Maintaining no contact when associating with BPDex's family

[Harlygirl]

Any advice on how to handle NC, when unavoidable associations are made through a member of BPDex's family?  I find it triggers me on bad days... .less so on good days.  And I feel conflicted about where I stand with that person... .as I have tried to maintain a good relationship with the family member... .but can't help but feel guarded.  I sense that the family member is on guard with me as well... .What is this?... .Do I try and address it with the family member... .or ignore it?   It feels as though the "elephant in the room" is growing larger and larger... .I want to maintain respectful boundaries on the issue... .(the pwBPD and the family)... .without creating conflict or distance... .Having difficulty sorting it all out ... .Uuugggghh?

[Mutt]

water seeks it's own level

blood is thicker than water

I understand it's uncomfortable. Are you trying to maintain a relationship? Someone in your exes family is? Is it something that you can come back to later when you are in a stronger place?

[LettingGo14]

Any advice on how to handle NC, when unavoidable associations are made through a member of BPDex's family?  I find it triggers me on bad days... .less so on good days.  And I feel conflicted about where I stand with that person... .as I have tried to maintain a good relationship with the family member... .but can't help but feel guarded.  I sense that the family member is on guard with me as well... .What is this?... .Do I try and address it with the family member... .or ignore it?   It feels as though the "elephant in the room" is growing larger and larger... .I want to maintain respectful boundaries on the issue... .(the pwBPD and the family)... .without creating conflict or distance... .Having difficulty sorting it all out ... .Uuugggghh?

I know this is difficult, and I am sorry you are in the midst of working through it all.  

I have come to think of "No Contact" as a tool (technique) rather than a law we enforce on ourselves.  We use NC to give ourselves space for healing.  

Sometimes we just need to trust our instincts on others in close proximity to both.  For instance, in this situation, would it be okay to address the issue with the family member?  Could you say something like:  "I'm a little uncomfortable bringing this up, but I just want you to know that (name) and I are not really speaking at this point, to give us some space for (insert your words).   I value our relationship and just want to be explicit."

Or would it be better to give yourself some space from family member too?

[Harlygirl]

Thank you Mutt and Lettinggo... .and apologies for the late reply... .had to post and run today.     There seems to be a delicate, slightly tense, mutual avoidance thing going on... .Which I may be be oversensitive to... .and we are in the same company pretty regularly... .Just concerned that my NC with ex may be misunderstood... .or that it could be perceived by the family member as indifference ... .As you pointed out Mutt... .water finds it's own level... .blood is thicker than water... .and apples don't fall far from the tree.    Thinking that the ex's family has very strong defenses in place to protect family members from those who are not blood ties... .just can't help feeling guarded... .and wishing I could clear the air without being perceived as a threat to those defenses... .Are these the "egg shells"?

[Mutt]

LettingGo14 makes a good point. NC is a boundary on ourselves. To give ourselves space and time to heal. There's nothing wrong with saying something simple and telling them why you have a boundary.

"I need my space to heal from the r/s and i would appreciate it if we didn't talk about (family member) at this time. I hope you understand."

What's the back story on the family? Are you trying to maintain a friendship? Do you work together? Do they watch a child while you work?

It is for your need, not their need.

[Harlygirl]

Yes... .associated through work.   The thing is... .I find myself avoiding topics of conversation about the family... .for fear it will lead to mention of my ex... .I have tried to let the family member know that I can be a friend to them... .but get the sense that I am no longer trusted... .probably painted in a way that would make it easier for my ex to hide his own behaviors... .I know it shouldn't concern me... .but it does

[seeking balance]

Harlygirl,

Personal boundaries are important for you both - keep it professional and simple.  It is likely they are walking on eggshells as much with you as you with them.  This is pretty common for inlaws in a divorce, not even BPD really.

Does it concern you or is it making you sad, another layer of grief in processing the loss of the relationship perhaps?

Best,

SB