Is No Contact Advised When Back in Black?

[WisdomSeeker]

Ex live-in BPD gf of six years had an affair so I left. I left a note and said nothing negative except I knew of the affair. Four weeks later she wanted to talk and I refused. Another month passed and then she needed some prior year tax information from me. I complied. Then she offered to let me see the dogs and I took the opportunity. Then she went out of town to visit family and asked if I would watch the dogs for a weekend. I did it. Then she took me out to dinner to thank me for watching her dogs and gave me some gift cards. Then she told me it was great seeing me. In summary, it was an obvious recycle attempt that I was welcoming. But then I sent an innocuous email to her sister's best friend on an internet dating site. I said "How's it going?". Her sister's friend told her sister who told her. She then made a big deal that her sister and her sister's friend now that I was a creep. I explained that I wasn't sure if it was her sister's friend or not and that is why I sent a very innocuous email. She said that she wasn't going to defend me and that I wasn't her problem any more. Since then her frequency of texting me has dropped considerably. She texted me once to watch her dogs, which I did. Then on Monday, she wished me a belated Happy Father's Day because I have a cat and I had wished her a Happy Mother's Day with a card as she owns 3 dogs that I love.

I have been considering having a talk with her as she had suggested 4 months prior. Some people say I need to take a risk and try to resolve some of our issues, which we never talked about as I left without a goodbye. But it seems pretty apparent that I have been put back in the black. So, my question is, if I am still interested in trying to work things, is no contact recommended. Will trying to have a conversation with her push her farther away? I understand that human nature is for people to want what they can't have and not want what is too available. Why is no contact the recommended approach with BPDs? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

[mitti]

Hi WisdomSeeker,

I don't know about your x of course but usually a pwBPD will leave you because of fear of engulfment and the panic this causes and to then chase after them is only going to increase that panicky feeling they have. When we back off, that gives them time to shift back into missing you and needing closeness again. I can't speak for everybody and perhaps it depends on the r/s you had but at least with my now ex-uBPDbf, he always started missing me if I stopped chasing after him, although in his case, I could never leave completely because he then felt I had abandoned him completely and he would punish me for doing that by staying away even longer. But he is extremely avoidant and not very needy.

Is this the first time you have broken up/are on a break? Otherwise look at patterns in your r/s. Doing that helped me immensely to understand the dynamics of my r/s with my ex, what triggers he had, his reactions to my behavior and so on.

[WisdomSeeker]

Hi Mitti. Thanks for responding. We broke up twice in the first 2 years of the relationship. She was verbally abusive, so I ended the relationship both times. I went no contact and she eventually needed help on both occasions and we got back together. But we weren't living together. This the first break after living together for 3 years where we were a family unit.

After this breakup, she used the dogs to get back communicating with me, which was very transparent and I allowed it. But now, she knows she can use me to watch her dogs and get the comfort feeling that she can have me if she wants me. So now the abandonment issue isn't as prevalent for her. I haven't given up my power, but I don't want to stop seeing the dogs or her. But I cannot heal as I never got over her because I knew she would try to come back like she was doing. Unfortunately, the internet issue blew up everything.

[woodsposse]

 

Wait.  The internet issue blew up everything - but her being verbally abusive and having an affair didn't?  I ask this bluntly because it is what I think you need to focus on... . mostly - you.

I wouldn't begin to suggest staying or leaving or getting back together or running away... . that is a choice you need to make and whatever you choose to do is alright.  Especially if it something that you want to do.

But, I think it is really important to focus on what you want and what is really real.

Yes you can look at your pattern of how your r/s has played itself out - and, yes, that same cycle dynamic will probably play itself out over and over again until someone gets tired of it and decides to stop it.  Again, if that is something you want to do - then you should at least know exactly what you are dealing with.

If you feel she has a PD (or BPD to be exact) - then there are tools and information (links to the right) which you could utilize to maybe help navigate the relationship waters.  NC, in my opinion, isn't a tool to use to "make them miss you".  It is more of a  tool you can use for yourself so you have time to heal and get things in your head calmed down and a little more straightened out.

Is a by-product of NC making your SO feel your presences less?  Sure it is.  But if the motivation for going NC is to do that... . then that is manipulation (and I'm sure you don't like to be manipulated... . no one really does).

Whatever you decide it has to be because that is something you want.

[WisdomSeeker]

Thanks for your comments Woodsposse. Yeah, you are right. No comparison between having an affair when in a relationship and sending an innocuous email to her sister's friend when I am single.

Having no contact to maximize my chances of reconciling with my ex is not a form of manipulation. It is maximizing my chances and using my gut instincts based on prior experience and knowledge of human behavior. It's similar to taking a test when you aren't prepared. It doesn't make sense to take the test until the timing is right. No sense in setting yourself up for failure. Besides, I can argue that her getting back together with me is in her best interests. Her nephew told me that she invariably drives everyone away sooner than later. Her mom is lonely in her 70s, and she'll probably end up with the same fate. I know I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. I am just waiting for the best opportune time to talk to her. Ideally, whenl I am not painted as black as I am now. When I say no contact, I mean I will not initiate contact, but I will still respond to her contact. Thanks for your comments.

[woodsposse]

Having no contact to maximize my chances of reconciling with my ex is not a form of manipulation. It is maximizing my chances and using my gut instincts based on prior experience and knowledge of human behavior.

I can totally understand the perspective you are coming from.  And awhile ago I shared in that line of thinking. It took me a very long time (and more than a few years in therapy) to understand that how you describe it... . actually is a form of manipulation.

I had a gf once... . actually my first gf... . back when I was 17.  I had eventually wanted to break up with her and when I went to go do that... . she cried and did some hysteric stuff and called me saying she was going to kill herself, had taken a lot of pills.  I freaked, called the cops/ambulance, borrowed the family car and ran over to her house to make sure she was fine.

Manipulation.

She got me to stay in the r/s with her (sort of)... . I eventually broke it off with her (and she claimed to be pregnant with my child).

Manipulation.

Years later, and after a whole lot of emotional turmoil, got the kid DNA tested... . wasn't mine.

Manipulation.

I'm saying all this to say - if you want to be in a r/s with someone you have to prep to miss you in order to want to be in that r/s with you - it is one sided... . and using NC to prime the pump is manipulation.  Maybe not as drastic as I described in my situation - but it is manipulation none the less.

My hope for you is that you would be in a r/s with a person you can talk to... . not have to wait for them to unpaint you black... . and then wait for a shoe to drop and they paint you black again.

Of course, the underbelly of all this is - you can be in a r/s with someone who lies and cheats on you and then gets mad when you send a simple email to someone... . when you are single?  Again, I say the choice is yours - but if you are going to choose to be in this type of r/s, you should know what it is that is happening - and know what to expect (from both her and yourself).

Your happiness starts and ends with you.  It always has and it always will.

[mitti]

I don't know that I would want to go so far as to call it manipulation because of the very negative connotations, but of course you are wanting to adopt a strategy with which you may affect her. We do it all the time, everyday when we interact with people, all interaction is a form of “manipulation” as in we want or hope that our environment will respond to us in a certain way. It's just that with the vast majority of people we are always given a response that is more or less acceptable. But with pwBPD the rules of interaction and communication - that you give some sort of response to somebody who wants to communicate something to you – have been eliminated. So it's only natural to look for another way to get a response.

But I agree that your main focus ought to be yourself, get your priorities and your evaluation system right. Our BPD-SOs punish us severely for the tiniest slip ups by raging or silent treatment whereas we end up accepting their disordered and out-of-proportion behaviour. It's a form of brainwashing and if we don't take care of ourselves first, and part of that is seeing these r/s for what they really are, often extremely abusive and damaging to a person's self-esteem and self-worth, it will never benefit either them or us. And you have to ask yourself if it is worth it to you. You need to know that it will possibly, or probably even, never be a “normal” r/s and the best that you can do for your r/s either way is to take care of you.

During my 4-year-long r/s with my uBPDxbf there were several breaks and periods of silent treatment and I would, after I had been sufficiently shocked at how far he could take it i.e. conditioned me to grovel for him, until I started taking care of myself first, only be concerned with a way to get through to him, to get him to interact with me because I needed for that pain to stop. And that will never work, first because they will up it each time and it will happen again so long as the r/s is so one-sided, and two because it is so detrimental to you and them and the r/s.

My x would break silent treatment when he thought he was losing me for real and contacting me would not  trigger too much shame for him. To back off and sit and wait for them to call you won't really work because we haven't really given them that space if we just sit and wait. We are just silent but otherwise around as much as before. They sense that, just like I am sure we would sense that if roles were reversed.

And plus, they are much more likely to want you back if they see you as that person you were when they first met you. I asked my x once why he would reach out to me when I had given up contacting him and sometimes it was jealousy and sometimes he said it was because I didn't care and I didn't seem affected by his tantrums.

[WisdomSeeker]

Thank you all for your experiences and words of wisdom. I appreciate it.