Called suicide bluff. Now being rages at-will it ever end?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Last night, uBPDh's daughter made him mad. She can't do anything right, either... . Anyway, she didn't end up coming for her visit, but his S10 did. He gets home with him, asks me a question and raged at me when I didn't answer it as he thought I should. I backed off. He texted that I needed to be a wife for once and I had 3 minutes to change my attitude and put him first. I did because I didn't feel like fighting, though my feelings were hurt.

Earlier in the day, he went to work, so I wanted to run errands on my day off to get them out of the way. Any time I need to do this, he derails it somehow with his "needs". I think he does it on purpose. He asked me to stop by his job site so I did expecting it to be only a few minutes. He kept me there over an hour while I needed to run mainly to lowes, I'd have to put everything else off AGAIN. He promised he would just go with me.

We go home and I'm waiting and waiting to go and he's taking his sweet time getting ready and then it's time for him to pick his son up. I picked my daughter up from her dads at the same time. He gets home and and snaps at me as mentioned above. Some time goes on and he says he just wants to sit on the couch and stay home. I said "I need to go to lowes" he flips out. Loses it. I'm the worst person and he can't take anymore ( he has his crew calling him for money he owes them for work, but he spending it so can't pay them then gets mad they are bugging him.)

He rages most the evening saying horrible things and I'm trying to ignore. He got physical and grabbed me twice and pulled me down hard once, I've never seen him so unhinged.

He starts talking about killing himself and gives his S10 his jewelry and says to tell him he had an accident... . is crying and I've never seen him like this. I call his ex because she had texted me and forwarded a text from him that he sent her the day before about killing himself and she was worried, too. She said to watch him and don't go to sleep. I said ok and I'd call her if I needed backup for loving him up. She said ok. She called his mom who has been worried about him too and his mom went and called his brother and they all came over and they tried to help but didn't. He went so crazy we all were scared. We got him talked down and his ex stayed awhile to help and things were ok. They all left and the kids were taken elsewhere and he raged at me for another hour then said he may or may not have taken pills to commit suicide and he guessed I'd have to stay up all night to check on him to be sure. I did stay up till about 330 and then I knew he was out cold and hasn't overdosed or it would have kicked in by that time.

Today he's raged all morning and half the afternoon. He broke his phone throwing it last night and he blames me for that, too. He said I never should have called anyone and left what goes on in this house, in this house. He said he didn't care that I was scared he was serious just that he had said I was never to call anyone. He doesn't take any responsibility for unneccesary raging, his actions that worried me enough to call, etc.

Anyone been through this? Will it just be a long solid rage forever now or will he eventually get out of this one? I'm tired of being belittled all the time and raged at. Especially when I haven't done anything wrong. He keeps saying all I want is his money, but he's never paid a damn bill the whole time we've bed together and taken money from me twice without telling me. I can't even make my house payment on tues. I just got paid Friday.

[wishfulthinking]

Last night, uBPDh's daughter made him mad. She can't do anything right, either... . Anyway, she didn't end up coming for her visit, but his S10 did. He gets home with him, asks me a question and raged at me when I didn't answer it as he thought I should. I backed off. He texted that I needed to be a wife for once and I had 3 minutes to change my attitude and put him first. I did because I didn't feel like fighting, though my feelings were hurt.

Earlier in the day, he went to work, so I wanted to run errands on my day off to get them out of the way. Any time I need to do this, he derails it somehow with his "needs". I think he does it on purpose. He asked me to stop by his job site so I did expecting it to be only a few minutes. He kept me there over an hour while I needed to run mainly to lowes, I'd have to put everything else off AGAIN. He promised he would just go with me.

We go home and I'm waiting and waiting to go and he's taking his sweet time getting ready and then it's time for him to pick his son up. I picked my daughter up from her dads at the same time. He gets home and and snaps at me as mentioned above. Some time goes on and he says he just wants to sit on the couch and stay home. I said "I need to go to lowes" he flips out. Loses it. I'm the worst person and he can't take anymore ( he has his crew calling him for money he owes them for work, but he spending it so can't pay them then gets mad they are bugging him.)

He rages most the evening saying horrible things and I'm trying to ignore. He got physical and grabbed me twice and pulled me down hard once, I've never seen him so unhinged.

He starts talking about killing himself and gives his S10 his jewelry and says to tell him he had an accident... . is crying and I've never seen him like this. I call his ex because she had texted me and forwarded a text from him that he sent her the day before about killing himself and she was worried, too. She said to watch him and don't go to sleep. I said ok and I'd call her if I needed backup for loving him up. She said ok. She called his mom who has been worried about him too and his mom went and called his brother and they all came over and they tried to help but didn't. He went so crazy we all were scared. We got him talked down and his ex stayed awhile to help and things were ok. They all left and the kids were taken elsewhere and he raged at me for another hour then said he may or may not have taken pills to commit suicide and he guessed I'd have to stay up all night to check on him to be sure. I did stay up till about 330 and then I knew he was out cold and hasn't overdosed or it would have kicked in by that time.

Today he's raged all morning and half the afternoon. He broke his phone throwing it last night and he blames me for that, too. He said I never should have called anyone and left what goes on in this house, in this house. He said he didn't care that I was scared he was serious just that he had said I was never to call anyone. He doesn't take any responsibility for unneccesary raging, his actions that worried me enough to call, etc.

Anyone been through this? Will it just be a long solid rage forever now or will he eventually get out of this one? I'm tired of being belittled all the time and raged at. Especially when I haven't done anything wrong. He keeps saying all I want is his money, but he's never paid a damn bill the whole time we've bed together and taken money from me twice without telling me. I can't even make my house payment on tues. I just got paid Friday.

[SweetCharlotte]

Wow, that sounds pretty serious. He may need to be hospitalized.

My uBPDh's brother, who had a definite PD himself (probably Anti-Social) committed suicide by pill overdose ten months ago. He had financial problems like your H. That is a HUGE trigger for suicide in middle-aged guys. However, he also had a couple of serious and life-threatening illnesses that pushed him over the brink, which your H doesn't seem to have.

Suicidal ideation is to be taken seriously, and a suicide plan more so. In this case he was between a plan and an attempt. Is he getting treatment? Because if his clinician heard your story, I'm sure s/he would insist on hospitalizing him.

Raging at you physically is serious too. He hasn't crossed the boundary of causing you harm, but he is definitely trying to scare you.

[Taolady]

Dear Lost- OMGosh, how scarey! And what conflicting emotions that event must have caused- worry, fear, panic, even weariness and resignation.  I'd like to give you another scenario to think about, though. If he had actually taken those pills, waiting and watching might have caused a lost opportunity to save him. I wouldn't like to have the huge responsibility of watching over someone who might have taken an overdose- or explain to an emergency crew why I didn't call earlier to get him help. Perhaps, if he does this again, you might consider calling 911. It might be a "false" emergency if it turns out he didn't take the pills, but at least it will get him into the system so he can get some help. And, please, stay safe. You need to have a plan for where to go if he gets more physical with you.

I know this response may sound a little too cut and dry and not supportive, but I was horrified for you when I read your post. Good luck.

[HoldingAHurricane]

My husband has suicidal episodes from time to time, a lot lately. I've said I will always respond to his suicidal threats with concern. My thinking is that if they aren't serious, it is between him and the mental health team and the police.

He has needs at those moments that are too much for one person to cope with. I don't assess risk, I don't talk it over and investigate but I do offer to help my husband call the 24hr emergence response mental health team, take him to the hospital, or call the police or call myself. The police have come to the house a few times lately and spoken to him. Having said that, when he is "on the crazy train" (his words, not mine) he normally runs off and hides from the police. Nevertheless, this is always my response.

As for the rages, I have an app on my phone that allows me to block him and does not allow him to leave voice messages. It saves all the "text rage" so I can look at it later if I want. I told him that is what I do when he was well regulated.   

Consider what boundaries you can rely on to protect yourself from the potential harm to you and be consistent about enforcing them for your own well-being. 

take care

[Surnia]

lostinparadise

again so sorry! What you have to go through is horrible. 

He got physical again. He is threatening suicide.

Will it just be a long solid rage forever now or will he eventually get out of this one?

I don't think that he can made a turn without any help from a professional which is a dream.

You can change things. You need any help you can get.

About being physical: Call a DV helpcenter.

Were can you go, when he is raging for hours?

Perhaps you can talk with his ex again, all these things are horrible for the children too.

I know it is hard: Please don't assume it will get better by itself!

[GreenMango]

You can change things.

You need any help you can get.

About being physical: Call a DV helpcenter.

Were can you go, when he is raging for hours?

Good question Lost.

What would you like to do?

[wishfulthinking]

Well, my neck and jaw and hip hurt today... . I won't show him, though. I was kind of hoping he would pack up and leave on his own. Not looking likely. He was nice this morning. I honestly don't know how to act or what to say. He will never see that my calling his bluff was due to HIS actions. He only sees that outsiders got involved and now he's been "humiliated". I'm going to try to talk to the bishop who married us and see if he'd be willing to step in and try to guide uBPDh to some therapy, but I don't think uBPDh will ever go for it. He believes he is smarter than all of them.

He says he shouldn't say the hateful things when he is mad but won't own up to his physical actions being in his control. Those are my fault, too. Apparently the wall and door made him mad because they have holes? I hope they've learned their lesson. Sorry, bad time for black humor, huh? It's my coping mechanism.

He's mad because my

[Suzn]

He only sees that outsiders got involved and now he's been "humiliated". I'm going to try to talk to the bishop who married us and see if he'd be willing to step in and try to guide uBPDh to some therapy, but I don't think uBPDh will ever go for it. 

I'm so sorry this happened Lost.   This is a step in the right direction talking with your bishop. Keeping these actions and behaviors secret is a bad idea. You are not a professional and shouldn't be expected to handle this all on your own. Kuddos to you for reaching out! It's ok if he doesn't go for it, YOU go for it.

You can validate his feeling "humiliated", empathize with it and explain the truth... . that you are in over your head, you are not a professional and you will be getting help from professionals for yourself to help you cope with this situation. This is taking care of you, you are equally important, not to mention the children involved. He's not going to like it however he has to be the one to cope with his own behaviors, you can't cope for him.

Contacting a DV counselor is in your best interest so that you can educate yourself more on the issues of your and your children's safety. 

[pallavirajsinghani]

In my personal opinion, such episodes are akin to a cry for help and we respond to it inadequately.  I believe that mental disorders benefit greatly from being handled by professionals who are trained to do so. There are strong chances that by getting professionals involved (the police, the mandatory 24 hour mental health observation stay in a hospital, mandatory counseling ordered by the court etc.) are what is needed to begin recovery.

In our own family, "handling" things within the family only allowed us to live from crisis to crises and has only made things worse... . and actually did lead to two suicides.

Please understand that your fear and reluctance to involve the "authorities" somehow seems being disloyal to him.  It is also embarrassing to say the least.  I am from Southeast Asia, and we are just crushed under filial and social pressures, so much so, that we are unwilling in our culture to even recognize the existence of mental disorders.  So, I do empathize very strongly with your dilemmas.

I am so proud of you in that you got other family members involved and at least did not try to handle it all by yourself.

I would encourage you to post a separate thread asking the question as to how others have and still do respond to suicide threats.  It may help you determine what strategy will be the most effective in your situation.

And yes, I do agree with my fellow poster... . you do need to call the DV hotline and get tips for your safety.  (p.s.  I am a DV survivor.)

Please feel free to PM any one... . we all are here for you.

God bless.

[Surnia]

Hi lostinparadise 

How are you doing today?

[wishfulthinking]

Surnia,

Thank you for thinking of me.  Things have actually been a bit better for a couple days now.  He likes to try to vaguely blame me for the chaos of that night.  I have grown tired of the blame, so I have either responded by saying.  I take responsibility for MY part of it... . he knows what I mean by that, or just ignoring him.  Both seem to be working.  We drove 6 hours last night to pick up his dad for the week, his dad has cataracts and can't drive.  I dreaded the trip but it ended up OK, actually.  He's been allowing me to joke around a bit like I used to.  Even made a comment about this is how I used to be... . yeah, before you started screaming at me for every move I make.

He is behind on work today, so he is starting to stress.  I can feel it under the surface coming up.  Thing is, he mentioned getting paid from a job and that should help our bills and I went to tell him what we needed before my next paycheck and he scolded me for it. Saying it will be taken care of and not to worry and how his day is so stressful and bad and he can't take it... . You know what I can't take?  The fact that I'm -$644 on bills before the end of next week.  The fact that whatever he gets it won't be enough... . The fact that I'm going to disconnect the satellite and internet, which is an equal punishment to me and the kids because he is irresponsible.  The fact that if I even try to bring up how short we are, he snaps at me.  Sorry, buddy... . I pay MY bills.  Your truck has a repo order for a reason... . my car doesn't, nor will it ever.  My credit is not shot like yours and it won't be. 

We have NO, and I mean NO food.  NONE.  AT.  ALL. 

Sorry, had to vent a little.

[Suzn]

Hey Lost, so glad to hear from you. We have all been very concerned about you.

Have you considered talking with a DV counselor? How are you and your children making it with no food? What is his dad's reaction to coming to visit and there being no food?

Very concerned about you all.

[wishfulthinking]

Haven't talked to anyone DV-wise. Not sure how to as he has such a tight leash anymore. Trying to plan a birthday party when he's on my every move and with no money is taking my time the past few days. I'm trying to find a counselor who does phone sessions.

Tonight I had a half pound if hamburger and 2 boxes hamburger helper I made with corn for 5 people. There is nothing else left. I had to borrow $10 from his mom (she borrowed $60 from me a while ago, so she said take it off of that, I had forgotten about it). She is strapped, too. I was running her and the father to grandparent's night at his S10's school and praying not to run out of gas when she saw the light come on and asked if we should stop to get gas. I said I have no money for gas... .

His dad will be here at home all day tomorrow with no food. Don't know what uBPDh will say... . his dad is a lot like him and honestly I think his dad was his childhood BPD trigger. Used to be violent, still puts him down, etc.

[Suzn]

Sending you a pm with several numbers.

[Surnia]

Lostinparadise

good to hear you again  - having no food at all is very bad.

You told in one of your posts that you will talk to the bishop, could you do this?

Please reach out for help, for you and your kids.

Its not a shame to do so, its not a shame call a DV helpdesk, they are here for situations like yours.

[wishfulthinking]

Yes, I can talk to Bishop.  He has been in Dallas this week for a conference and got back the evening before yesterday.  I am going to try to grab him this weekend.  I honestly am becoming numb.  He keeps saying he's getting money, getting money, so I asked today because I have all those bills coming through on Monday... . he raged at me this morning.  It was fun (sarcasm).  His dad in the next room.  I'm sure he'll tell his dad a dandy story about how much he helps and it's all my fault because I'm a money hungry b!tch.  I just want my bills paid and to be able to feed my daughter.  Right now, I'm not even giving a care if him and his kids eat.  I'll leave that on him.  I guess I'm going to have to close the account I've had open since 98 because he has access.  I don't know where he put the checks he's been signing on, so I can't stop him and the bank flat refuses without a police report.

He rages about my timing, but I've been trying to talk to him about bills all week and he gets mad, today is the final day I have to either pawn/sell something or get a payday loan (which I've not needed since my ex-husband 5 years ago, who I now suspect was the silent treatment BPD).  I'm not sure what to do anymore.

Thank you all for your help.  More than you can ever imagine, I thank you.

[Suzn]

Closing that account sounds like you taking care of you. Good for you. This is what adults do to protect themselves and their children. As hard as it is to do, try not to be too concerned about stories he may tell his dad, those are really irrelevant at this point and have no bearing on your finances.