Does the poking ever stop?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uxBPDH left me after 32 years of marriage.  I was clueless about his problems until after he left.  That was when he decided he could control me by stalking me online, messing with my bank accounts, making changes to my credit cards and household accounts, etc.  Gradually, I was able to either remove him from access or ignore his behavior.  As I have managed to slowly cut him out, he has come up with new and creative ways to keep reminding me of him.  He will randomly send me mail that I don't need (no personal message, just junk) or pass a message to one of our grown children that he knows they will repeat to me.  This is especially bad during holidays or special anniversaries (like his birthday).  His latest move was to change my spousal support from $x to $x.92.  1992 is the year he is stuck on.  He has told everyone who would listen that he should have divorced me then, that he has been miserable since then, etc.

He won't answer phone calls from me or answer any emails not related to court ordered business that we need to discuss.  He keeps telling me to move on.  I am trying, but he won't stop poking me.  The divorce is final now, and I am cutting the last of the ties that can be cut, and I don't know how he is going to react.  When I took control of my own health care last year, he cancelled my supplemental health insurance policy.  He just keeps finding ways to poke me or lash out at me.

Has anyone else gone through this?  I keep reading that out of sight is out of mind, but my x seems to still be obsessing over me, even though I know he has cheated on me and was living with another woman when he left me.  What else can I expect? Does it ever end?

[ComoLu]

My uxBPDH left me after 32 years of marriage.  I was clueless about his problems until after he left.  That was when he decided he could control me by stalking me online, messing with my bank accounts, making changes to my credit cards and household accounts, etc.  Gradually, I was able to either remove him from access or ignore his behavior.  As I have managed to slowly cut him out, he has come up with new and creative ways to keep reminding me of him.  He will randomly send me mail that I don't need (no personal message, just junk) or pass a message to one of our grown children that he knows they will repeat to me.  This is especially bad during holidays or special anniversaries (like his birthday).  His latest move was to change my spousal support from $x to $x.92.  1992 is the year he is stuck on.  He has told everyone who would listen that he should have divorced me then, that he has been miserable since then, etc.

He won't answer phone calls from me or answer any emails not related to court ordered business that we need to discuss.  He keeps telling me to move on.  I am trying, but he won't stop poking me.  The divorce is final now, and I am cutting the last of the ties that can be cut, and I don't know how he is going to react.  When I took control of my own health care last year, he cancelled my supplemental health insurance policy.  He just keeps finding ways to poke me or lash out at me.

Has anyone else gone through this?  I keep reading that out of sight is out of mind, but my x seems to still be obsessing over me, even though I know he has cheated on me and was living with another woman when he left me.  What else can I expect? Does it ever end?

[HarmKrakow]

The poking will stop.

The moment all official ties are 'cut' ... . (besides kids) ... . the poking will stop. NC is unfortunately the only answer.

[ComoLu]

For me, all the official ties will never be cut.  My x insisted that I be tied to the sale of the house with him even though I wanted him to buy me out.  The court ordered spousal support until one of us dies, and then there is the military retirement and benefits.  All of this is in addition to the kids and grandkids.  I keep reading about cycling.  Is he going to come back?  Is that what the poking is all about?  He left all of his past (family heirlooms, photos, etc.) here with family and friends when he moved 2000 miles away.  I don't know if total NC will ever be possible.

[HarmKrakow]

For me, all the official ties will never be cut.  My x insisted that I be tied to the sale of the house with him even though I wanted him to buy me out.  The court ordered spousal support until one of us dies, and then there is the military retirement and benefits.  All of this is in addition to the kids and grandkids.  I keep reading about cycling.  Is he going to come back?  Is that what the poking is all about?  He left all of his past (family heirlooms, photos, etc.) here with family and friends when he moved 2000 miles away.  I don't know if total NC will ever be possible.

The poking will eventually stop, the recycling can refer to, 'keep you available' if his life goes downhill again, although he can get remarried, knowing he has this power of you, can give him the feeling your always 'optionable' for a 2nd chance.

This will however change ... . the moment you aren't available anymore

[ComoLu]

Harm,

That is exactly what he seemed to want to do... .   keep me available.  He had been living and working away but coming home once a month until he didn't come home any more.  2 months later when I got tired of his excuses, he screamed at me that he wanted a divorce, but he made no move to start that either.  He didn't take any of his things out of the house until ordered to by the court... .   a year later after I had moved out.  He told my son that he needs to use the money to control me, and he tries to nickel and dime me to death.  You say he will leave me alone when he thinks he has no chance to come back?  When will that be?  I have cut every tie I can. 

[GreenMango]

He's being childish.  Seriously .92 cents.

If he has this disorder he's probably emotionally unstable right now (like you don't know that - a stable person wouldn't do this) and going to do really questionable things.  It's going to help to try and detach from the baiting. 

Sometimes I like try visualization.  I visualize a petulant child doing silly annoying stuff to get attention.  It helps to depersonalize it, because I'd guess if it wasn't you he could very possibly taking out this stuff on someone else. 

ComoLu we have the detachment lessons - have a read through them they may help to get some mental distance from him while you are going through a divorce - that's stressful enough.  You don't need his antics on top of it.

[ComoLu]

GreenMango,

I have been doing exactly what you say and trying to stay detached.  I have done well enough that the court granted me the divorce even though he brought the complaint.  The court went so far as to say it was all his fault, and he had no reason to leave me.  I run emails by my sister, and she helps me stay detached, but I have lots of anger over all of the things I have found out that he has done behind my back.  I have come a long way, and it has taken a great toll on me.  I have lost 35 lbs. in 18 months and don't know if I will ever eat or sleep normally again, but he doesn't see any of that or my reactions to his poking and lashing out.  My children believe that he will never leave me alone and that he will react badly if he thinks I am with someone else even though he cheated on me for our entire marriage.

[GlennT]

How has he been functioning in all the other areas of his life lately? Have you noticed a decline there as well? It may be that he has been experiencing the earlier stages of dementia. During the over thirty years of your marriage,  has his personality been, for the most part,  relatively stable?  I have'nt read all of your posts, but if you were walking on eggshells for most of your marriage, then,  the progression of age, can make the borderline worse. Imo, the poking does'nt stop unless you block it, and keep moving further away with NC, until you are able to strengthen your own mental and emotional boundaries with time... .

[ComoLu]

GlennT,

I have no idea how he is functioning in other areas since he lives 2000 miles away, and I have no contact with anyone who knows him there.  The only thing I know for sure is that he is still employed.  During our marriage, for the most part he was the most loving, generous husband anyone could wish for, and he loved spending time and money on me.  He was not, however, the most engaged father.  There were tense moments and some fierce battles, but those were very rare.  I knew he liked to spend money, but he had it under control for a very long time.  I have found out since he left that he was doing terrible things behind my back and trying to undermine me with our children.  I really started questioning his mental state in 2008 when he accused me of sleeping with our son and seemed to be testing my loyalty to him. 

In doing all of the reading on this site, I can see in hindsight that he had most of the behaviors that signify BPD, but the symptoms became much more pronounced to me in the last 5 years, especially after he left in 2011. 

I have been cutting ties and moving away.  I have also tried to make him responsible for the choices he makes (which infuriates him), and I actively try to not allow him to engage me in endless email disagreements.  I am trying, and this site and all of your advice are helping me to find a measure of peace and cope with him as he is now.

[GreenMango]

ComoLu stepping away and letting him be accountable for his choices is probably the root of this baiting.  Not saying its a bad thing to do that-its a good decision on your part.

This is pretty common - the extinction burst.  It's a pain in the butt.

Keep doing those things that are healthy for you and the kids.  Good thing about the distance though.