BPDex Trying to Get Validation On FB...

[Turkish]

Funny. All of my close friends know what is going on. With one of my more astute ones (i've known him about 30 years, childhood friends), I've shared all of my BPD knowledge, even sending him threads on this board.

the only public thing that became known was that I wrote and "forced" her to post our breakup message on FB late in Aug. after I found out about the affair. She has not been on FB as much, but can't help posting things sometimes. Last night, after she threw out the f-bomb to our son and was filling out housing apps (but before our crying and talking thing), she posted something from some "teen" page (this is a 30+ year old woman). It says ":)on't ever take your girl for granted, you never know who's there correcting your mistakes."

That was last night, not a single "like", even from her friends or family. I guess that makes me feel better. I don't have to smear; I just have to sit back, take care of the home, kids, and situation as best I can. The truth speaks for itself; it doesn't need anyone to speak for it.

[DownandOut]

Funny. All of my close friends know what is going on. With one of my more astute ones (i've known him about 30 years, childhood friends), I've shared all of my BPD knowledge, even sending him threads on this board.

the only public thing that became known was that I wrote and "forced" her to post our breakup message on FB late in Aug. after I found out about the affair. She has not been on FB as much, but can't help posting things sometimes. Last night, after she threw out the f-bomb to our son and was filling out housing apps (but before our crying and talking thing), she posted something from some "teen" page (this is a 30+ year old woman). It says ":)on't ever take your girl for granted, you never know who's there correcting your mistakes."

That was last night, not a single "like", even from her friends or family. I guess that makes me feel better. I don't have to smear; I just have to sit back, take care of the home, kids, and situation as best I can. The truth speaks for itself; it doesn't need anyone to speak for it.

That type of thing worked out better for you than it did for me, my friend. After I told her I could never speak to her again because of the pain she causes me, my uBPDexgf decided to rub my nose in her new relationship (a relationship that likely began during ours) a week after we broke up. I took her to Europe the week before we broke up and didn't post 1 pic of our vacation! However, 2 weeks after we broke up she's posting pictures of a cup of coffee and a bagel and tagging him in it talking about how "spoiled" she is (I guess he bought her the bagel)! Unfortunately, all her friends that were liking all her pics of her and I throughout the relationship are suddenly so supportive of her new relationship (1 week later mind you) that she got the validation she was so desperately looking for. It sucks! Her friends are so supportive of her even though they know she did the wrong thing. How does she look to those that knew she was in Europe with me a week earlier and now she's in what appears to be another serious relationship? It boggles my mind that people would support that!

[Aussie0zborn]

How does she look to those that knew she was in Europe with me a week earlier and now she's in what appears to be another serious relationship? It boggles my mind that people would support that!

Ever heard the expression, "wings of a feather flock together"? Chances are she had smeared you and her friends are glad she is no longer with you.  This should mean nothing to you as it's not reflection of you, but a reflection of the BPD dynamic.

Mine posted a hallmark event on FB "28 July - End Of Relationship" and got a lot of sympathy from people not too close. She would have gotten more "likes" if she had posted "28 July - End of Relationship/Start of New Relationship".

You need to block her on FB. I did, but I noticed yesterday that she viewed my LinkedIn page which I haven't used for over a year. FB is a perfect vehicle for PwBPD to show you how wonderful their life is without you. You shouldn't be looking.

[allweareisallweare]

It's a dangerous thing, Facebook - simply, it is a propaganda tool, especially if somebody isn't that bright to understand that, of course, i.e a BPD - for example, we know that the black and white thing is key for them - for them to be validated Facebook is inclusive of that somebody's virtual 'like' is important to them, obviously. A BPD will try and use social networking to their 'advantage' or perceived advantage just to try and rile us nons, who have done what we can for them... .

My DBPDex posted a picture of her and the rebound, put it as a profile after ten days. Like, honestly, how can that not be mentally backward? If the BPD wasn't diagnosed, let's say it was irrelevant, I'd still think that was mentally abnormal. Like, why would you be soo so keen to put something as dumb and illicit as a rebound (ten days later) and tell everyone? Lol. Are they not, the ones who knew me (her friends), just going to think bad of her? Is anyone who is anyone just going to not ... .think wow... .nobody cares? I, for one, don't care.

Downandout - love is blind and so is friendship, since it's a warped form of love, must be too ... don't worry. I never think myself as the lesser person; if your ex has this swarm of Harpies willing to go beside her side, albeit virtually, when she calls then let them - we know what happened to THE wicked witch in the end, in The Wizard of Oz - did the harpies save her then?  The sit on the fence, these people, until their asses hurt or I've been out-and-out deleted by some from FB - I don't need those people; they will see their true colours in the end, no doubt.

You're doing a good job, Turkish, Downandout... .so hang on in.

[Century2012]

The FB thing can be SO stupid.

He tried to "recycle" with me, even though he got married 4 months after our b/u. I did not bite. So then he tried to "recycle" with his ex-wife (the woman before me.) She gave him a piece of her mine, so he smeared her all over FB. Never mind that all his friends and co-workers will see the bile he spewed.

Ugh. Can they not use their brain?

[DownandOut]

How does she look to those that knew she was in Europe with me a week earlier and now she's in what appears to be another serious relationship? It boggles my mind that people would support that!

Ever heard the expression, "wings of a feather flock together"? Chances are she had smeared you and her friends are glad she is no longer with you.  This should mean nothing to you as it's not reflection of you, but a reflection of the BPD dynamic.

Mine posted a hallmark event on FB "28 July - End Of Relationship" and got a lot of sympathy from people not too close. She would have gotten more "likes" if she had posted "28 July - End of Relationship/Start of New Relationship".

You need to block her on FB. I did, but I noticed yesterday that she viewed my LinkedIn page which I haven't used for over a year. FB is a perfect vehicle for PwBPD to show you how wonderful their life is without you. You shouldn't be looking.

I did block her, as did my friends and family; however, I'm having a hard time blocking her family and friends that I was friends with because I truly liked these people. Some of her family members have actually liked pictures I've put up recently. She would always tell me how much her family loved me and, honestly, even with all the lies I do believe that to be true (her cold, detached, old-school, alcoholic father even called me son). I know I probably should block them as well, but I'm just not ready. When I see her name pop up commenting on a picture I don't get the same knife to the chest feeling I used to so I guess I'm healing. Still hurts though.

[Turkish]

It's a dangerous thing, Facebook - simply, it is a propaganda tool, especially if somebody isn't that bright to understand that, of course, i.e a BPD - for example, we know that the black and white thing is key for them - for them to be validated Facebook is inclusive of that somebody's virtual 'like' is important to them, obviously. A BPD will try and use social networking to their 'advantage' or perceived advantage just to try and rile us nons, who have done what we can for them... .

The more I read, the more I realize how lucky I am (despite her telling me last night that it was hard to find a place and she might be in my house until January! It's the kids... .the kids... .), compared to a lot of you all here. The euro trip is harsh (I've done it twice with buddies, and there is no way I could stand her traveling like we did, she's such a princess); mine was buying her a $30K+ SUV two weeks before she told me it was over, then two weeks later I found out about the affair.

She is such a hermit that she doesn't engage much with even very close friends. Two of them moved out of state, and she keeps in contact with them. The others are far away friends. So her support system is nil, at least nearby. I opened up to her younger brother last night messaging (he's out of town, in school), and I am thankful he is behind me (and our kids), too. That felt good. My therapist keeps saying her behavior is she trying to justify the unjustifiable (the cheating before she "left". I keep repeating that to myself, over and over.

[Turkish]

The FB thing can be SO stupid.

Ugh. Can they not use their brain?

They use the brain of a child throwing a tantrum. Among adults (most of us, hopefully), it's just embarrassing.

[Century2012]

I know Turkish ... .

I got tired of feeling like I had to "parent." I used to ask, "how would you feel if this situation was reversed?" He humbly agreed with my frustration.

I would not stand for the BS. I stood my ground. So, in some weird way, that made him trust me more. And perhaps enable him to act like an adult when we parted ways.

I just miss him. Gosh, I was being so strong. So rational. Maybe its the rain.

[Oliolioxenfree]

These stories all sound so familiar... .sadly.  The cut off and then the instarelationships  they being and plaster all over social media.

When I deleted photos of us, he retaliated and did the same.  When I defriended his friends and family (with the exception of a few we met mutual who i didnt care about and actually liked), he defended my female friends... .yet he made sure to keep a few of my closest ones.

It was all tit for tat.  he mirrored my every post breakup move on social media and made sure I knew. But admittedly i was still creeping on his page back then.

Finally I Moved on and started dating maybe 6 months after the breakup and I was tagged in a picture that was  "liked" by a mutual friend of ours with a guy i was dating... .So he could see it.   Within 24 hours his cover photo was him and the woman he overlapped me with, his girlfriend. 

This story wasn't to rehash the past but to show... They are in fact emotionally immature and stunted.  Its like fighting with children.  So they may plaster photos of their new loves all over Facebook... .But Id be embarrassed FOR them if anything. 

[Turkish]

I know Turkish ... .

I got tired of feeling like I had to "parent." I used to ask, "how would you feel if this situation was reversed?" He humbly agreed with my frustration.

I would not stand for the BS. I stood my ground. So, in some weird way, that made him trust me more. And perhaps enable him to act like an adult when we parted ways.

I just miss him. Gosh, I was being so strong. So rational. Maybe its the rain.

That is interesting... .similarly, I am being the "Father" now more than ever. And things are "cool" (meaning, ok, not "great" between us living in the same house for what could be a few more months :^( She told me the other night that she needed someone to guide her and lead her (the 23 year old boy-man whose arms she ran into? Hah!). Now, at the end, I am doing that more than ever. Maybe she will see it someday, maybe not (since I will have to keep in contact with her to co-parent, I will find out).

I miss her so much, too, and seeing her every morning and night makes it worse... .especially since we have that lack of modesty that couples have, even though we are no longer a couple. She does not flaunt anything, and neither do I, but you know how it is... .

I find myself fantasizing about us getting together again... a few months is a long time to live together while apart. It is very, very difficult for me. I still sleep in the kids' room during weeknights for... .security, and to be surrounded by love... .while our bed lies abandoned, and she still sleeps on the couch. Oh man, I hate her (not really?), I love her (not really?), but I just want it to be OVER.

[ucmeicu2]

I find myself fantasizing about us getting together again...

<cut> Oh man, I hate her (not really?), I love her (not really?), but I just want it to be OVER.

totally nodding my head over here.  i broke up with her but i still miss her, still fantasize abt getting back together sometimes, and well basically feel rejected like i was dumped!  how is that even possible?  <sigh>

and the hate her/love her/hate her/love her roller coaster.  sometimes wonder if i have BPD myself.  so many of us here seem to have some of the same traits they have.  yikes.  this ___ gets weirder all the time.

icu2

[HarmKrakow]

I find myself fantasizing about us getting together again...

<cut> Oh man, I hate her (not really?), I love her (not really?), but I just want it to be OVER.

totally nodding my head over here.  i broke up with her but i still miss her, still fantasize abt getting back together sometimes, and well basically feel rejected like i was dumped!  how is that even possible?  <sigh>

and the hate her/love her/hate her/love her roller coaster.  sometimes wonder if i have BPD myself.  so many of us here seem to have some of the same traits they have.  yikes.  this ___ gets weirder all the time.

icu2

It actually doesn't. It only get's more logical over time. It really does. The fact of a break up can chemically alter your brain. Most of us have wondered if we had BPD because we did get (mentally) molested by them and got through such a pain that we couldn't remember who we were and they triggered ancient pain within ourselves, the non's. This might give us the feeling we are the ones being sick, and not them.

The thing is, we do behave consciously. Have a rational mind. They don't.

[DragoN]

Whenever I read about FB and the social media, internally I cringe. I will have nothing to do with it. Seems like 90% of the problems in r/s start with this FB crap. If it's important call or email, otherwise it's not important enough for me.

I just want it to be OVER.   

That's where I am, not love, not hate, indifference. It's been many years stepping back from the problem to get to this point though. No second thoughts or doubts.

It actually doesn't. It only get's more logical over time. It really does. The fact of a break up can chemically alter your brain. Most of us have wondered if we had BPD because we did get (mentally) molested by them and got through such a pain that we couldn't remember who we were and they triggered ancient pain within ourselves, the non's. This might give us the feeling we are the ones being sick, and not them.

The thing is, we do behave consciously. Have a rational mind. They don't.

I like this thought "Mentally Molested" yes... .good description. I have seen the effects in someone else. It's quite frightening, but he is aware.

I did not get to the point of forgetting who I am, not possible. But that who I am was one very very angry non? That is not to be discussed. I was over the top. And fortunately, through T with a very good counselor, I was given permission to be angry as I had every right to be. To be angry in the face of abuse is a normal reaction.

[Traumatized]

I don't have Facebook, but shortly after I was discarded someone told me she had written about our relationship on there.  I was eager to know what was said, but the other person suddenly got quiet and turned away from me.  Obviously whatever was written was something awful.  The smear campaign had been going on for quite awhile already and her Facebook posting was icing on the cake.  She has thousands of "friends" on there and now they know what a disgusting, evil, horrible person I am.  She's done her best to ostracize me from our community and wants to make sure I never make a single other friend.  I'm not about to join Facebook just to tell my side of things.  Her minions probably wouldn't believe me anyway.  Not after the thorough brainwashing they've gotten.

[Ironmanrises]

The validation they seek on FB... .

Is to keep the circle of enablers... .

From siding with you... .

The non.

I permanently closed my facebook... .

And instagram... .

The very day... .

She discarded me for the second time.

After what i saw... .

In devaluation... .

For 3 months... .

How her behavior towards me... .

Was displayed... .

In subtle/overt jabs... .

Via Facebook... .

Via Instagram... .

Via Twitter(public account)... .

3 months of viewing that.

No more.

The final display... .

I saw... .

Was on instagram... .

Where she liked this one pic... .

That said... .

"I came... .

I f¥cked sh¥t up... .

I left... ."

That was what she liked.

No more.

Enough.

That is awareness.

[hopealways]

The validation they seek on FB... .

Is to keep the circle of enablers... .

From siding with you... .

The non.

I permanently closed my facebook... .

And instagram... .

The very day... .

She discarded me for the second time.

After what i saw... .

In devaluation... .

For 3 months... .

How her behavior towards me... .

Was displayed... .

In subtle/overt jabs... .

Via Facebook... .

Via Instagram... .

Via Twitter(public account)... .

3 months of viewing that.

No more.

The final display... .

I saw... .

Was on instagram... .

Where she liked this one pic... .

That said... .

"I came... .

I f¥cked sh¥t up... .

I left... ."

That was what she liked.

No more.

Enough.

That is awareness.

Wow this girl was evil and cruel Ironmanfalls. Her statement sums up what Borderlines do best.  Glad you got out of that.  My BPDex specifically said she was "cruel" and her mother told me she is sometimes "mean". I should have listened to both of them.  Now I know to listen to the red flags.

[ucmeicu2]

The final display... .

I saw... .

Was on instagram... .

Where she liked this one pic... .

That said... .

"I came... .

I f¥cked sh¥t up... .

I left... ."

That was what she liked.

No more.

Enough.

That is awareness.

ironman, i applaud the integrity, discipline, and self-respect that demonstrated.  i need to strengthen those muscles within me... .

icu2

[Ironmanrises]

Hope, Ucme... .

I can relate.

My exUBPDgf described herself... .

As "mean" as well.

I remember her telling me... .

Back in friendship... .

"I can get very mean... ."

Told me this a few times.

Of course... .

I had no idea at the time.

I thought she was overstating it.

I was so wrong.

She showed me... .

How mean she could get... .

In round 1.

And then further exemplified that... .

In round 2.

Very mean... .

Was only scratching the surface.

By then... .

I was all alone... .

With inbound missiles... .

Waves of them... .

All directed at me... .

And my CIWS guns... .

Desperately firing... .

In all directions... .

Trying to intercept them.

[Turkish]

Hope, Ucme... .

I can relate.

My exUBPDgf described herself... .

As "mean" as well.

I remember her telling me... .

Back in friendship... .

"I can get very mean... ."

Told me this a few times.

Of course... .

I had no idea at the time.

I thought she was overstating it.

I was so wrong.

Oh yes... .during the short friendship time, we were driving once, and she got this faraway look and told me, "with me, you'll get both heaven and hell... ." (I should have pulled over and let her out right there)

It is horrible now, but I can imagine a lot worse. So it isn't hell.

And I never got "heaven" either.

Can I get my money back?

[Retro1974]

Facebook is one hell of a dangerous tool!

Before I met my exBPDgf, I was on FB and used it the normal way it should. I was in a 4-year relationship but always knew what life events should be kept off the social media.

I split up with my ex and then went into a relationship with my BPDex (who I added as a friend 2 years prior) shortly after and it eventually made me realise how it can be used for evil purposes. This was a 21yo girl at the time who was completely glued to FB and twitter at every free moment - suddenly it felt like that I had no privacy anymore because we were tagged, pictures added etc everywhere we went. Then it went to the next step of her coaxing me into 'like my status... .like my photo... .like my check in... .you name it'! It went the next step when she started to use it to attack my family openly on FB and some of my close friends (whom I've lost that status since) through PM.

This is where our relationship started the rift, and I actually went off Facebook for nearly 6 months until we split - she wasn't happy with that either. When we did split, I reactivated my account and first thing I did was unfriend/block any mutual friends/family that I met through her so there was no way she could keep tabs on my life but the problem with Facebook is that she can always try to add me through a newly created account (think I've blocked 6 at least) had I've actually now blocked all accounts that have her name as a precaution.

It's a real shame cos I've met someone new now and I know I have to be more private than I originally was before I met my BPDex to protect my new gf cos if she knew what she was called then I wouldn't put it past her that she'd start PM abusing her too... .