What Are My Next Steps?

[bpdHopeless]

Hey everybody, I've just been poking around different threads and doing some reading. Figured I'd reach out for help. Having a hard time organizing my thoughts in my head so please bare with me!

Some background information, I met this girl online around 2 months ago. She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but from all of the research I've done along with reading "walking on eggshells", she has BPD (she knows she has depression and is seeing a therapist for that). Anyways, at first we started off as casual and things were gone fine. Then all of a sudden one day she discarded me, saying we're just not compatible. This was before I did research on BPD so I decided to move on and accepted the fact that we were done. Then that same night she reached out and said she wanted to be friends and I said okay. She opened up to me a bit more and told me about her depression and such. I started doing some research and came across BPD. Things also went back to being casual but she wanted to be "exclusive'. She didn't want me to sleep with others and such. Which was kinda weird because thats not what casual meant. Still lots of push and pull behavior but I knew about BPD now and was able to be more understanding and such. Examples like "oh I almost lost you" or "I wouldn't feel anything if you walked out of my life".

Few weeks after that, I had to leave the country for work and I was gone for 3 weeks. But before I left, things were AMAZING. We barely fought and I thought that things would be the same when I came back. But boy, was I wrong. While I was gone the black and white thinking was intensified. She even admitted to me while I was gone, that she was mad at me for being gone. Like I was abandoning her (yes she used the word abandoned). She also said she doesn't know why she's mad. She also went on vacation while I was gone, we still talked daily.

Then one night, I went out for drinks and was not exactly having a good day. Thought it was a good idea to tell her that I thought she had BPD. Boy was that a bad idea. She got SOO mad at me, like I've never seen her that mad. Said a lot of mean things to me, and even said "I'm gonna make you regret this so much." Blocked me on Facebook and everything. Funny thing was she'd still find other ways to message me like through Instagram, messages like "oh I hope you have a safe flight back", but then after a few messages, she'd end the conversation and repeat the next day.

I got back in town after my trip and met up with her. We talked, and she kept bringing up the BPD issue saying she doesn't have BPD. Or that she can't get over the fact that I accused her of having BPD (yes, she said I accused her). Also said she can't get intimate with me because I said she had BPD, which hurt her and made her "not feel sexy" (refused to even let me kiss her). And said she doesn't feel that way about me anymore. Then said she wants to be friends. And then said she wants me gone. I can't remember exactly the order of things because what she wants keeps changing and I was just so overwhelmed. But the whole evening of us talking, she'd flip between wanting to cut me out of her life because I said she said BPD, to her wanting to be friends because she can't be intimate with me after I said she has BPD, to she wants to be casual because she wants to meet other people to make friends and she can't help it if something happens. And she said she didn't want to be exclusive anymore.

And the same night, she told me while she was gone on vacation, she got drunk and made out with somebody. If we were casual I would have been okay with it, but because she wanted to be exclusive and also didn't want me to hook up with anybody while I was gone, it felt like she "cheated" on me, and I was not okay with that (that's where I draw the line). I didn't comment on that at that time because I was trying to process everything and I got quiet. Then she went back to only wanting to be friends and not be casual, and asked me if I wanted to be friends. I told her it would hurt me too much to be friends with somebody I had feelings for. She got quiet and said okay and started walking away really fast. I asked her if we're done talking and she said we had nothing to talk about. I asked her if we're done then and she said I don't know. She started to get all frustrated while walking away and then said yes we're done. I said okay and she slowed down and I picked up my pace to walk away. She started crying so I tried talking to her and tried walking next to her. She refused to talk to me and said she's done talking about this and went on about how she regrets trusting me and opening up to me and telling me things. I couldn't get a single word in.

Later that night, after I went home. I thought a bit. And I called her. And told her that I was not okay with being with her while she went out to meet others and potentially hook up with others. Conversation ended up with me saying I'd drop off her stuff at her place (she had some stuff at my house and I got her some stuff while I was gone). That never happened because she instantly made plans to fill her schedule up before she went on vacation. (She said that's her way of healing).

Now here's where I made my mistake. Before she went on her vacation, I talked to her and said I wanted to be casual (I don't know why I said that, I think it's because I missed her). She said she can't do casual because of my BPD comment and said we can't be friends because we were never friend material. I started questioning her with logic and examples of her behavior and how she wants to be friends, or casual, or sometimes even more. Then she said she needed to think about what she wants while she's on vacation and she'll message me when she's back. (She even admitted that she changes her mind a lot). So off she goes on her vacation and she's been back a day or two now. I still haven't heard back from her. I don't know if I should reach out to her or wait until she reaches out to me. I know she's off to vacation again for her birthday next week (off to the same place where she went while I was gone and met the person she made out with). I also want to say she usually reaches out to me within 24 hours, this time it's been a week since she's reached out to me. So it's very unusual. But from reading a bunch of the posts here, the recommendation is to usually wait until they reach out to you.

This is pretty much the summary of it, I'm sure I'm missing some details here and there... .please help. I don't know what my next steps are.

Side note, I think she still keep tabs on me, looking at my Instagram stories. So I'm not completely blocked/ignored/cut off.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BeagleGirl]

BPDHopeless,
You have been through a lot in 2 months. 

The push/pull dynamics of BPD can set anyone's head spinning.  It sounds like she's not sure what she wants from moment to moment.  It sounds like you have become exhausted trying to be and do what she wants as her desires have changed. 

You asked for guidance on your next steps.  I think that you are well on your way with one step I would advise - learning about BPD.  Understanding what it looks like, what tools are needed to cope with it, and the stories of those who have lived years, or decades with someone with BPD.  That knowledge will serve you well as you take the second step I would recommend - learning what you want and why. 

You have done an excellent job describing the ins and outs of what your pwBPD wants in a relationship with you and how that has continually shifted.  Do you know yet what you want? 

Best Wishes,
BeagleGirl

[bpdHopeless]

Right now, I want to make sure she's doing okay. I know there's a few people she's friends with that's not exactly good for her mental health, and I'm afraid she's spending a lot of time with them. So I don't know if I should reach out, or wait until she reaches out to me.

As for what I want myself. I thought about it while she's gone. I want things to be casual between us, somewhat like how things were between us. I would eventually like to date her, but not until she's willing to work on herself.

On that note, she's said to me many times "I would never date you" or "I'm not in the position to date right now" or "I don't plan on dating for at least a few years". I've never pressed for a reason so I'm not sure why.

[pearlsw]

Hi BPDHopeless,

I want to join BeagleGirl in welcoming you here! Glad you took the step of posting! It can be interesting to engage the community here and reply on the posts of others as a means of sorting these issues out.

I wanted to drop two readings on you!

The first is because you may want to read up on telling someone about having the disorder. This is typically not advised. I have myself, so I understand wanting to talk about it, I did it before I found this site, but it's not advised.

Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD

Sounds like you aren't in a position to do this, but it might nevertheless be something you want to inform yourself about:

How To Get a Loved One Into Therapy

Do you know much about her relationship history or any factors about why she might not be interested in dating?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[bpdHopeless]

Thank you for your links, I have skimmed through them briefly just now and will take a more in depth read later!

She is currently in therapy for her depression. When I brought up BPD and after she calmed down a bit, she did ask me for the traits that I thought she had, so I showed her parts of walking on eggshells. She told me she went to her therapist and her therapist supposedly laughed and said everybody has a few traits of BPD or something along that line. They even did a "test" and said she doesn't have BPD. I don't know if it's cause she's lying to the therapist to hide things (which she said she's done before) or it's like what the link you gave me mentioned, that the therapist is hiding her diagnosis from her. On that note, after I brought up BPD, when she yelled at me she did say stuff like "Who really knows what I want I'm ___ing crazy right I am borderline". So maybe subconsciously she knows she has BPD?

Yes I do know a bit about her relationship history. Most of them were a few month flings I believe. She dated this girl for a few years who was diagnosed with BPD. And that relationship really messed her up to a point where she didn't ever want to date again. Then fast forward to her most recent ex. They dated for 3 years I think? Officially broke up in February I think but apparently the relationship was dead since November.

I really don't know why she's not interested in dating, and I was afraid of prying only to have her lash out at me. My best guess is her work? I know she started working full time in February, and in September she's changing to a new department where it will be very stressful. One of her biggest triggers is work stress I think.

Also, just wanted to say thank you to everybody taking the time to read this. It sucks when you really have nobody to talk to about this and having to keep it bottled inside your head. Before learning about BPD, I've told my friends about the roller coaster of emotions I'm going through with her, they all told me she sounds crazy and that I had to leave. After I learned about BPD, I've stopped telling my friends about this.

[bpdHopeless]

Alright, so I really feel like I need help. How do I ask her what she wants, without triggering her to panic? I want to figure out if she wants me gone, so I can move on. Or if she still wants me around, so I can establish boundaries.

She said she'd think about what she wants while she's on vacation and get back to me when she's back. She's back now and it was I who had to initiate conversation. I said something along the lines of "thought you were going to message me when you're back". And she responded back "Oh did I? Sorry'. I called her out on it and she said "Ok ok sorry". Tried keeping things light and asked her how her trip was and she asked about my week. It almost feels like I'm the one needing to find things to talk about, which was never the case before. I do want to talk about where things stand between us, but I don't know how to bring it up to her. Do I just straight up ask "so have you thought about what you want while you were gone?"

[bpdHopeless]

Well, I asked her. Asked her if she's thought things through while she was gone and if she has a better idea on what she wants.

She said she's kinda into this girl that she's been talking to and things have gone further (not sure what gone further means).

So I guess I'm discarded and done with... .?