Trying to understand and to take care of myself

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I had been in a relationship with a woman for 2.5 years. I knew earlier on that things were strange between the two of us. Her behavior was odd and it was something I had never witnessed before. I knew that she had come from a abusive background because we discussed it. She had been a victim of incest and came from a family where this was acceptable behavior. Her relationship with her mother was non-existent. According to her, SHE HATED her MOTHER!  She left her home state and relocated to where I reside. She appeared mature, level headed and honest. There were times when things were completely weird for example,,,I wasn't permitted to befriend anyone she knew. If she had company she couldn't talk to me on the phone nor could I know who was over. We would plan to go shopping together and she would tell me later that she already went with someone else when I was on my way to pick her up. She relocated to where I live and stayed with me for a little over a month until her apartment became ready. During that time, she was withdrawn, irritable, took phone calls away from me, blow up over the littlist of things. Over time, she continued to EXPRESS her feelings of emptiness. She would transfer her own feelings of worth onto me by saying things like, Aww you look so sad, so empty inside. I know you wish to feel my love for you but you can't because I don't feel your love for me either. This wasn't true at all on my part regarding the sadness and emptiness.  Also, she had NO FRIENDS! Everyone who she befriended did something to her which was the reason they were no longer friends, it was ALWAYS SOMEBODY elses FAULT and NOT HERS!. She was SNEAKY and would befriend ppl so that they could hook up later. My request to her was if we were in a relationship I wanted it to be only her and I. She SWORE she had never been faithful but went on to say to me, IF we were BROKE up for even 5 minutes and I got with someone else that's NOT CHEATING! It's just so much and I know that some of what I am rambling on about seems so juvenile and stupid but I am a EMOTIONAL MESS RIGHT NOW. She told me about a month ago that she just wanted to be friends. She also told me that she wasn't in love with me and that she didn't think she has ever been in love with anyone. Mind you during this time she had hooked up with another female that she had been chatting with on google groups. I was not permitted to reach out or befriend anyone she was friends with and if I did than that only meant that I was trying to SABOTAGE her new relationships!

She kept telling me that this woman and her was nothing more than friends but she wouldn't take her calls in front of me, she wouldn't talk about her at all and she forbid me to bring her up period!

The straw that broke the Camel's back was she decided that after spending a day shopping and then she decides that she can't talk to her friend around me so I had to leave her residence. We had a few words about my being jealous and not wanting her to have other people in her life. That's when the argument started through text's and emails and I could go on and on. I was accused of hacking her account. I was accused of reaching out to her friend and trying to sabbotage her relationships. By the time it was all said and done, we are no longer friends and it all my fault and If I hadn't tried to interfere with any of her friends and hacked her account (which I didn't do because I don't even know how to do that). I am COMPLETELY UTTERLY EXHAUSTED and I am fine with MOVING ON except I do LOVE HER but I can't endure the emotional abuse which is very DRAINING! Someone Please Help, I am so Beat up by being with this woman!

[AnnaBlue917]

I had been in a relationship with a woman for 2.5 years. I knew earlier on that things were strange between the two of us. Her behavior was odd and it was something I had never witnessed before. I knew that she had come from a abusive background because we discussed it. She had been a victim of incest and came from a family where this was acceptable behavior. Her relationship with her mother was non-existent. According to her, SHE HATED her MOTHER!  She left her home state and relocated to where I reside. She appeared mature, level headed and honest. There were times when things were completely weird for example,,,I wasn't permitted to befriend anyone she knew. If she had company she couldn't talk to me on the phone nor could I know who was over. We would plan to go shopping together and she would tell me later that she already went with someone else when I was on my way to pick her up. She relocated to where I live and stayed with me for a little over a month until her apartment became ready. During that time, she was withdrawn, irritable, took phone calls away from me, blow up over the littlist of things. Over time, she continued to EXPRESS her feelings of emptiness. She would transfer her own feelings of worth onto me by saying things like, Aww you look so sad, so empty inside. I know you wish to feel my love for you but you can't because I don't feel your love for me either. This wasn't true at all on my part regarding the sadness and emptiness.  Also, she had NO FRIENDS! Everyone who she befriended did something to her which was the reason they were no longer friends, it was ALWAYS SOMEBODY elses FAULT and NOT HERS!. She was SNEAKY and would befriend ppl so that they could hook up later. My request to her was if we were in a relationship I wanted it to be only her and I. She SWORE she had never been faithful but went on to say to me, IF we were BROKE up for even 5 minutes and I got with someone else that's NOT CHEATING! It's just so much and I know that some of what I am rambling on about seems so juvenile and stupid but I am a EMOTIONAL MESS RIGHT NOW. She told me about a month ago that she just wanted to be friends. She also told me that she wasn't in love with me and that she didn't think she has ever been in love with anyone. Mind you during this time she had hooked up with another female that she had been chatting with on google groups. I was not permitted to reach out or befriend anyone she was friends with and if I did than that only meant that I was trying to SABOTAGE her new relationships!

She kept telling me that this woman and her was nothing more than friends but she wouldn't take her calls in front of me, she wouldn't talk about her at all and she forbid me to bring her up period!

The straw that broke the Camel's back was she decided that after spending a day shopping and then she decides that she can't talk to her friend around me so I had to leave her residence. We had a few words about my being jealous and not wanting her to have other people in her life. That's when the argument started through text's and emails and I could go on and on. I was accused of hacking her account. I was accused of reaching out to her friend and trying to sabbotage her relationships. By the time it was all said and done, we are no longer friends and it all my fault and If I hadn't tried to interfere with any of her friends and hacked her account (which I didn't do because I don't even know how to do that). I am COMPLETELY UTTERLY EXHAUSTED and I am fine with MOVING ON except I do LOVE HER but I can't endure the emotional abuse which is very DRAINING! Someone Please Help, I am so Beat up by being with this woman!

[OnceConfused]

annablue:

sorry for the state of mind you are in rightnow. It must not feel good.

So many red flags here my friend.

1. SHe already told you that she has not ever been in love with someone. it sounds to me like she was truthful about it, or at least she was letting you down softly.

2. Why do you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you?

3. Write down the list of things that you like and love about this woman. then on another sheet of paper write down what you don't like about this woman. That excercise will help you see things more clearly.

4. In what sense do you need help?

[AnnaBlue917]

I guess I just NEED SUPPORT because right now WE aren't together. We were working on a FRIENDSHIP in which the lines continually got blurred. This just happened between her and me when she told me 3 weeks ago after asking her umpteen times if she was in love with me. We decided on a friendship then because I am not going to waste my time giving my all to someone who wasn't invested too. Well needless to say the FRIENDSHIP is on HOLD. The reason being is because I reached out to someone on google groups who she happens to befriending at the time and this infuriated her to no end. She doesn't want me to interact with ANYONE that she is friends with. The person told her I reached out to them asking her if she knew me and of course she denied knowing me. This HURTS SO BAD on TOP of being told that she was not in love with me. I believed her too which is why we opted to be just friends.

I am just HURT right now. I can't STOP thinking about her. She doesn't respond to any of my texts, phone calls or emails. I can't understand how you can go from BEING with someone 4-5 times per week, texting and talking daily to 0! I am really trying to make sense of it all through my pain!  One moment I am ANGRY as HELL for wasting my time! The next moment I feel duped, used, lied too and STUPID!

I am here because I NEED SUPPORT. I want to UNDERSTAND what happened and I want to UNDERSTAND how I can FIX ME so that it never happens again.

My heart is BROKE right now!

[OnceConfused]

About what happened, it is hard to understand because the only person who can reveal it, does NOT want to speak. We all can do a guessing game.

Do you want to continue invest time and effort in someone who does not want to love you back?

To me, the word , "being friend" , means in a soft way, THE END.

Time is the best healer of all things. You must let time takes its course. Your thinking about her will go from 100 times per day to 50 then to 10 then to 1, with each day passing.

There is a difference between lovers and friends. Lovers implies commitment to one another, shared goals, intimacy. Friends implies someone who is with you , with not much commitment, a friend who can listen without judgment . It seems to me you want to be more than just friends to her. And when she does not return the same desire, you feel hurt.

Why can't you just simply move on, since it appears that she is not interested in you ?.  Find someone who will love you back, not someone who has a different agenda.

[AnnaBlue917]

I know the difference between lovers and friends. To answer your question, NO I do not wish to spend time loving someone who doesn't love me back. I KNOW I DESERVE better than that. My heart hasn't let go and BELIEVE ME I am trying daily. I haven't reached out to her since joining this sight. It's only been a couple of days but that doesn't mean that I don't have the urge to reach out to her. Listen I get it, I knew that when she said lets just be friends what that meant. It hurt and it still does hurt. But what you don't know is that WE were more than JUST FRIENDS prior to her bringing this up! I am not someone you can just shut on and shut off. Perhaps that is what BPD's can do but I cannot. To ask me "WHY CAN"T I SIMPLY MOVE ON?"  Don't YOU THINK that IF I COULD, IF IT WERE THAT EASY I WOULD? I DESIRE to MOVE ON, I NEED TO MOVE ON! I'm HURT and GRIEVING the LOSS of a COMPANION, call it friend, lovers whatever! I am GRIEVING period. During this process, I am just trying to make sense of it all. I am looking at myself, my actions, my role in ALL OF IT! I am NOT INTERESTED in FINDING SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE ME BACK RIGHT NOW, I AM MORE INTERESTED IN FINDING ME! I NEED ME BACK and I NEED TO LOVE ME FIRST so that I NEVER find myself in a situation like this again! I am interested in UNDERSTANDING what was MISSING INSIDE OF ME that ALLOWED ME to ALLOW her in my life to began with! Much of my WORK, ISN"T SO MUCH ABOUT HER AS IT IS ABOUT ME! I KNOW THAT! It's STILL HURTS, I AM STILL SAD, I STILL MISS HER and I STILL LOVE HER PERIOD! I can't WAIT for the DAY when it becomes less and less, but TODAY is NOT THAT DAY!

[OnceConfused]

to find out who you are and stuffs like that, requires you to go inward, without the noises of a breakup. Time will quiet down your pain from the break up and then and only then you will see your true self.

My yoga teacher told me one time, our life is like a muddy river filled with thousand of rambling thoughts, first we have to stop the flow of the river, then let the mud settle and that point we can easily find our golden nuggets.

Your mind now is full of thousands of thoughts. These rambling thoughts is paralyzing you. You might want to find things to do to occupy your mind, like excercising, sign up for a language class, a cooking class, ... .

I also think a professional therapist can help you sort things out. In my case, my T helped me see BPD with clarity. She said to me gently, "this is a highly risky relationship". At her advise, I read and read about BPD and then designed my exit strategy.