking up on since my ex left. I am less stressed day to day, towards the end of the r/s I had skin flaking around my face, that cleared up a within a couple days after she left. I still have trouble sleeping, but nowhere near where it was in the last few weeks I was with her.

I think I read a post on here about someones dog just being a mess while the BPD was around, once gone the dog got better.

I guess the little day to day physical changes help keep me moving on. Everyday I DO feel physically better but as we know the physical body heals quick. The emotional wounds take longer to heal but everyday they get better also. I find myself interacting more and more with people at work, stores, restaurants, family and friends in general. People genuinely like me and my worth isn't wrapped up in my ex anymore.

It's liberating, but that's how I was until I got wrapped up into her world.

[empower-me]

Thank you so much for sharing such profound insight.

I really appreciate the internal dialog you've showered me with in your attempt and successful one at that to move forward inspite of the nagging feelings or emotions of them that tend to still mentally hit you from time to time.

What a process huh?  Both of you have given me very good reasons to keep looking forward and remembering why it is that I am here today.

Just like the former poster wrote... . "Remind yourself of what you witnessed and dig deep as to why you lament about a abusive relationship/person"

I really do need to remind myself of all the horrendous, vicious and painful things I personally not only witnessed but experienced for decade after decade only to be so broken in the aftermath.

So why would a reasoning, bright upbeat person have moments of wanting to see themselves back with that person, if only for a moment?

Well like you said, It's a way of familarity and that brings comfort as perverse as that sounds.

Especially when we just would of celebrated our 26 yr anniversary this past week.  That's kinda what got my brain whirling in this direction.

The thought of an 'anniversary' and what that would normally imply created normal desires in my head and heart but our past experiences with anniversaries were anything but normal and happiness and sunshine.

They were just one more day to be disappointed or feel less than due to causing a trigger or wondering what in the world I did to create such pain and disfunction in my little world.

So many day's that were just completely wasted due to this illness and me not understanding it. So I tried to fix things and cope with the unknown.

Now that same coping mechanism is helping me to continue to cope and endure with a different type of unknown.

A really good kind of unknown excitement... .   Like my life and how I will keep creating new and exciting changes for my own happiness and success as a living, breathing, thinking person that has her own idea's and creative ways and being able to actually allow those to develop. Now that's something to smile about huh?

So I will work to understand this process, especially after him being a part of my life for so many years and learn to see it in a very raw light.  No sugar coating it or daydreaming or fantasizing here.

The reality was very unhealthy and it caused me to be so physically and emotionally sick that I had withdrew from people and my life for several years and i'm just now picking up the pieces again.

I have been trying to free myself from the r/s for about 4 yrs now and each time I get further and further away from the attachment, especially in my head.

In my head, practically I know without a doubt it is the only sane thing to keep doing but in my heart, that is where I still find the struggle to let go and finally allow him the ability to move on with someone else as well.

Ya see, he hasn't done that yet, (that I know of anyway) and he keeps saying how I'm the only one he loves and will ever love and has held onto that while I'm holding onto my boundaries of not seeing him.  Consequently, he is also reminding me that he's about to let go completely and move forward, emotionally and physically and I know I need to let him do this.

That is the part I am still in the process of grieving for.  I guess I won't be able to address that until I know it has happened and then deal with it. 

I guess it goes back to that old adage... . "one day at a time" and let me enjoy my life today as I have my health, a nice home and peace of mind (for the most part anyway) and let everything else just be what it is.

does this make any sense?  I'm trying guys... .

[momtara]

Sometimes it helps to read old journals and remind yourself how bad things got. 

That said, it's normal to want to see them.  You shared a lot, including love.  Be gentle with yourself.  Anything you feel is normal.

[Clearmind]

empower-me, empowering ourselves means to build independent self worth - thats independent of others including your partner. Sometimes we base our worth, our personal power on another - and sometimes this other person is a disordered individual who can no longer provide you with personal power than you (we) can... . this was my story!

I based my entire self value on my ex - if he was up, I was up, if he was down I was depressed and desperately tried to help. In an ordinary world where two individuals are equal - emotionally (which wasn't the case here) one falls over and the other stands like a rock, not wavering and supporting the other - not enabling (like we did) - when our partner falls we stand like a rock providing support - this is a mutually supportive relationship built on a good foundation of trust and respect.

Where was the trust and respect in our relationship? We were care taking a disordered individual only to be devalued - it was steeped in fantasy and addiction for those highs for us (me).

I ruminated for a long time after my relationship ended - how you are feeling is how you are feeling - accept where you are at - process the relationship and you will in time heal.

[empower-me]

Thanks momtara and Clearmind,

I have many a journals that list just how bad things were and need to 're-visit' those entries regularly It seems.

Not that they aren't very clear in my head if and when I choose to think upon them or relate a story or whatnot.  But its that old cliche that we forget the horrible pain and abuse and for some crazy reason choose to remember the 4 good times they went out of their way for us and made us feel good.  It's completely insane! 

But I do get it.  Any normal humanbeing wants to think upon happy thoughts and not dwell on some of the worst time's of our lives.

But for us, like you said, this was anything but 'good time's' here that we think back upon and there certainly was not an equal support system by far.

So I will do just that... .   accept where I am and feel whatever comes up and keep myself in reality.  Thanks again for the help.  e-m

[empower-me]

I just had a Aha! moment into myself and my situation and I couldn't be more grateful to Rapt Reader for sharing the link about the 8 myths of a BPD relationship.

I was just amazed how every single word of that article described my life in a nutshell.  I mean, I don't think I could of changed one word in it, it was that accurate to what I did, how the relationship came about, how it continued to stay the course for so many years, how we broke up only to reunite with more pain and problems and how it finally ended and what I am feeling right now.

The best part about it was how it explained what 'they' are thinking at the time when they idolize you and how that filled a void in us just like Clearmind stated.

It has to be about what was missing in my life that caused me to be open to that type of relationship and then what was going on within me to cause me to stay in it for so long.

So many good questions I have to figure out but it's true.  He did come into my life at a time when I really wanted and needed to hear how I was the most beautiful woman on the face of this earth and the most important person in the world to him and how I was just it!

It may have been a line or he may have really believed it; regardless, it caused me to get caught up in a very hot and heavy relationship that created a need in me that keeps on giving.

So now I have to provide my own needs and like was brought out, my ability to have a good day is not determined by another person or if they allow me to have a good day or be happy.

I was just like that too.  If He wasn't happy then I was miserable and he was hardly ever happy so I lost so many days of feeling someone else's pain and I didn't even know how deep his pain was.

All those years he was probably feeling so much shame and guilt and who knows what else and I was clueless, literally clueless to all the crap going on inside of his head.

Now I can at least understand the dynamics better and have a more mature picture of what things were like and how they most likely are now.

What a great article of support.  I just had to share that.

[Clearmind]

  Good observations for only 16 posts empower! 

[empower-me]

Thank you Clearmind,

I've read tons of books since I discovered the illness and I am familar with the BPD situation now but it has taken me quite a while to really put the dots together. 

And with the added information here to join to my mental collection, well it sure will help me with the recovery and healing process.

I've got a long way to go thats for sure but I feel pretty confident, especially with the support of this website now.

Thank you again for your support.

[momtara]

" based my entire self value on my ex - if he was up, I was up, if he was down I was depressed and desperately tried to help."

Me too.  I have pretty low self esteem (I know I'm smart and kind, but I'm not the best looking or most eloquent girl) and it was a challenge and victory when I could take care of him and keep things fine between us.  I felt good when I was happy and especially when I could make him happy.  But when he was tense, things were hard.

He has a very gentle, sweet side, and I wish I could stay married to that side and mitigate the dark side.  I am going through a divorce and I am scared that some day I will only remember the sweet times, and wonder if I did the right thing.  But when I hear from him and I see hints of what I used to go through, I am reminded why it is much nicer to be able to breathe!

[tailspin]

empower-me,

I don't think missing him is a bad thing.  Is it interfering with your healing?  If not then let it be.  It's normal to miss people we love who are no longer in our lives; it's part of what makes us human and confirms our ability to let people go.  If you don't look at missing him as a negative emotion then it immediately becomes a positive or neutral emotion. 

I found it liberating to allow myself to miss my ex and remember the good times with fondness.  As my healing progresses, I actually find myself smiling again when I think of him.  And yes, radical acceptance as Seeking Balance pointed out, is the major reason why.

It's the emotions we fight against that keep us stuck.  Once you surrender and embrace how you are feeling... . the negativity associated with the thought disappears.

tailspin

[empower-me]

That's just it,

It's not always positive with my thought processes... .   I have acted upon them in the past and ended up going to meet him somewhere and opening up a whole can of worms!

But I do not see that happening here but it still makes me nervous.

I am trying to arm myself with more knowledge and re-reading my journals of the past decades... . loll pitiful! 

And tonight I read the book "Boomarang love" and it is so spot on to how they reel us in and how enmeshed we are and basically we are feeling a bond to our abuser and keep coming back for more... .   for whatever warped reason.

My brain is so tired of all of this. How I long to just be able to finally move on and just forget all about this huge chunk of my life!

OK then... . still working on being free here... .