My kiddo is almost 25 . Since the age of about 13 we have been on a roller coaster ride. Things have become a lot better in retrospect but, the bottom can still fall out when things seem to be going  really well. The last almost 2 years have been exotic dancing while still in college. There is no need to work as a college fund exists. It upsets us greatly because our kid comes from a history of sexual traumas at the hands of peers when in middle school and high school. I am at a loss. I never thought this would last this long. We support and do not judge . But it is breaking us because we can’t understand or help. Obviously this is much much better than the early days of self harm and a brief psychiatric stint as a result. What lies ahead? I worry myself sick over the future- literally had heart issues recently that required intervention. I don’t know how to save my kid. And the evasiveness comes into play and then who knows what’s really happening. I do engage in my own therapy and have been in therapy since this all started. Some days are just hard.

Hi everyone this is my first time being here. I don’t have much people to talk to about this so I’m hoping you guys will be able to help me out.

I cut off my BPD mother about a year ago without giving her any explanation. We live in the same small city so we ran into each other on a few occasions but she would seemingly respectful my boundaries and not approach me. But recently she sent me a text saying how much she loves me apologizing and wishing to mend the relationship between her and me and my brother. I didn’t reply to the text. But then she shows up to my house unannounced the door was open so she saw me. I panicked and didn’t know what to do or say so I just I went into my room until she left. She said “sorry to bother have a nice day “. My therapist suggested to reply to the text letting her know that I appreciate the desire to reconnect but showing up like that is not the way to do it and to let her know how it made me feel which was uncomfortable and upset. And to respect my space and time and that I will reach out when I’m ready. My question is should I add that I love her too and that I wish her well?

Hi BPD Family,

I’m a long time reader here, but first time poster. I suspect our adult daughter has (high functioning)BPD, she has a decent partner, two little ones under two and lives a long way from us. We love her and her family very much and have helped and been involved with her little family whenever we have been needed, despite the distance.

As parents our daughter and partner have no boundaries for their eldest child, he is physically aggressive to his new sibling and other adults and doesn’t receive any gentle parenting consequence for challenging behaviour. He charges at people, scratches, hits and bites, when he is told ‘no’ he laughs and runs away, most of this is normal toddler behaviour, but this happens daily, rather than occasionally. I know the parents are busy, sleep deprived and adjusting to the most important job in their lives, but it’s so hard to watch permissiveness with the little one that puts himself, others and his baby sibling at risk. The baby is often scratched and run into…

A few weeks ago in our home, we had half an hour of the usual behaviours at the end of a week long visit, we didn’t comment, as we aren’t little ones parents. We waited/hoped, for his parents to step in while he charged, hit and threw missiles around. I suggested a run in the garden to let off steam as it was a special occasion and our whole family were in our home. Things came to a head when my beautiful and usually calm husband was hit with a hard and accurate throw of the TV remote control, which shattered a glass of wine into smithereens over him, myself, the baby and our dog, little ones father watched this whole episode unfold and did nothing. In reaction to this my husband jumped up and shouted, ‘will you control your bloody child’ before removing himself from the lounge, which of course was not his finest moment… To cut a long story short, we have now been on semi silent treatment for the last two months, this is the first time silent treatment has gone on for so long. Our daughter refuses to allow the boys to be around my husband in the future, citing his significant anger issues and also claiming things that actually didn’t happen on the day (toddler scared of husband, husband pointing and shouting at him etc…) The shout wasn’t directed at anyone, but really was a big nudge to little ones parents to help him regulate his very excited emotions.

While my husband wishes he hadn’t reacted like this, due to being shocked and not expecting to be hit by a missile/covered in broken glass, he is usually the calmest and most tolerant man and has always been a great dad and grandfather. He has apologised for his part played on the day and reminded my daughter that it is the parents responsibility to keep the kids safe. Would anyone be able to offer any insight, advice or reflection on this please, thank you so much in advance

Hello thewilltoleave  . Your post resonates with me. I can relate to many aspects of your personality as I would describe myself in a similar way  ! In my own journey of trying to make sense of things, I also read about attachment styles. I definitely tend to lean towards the anxious side of the spectrum.

There are a few points that I took away. First, it`s interesting that different types of relationships will bring out different attachment styles in you. I am more or less secure in my friendships as well, disorganized when it comes to my father, and slightly anxious when it comes to my mother. I was extremely anxious when it came to my ex with BPD. He, in turn, was avoidant with me, and (from his own description) anxious with his latest partner. All that to say, it`s by no means a fixed characterization. And so, with awareness and patience, it can be worked on. I try to draw from my secure attachments skills and beliefs to help when I feel more anxious. The way I see it, a combination of 1) someone who doesn`t exacerbate your own tendencies, 2) actively challenging your anxious thoughts and subsequent actions, are a winning combination.

You deserve to be surrounded by people who appreciate you for who you are. If they make you second guess yourself, pause, and second guess their importance in your life. At the same time, it`s understandable to feel sad about missing someone. Accept your sadness, know that it won`t last forever, and be kind to you!

What are your thoughts?

This is helping me a lot reading through these. Thank you for sharing.

I did all the same things, and all of them failed as well.  Still, you're fighting a state that's not equipped to handle mental health, so you have to keep playing the game.  She comes home, acts abusive, and you pick up the phone saying one simple phrase, "She's a threat to herself or others.  I do not feel safe."  They have to take her all over again.

Is that ridiculous?  Absolutely.  But it's ridiculous to your kid as well and it's a way to teach her that it's easier to be nice to mom than continually get committed.  It eventually made a difference in our situation.


Okay, so get video set up in your home.  You already did when she took the jacket, so do that again.  Put a camera in a few rooms of the house and confront her behavior.  If she screams at you and threatens, that's assault.  If she hits you (even slapping something out of your hand), that's battery.  Breaking your phone is destruction of property, and if your phone is over $600 it's a felony (in my state...your state could be anywhere from $500-2000 before it's a felony). 

These charges stick and it allows judges to play the game- usually in-patient stays of 30-60 days or more.  You have to realize that everyone is playing the broken mental health game- doctors, nurses, judges, social services, etc.

So play the game until she can't stand it anymore.  Maybe she leaves on her own- mission accomplished.  Maybe she spends the next year in mandated therapy.  You have to play the game though because you can't accept abuse.


My daughter did the same thing- we'd punish her and she'd punish us 10x harder.  That's when we escalated to the police and hospitals after every threat, every meltdown.  Things got so much worse by waiting and hoping, but we got serious when she was almost 18 (and at her worst).  She went to the hospital 6 or 7 times that year, with mandatory stays each time.


In your 1st sentence, you said that they returned her to you untreated.  That's not true- they did what they were supposed to do, but she wasn't interested in listening or trying.  This is on her, and until she's ready to take it seriously nothing will work.  That's why you have to be on the offensive here every time she lashes out; play the game until it's easier for her to take things seriously or leave than abuse you.

For the record, she doesn't see her destruction at all- she sees terrible parents that deserve her abuse.  It's pure entitlement and until you change, she has no reason to see things differently.  Again, you have to play the game....the stupid, broken, ineffective game.  It's all you have if you're not allowed to throw her out.

Hi

I seem to be going ok sometimes then I hit a big low. 

It's like the horrible just floods in and I can't stop it.  I'm not exactly sure what triggers it but something does.

I know it's a mindset I need to change but I don't know how. 

I do a job where people have to come to me to fix issues and in that I have realized they dump their anger on me, their stress, they angst and start demanding.  I had one guy who was so angry with me, where I was actually trying to sort his issues and he swore at me.  Before I knew it, I had delivered him one hell of a serve back.  I realized I had my ex piling on issues which never go away.  Solve one and she would have another one and it never ever stopped.  Everything becomes a massive issue.  One after the other and fixations that last months or even years.  I had her and the people I work with for years doing this to me.

I was so patient, tolerant, and now I am not.   It takes so much effort to stay calm, positive while you are being called negative.  Solving everyone's problems around me.   I know I get paid for that but not to be abused.  Not to deal with other people's stress.  I say something to these people about it and they can easily escalate that to higher level.

They call me on my holidays or weekends.  It's like everyone owns me.

Like people are oblivious to my existence.   I serve a purpose and that's all.

I feel my ex took part of me.   I don't even know who I am anymore.  She likes the same things I like.   Who liked them first I can't remember anymore. 

'Where the hell is love for me, kindness, support, tenderness, and who listens to my needs.   I got a fake who lied to me for years.  For that I was treated like a bit of trash.  I protected this person with my love and they abused that in the most despicable way. 

It's a mix of anger, deep hurt like people can't imagine.  Only people like you. 

It's like they find what your dreams are, make you believe they can give it then when they run out of reasons why they can't they blow your dreams up.  You uncovered their lie, and I think they are so ashamed they go out of their way to hate you so they can feel better about the brutality of their lies, because they are incredibly weak people.  They don't like weakness. 

Now I have to create new dreams.  I feel I can't create the same dreams that were destroyed.

If that makes sense.   I have to create a new way of life.   A new me.

I am not young anymore.  This is way harder than it would have been years ago.  I can't bounce back that quickly anymore and I don't have time to.   I need it to move faster. 

Spoke too soon. Tonight there was raging about being everyone's slave and then being "discarded"..... Then she went to lie down as needed some space while I sorted kids meals and bath time and tidied the days mess I didn't cause after a crap week of work. Is there no awareness?

Just came back from a family vacation with my daughter who has BPD.  She is a single Mom of 2 year old.  Huge blow out… she was completely out of control in front of her child. Police were called…. just awful. 

I am at a complete lost on how to stop or at least minimize these occurrences.

I am looking for any resources that can help me and our family

I am so sorry.
Many of us know how scary this is, and how you will be on “high alert” all the time.
A child threatening/attempting suicide is horrific for their parents, and there is little to no acknowledgement of this or support from health care teams.

I found tremendous comfort and support from doing an online (Zoom) Family Connections 13 week program with other parents with children with BPD. The primary focus is building skills in DBT, but the relief in talking with other parents was also important for me. To not feel so alone and inept, seemingly unable to make things any better.

You may want to see if that program might suit you too.

Caring for someone with BPD is not only about supporting them. You have to support yourself too.
❤️❤️❤️