Rebuilding... and then... tearing down... again?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Has anyone witnessed... .what seems to be... .some marked improvement on the part of their pwBPD?... .On some level ... .ie. work or relationships, that is sustainable?    Or is there a pattern of rebuilding and then sabotaging?

[Harlygirl]

Has anyone witnessed... .what seems to be... .some marked improvement on the part of their pwBPD?... .On some level ... .ie. work or relationships, that is sustainable?    Or is there a pattern of rebuilding and then sabotaging?

[Mutt]

The DSM-5 borderline personality disorder symptom for intimacy. If a loved one isn't commited to treatment it's best to leave the relationship.

Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal.

[Harlygirl]

Thank you Mutt for the reply... .I do understand the reference.  My exBPDbf engaged in a parallel relationship with me while still in a committed relationsh with a HPDexgf... .and he had been in therapy for some time... .When that relationship (supposedly) ended and he was with me... .therapy was not an option due to a lapse in insurance... .And although he had been uncounseled at the time, and that it likely was a contributing factor in the demise of the relationship with me and his return to the HPDexgf... .I have learned that he has been promoted at his workplace.  It could be an indication that he has returned to therapy... .which is what I wanted for him.  However I find my self confused by my own feelings on this... .Why do I feel so left behind... .so excluded?  I have been struggling to heal from these wounds he inflicted... .feeling as though I were some "mistake"... .some setback in his life... .because it is likely that he painted me that way to the exHPDgf so as to facilitate his recycle with her... .But now... .I can't help but think that this was true in some way... .And I am hurting all over again... .Please reply... .Am so lost and confused... .

[Mutt]

I'm so sorry about the pain and confusion Harlygirl There's a lot of pain and suffering from a borderline break-up  

.I have learned that he has been promoted at his workplace.  It could be an indication that he has returned to therapy.

Let's look at this.

Borderline personality disorder is a misunderstood and complex disorder. It's an attachment disorder and it is triggered by intimacy as you already know. It's emotional based and they can be talented and be professionals like psychologists and have successful careers. The acting out is usually not in public but behind closed doors to the people that are closest to them, an SO, family and children.

His promotion at work isn't attached to the disorder, the disorder is triggered by intimacy.

However I find my self confused by my own feelings on this... .Why do I feel so left behind... .so excluded?

It's tough I've been there. What I found the most painful is that my voice wasn't heard, I was invalidated and I couldn't understand the way that my ex left. There was a smear campaign and I was split black and she went radio silent after having a long history together. As if I didn't exist and she disappreared. It's hard Harlygirl

Your ex doesn't cope like you or I, he copes differently, maladaptive coping skills. It hurts you that he has moved on as if what you had together never existed?

[Harlygirl]

Yes... .so much... .I know I am not to blame for not being able to give him "what he needed"... .which was a parent... .but now I wonder if there is someone he is able to love ... .or is there a LACK of intimacy in that relationship ... .that fosters his success in other areas... .like his workplace?  He had inferred to me that his relationship with me did not foster in him a sense of security... .