UBPDh refusing further therapy bad bad cycle and I'm losing it

[Bpdwifelife]

I'm in a really bad place. My uBPDh is in a bad cycle of rage and verbal abuse. He's decided he's done with therapy and he's drinking a lot. This past weekend and week have been hell. If he's not getting better I can't live with him. I'm leaving this weekend to go to my other house as I need a break from him. I have been practicing what I learned here and it works and helps but he's getting worse and I lost it with him yesterday - I couldn't help myself - I felt like the one with BPD just being really nasty to him and telling him to leave me alone and stay away from me. When his rage is bad he is really cruel and unbearable to be near so I'm on the undecided board again. I really can't stay married to him if he doesn't get a grip. He says I'm the one with the problem and he is refusing further therapy which was helping him. I just can't stand him right now. He's paranoid delusional selfish and has to be the center of attention at all times. He clings to me verbally abuses me pushes me away and everything is about him. I just want to RUN away from him. I can't stand the sound of his voice I feel like I'm losing it. I was inches from what felt like a nervous breakdown yesterday and I start my own therapy next week. I was supposed to get a pedicure with a friend today but I texted her that he was in an episode and I didn't want to leave him alone with the pets. She sent her husband over to take him out but he didn't want to go but I left with her and got the pedicure and just told her everything that's been going on (she knew a little bit). Then we met her husband for dinner and he asked me if my h was bipolar and he said he can tell something is wrong. I said no he was diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD as a child but he is undiagnosed borderline PD. He said he has noticed since we've been all hanging out together how my h always has to be the center of attention and talks over everybody. He does do that and it drives me crazy. I think I have to leave and I love my husband but his illness and all his problems are really destroying me. I'm glad to start therapy Wednesday for myself but that feels like forever from now and I'm a nervous wreck and just want my life back.

[once removed]

hey BPDwifelife,

im really sorry to hear youre struggling. its unfortunate that hes choosing to end therapy, its a process that can really dig up a lot of pain, and sometimes it can be too difficult for a person to handle. youre doing a lot to take care of yourself, which is crucial, and im relieved for you that youre starting therapy. it also sounds like you have supportive friends too. also glad to hear youre getting much needed time for yourself this weekend. what are your plans?

[Bpdwifelife]

Thank you once removed. It's not any better today it's worse. He woke up in full on attack mode and I'm a wreck. I want to cry but I feel like if I start I won't stop and seeing me cry makes him meaner. I think he enjoys it. He can be very sadistic in some ways. It's so hard to reconcile the Jekyl and Hyde. When I lost it with him on Tuesday I took responsibility apologized and tried to explain what I was feeling - he didn't hear any of that - just is gleefully using it as an excuse to punish me, to tell me I'm the one with the problem (PROOF!). I am only human and have a limit but I can recognize when I am out of control and recover quickly and take responsibility. It's as if me expressing my anger justifies his viciousness and cruelty. I want to go to the other house but I falsely assumed he would wake up this morning in remorse mode -- NOT - he is really enjoying his rage today - and we are back to where we were a few months ago and I know he is capable of destroying property in this mode or taking it out on our pets. We have 11. It's not like I can take them all with me to the other house. And if even if I did that would make him worse. So I feel stuck. Should I leave because I need a break and am literally shaking inside with anger and grief or should I stay to try to regulate him and make sure my property and pets are safe? When I have left in the past it was under work guise and not during crisis so no problem - wants me home right away but hasn't felt threatened by my absence - even though I have left every other time because I needed space from him.  The last time I left during crisis he was really really bad which prompted him to start therapy in the first place (the next day)  so maybe I should go and take my chances but I am very worried and unsure and not thinking clearly as I am so upset and devastated. I just can't comprehend how someone who claims to love you so much and at times can be so sweet and loving and gentle can turn into a sadistic rage monster with zero compassion. Why do they feed off the hostility so much - it's as if it gives him energy -- something to do. When I become angry and express it in an unhealthy way it zaps me of energy, depletes me and I feel sorrow for the other person and shame at myself. But I realize I am only human and live in a pressure cooker environment that is turbulent chaotic and I have 100% responsibility for keeping the ship sailing. I got angry on Tuesday because he slept all day and we are in the middle of dealing with a tax lien and some other things - like me having to keep and pay for two homes and he wanted to buy something that he knows we can't afford and I said no and he got snarky and I lost it with him because he contributes nothing and is fully able to work but refuses to and then he said "I know you will divorce me but I am just going to milk it as long as I can" and I  became unglued. I work so hard not only to provide financially take care of him take care of myself maintain normalcy as much as possible and he is like an entitled teenage boy with a mean cruel sadistic streak. I know it will pass and he will get over it and then act like nothing happened and want me to think hes fabulous or whatever but the damage gets done. The destruction stays with you. When he started attacking me first thing this morning (which I recorded as I always do when goes off) I asked him what was bothering him and he said "You. You bother me. You're a joke... ." etc. I tried to talk him down but he's enjoying this so much I just went up to my office where I am once again trying to work. He went out to get dog food so the house is quiet but I don't know what will happen when he gets back. I hate that feeling, the anxiety. It's such a beautiful day out today too and I should be gearing up for a nice relaxing weekend but since I live in hell that's not possible for me.His insults are so stupid too, like here is one: "Look at you - you have to spend three hours in the bathroom to look good... .I just roll out of bed and look this good". ? Huh - first of all it takes me about 30 minutes to get ready and he likes me without makeup so I rarely wear it unless we are going out but I do shower every day. He will go 5 or 6 days without one and it's gross. When I came back from my pedicure yesterday he said "finally did something about those ugly feet I guess".  Funny because he was talking to his friend later last night on the phone just saying how great everything was and smart I am and bragging about what I do for a living and then I heard him say"well tonight I am on the outs with my girl but were just bickering - two strong minded people butting heads". I felt some relief after that because I thought it was over then and he even said he loved me last night so I was blindsided this morning and just at my wits end with him. thank you for listening

[Mutt]

Hi Bpdwifelife,

I'm sorry you're going through this .

Sending you lots of these     

I understand that you work from home? Are you self employed? I recall your H acts out during conference calls. Is your work mobile? Can you choose to work in an office and / or work from home?

[Bpdwifelife]

Hi Mutt - Yes, I work from home. I own my own business. I can work from anywhere but my office is at home - printer/scanner/office phone which I forward to my cell but it's hard to get things done without all my "stuff" though not as hard as trying to work from home with him around. It's virtually impossible. And yes, he makes a lot of noise on purpose to distract, derail me.

About the work thing - when I met my h he was working as a subcontractor for a guy who was on drugs and not paying him. They guy was giving him jobs and then disappearing around pay day. He worked for this guy for about 4 months before we met and about 3 weeks after. Foolishly, I suggested he start his own business (since I am a business owner I had experience with this). He was very excited about that but he needed certain tools - expensive tools, which I agreed to finance and he would turn over his checks to me - he was now living with me - typical BPD romance - love and bliss and soulmate stuff - overnight. (more on this later). I did buy the tools for him, plus a truck (used) and got him a website and insurance and business cards. He actually managed to create his own website and did a pretty good job! He also managed to get some good projects and did well with it for a couple of months and he did turn over all the checks to me (though what he earned didn't ever cover the investment I made). However, just as the high season for this type of worked kicked in to high gear, he kicked into low gear. He quit trying to get new business or do anything. We had a trip planned and he was offered a project during the same time as the trip so he turned it down so he could go on the trip. Well then, basically that was his excuse to not work again. We had a wedding coming up, and a honeymoon and then we were moving out of state so he could grow cannabis legally, etc and basically had every excuse under the sun to not work. When I put the offer on the new house I told him that he would have to get a job or start his business again when we moved to the new house - that I could not afford the house without help from him. He agreed. We'll we closed in March and he has made no attempt to get work at all even though it is once again high season for what he does. A friend offered him a temp job last week but the day he was supposed to start it rained - and its outside work so that was the end of that and now that person is painted black too so he doesn't have to work again (whatever the weather). This is what set me off the other day. He agreed to work and now he refuses to. He's home all day being a total jerk and disrupting my work which IS suffering as a result and now his excuse not to work is he is not going to leave the house until I replace the basement door with a steel security door as he thinks someone will break into our property while he is working - even though I am here all day... .Of course the door is not a standard size and has to be custom built and framed and will cost over 2k - which I won't spend (the door we have is fine per our contractor who is doing a renovation for us). So now, he can't work because he can't leave the house until I agree to spend 2k for a door we don't need nor can we afford.  He basically does not want to work does not want to contribute does not want to be helpful or supportive of me and my business (which he was after he quit working last year). Now if I ask him to do anything like run to the post office - it is a HUGE inconvenience to him as it interrupts his You Tube and Tv schedule.

About moving in together right away, I am ashamed of that and knew better. He love bombed me and I was vulnerable. My first husband died suddenly five years before and I took all that time to grieve and did not date at all so I was pretty vulnerable and naive I guess. I had been out of the dating game for over ten years and had just recently started dating when I met him. He charmed me, my friends, my family and just seemed like the happiest most easy going, happy go lucky, free spirit peace loving, hippie type. I was totally bamboozled by him and totally oblivious to all the red flags. When you first meet him you would think he is terrific. He has a lot of charisma. But he's a demon child!

He is now home again and acting as if nothing happened. He just called me "babe" and asked me if I wanted to take the dogs for a walk with him. When I said "ok I'll be down in a second". He said "Great"! All happy like not a care in the world... .

[Mutt]

Hi Bpdwifelife,

I can understand feeling vulnerable after a loved on passes away. I'm sorry. Don't be hard on yourself Bpdwifelife.

It sounds like paranoid delusions and dissociations if he wants to install a 2k steel security door because he thinks someone will break in.

I think that was kind of you to get him get on his feet with work and I am sorry to hear that he won't help with running to the post office and would rather watch YouTube or TV.

That being said, I can understand the inconvenience that your H is putting you through and with having your office printer/scanner/office phone at home.

Hi Mutt - Yes, I work from home. I own my own business. I can work from anywhere but my office is at home - printer/scanner/office phone which I forward to my cell but it's hard to get things done without all my "stuff" though not as hard as trying to work from home with him around. It's virtually impossible. And yes, he makes a lot of noise on purpose to distract, derail me.

How about leaving the home for awhile and work mobile when he's dissociating and dysregulated and his bad cycles and some space for you when your feeling like your losing it?

How does that sound with a break away from home with work to sort things out?

[Bpdwifelife]

I desperately need that now but I am afraid to leave because it's been a bad bad week and if I leave when he knows I am upset he will think I am leaving him for good even if I tell him I am not and then my pets won't be safe or my property and when I say property I mean things like he will smash the sliding glass doors we have four of them. He will break windows. Those are things I would have to replace right away - I can't afford to replace any of that right now. I am making the most money I have ever made in my life and at the end of each month I am overdrawn. I also have more business than I've ever had and cannot keep up with it with all this other stuff going on so I feel like I am about to lose it all.  I have an employee I have to pay full time and I spend about 1k per month for my h's cannabis (his medicine). Plus two homes two cars a renovation to my new home  and I am in some big trouble with the IRS and am out of time to put them off any longer. I had to make two very large payments to them in the last two month plus pay for my tax attorney. I can't afford to replace a window or a door and I certainly can't afford a divorce attorney - not today. He broke his smartphone this afternoon- the one I just replaced after the BPD rage that resulted in him starting therapy in April when he broke the last one. I've been through 4 of them with him in the last year. Plus twice he broke mine, so that makes six and if I replace his phone this time that will be 7. Smartphones are expensive. I am not replacing his this time. I don't know if he actually broke it or just took it apart to make it look like it was broken but I got the message - time to ramp up the threats of destruction.