Wanted to connect with him and got a big slap in the face

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My husband just got a new gaming console, I've noticed from the get go he seems to be territorial over it. He had suggested that I buy a game for it that we used to play together when we first met. I wouldn't have gotten it if he hadn't suggested, I just figure hey why not, I missed playing with him. So we bought the game and I had been asking to play with him for a couple weeks now. I was really looking forward to having fun doing something we hadn't done in awhile.  Saturday I finally got him to agree to play with me. The game I bought didn't work, I need some kind of update. Anyways, he told me to pick another game, so I did, I opened it up and put it in, I guess I chose the wrong one. He then told me he was sickened by me because I was acting like a little kid with a new toy. He got really mean about it called me immature and started yelling at me. I thought about it for a second and I told him that It seems to me that you are the kid with the new toy and you don't want your wife to touch it. He outright said yea, I don't want you to have anything to do with it. Slap in the face, I felt really hurt. I had been keeping it together, not taking him personally and I couldn't hold it together any longer. He really got mad at me for wanting to play a game on "his" new console because it's not considered mine. I got a big dose of reality on this one and how he sees me. He's going to get a large chunk of money from social security. He's been very adamant about me not spending any of his money, he seems to think I am going to take him for everything he has and he gets threatened by even thinking about buying me something with it. I feel that If I stay with him (which I know is a delusion on my part) that he owes me. He's destroyed some of my stuff in the past when he was in a drunken stupor, the only reason I forgave him is because it was not done when he was sober and he quit drinking completely after it. Not only that but I have been the sole provider for 4 years now, at one point I was working two jobs. My only request was a nice camera... . considering what I lost it really is not much. And it's something I could have bought easily if I did not have to support him.

This console thing seems like something stupid to get upset about, but is it? He bought something and brought it into our home and I'm not allowed to touch it, which means what's his is his and what's mine is his. It made me feel really insignificant to him, I haven't cried that hard in awhile, I couldn't shut it off. It just goes along with how he is acting about this money. My thinking was yay, maybe he will get some of his confidence back by providing something for us. Now I see that this is going to be his money. What's amazing is that If I ever use the phrase mine or my when referring to money or anything in general, he gets very upset about it. It really makes me wonder how screwed up I have to be to feel so emotionally attached to him.

[Cloudy Days]

My husband just got a new gaming console, I've noticed from the get go he seems to be territorial over it. He had suggested that I buy a game for it that we used to play together when we first met. I wouldn't have gotten it if he hadn't suggested, I just figure hey why not, I missed playing with him. So we bought the game and I had been asking to play with him for a couple weeks now. I was really looking forward to having fun doing something we hadn't done in awhile.  Saturday I finally got him to agree to play with me. The game I bought didn't work, I need some kind of update. Anyways, he told me to pick another game, so I did, I opened it up and put it in, I guess I chose the wrong one. He then told me he was sickened by me because I was acting like a little kid with a new toy. He got really mean about it called me immature and started yelling at me. I thought about it for a second and I told him that It seems to me that you are the kid with the new toy and you don't want your wife to touch it. He outright said yea, I don't want you to have anything to do with it. Slap in the face, I felt really hurt. I had been keeping it together, not taking him personally and I couldn't hold it together any longer. He really got mad at me for wanting to play a game on "his" new console because it's not considered mine. I got a big dose of reality on this one and how he sees me. He's going to get a large chunk of money from social security. He's been very adamant about me not spending any of his money, he seems to think I am going to take him for everything he has and he gets threatened by even thinking about buying me something with it. I feel that If I stay with him (which I know is a delusion on my part) that he owes me. He's destroyed some of my stuff in the past when he was in a drunken stupor, the only reason I forgave him is because it was not done when he was sober and he quit drinking completely after it. Not only that but I have been the sole provider for 4 years now, at one point I was working two jobs. My only request was a nice camera... . considering what I lost it really is not much. And it's something I could have bought easily if I did not have to support him.

This console thing seems like something stupid to get upset about, but is it? He bought something and brought it into our home and I'm not allowed to touch it, which means what's his is his and what's mine is his. It made me feel really insignificant to him, I haven't cried that hard in awhile, I couldn't shut it off. It just goes along with how he is acting about this money. My thinking was yay, maybe he will get some of his confidence back by providing something for us. Now I see that this is going to be his money. What's amazing is that If I ever use the phrase mine or my when referring to money or anything in general, he gets very upset about it. It really makes me wonder how screwed up I have to be to feel so emotionally attached to him.

[Surnia]

I am sorry, Cloudy days, to hear about this situation and that you are hurting and angry, and over a situation that was fun in earlier days in your relationship. 

I would say no, its not stupid to be angry about a console - its a good starting point for thoughts. Anger can be a sign that you have to change something. Or that you have expectations not really fitting.

I think you are probably right about him being like a kid with his new toy and not being able to share it and not being able to communicate this in a more adult way like, "I really don't want share my new toy with you right now, I hope you don't mind."

Is he a bit addicted to gaming?

The other thing is more on your side, your role as a sole provider and your hope, he would be thankful or there would be something in return... . as hard it may sound, we can do a lot of things for someone else, there is no warrant it will came back in the same way. 

[Grey Kitty]

How do you manage money together?

It sounds like he is getting a large check from social security.

You say you work and are the sole provider. Does he have regular income from social security?

Do you have a joint checking account or separate accounts?

Where does the money that pays for food, housing, cars, phone bills, etc. come from?

This sounds like a situation where separating your finances might help you.

[Cloudy Days]

He hasn't gotten any money yet, it's been approved by a judge, we are waiting for the approval letter and the payments to start. Could be a couple more months from what I have gathered. At this point we only have one account because of only one paycheck going into it. The subject has already come up that I may be getting a separate account at his request but at this point everything is set up to get paid out of that one account.

It's really just what he keeps saying to me about all of it. He sees me as a gold digger wanting to steal his money. I just don't understand how I could be a gold digger who is the sole provider for our family. Just irritates me to no end because it's so disrespectful of all I have done for him. I know I don't expect him to give me praise or even acknowledge what I have done for us, but to turn around and say I am using him just makes me sick. I'm sure it's a projection.

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, it is tough to hear all that.

He sees me as a gold digger wanting to steal his money.

[... . ]

I'm sure it's a projection.

*bingo* He has to feel really bad about being dependent on you financially, and this is one of his coping mechanisms.

I would suggest that you open a separate account for yourself (even if you don't fund it) and go ahead and encourage him to put his funds into a separate account.

Then you can work on how shared expenses are handled at that point.

However for now, you are in some serious fog--as the one bringing in the income, you are the one with power over money, not him. I don't suggest you abuse that power or flaunt it, but you don't need to be so afraid of him here.

 GK

[Cloudy Days]

I'm really not afraid of him on the money issue. Even if he did take advantage of me in some way he would be the one screwing himself over. I do have my family that I can fall back on too. Just irritated that he doesn't see me as his partner, He sees me as an enemy.

I actually bought the book Betrayal Bonds this morning. I'm trying to do some serious work on myself, understanding why I put up with all of this madness. I know that I run away from any kind of emotional distress, put a band aid on it and it's all better for now. I have been ignoring a festering wound in him and in myself. I think I am seeing that he doesn't really want to rely on me for everything. I never wanted it either, it happened in the same way the anger and abuse started happening. A little bit at a time, and slowly but surely more and more.

[allibaba]

Yeah, it is tough to hear all that.

He sees me as a gold digger wanting to steal his money.

[... . ]

I'm sure it's a projection.

*bingo* He has to feel really bad about being dependent on you financially, and this is one of his coping mechanisms.

I would suggest that you open a separate account for yourself (even if you don't fund it) and go ahead and encourage him to put his funds into a separate account.

Then you can work on how shared expenses are handled at that point.

However for now, you are in some serious fog--as the one bringing in the income, you are the one with power over money, not him. I don't suggest you abuse that power or flaunt it, but you don't need to be so afraid of him here.

 GK

Wowy zowy... . CloudyDays... . boy can I relate.  Even last week I was hearing that "my interest in money makes (him) sick."

The funny part is that we have been separated for 3 months and I have been nothing but cautiously generous with him. 

I support what Grey Kitty says here.  I started with just setting up an empty account of my own.  It was invaluable for me when I needed it!