For people who dated someone with less severe BPD problems

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Occasionally I feel out of place on this forum, because my ex never did anything criminal, such as assaulting me or stealing my stuff. The worst he did was say vicious things, have unpredictable and frightening mood swings over minor things, and give me the silent treatment when I did something he perceived to be wrong (i.e. disappearing in the middle of an IM conversation right after telling me he was planning to commit suicide and ignoring all my attempts at contact for the next two days, making me terrified he'd hurt himself - this was punishment because I hadn't comforted him in the way he wanted). It was horrible and it messed me up, but when I read about some people's experiences on here, I think I must be such a weak person to let myself get flattened by that when other people went through so much worse. Sometimes it even makes me wonder if my ex had this disorder at all or if I'm just imagining things.   Does anyone else here feel like that?

[balletomane]

Occasionally I feel out of place on this forum, because my ex never did anything criminal, such as assaulting me or stealing my stuff. The worst he did was say vicious things, have unpredictable and frightening mood swings over minor things, and give me the silent treatment when I did something he perceived to be wrong (i.e. disappearing in the middle of an IM conversation right after telling me he was planning to commit suicide and ignoring all my attempts at contact for the next two days, making me terrified he'd hurt himself - this was punishment because I hadn't comforted him in the way he wanted). It was horrible and it messed me up, but when I read about some people's experiences on here, I think I must be such a weak person to let myself get flattened by that when other people went through so much worse. Sometimes it even makes me wonder if my ex had this disorder at all or if I'm just imagining things.   Does anyone else here feel like that?

[FannyB]

Hi balletomane

BPD is a disorder that's on a continuum so the behaviors of our respective partners can vary considerably. By way of an analogy, think of an earthquake - it can be minor or utterly devastating, but it's still a bloody earthquake! 

Like you my borderline wasn't a rager, was not physically abusive and didn't make up stories about me. But her behavior was still confusing and stressful enough to lead me to these boards and conclude she does indeed have BPD.

Fanny

[klacey3]

Hi balltomane

Please do not feel weak at all. As you say he was verbally abusive, unpredictable with frightening mood swings and was manipulative through the suicide plan situation you mentioned. All of these things are things that people should not present in a healthy person or relationship. This person does not sound like he was good for you and must have been extremely stressful and confusing to deal with. That does not make you weak just because he didn't do anything criminal.

I have felt like you describe. My ex wasnt diagnosed and sometimes I wonder whether he really was that bad as I compare him to others who are worse. My ex was never physically abusive, or falsely accused me of anything to the police, or steal or rape me or threaten to kill me or anyone else.

Was your ex diagnosed as having BPD? Does he fit alot of the criteria for the disorder?

When you love someone it is hard to leave no matter what they have done. What you went through with your ex was still painful and you still cared for him. Dont devalue your pain just because it wasnt as bad as some others experiences. There is always someone in a worse off position.

Hope this helped

[theoneone]

My BPDex didn't show outward signs of anger unless really provoked through a big argument. She didn't get upset over the little things but I feel like she maybe bottled them up and then they would come out when we argued. She often was way less emotional than me actually. Or give me the silent treatment for hours and drive away in her car after giving me really nasty looks. That is what caused some hurt in me. How could someone who was being deceitful and disrespectful and being called out for it be so cool headed? When I read stories on these boards I think damn maybe I had it easy and that has me doubting my decision to leave her.

But at the end of the day, if you felt hurt, disrespected, stressed all the time, emotionally or verbally abused, and generally unhappy then you are allowed to say that you deserve better and leave it behind.

[sas1729]

I too have come to realize thanks to this board that my BPDex was definitely not the type to venture into the realm of criminal actions. Nothing like that. A couple times she lashed out physically, which is breaking a boundary sure, but nothing persistent and very violent. She would say mean things, such "f you". They always hurt. I never said it back to her. So when it comes to very angry behaviour it was uncommon. Of course we would fight, or rather me try to avoid a fight yet her still becoming angry.

What was BPD about her is how she treated my identity (personality and interests) as well as my friends and especially my family. The thing is that it was always that someone else was wrong. We would have fights about me seeing my family. I do recognise that she had valid points, but it was the way in which her points were made and the resulting inflexibility that struck me of BPD. I just wasn't good enough. Ultimately I became a shell of myself. I didn't pursue my interests, infrequently saw my friends (she always wanted a firm time limit), and basically never saw my family during the relationship. It really trampled my self-esteem.

So as I said, reading the posts on this board made me appreciate that on many levels I was lucky. I still do feel that it's legitimate for us to be here, since we did go through our own form of emotional abuse. And we can be supportive of each other.

[Tangy]

Same here. Mine is undiagnosed. And it actually took me until this time around to figure out what the heck he was probably dealing with. He went to bed telling me he loved me and couldn't wait to talk to me the next day... .to a text in the morning that he had cheated on me and then a skype convo that the wedding was off (again) and that "I get in the way of him living his life"

He doesn't drink, do drugs, no suicidal ideation/threats/nothing. I think he keeps all emotion suppressed hard and his symptoms are lack of stable identity, abandonment fears (expressed by abandoning others first), total mood instability (love to hate like that) and then the idealization/black-white thinking about others... .he can be so very cruel with his words, make a million promises with loved filled eyes, and then turn on a dime and call it all off without as much as an apology... .because he just can't stay in a stable identity of self-efficacy to be a good husband and then all the shame and negative emotion comes out as projection and anger... .

It's like other said... .its on a continuum. Like a spectrum. Just picture the audio sliders (from the old Windows 95 audio adjustment). If BPD has 9 criteria and only 5 are required... .each criterion may be on a slider/spectrum of its own.

[balletomane]

Thanks all. Yes, my ex was diagnosed. He came out of the appointment with the psychiatrist, back when we were just friends, and called me to let me know what had happened. "He thinks I have a personality disorder." My ex didn't seem to understand what that meant or have any real curiosity about it. He was more concerned that the psych had prescribed him some medication, and he was worried about taking it. In the end he threw the pills away and did not go back to the psychiatrist. I can't remember if I asked what PD the psychiatrist had diagnosed him with, but BPD seems the most logical, although he does fit criteria for others. He used to get really agitated about me putting my handbag in the 'wrong' place, sometimes even angry, and he was ultra-perfectionistic about everything as well as being a complete workaholic. That looks more like OCPD. And he was extremely paranoid too. The paranoia was what eventually broke us up.

My doubts creep in when I see how general the characteristics are - "black-and-white thinking" could cover a whole spectrum of different things, some much worse than others, and everyone is a bit black-and-white at times. I think as the relationship recedes from me I risk losing sight of how bad it actually was. As theoneone says, the fact that I felt disrespected and hurt is enough: it doesn't matter that my ex's abuse of me was not so severe as the abuse that other people here have faced. It was enough to hurt me and I need to concentrate on getting better instead of convincing myself that I don't have a right to be injured.

[ShadowIntheNight]

My uPBDexgf was high functioning. Even now, I don't think of her as being mentally ill,  I think of her as having an emotional disorder. My ex is a therapist and pretty good at it. Knowing how much she is in denial about herself and how dishonest she is to everyone about her authentic self, that cannot be good for helping her clients be their authentic selves though. So in my estimation she's not such a good therapist.

She also projects a happy go lucky attitude to her work colleagues and when she came home would always tell me about what jerks they were. Most every sentence began "I love my girl BUT" and it was never good on the other side of the but... .I also told her she had a home persona and a work persona and would tell her her work colleagues and friends wouldn't believe how much different she was away from them. She agreed. But we never addressed this as an issue. I just took it as the way she was. She did too. I had never heard the word borderline until she had been gone for three months. I just couldn't figure out why she had abandoned our relationship. I don't know the answer to this day. I wonder if I'll ever get the answer.

And the way she left is why it even came to me realizing there was something wrong with her. After 9.5 years she sent a note inside a birthday card to me telling me she was going down a different path. It made me angry a year ago. Now I get angry, but it's absolutely absurd to have done something like that to someone who had done so much for her and her children. And she hasn't even had the guts to approach me and say she went overboard with her actions from a year ago. So that's another way I know something is wrong with her. A normal person couldn't live with themselves treating someone they supposedly loved in that manner without finding a way to apologize for it.

She never attacked me without apologizing later in the past. She knew when she had stepped over the line and she would say so. She usually raged about other things, rarely at me. This kind of stuff is why I have questioned whether or not she has BPD. Having said that, she definitely exhibited a level of narcissism in her behavior late in our relationship AND looking at the BPD criteria, she met at least 5 of them. It's not for me to diagnos her, but she isn't a normal person. No normal person would behave the way she did at the end.

[rotiroti]

What you described about him making you worry? That's typical emotional black mail and I truly believe that it's one of the worst things you can do to someone you love.

While you say he didn't commit criminal things, I don't think that is something you would do to something you love. Wouldn't you agree?

[disorderedsociety]

Occasionally I feel out of place on this forum, because my ex never did anything criminal, such as assaulting me or stealing my stuff. The worst he did was say vicious things, have unpredictable and frightening mood swings over minor things, and give me the silent treatment when I did something he perceived to be wrong (i.e. disappearing in the middle of an IM conversation right after telling me he was planning to commit suicide and ignoring all my attempts at contact for the next two days, making me terrified he'd hurt himself - this was punishment because I hadn't comforted him in the way he wanted). It was horrible and it messed me up, but when I read about some people's experiences on here, I think I must be such a weak person to let myself get flattened by that when other people went through so much worse. Sometimes it even makes me wonder if my ex had this disorder at all or if I'm just imagining things.   Does anyone else here feel like that?

I struggled with the exact same feeling for MONTHS. But, try putting it down on paper. Mine for example:

Before medication and while not taking it for a few days - rage at the slightest perceived negativity, broke a hotel automatic door storming out after the clerk obviously didn't like her vibes.

Had a picture of her previous ex stashed away in her closet.

Mysterious aches and pains, all the time.

Accused me of having cheated or wanting to cheat, all the time (never did!)

I flirted with a girl once and told her about it, never got any slack cut. But she could flirt all she wanted.

Emotional cheating - texting and chatting with guys online while we lived together

Wanting to have her second child while we lived with her mom.

Wanting to get a dog while we lived with her mom who has 3 cats.

Drank alcohol every night because, "it makes my anxiety less bad, is the only way I can relax, etc."

Days after I left - f*cked FOUR other guys. Gave me an STD when we saw each other again a few weeks later.

Rebounded with an acquaintance of mine - sent him nudes

Got pregnant after a month with said acquaintance.

Called me all sorts of names when I tried to get closure.

And the list goes on... .I just can't wait to see how her current r/s turns out. Lmao.

[Gonzalo]

Don't forget that online there's a selection effect that leads to only the most outlandish stories getting posted. People who's ex- walked away without a trace or set their house on fire have a lot to cope with and something worth talking about. But for those of us who's ex- was kind of unpleasant but didn't really do anything especially bad after the breakup, there's no motive to post it. This leads to a lot of posts about confusing or really bad breakups, but none about ones like mine. She took some stuff when moving out that we had agreed was mine, but I didn't feel like making a big deal out of maybe $200 worth of property. She also broke some agreements (there were things we had agreed to sort through together), but none of them did more than piss me off.