Daughter resents partner of 5 years

[Headfizz]

Hello,
My 15 year old daughter was diagnosed a few months ago.
I am in a steady relationship with someone who lives about 10 miles away. We have been together nearly 6 years.
We normally see each other no more than 2 times a week, with 3 overnight stays a fortnight (normally). He is a nice man and she likes him.
However, she prefers it when I don't see him.

She has been fine during lockdown because I have not seen him at all and she has me to herself.
We have had conversations about me seeing him sometime soon, and she does not respond well. I find I am having to be very low key about any plans so she thinks I don't care either way.  She clearly would prefer me not to have a partner, even if that means I am lonely.
Her dad was abusive to me and I feel bullied by her, in that I walk on egg shells around this issue so I don't have to deal with her anger - and yet I have every right to have a relationship.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi Headfizz and welcome

Looks like your post was posted before you finished.  Don't get discouraged.  It takes a while to become accustomed to the mechanics of this website.  Come back and work on putting the finishing touches to your post.

Commenting on what you have written...seems the feeling of being abandoned is a real issue with someone who suffers from BPD...seems this is the case with your daughter.  Your life needs fulfillment and working towards that goal definitely should not be put on hold in order to make her happy.

You write that your daughter was diagnosed a few months ago.  Was she set up with any counselling?  Have you, yourself, ever had any counselling that would help you in charting a course with her?   Of course now we are in very different times...access to any services curtailed or stopped.  Hopefully it won't take long to get back to getting those kinds of help.

How heart-wrenching it must be for you and your friend now in not being able to see each other...not being able to carry on with what was working for the two of you.

Once again welcoming you Headfizz.  This is a great place to let off steam...a great place to learn how to better interact with your daughter.  You will not only be helping yourself but you will be helping her as she navigates her way through this mental illness.

Huat

[Huat]

Here I am again Headfizz

APOLOGIES!  You must have been confused when I wrote about your post not being finished.  When I first got it on my screen, it stopped after "Her dad was ab...……"  That was the end.  Now that I have gone on the website again...it shows there really was more to your post.  I have noticed that glitch before with other posts.  So...all was fine with yours.

Now in reading to the end of what you were sharing...so sorry you and your daughter lived through her father's abuse.  Nice to read you have moved on...found someone else to love and share in your life.

Yes, Headfizz, you have every right to have a relationship!  You keep saying that to yourself.  You are definitely not to sacrifice your right to happiness so as to satisfy your daughter...nor should you have to walk on those eggshells.   You are going to need strength and knowledge as you continue on in this journey with her.  I hope you continue to share...hope you get to feel the support from others here as you move forward.

Huat

[BeenBlessed]

I am in a similar situation with my partner, now common law, and my BPD son but yours is a more delicate situation and harder to navigate because of your daughter’s age and she lives with you. My son is 22 and lives with his Dad. He’s tried living with me three times but it doesn’t work because I have to impose boundaries he doesn’t like. I say have to because I’ve come to that conclusion. If there are no boundaries, he would dictate how everything went in accordance with his mood and I can’t like that. My partner is a wonderful man who thankfully understands BPD and is being patient and understanding.
How does your boyfriend react to your daughter? How does she treat him and behave towards him when he’s there?
I see a counsellor who has experience with BPD and it helps a lot.  She supports and validates my need and desire for a romantic relationship and establishing boundaries. BPDs will always run the show if you let them and the longer that goes on the more difficult it will be to make changes. Be strong and, and with love, assert control over your life. Other people in her life will not allow her to control and dictate. Your daughter will be better for it in the long run if she can learn how to adjust and live in relationships with you, a safe place. Be true to yourself. Don’t pretend that you aren’t looking forward to seeing someone you love. Is it easier in the moment that way? 100% it is but try to think beyond that for everyone’s benefit. If it’s possible, seek out some professional help for both you and your daughter as you navigate this together.