Been away, thought things were looking up...and then

[allienoah]

I had taken a break from posting, ruminating, reading about and pretty much thinking about BPD for a bit. I tried to use the tools, and honestly, things were going very well. There were no breakdowns, breakups, rages etc. I felt my bfwBPD was actually reacting to all of his "crisis" situations in a much better way. I communicated without using JADE-ing and maintaining my boundaries. We were actually planning on a trip together again.
Well yesterday was his birthday. I wanted it to be a great day for him, as something has always ruined it in the past-actually he would ruin it by getting upset over something and raging.
All was going so well. My son just got a full-time job in his field. He graduated college in May and has been discouraged at how difficult it has been to find something. He took several jobs over this summer and recently went to work with his cousin to make sure he had something for the fall. Well, the job he wanted came through and he was nervous about telling his cousin he would have to quit. I tell this because when my bf and I returned from dinner, my son needed me to talk. Bf went in room to change and settle into bed. I sat down with my son and tried to give him advice as to his issue. Bf texted me from bedroom telling me to finish up and come to bed. I walked down the hall and told him this is important and I would be a few more minutes.
Well, I went back to my son, finished up a few minutes later and returned to my room to find bf getting dressed. He said he was leaving as I was being "completely disrespectful" and ruined his birthday. I didn't argue. I let him leave. I went to bed. All the rest of the night I was treated to intermittent phone calls and name-calling, curse-filled texts. He told me he would not allow me to sleep. well I stopped answering the calls and texts and did manage to get some sleep. I was left a message about what a horrible person I am, how my son always needs a "bottle from his Mommy" and we were breaking up.
Honestly, I am fine with this. It just brought back all the other battles, all the other rages, and the unending reality that if I give an ounce of attention to ANYONE-even my son-it is not tolerated.
Just needed to get this off my chest, as I feel really stupid for thinking that we had turned a corner. How foolish could I be? And I feel like an idiot for actually being so disappointed in his behavior last night. Another birthday ruined -yet I know it is not my doing.

[Mutt]

Hi allienoah,

Just needed to get this off my chest, as I feel really stupid for thinking that we had turned a corner. How foolish could I be? And I feel like an idiot for actually being so disappointed in his behavior last night. Another birthday ruined -yet I know it is not my doing.

Turning the corner is in the context of two people, by nature a pwBPD are emotionally arrested at the young age of a child, we teach people to accept a pwBPD as they are and to also accept that they likely will not change, that's not always the case, some pwBPD do get help and recover from the disorder. We also say to change things in the r/s requires that the non disordered partner changes, again that doesn't quite fit the turning the corner label, change only requires one person and you should give yourself a pat on the back for making changes    It's not easy to change, it takes hard work, kudos to you!

I think that you're being hard on yourself, you're forgetting the work that you did, I also think that it's not easy to not JADE without having your own feelings about the behaviours, not JADE'ing helps with conflict but you can feel the way that you do about his behaviours, validate those feelings, talk to us on here. Finally, you said so yourself that this birthday triggered past memories and that's what it is, it triggered feelings, you can also look at it as looking back and looking at the improvements that you made, your bfwBPD has a serious mental illness that is going to require hard work in therapy to learn how to behave around others, he may go to therapy but you have to realistic in a r/s when a partner suffers from a mental illness, they may never change your bfwBPD is who he is.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey allienoah, I think you handled it well by not arguing and letting him leave.  The abusive calls and texts that followed are typical for a pwBPD.  I'm glad to hear that you're fine with what happened, because that's a big step forward.  I admire your courage to stand your ground and be true to your son and to yourself.  No, it is not your doing.  Unfortunately those w/BPD often behave in childlike fashion, whereas a healthy r/s requires two adults.

LJ

[allienoah]

Your responses definitely made me feel better-thank you!
Recognizing that I didn't feed the fire, so to speak, is a good thing. And being true to my son and myself, is very important to me. Part of the reason my son dislikes bf so much is the attitude that I don't need to be there for my adult children. Bf continuously engages in a battle for attention with them, although he will never admit it. I believe that on top of the birthday issue, the fact that I was giving attention to my son, when bf wanted that attention and feels my son isn't "worthy" of getting that attention, contributed to his meltdown. He apologized by text earlier for calling me names and cursing at me. I honestly don't know how to respond right now, other than to say that I am still very hurt and need some time to sort this out. I did say that I understand that he felt I spent too much time w/my son and acknowledged his frustration. I gave no excuses or other apologies. Short and to the point. That's all.

[unsureuncertain]

I think you set great personal boundaries in terms of knowing what you will and won't accept. That is quite commendable!

[Lucky Jim]

Bf continuously engages in a battle for attention with them, although he will never admit it.

This reminds me of my BPDxW, who battled with me about my desire to see friends and family, due to her fears about abandonment and her insecurities.  My view is that there is plenty of love to go around and it's not an issue of scarcity, yet those /wBPD don't see it that way because they respond from an emotional need that is akin to that of a child needing attention.  I like how you didn't feed the fire.  Keep up the great work!

LJ

[allienoah]

Thanks LuckyJim! I too feel strongly that there is plenty of love to go around. The idea of just one person being a priority 100% of the time is so unrealistic, and unnecessary. It hurts me that a grown man with 4 kids of his own, can't see that there are times my kids need to be #1 regardless of how old they are. If he recognized that, he probably wouldn't have some of the issues he has with his own kids. How did you validate your ex's need for your complete attention, and still maintain relationships with others? I have validated bf's feelings regarding how he felt I "dropped him like a hot potato" upon arriving home. However, I personally disagree and feel it is completely infantile that a grown man gets so angry that he claims I "ruined" his birthday, all over me helping my son with an issue for 30 minutes. The big sin is that I left him alone in the room while I attended to my son. Really? I know-he has an emotional disorder. I can't agree with him at all, and would do the same thing again. I guess that's all on me, as I should know by now that I will be on the receiving end of verbal garbage. I'm just venting again, and realize this is where RA comes in.

[Mutt]

Does he steal the thunder when your birthday comes up too?

[allienoah]

No he doesn't... that's no problem for him. He usually tries to make it special... it's interesting though cos he has never gotten me a gift ... it's usually a dinner. Funny cos I just thought of that.
Anyway- he does get angry if I put effort into other's birthdays. It's all part of him needing to feel #1.
He's going to keep bringing up this birthday all year!

[Mutt]

I hear you   I'd put birthdays in the top three of the most stressful things with my exBPDw I'd be walking on eggshells on hers and mine.