What is he trying to do?

[aviator7]

Was with BPD for 5 years, had another huge breakup/fight. We both filed restraining orders, However; recently I had to drop the order as a bartyr so he would drop his (as it was affecting my career and showing on my background). He has already met someone and into a whirlwind romance within 2 weeks of their meeting and parading her around almost as if he is trying to elicit a response. The irony is that I am embarrassed for him. I feel that my ego is more damaged than my feelings. I NEVER initiate any contact, but now, I WOULD like to hear from him so I can very kindly let him know my thoughts.

1. We had to see each other at court and I was very pleasant to all (as always), however; avoided contact with him. The fact that he saw me there and sees me around town, will these encounters get him to try and contact me? Or paint me even more black?

2. Now that the restraining order is dropped, will he try to contact me or not because he is in a "relationship"?

3. If I am with someone new, would that cause a negative or positive response?

Thank you for your help!

[foiles]

Aviator,

It's normal to question "what will the (person with BPD) do if... ." because we are constantly trying to figure it out- you know, walking on eggshells. And past behavior is often a good indicator of future behavior. But everyone is different, and it's difficult to determine how a particular person will react under new circumstances. My exBPDbf would return, return, return... .Until he crossed the line with my son. At that point I said "I can't have a relationship with someone with your anger issues. I won't talk to you." I never contacted him again, blocked him from everything, didn't contact any of his acquaintances, left the rest of his stuff on his friend's front porch, forgot about any of my stuff he had of mine and the money he owed me, never went anywhere that I thought I might run into him, and did nothing to indicate I was interested in him at all. NC completely. I think he knew he had crossed the line, finally.

I still thought he would contact me again like so many times, but he didn't. Its been over 5 years. So you never know. But if I had opened that door a crack, like I had previous times, who knows. The longer you are out of contact, the less chance that he will try to contact. At first it's really difficult. You're used to the push pull, the uncertainty. The PTSD keeps you stressed. But therapy and continued work on myself have helped tremendously to decrease that. My exBPDbf was a control freak and I believe once it  was absolutely clear he couldn't control me and I would not contact him, he finally moved on.

Even though there are commonalities with BPD, each is an individual and can't be perfectly pigeon-holed.

The best thing for me, was to work on my emotions and my behavior. It's the only thing I could control.

Take care.

Foiles

[Lucky Jim]

Hi aviator (are you really a pilot?), I think the desire to contact one's BPDex in order to share one's thoughts or "set the record straight" is fairly common, yet to me it is usually coupled with a need for the BPDex to acknowledge his/her responsibility for the breakup, which is something that I find unlikely if not near impossible.  Waiting for that to happen is a thankless vigil.  The better course, in my mind, is to move on with one's life.  Do you really want to re-engage with the person who filed for a restraining order against you?  Do you miss the drama?  Think about the questions you posed.  To me, the answer to each is that it makes no difference if you are moving on with your life, but I'm not in your shoes and may be looking at it from the perspective of someone who wants nothing to do with a pwBPD.  Sad to say, I was married to one for 16 years.

Lucky Jim

[Century2012]

Laughing not so out loud about the restraining order.

The family of my exBPD had my back in the break up. They would contact me to apologize for him and make sure I was okay. So he called me yelling to leave his family alone or he would get a restraining order. Never mind that his jealous rebound girl had been sending me cruel texts. I laughed. I asked him if he had lost his mind and told him to leave me alone. Blocked his phone number.