I agree.  She filed so many motions against me already I doubt this is the end.  Securing my house and other assets was huge.  Now it will only be over custody.  It's funny how I'm just a normal dad normal guy always looking over my shoulder wondering what I'm doing wrong that she will twist some restraining order against me.

I also accepted no child support from her.  So if she files anything I'm going for child support.

130k a year.  She's broke, can't pay her rent, blamed it all on me.  She doesn't realize once she spends her buyout, she'll be broke again

All she is doing is going out with random guys looking for her next provider.  13 years and looking back, I was a paycheck.  Saved everything and did it right.  First downturn and we were ready, but nope she wanted to blow through all of our money.   I tried to put her on a budget, she said it was abuse and punishment.

I appreciate it.  Working on the qdro now.  She's so broke she left everything behind for a buyout

Hi Zachira.  I took a break from this board as it is what I needed for healing, but remain grateful for the support you and others have provided in my journey.  Though it can be painful and challenging to act on, I think the heightened awareness we develop as we explore our role in dysfunctional family relationships, can help us pick up things that others who don’t have our shared experience don’t see.   In the long run that can be beneficial if we approach it with self compassion and take actions to protect ourselves appropriately.  Over the last year, I started to pick up on BPD tendencies in a woman who was taking care of our second home and living in our guest house. My husband couldn’t see it at all, and marginalized my concerns repeatedly; there was a point, where I really wondered if I was just projecting my experiences with my sister and had become overly distrustful.   Unfortunately, her behaviors worsened and it all became very obvious to others, and finally when some close friends pointed it out, my husband, realized my intuitions were right on.   My learning is that I need to trust my intuitions and sensing, and not expect others, who don’t share my lived experience to see what I see.  When we trust our intuition, and take proactive steps to distance or protect ourselves, it is a path to emotional freedom.   In our case, there was a lot of drama, that could have possibly been partially avoided, if I had been more assertive with my husband, and we had been more proactive.   It sounds like you are not ready to disconnect with this group, but I am hoping you can explore, what the benefits versus the costs of remaining engaged are.  Are there ways to achieve those benefits, and mitigating the downsides?  Do you have a trusted proxy who could attend and represent your views?   Are you able to attend in a more disengaged, neutral or grey rock way?   I have been doing a lot of self reflection, since my mom died and going NC with my sister. We have a finite amount of time on earth, and each of makes choices every day on how and where to spend our physical and emotional energy.   I recognize how much energy was dedicated to managing my relationship with my sister, and am so grateful to be able to redirect my energy to more positive things in my life now.  I have a much lower tolerance now for spending time with people who are insincere, unkind or toxic.   As you said they are often very charming and hard to spot, but I am beginning to realize that it may be that our “superpower” as family members of pwBPD is the ability to see those tendencies more clearly or quickly than others.  What if we could  leverage that super power to create more positivity in our lives?

I have read your daughter's responses to you and they are disrespectful and demanding. Although it's understandable that you are concerned about her well being, responding to them by sending money is enabling and reinforcing her behavior with you.

If she is 39, she is an adult, and is either capable of working or applying for disability assistance if she is unable to work. You, on the other hand, are looking at retirement and need to conserve your resources for your own needs. Clearly, your D isn't concerned about the impact of taking money you need for your own well being from you, so you need to be concerned for yourself.

While my situation is different, it's an example of not having boundaries on spending. My father accommodated my BPD mother's spending. He earned a decent income but this created financial problems.

When my father passed away, he left her with significant assets and she has spent them recklessly. Although family members (who have no interest in her money for themselves) have attempted to reason with her, it has not been effective. Since she's considered "legally competent" and it's her money, she can do what she wants with it.

Of course, like you are concerned for your D, we are concerned for my mother's well being, but it's not reciprocal.

It's kind of you to have provided a financial advisor but your D would have needed to want this and cooperate and she hasn't done that. Talking, planning, reasoning- none of this works with my mother as we have tried. The only boundary that works with her is a zero in her bank account, as it's the bank's boundary.

I understand tough love is hard, but to continue to enable your D will continue this kind of disrepectful and entitled behavior on her part and also she won't learn financial limits if you do. She will learn that treating you this way is how she gets money. I hope for your own sake that you designate someone who does care for your well being as power of attorney to act on your behalf if needed because your D has shown she won't do that.

It’s a lot to process, especially for the kids.

Some practical matters to consider…

What’s to prevent her from filing a motion for modification later?  Ask your atty if there’s anything that can be added to make this stick.

Consider refraining from offering her more time or any other  concessions - it can set a precedent later.  This is where you need to consider what you might offer verbally vs email or text.

She’s setup the perfect victim position - don’t be surprised when this gets reframed downstream…

Parenting with anyone with a PD is a lot of work.

Cherish the time you’ve got with your kids.

https://www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/women-with-traits-of-bpd-regaining-trust/

Hi, I haven’t seen this referenced here at all so that I may be able to contribute a valuable lesson learned. Several times I have attempted to use SET with mixed results, perhaps it is because of how I am executing it but often it is interpreted by BPD spouse as demeaning in some way. However, I recently came across the above where you are essentially validating not just her feelings but also the fear that is at the heart of what is causing those feelings. She and I were talking this week and I used this method and it seemed to have the desired effect so I highly recommend it and am planning to use it again. Hope this helps others.

There have been examples of religious couples here on this board and where the spouse has BPD. I think it's as varied as people are. To summarize it- religion involves abstract thinking and it is a relationship. Since BPD involves disordered thinking, emotions, and relationships- it's going to influence religious beliefs in some way too.

If someone believes in God, their relationship with God is uniquely personal. Even in the same religion, while there's an agreement on certain principles, you have no idea what anyone else in your religion is thinking or believing exactly. There are other benefits to belonging to a religious group- a sense of identity, community, and social events that are appealing to people including pwBPD.

People also have the choice to not believe in a religion or God. I think pwBPD are like everyone else in that they can make a choice of what to believe and also, we have no way to know what they are thinking about it exactly but if their thinking is disordered, I think it will also influence that.

Forgiveness is a choice - I think one that involves complicated emotions. If we look at this in context of all choices and behavior- one chooses a behavior because it benefits them in some way. All behaviors have a cost and a payoff and if the payoff is greater than the cost, the behavior persists.

Why would someone choose to forgive rather than to not forgive? The "payoff" could be that it fits our values, or religious values, or to preserve a relationship that we value, or that forgiveness is part of letting go of resentment which is better for us.

So why would someone choose to not forgive - how is that more "beneficial" to them than to forgive?

This is my own thoughts- from observations. In the Karpman triangle dynamics, the pwBPD sees themselves in victim position. There's a "benefit" to this perspective and it is to avoid shame. To take accountability for one's actions- this can cause shame. PwBPD have difficulty with uncomfortable feelings, and can assume they come from something else, rather than their own feelings. If they feel shame, then someone or something is doing this to them. Victims are not accountable, you don't blame a victim. It's not their fault. Other people are either in rescuer or persecutor position.

From my own observation, there needs to be "evidence" for their feeling like a victim. Even in the absence of a motive, she seems find some "evidence" of intent to be hurtful to her. I can visit my BPD mother, do several nice things for her, and somehow she will focus on something I didn't do or she thinks I did wrong and assume some other motive to it.

The "payoff" for the choice to not forgive is that it becomes evidence of victim position and this is a greater emotional need than to have the benefit of forgiveness. As to whether or not they can forgive- I think it's more about their disordered thinking that makes them unable to do this. It doesn't fit their way of thinking.

Hi. This is my first post.
I am married to a person with BPD. We have been together for almost 15 years, married for eight. She was diagnosed last August (not officially, but almost, at a mental health treatment center). It really wasn't a surprise given some of our history. Alcohol abuse also plays a role here. I used to drink more than I should as well but quit for almost two years and now drink only socially, which isn't much. There is more to our story, and I'll post it eventually, but at this time I'm having very difficult night and am hoping for some help in understanding something, if that's possible.

Why, why, why do BPD's say things they know hurt you terribly? I know we all do that at times when angry or upset, but it's different with them (or at least that is my experience). The latest thing she said just broke me. We are talking seriously about divorce (her more than I). She told me that our entire relationship was not ever real. That it was based on shared life difficulties at the time. (We met during the recession and were both hurting financially, etc. We eventually got back on our feet and moved on to better things). I told her that I had genuinely loved her and still did. It just seemed to make her angry. ***I should add that I had recently returned home from staying with a mutual friend so that we could have some time apart for self-reflection, etc. I guess I kind of initiated things, but it was never meant to be permanent in my mind and I felt I made it clear to her. 
This particular thing she said has just been one of many things she has said to me lately. Most of them have been character attacks, accusations that are kind of crazy actually and hold no merit.
I am so hurt and confused. My head is swimming.
I'm sorry too. I didn't mean my first post to be a pity party. Thanks for listening and reading.

If I understand correctly you had a three month sexual relationship with this woman and then accepted a humiliating relegation to the "friendzone" for two years. During this time you still claimed some sort of relationship rights over her. Now she has a new relationship and has pushed you into the no-contact zone.

This is an example of the paradox of BPD. You will have to admit you did everything wrong during those two years but now have an excellent result: she is out of your life. Had you acted correctly, by distancing yourself from her the moment she broke up, you would have eventually been idealized and she would have reconnected with you. Since you would have held the cards in that situation, you would have to power to make it clear that the friendzone was a no-go and demand sex as a condition of contact.

Since pwBDP's typically have unstable relationships, her new situation will probably deteriorate at some point. She may contact you or may not--she might be hesitant given how clingy you were.

Your best play is to get as far away from her as possible. Use this relationship as a learning experience and try not to make the same mistakes again with future lovers. By distancing yourself from her you will paradoxically raise your value to her. She may eventually send feelers out to get a sense of your situation. Your best move would be to ignore them. Second best is to reject any friendzone situations and make it clear that you are only down for a sexual relationship. Worst would be to go back into her friendzone orbit.