Welcome Newbies, Lurkers & Returnees

[Rapt Reader]

Hello there  

We're so glad you found your way to the Parenting Board! If you haven't posted on this Board yet, and would like to dip your toe into the water, please tell us a little bit about yourself here, or just say "Hi!"  If you've already posted, please jump in here anyway... .We'd love to hear from you all so the veteran members can reply here too, and say "Hi!" back  

Are you having questions about how to post and find your way around this site? Here's something to help you: How do I navigate this site?

Even if you aren't ready to post your own thread just yet, we'd love to learn the reasons you are here: Will you tell us more about yourself?

If you are overwhelmed by the concerns and tricky situations that you and others here are going through, I'd like to invite you to check out this thread, where you can read some "success stories" and positive outcomes, and post your own: Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs

I'm on this site because my son (now 37) was diagnosed with BPD early last year, while admitted to a 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program after an intense suicidal ideation and multi-year opiate addiction. When he completed that Program, the discharge paperwork had the web address to this site, and the Social Worker there suggested I check it out. And the rest is history    To date, my son is more than 17 months clean and sober, and the happiest and healthiest he's been since he was a kid. There are still some hurdles he's tackling, but the information here and the advice and insights from the other parents on this site have made his recovery so much easier.

We're all here for the same reason: We love our kids, and want to make their lives--and ours!--better. We look forward to hearing from you, so we can all work together to make that a reality for every one of us... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PaulaJeanne]

I'm a returnee, although I haven't been gone that long. My BPDD, 21, recently started a real DBT program- group once a week, individual once a week, family/significant other monthly. It's an hour & 1/2 drive away, but she seems to be making the commitment. I'm so grateful she has someone who is qualified to talk to.

She had a melt-down last night--she uncovered a bug infestation in her apartment, which is in the basement of my house! I went down & sprayed (and we've called an exterminator to come today) She completely freaked out and left the house, sent me 100 texts about how this is her worst nightmare. I finally turned my phone off because I have to get up at 5:30 am for work.

When I turned on my phone this morning, I see she was texting a group-me, her BF, & her dad. BF was working late shift, dad was asleep. Her sister who lives a few towns away was asleep also. DD felt totally abandoned & the texts just continued to pour in-a total stream of conciousness that turned into rants about slights & subjects that have nothing to do with bugs (but are serious, unresolved family issues).

I called her at work today to tell her about the exterminator, and asked her if I could buy her a drink or a cup of coffee after work. Will re-read some Valerie Porr on the train ride home.  BTW, if she didn't leave food & dirty dishes all over--but I don't think I should bring that up.

[Rapt Reader]

Welcome back 

My BPDD, 21, recently started a real DBT program- group once a week, individual once a week, family/significant other monthly. It's an hour & 1/2 drive away, but she seems to be making the commitment. I'm so grateful she has someone who is qualified to talk to.

That sounds really promising... .Accepting she has a problem and being willing to get help for it is a really big hurdle to jump. I think it's great!

I called her at work today to tell her about the exterminator, and asked her if I could buy her a drink or a cup of coffee after work. Will re-read some Valerie Porr on the train ride home.  BTW, if she didn't leave food & dirty dishes all over--but I don't think I should bring that up.

These are all very good ideas 

I'm happy you gave us an update, and hope that things get better for your family as your daughter goes to her treatments. Please keep us in the loop!

[HealingSpirit]

Hi PaulaJeanne!

Welcome back. I think I must have joined the board in your absence, so I'm very glad you've come back.  That's wonderful that your DD is committed to her DBT program!  I must admit, I'm envious.  I have researched and we don't have any programs anywhere within driving distance from where we live.  (So. Cal has terrible resources for mental health issues.) 

I'm sorry your DD went into a rage last night.  That is so frustrating, because you never know what will be the next trigger.  My DD sometimes rages at home about things that happened between her and her friends.  And she also feels "abandoned" when I have to put a limit on my listening.  For me, this is one of the most frustrating and challenging parts of the disorder.

I called her at work today to tell her about the exterminator, and asked her if I could buy her a drink or a cup of coffee after work. Will re-read some Valerie Porr on the train ride home.  BTW, if she didn't leave food & dirty dishes all over--but I don't think I should bring that up.

What a sweet mom you are!  Your DD sounds like she keeps her place just like my DD17 does.  I call my DD's room the toxic waste dump.

I'm grateful we don't have ants, fruit flies, or bugs in her room yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.  But I'm with you!  If we say anything, we'll have another rage on our hands.  So frustrating!

Let us know how it goes tonight after you meet for drinks. What a great idea!

[lever.]

Its good to see so many new names on the board recently (although I'm sorry about the situations that brought you all here). I can remember how desperate I felt when I posted for the first time.

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you-we are all trying to help each other here and its great to have as many perspectives as possible.

[PaulaJeanne]

Hi all, She's alright now because we hired the exterminator that she recommended. Still have a bug problem, so he has to come back Monday. Best thing we did was hire HER recommendation. She hasn't gone crazy over the bugs, but believe me, if we used anyone else & there was a single bug found in the house afterward, she'd be raging at us. 

I did talk to her & she just blew me off. The reason she told me that brought up our serious family issues that have nothing to do with bugs is because she was mad that her dad wasn't rushing to hire her exterminator. She has an issue with us in general, but him in particular, not dropping everything immediately to handle her latest crisis. If she only knew how much juggling I've done over the years to deal with her crises! Like the day my father had a heart attack & then some stranger called me to tell me my daughter was passed out on a park bench.

She's been great about the DBT therapy tho. Wednesday we had TERRIBLE rainstorms here in Long Island and most of the highways were flooded. She had her individual session & she tried to get there - it's an hour and 1/2 drive on a good day. She had to turn around, but she called them & was able to reschedule her session. The complexity of handling that is something she could not have done a few weeks ago, so I think it's really helping.

I wish these programs were more commonplace-we should have done this YEARS ago.

[ElaineC]

PaulaJeanne-My 33DS lived away from home for several years and recently returned home. It was very rocky the first few weeks. I am now on anxiety medication myself. He was having a few good weeks until we mentioned to him today that it is time to wash bedsheets and for him to clean his bathroom. It stinks in that area of our home. He doesn't seem to notice.  He will go a few days without showering or changing his clothing. Thinks that if he does not leave the house that day that his clothes are "not that dirty".  We ended up with him getting into a tizzy over it. I did not waiver. I told him in a non judgmental way that it is my home and these are the guidelines he has to follow in order for him to be here. He stated that he had no where else to go. I then repeated myself and told him with a calm tone that these were the guidelines for him to be able to stay here. He went off to his room to calm down and I went out grocery shopping. I have a white dry erase board that I wrote on with a list for him of things to do-including the aforementioned. It will get done. Im not debating this with him. I don't want him feeling invalidated. He told me I was nitpicking and I just agreed that "yes, maybe I am, but it is still my home and these are my rules and guidelines".  I texted him a few minutes later and stated that "we don't hold grudges and don't stay angry with each other and neither should you".  I feel for you and hope that it gets better with your daughter.

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for chiming in, ElaineC 

As a Newbie yourself, I'd like to welcome you and I'm so glad that you've jumped in to tell us some more about yourself... .

My BPD son (37) lives at home, and we used to have that same fight as you, and I can certainly commiserate! Once I learned how to use the TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth, it did make those conflicts lessen quite a lot. He's still not as neat as I'd like (well, he's actually not neat at all!), but his room and bathroom are at least perfect for a couple of days, and before they get too bad, he cleans them again. I don't ask him to "clean" them anymore; I use the word "organize" instead. For some reason it's less of a trigger for him... .go figure   

I'm so glad you are here with us, ElaineC 

[Rapt Reader]

I've noticed some new names on the Parenting Board lately, and I would like to again invite you (plus all of you Lurkers and Returnees   ) to say "Hi!" on this thread so we can welcome you properly.

Our family here is happy to meet you all 

[PaulaJeanne]

Thank you ElaineC for your kind words. I'm still struggling with the cleanliness issues & I guess as gross as this is, things could be a lot worse.

Truth is things had been so bad at one time, now i'm just thrilled she's still alive, plus working, plus going to therapy twice a week. She leaves her dirty dishes around... .I hate it but she's alive and safe.

That's just how I feel at this point.