Judd,
Welcome to the board and glad you found us.
That is a great question which I have struggled through. Divorced after 18 yrs with 7 children ages at that time (16, 14, 11, 9, 7, 6, 2). I left house in 2016 and alienation started then. Truth be told there were signs of alienation even before separation... allowing Exbpdw to usurp my authority in discipline, allow her to set schedules which severely limited any 1-1 time with the kids, allowing her to limit time spent with extended family.
I share that as when I left house for the 2 older kids they had seen father (me) who allowed my wife to take total control in the marriage. I was not her equal but just another kid. Again I allowed that to happen over time... a death of a 1000 cuts. So for those two... still 4 yrs later almost 0 communication with me when they turned 18.
11 and 9 year old has been difficult. It has improved only when I got full custody august 2019. Exbpdw gave up all custody voluntarily after over a long court battle spanning over 3 years which she got everything she wanted... primary custody and financial security. Then 3 months after final court case, she wanted nothing of kids. And signed all rights over to me.
The other 3... had not seen what I allowed my exbpd to treat me, talk to me, etc. They have always been like nothing ever happened. They feel 100% comfortable with me as their Dad.
For the older 4 kids, they shunned any relative, friend, even ex family who still spoke with me. It was incredibly sad.
The older 2 still shun them, but the rest do not anymore.
How did I get through...
**learning about alienation from reading books and you tube videos of dr. Childress. It help me understand the dynamics at play and not take things so personally.
An Attachment-Based Model of Parental Alienation: Foundations
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0996114505/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_76cEEbTAAMCAN** watch videos of 'Ryan Thomas Speaks'. It gave me an understanding what the child feels like. He was a child who was alienated from his father growing up but had reunited back with him.
https://www.google.com/search?q=ryan+thomas+speaks+youtube&oq=ryan+thoma&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j35i39j69i65l3.5875j0j7&client=ms-android-verizon&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#** this board. Posting my story. A lot of great people on this board with loads of experience.
What quelled the alienation the most was:
*extended time with kids. The 1/2 summer was huge for me. My first summer was just in 2019. It was after the 1/2 summer that I felt closer to kids and they with me. It was after that extended period with them that exbpd released all custody to me.
It has been the hardest thing I ever went through. So so painful. And still is especially with the oldest 2. However, I am at peace with it but pray it changes with those 2. I am so much a better father to the other kids.
Tell us a little more of your background, marriage, divorce, and current alienation and how it has impacted you? Kids?