Feeling too broken to date again

[balletomane]

I had a good and healthy long-term relationship before the devastation with my BPD ex, so I know that good relationships are possible. But when I look back to that person, the one who was happy and confident and who respected herself, it's like I don't recognise her. I can't imagine what it's like to feel genuinely loved and cared about by a partner, even though I know I've experienced it. I just don't remember how it felt. All feelings seem to have been numbed by my ex or replaced by pain. That frightens me. I also feel disgusted at the thought of ever getting into another relationship. Even if I had the opportunity right now, I couldn't. It's fear and self-disgust mainly - I feel so used and damaged. I couldn't bear to let someone else near this mess. When I think about this (and I try not to, it hurts) I get the closest to angry with my BPD ex that I've ever felt: it seems so unfair that he can get on with his life feeling no responsibility or even concern for his actions, while I have to bear the consequences of them. I can't opt out.

I'm also upset that I seem to have lost my capacity for trust. I used to be a trusting person. Now I can't shake the fear that people are going to hurt me, and that devastates me because this is exactly what my ex is like, only he's worse. I can't bear to think that I've contracted some of his unhealthy thinking through his actions. I don't want any mental souvenirs of him.

It's not even been five months, but I've seen a few people on the board talking about how they felt better by this point. One of my close friends, who has been so patient about listening to me whenever I've needed to vent about this stuff, told me that he thinks I'm avoiding getting on with life by thinking about my ex so much. But I don't deliberately encourage the thoughts. The pain is just constantly there and no matter how much I squash it down I'm always aware of it. Now I feel as though people are expecting me to be back to normal, and I'm nowhere near normal.

I know that recovery times will be different for each person, but I'd like to hear from other people about their experiences just so I know I'm not alone in this and have some rough idea of what to expect. I also need to know if anyone felt damaged to the point where even the thought of another relationship made them anxious or repulsed. And above all, strategies for recovery. I have been trying to keep myself active and busy, which seemed to help, but that's backfired on me a bit as I've crammed so much into my time for the past few months that now I'm exhausted and wanting to nap all the time.

I've found a therapist (not easy as I work for the local mental health service and I didn't want to see any of my colleagues) and I am due to start therapy soon, although this makes me feel nervous and even ashamed - sharing this with a stranger will not be easy. But I need to get through it somehow. It's been just over two years since he and I got together, the breakup followed six months later, the recycle a couple of months after that, and they have been two years of misery. I don't want him to take up any more of my life and my head.

[rotiroti]

I'm also upset that I seem to have lost my capacity for trust. I used to be a trusting person.

I think this is great insight - once a trusting person, always a trusting person. As you work in the mental health field, I am sure you have seen and helped many patients find their way again. Why couldn't you expect the same for you?

Really glad to hear that you found a T and will be starting soon!

[Darsha500]

I apaid your decision to enter psychotherapy. For me, it has been an invaluable experience. I can not recommend it highly enough. I also think that the idea that one should be ashamed of entering psychotherapy is very much a stigma that should be done away with. Here is a quote from a book I'm reading that has validated in me my willingness to undergo psychotherapy.

"No act is more unnatural, and hence more human, than the act of entering psychotherapy. For by this act we deliberately lay ourselves open to the deepest challenge from another human being, and even pay the other for the service of scrutiny and discernment. This laying open to challenge is one of the things that lying on the couch in the psychoanalyst’s office may symbolize. Entering psychotherapy is an act of the greatest courage. The primary reason people do not undergo psychotherapy is not that they lack the money but that they lack the courage. This even includes many psychiatrists themselves, who somehow never quite seem

to find it convenient to enter their own therapy despite the fact that they have even more reason than others to submit themselves to the discipline involved. It is because they possess this courage, on the other hand, that many psychoanalytic patients, even at the outset of therapy and contrary to their stereotypical image, are people who are basically much stronger and healthier than average."

Also. I want to recommend to a book called daring to trust

: opening ourselves to real love and intimacy  by David

www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1590309243/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1440879293&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=daring+ti+trust&dpPl=1&dpID=41J5yGuRHVL&ref=plSrch

[SGraham]

You said you are afraid that people will expect you to be over it by now, that's the problem. No one is you, no one has the right to tell you how you should feel because no one went thru exactly what you did. I know for me personally, things affected me way more than they should and longer than they should. I used to feel self comsious about this but a friend of mine basically told me what i told you and it helped me so, hopefully it helps you. It's also natural to feel repulsed by the idea of a new relationship, i feel that way and ive heard that sentiment expressed by many people on these boards. Best wishes.

[strong9]

It's been over 2 years for me and I'm still not ready for a full fledged relationship. I have a hard time being vulnerable and remain guarded with everyone other than my own kids. Only you know when you'll be ready. Nothing wrong with that. On the contrary.  Everything about it is so right.

[joeramabeme]

balletomane, your post struck a chord with me.  I am one month out of a 10 year marriage and I am definitely not ready.  In fact, I have downgraded my readiness over the last month.  That may be a sense of right-sizing reality versus stepping backwards.  In other words, I am more accurately seeing myself and knowing where I am at.  Perhaps this is the same with you?  You are gradually seeing things about yourself more clearly and it feels like going backwards but is really more accurately catching up with where your heart is at.

These type of B/U's can be traumatic.  By definition of trauma we cannot process the feelings as they occur.  Only later when it feels safer.  Give yourself some space to be where you are at.  It is hard to unwind all the events of a r/s with a partner that has BPD traits. 

I find myself assembling the parts in my mind, they fit together a certain way and feel like I understand it all.  Then a new piece of evidence comes forward and I have to disassemble the pieces and put them back together with the newer information.  It takes time.  Time can be a 4-letter word when you are in pain but the pain will fade over time and you will get yourself back.

I have been consistently doing a couple of things that seemed to have helped me from getting stuck for too long at any one time.  First is reminding myself that she was not able to be fully present with me and there was nothing I could do, I can't change people.  Second, this will all turn out the way it is supposed to.  I know that sounds cliche but I believe it is true.  If this is what happened then this is what was supposed to happen.  I am assured that there is something better out there for me and will believe in myself while it is materializing. 

We are good people.  We will get to a better place and could not stay in the place we came from.  For now you are here with us as until you make your way to that next place you are going to be. 

Keep posting, Joe

[jhkbuzz]

I've found a therapist (not easy as I work for the local mental health service and I didn't want to see any of my colleagues) and I am due to start therapy soon, although this makes me feel nervous and even ashamed - sharing this with a stranger will not be easy. But I need to get through it somehow. It's been just over two years since he and I got together, the breakup followed six months later, the recycle a couple of months after that, and they have been two years of misery. I don't want him to take up any more of my life and my head.

First: kudos for you for finding a therapist. I found one right as my r/s was ending and have been seeing her for a little over a year. She has been INVALUABLE to my healing. I wouldn't be as far along as I am without her. She both helped me process the b/u (8 year r/s) and is now helping me dig into some unresolved childhood trauma that I should have addressed years ago.

Don't be ashamed at the journey you're about to begin - be excited! The truth is that you will not be afraid to trust again once you understand yourself - what lead you into the kind of r/s you were in, what you need and want, who you are and where your blind spots may be. None of this journey is shame inducing - it's freeing.

I was in the place you're at. Fearing that I would never be able to trust again, feeling like I might never be able to date again, feeling like, damn, when am I just going to be OVER THIS?  Be gentle with yourself - you've been traumatized. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. It takes as long as it takes to heal. For me, it took a full year and making some changes in my life (new friends, moved out of the house we shared).

What I've learned through therapy is that some of the pain I experienced at the b/u was an older pain that had nothing to do with my ex - she just reactivated some long dormant wounds. If I hadn't gotten into therapy to deal with those, my recovery probably would have taken longer, and I might not have recognized them as "ancient wounds" - I might have mistakenly continued to believe that the pain I was feeling came from my ex. Some of it did, for sure - but not all of it.

[balletomane]

Thank you all for the support and encouragement. I don't know what I would do without this forum.

The past couple of days have been a bit better. It comes and goes in waves. Tonight I made this list of things I can be honestly happy about:

1.) I can try new things that he would probably dislike or disapprove of without worrying about how he's going to react, and I can spend time on old hobbies that got neglected because he took up so much of my time. I've discovered that there is a circus skills school just a twenty-minute walk away from my new flat and I signed up for trapeze classes!

2.) I no longer have to keep quiet about meeting up with certain friends just because he doesn't like them and always takes care to angrily let me know what an idiot I am for liking them. I have deepened my friendship with so many people and I feel glad. I didn't realise until now how isolated he'd made me.

3.) I am no longer in high-alert mode all the time, always monitoring the situation for potential triggers that might set him off, always adjusting my behaviour to match. Sometimes I used to feel like a bomb-disposal squad. At least I don't have that feeling now.

4.) I'm rediscovering what's normal in a friendship. A couple of weeks ago I spilled Dr Pepper in a friend's car and started apologising profusely with my heart literally pounding. She just said, "Hey, no big deal," and carried on talking about whatever she was talking about. Then it hit me just how terrified I'd become of him and his rages and just how much I'd come to take them for granted. And there is no need to feel that any more.

5.) I am much more productive in my work for my doctorate. I did more in three months without him than I did in the whole time I was with him. Constantly arranging my life and timetable to suit him was tiring and it messed up my week.

6.) I no longer feel as though I am an object for sexual gratification. In the last part of our relationship he paid no attention to what might be nice or comfortable for me, only for him, but I put up with it in the hope that he would go back to how he had been. In future I will respect my body too much to share it with someone who acts like that.

7.) I lost a lot of weight in grief over the break up and got too thin. Now I have a healthy weight again and physically I'm feeling better.

[joeramabeme]

Thank you all for the support and encouragement. I don't know what I would do without this forum.

The past couple of days have been a bit better. It comes and goes in waves. Tonight I made this list of things I can be honestly happy about:

1.) I can try new things that he would probably dislike or disapprove of without worrying about how he's going to react, and I can spend time on old hobbies that got neglected because he took up so much of my time. I've discovered that there is a circus skills school just a twenty-minute walk away from my new flat and I signed up for trapeze classes!

2.) I no longer have to keep quiet about meeting up with certain friends just because he doesn't like them and always takes care to angrily let me know what an idiot I am for liking them. I have deepened my friendship with so many people and I feel glad. I didn't realise until now how isolated he'd made me.

3.) I am no longer in high-alert mode all the time, always monitoring the situation for potential triggers that might set him off, always adjusting my behaviour to match. Sometimes I used to feel like a bomb-disposal squad. At least I don't have that feeling now.

4.) I'm rediscovering what's normal in a friendship. A couple of weeks ago I spilled Dr Pepper in a friend's car and started apologising profusely with my heart literally pounding. She just said, "Hey, no big deal," and carried on talking about whatever she was talking about. Then it hit me just how terrified I'd become of him and his rages and just how much I'd come to take them for granted. And there is no need to feel that any more.

5.) I am much more productive in my work for my doctorate. I did more in three months without him than I did in the whole time I was with him. Constantly arranging my life and timetable to suit him was tiring and it messed up my week.

6.) I no longer feel as though I am an object for sexual gratification. In the last part of our relationship he paid no attention to what might be nice or comfortable for me, only for him, but I put up with it in the hope that he would go back to how he had been. In future I will respect my body too much to share it with someone who acts like that.

7.) I lost a lot of weight in grief over the break up and got too thin. Now I have a healthy weight again and physically I'm feeling better.

Ballet, that is an AWESOME list!  Thank you!

I have one to add.  I met a women the other day and she said to me "I like to laugh".  I became a little concerned, wasn't sure what she meant and started to try and interpret.  But she literally meant "I like to laugh".  Funny, I am laughing thinking about it.  We talked and i was belly laughing much of the time.  It dawned on me this morning, I haven't had a good belly laugh in a LOONNGG time.  I realized, this is part of enjoying a healthy r/s with someone that is not disordered.

Thank you for such an insightful and thoughtful post!

[Gonzalo]

It took me about six months to be ready to start dating again and even then I'm having a hard time letting go of the habits I learned in my relationship. Focus on the positives like you're doing, and be open with your therapist so they can help you break the old patterns. You've probably got something like PTSD from the abuse in the relationship, and you generally can't 'just get over it' the way you can a usual bad relationship, you'll need to unlearn some thought patterns. Also, remember that casual dating is an option, you don't have to be looking for A Lifetime Relationship, and casual dating can help you encounter people who don't mistreat you.

One of the things on my list of things to be happy about was a situation where a girlfriend got upset because of some confusion. I was fully braced for all-out war, in my head the trench lines were dug, reserves called up, and demo charges were on the bridge (that is, I was braced to leave the relationship if this ended in a week of arguments and false accusations). I sent out a probe, mirroring what I thought she had said and asking for clarification, so that I would be ready when the full-scale argument ripped into my lines. And... .she said that yes, that's what she was concerned about, thanked me for hearing her complaint, and that she felt so much better knowing that I cared enough to pay attention to how she felt. My whole 'army' was left milling around.

The 'for bonus points' part? I don't even remember what it was that she got unhappy about, because we resolved it quickly with no fireworks. OTOH, I can still recount the time my ex- decided that she was going to be mad because she might have cancer and my sympathetic words weren't good enough, and the now-hilarious rant about how dare I eat a sandwich while she was sad. (Side note: the sandwich was delicious).

[joeramabeme]

and the now-hilarious rant about how dare I eat a sandwich while she was sad. (Side note: the sandwich was delicious).

WOW!  That is f'in hilarious!  You really can't make this stuff up.  There were a couple of times that I laughed out loud at extreme comments my ex made b/c they were so far beyond belief that I was sure she was kidding only to have dug an even deeper trench.  These were moments when I knew it would never last and behind all the sadness I was feeling was the surety this would never work and I don't care anymore.

Thanks for my morning laugh Gonzalo, that was really funny!  This is proving to be an extremely light hearted and enjoyable thread!  So, what kind of sandwich?

[Gonzalo]

It was a hot sandwich with ham, turkey, and some kind of strong cheese, I don't remember exactly what else. It's from a deli that does a different special every day so it wasn't a regular menu item. I remember specifically about the ham because she accused me of not caring about her since I didn't save any of the sandwich for her, even though A. she claimed to be too angry to eat and B. She didn't eat ham.

[oor_wullie]

I know that recovery times will be different for each person, but I'd like to hear from other people about their experiences just so I know I'm not alone in this and have some rough idea of what to expect. I also need to know if anyone felt damaged to the point where even the thought of another relationship made them anxious or repulsed. And above all, strategies for recovery. I have been trying to keep myself active and busy, which seemed to help, but that's backfired on me a bit as I've crammed so much into my time for the past few months that now I'm exhausted and wanting to nap all the time.

you aren't alone. you're very, very much not alone. i think it's SO important that you know that.

one of the hardest things, for me, was the isolation that the experience of being with, and losing, a BPD brought me. the isolation was due in part to the total failure of anyone around me to understand what i was going through. no one could fully understand why i was so upset. why my recovery seemed to simply have stalled. why i was seemingly dwelling on her. no one could offer me any advice that didn't really just boil down to "get over it", "move on", and "plenty more fish".

and the isolation was also due to that particular thing that BPDs do to us. due to their mirroring, and their need to be loved, they present as near-perfect partners to start with. and they hook so deeply into us by inducing our sympathy and our love, that it the normal process of letting go simply doesn't apply.

i feel, now, that she sank into every pore in my being. everywhere i look, in my mind, in my memories, in my "heart", she's there somewhere. it's been 6 months since i lost her finally, and this was a year long recycle that came after another 4 years of her absence. she's been in my life for 7 years, but out of those 7 years, i really only spent about 2 years with her. and yet it sometimes feels like she's all i can remember!

all i can say is that it's like being an alcoholic. you can quit, but even then you're still an alcoholic. you need to be constantly on your guard. you need support from other alcoholics, because they're the only ones who truly understand the constant craving, and the counterintuitive nature of knowing that the drink will destroy you, but still wanting it. the difference between knowing and feeling.

like you, i cannot bear the thought of being with anyone else. and yet i desperately crave companionship, because that empty space is constantly there. i feel the emptiness next to me everywhere i go. i want to fill it, and yet i can't.

i really can't. again, no one gets this. people tell me they don't get why i'm single, as tho it's simply a matter of course that i should find a partner. as though that should just happen. "what's for you will find you". but it feels like a fantasy now. i can't imagine ever being with someone. i can't even remember what it feels like.

when i finally left my ex, it was in part because i finally realised she was a fantasy. an impossible dream. she wasn't real. i finally started to see her for what she really was - someone who lied constantly, and who abused me with her constant twisting of everything against me, and her refusal to ever take any responsibility for her actions, or herself. and i think i've in part processed this as being applicable to EVERY relationship.

and, like you, i have been left with what seems to be a crippling lack of self-worth. i had to do some serious internal juggling to leave my exBPD. i wonder if i didn't have to tear something out of myself in order to leave her. something that's gone forever.

like you, i feel like i've been infected by her illness. as though it's somehow poisoned me. like she is the radioactive source, and i'm left with radiation sickness. impotent, sterile. not radioactive myself, but poisoned nonetheless.

coping mechanisms? well, i've tried to engage with more people now. have more friends. i try not to expect anything too deep from my friendships, just have them for what they are. when i was with "her", i never saw anyone else. she encouraged me to have friends, but then couldn't tolerate the diversion of attention, and was very jealous. so i stopped (something else that proves isolating when you finally break free). now i've started having friends again, but it's really important to recalibrate your expectations - BPDs, when things are good, hang on your every word, and you feel you're the centre of the world. real friendships, and real relationships, don't work that way. nothing real is so extreme. recalibrate!

i might never have another relationship. i used to feel terrified by that, and i still do sometimes, but i've also tried to embrace that fact and understand it for what it is. because having a partner isn't the be all, end all of human existence. it's just not. the whole world seems to assume we're either in a relationship, or we're actively dating. as though having a partner is like having a brain or a liver, or lungs. but that's a crock. realistically, how many people who are going to be right for you are you likely to meet in your life, while you're single, and they're single, and who are attracted to you, and whom you find attractive, and are in the ballpark right sort of age, and have the necessary gender and sexuality? the maths don't add up. the reality is that most people are in relationships that are happening by default. they're content at best. maybe even miserable. most of them are far worse off than you and i, because they're stuck with something that they don't like but cannot change.

i remember how miserable i was with my exBPD. i concentrate on that, because it's too easy to forget. when i feel lonely, i recall all the times she left me alone, to go out boozing with friends, and ex boyfriends, doing god knows what, refusing to answer my texts. and how much i worried and was driven crazy with worry and fear, and loneliness.

i happily swapped that for being alone, because now i don't have to worry any more. it's easy to forget.

take care!

[balletomane]

It took me about six months to be ready to start dating again and even then I'm having a hard time letting go of the habits I learned in my relationship. Focus on the positives like you're doing, and be open with your therapist so they can help you break the old patterns. You've probably got something like PTSD from the abuse in the relationship, and you generally can't 'just get over it' the way you can a usual bad relationship, you'll need to unlearn some thought patterns. Also, remember that casual dating is an option, you don't have to be looking for A Lifetime Relationship, and casual dating can help you encounter people who don't mistreat you.

I do have PTSD. I accepted that even when I was still caught up in the relationship with my ex. In my last meeting with him I told him that I knew I had it. He got defensive and said I wasn't being kind to him. I am doing what I can for my recovery, but on some days I just feel tired out with all the effort and I want to feel better right now. At least I no longer wish quite so ardently to be exactly the person I was - I can see that there might be value in this experience, that I can learn from it, and that I might have more respect for the person I grow to be. I also recognise that it would have been hard for me to grow with him still in my life. He was suffocating me. But it's still painful, especially around this time of the year - it contains a couple of significant days that were happy times for us, and that I can't remember without hurting now.

I tend to be pretty shy and reserved and all my relationships have been with people I knew well beforehand, so I doubt I'd have the confidence to date casually. Spending one-to-one time with someone I don't know that well on a date would just feel awkward to me. But I am going to try and socialise more and widen my circle of friends. I think that helps.

like you, i feel like i've been infected by her illness. as though it's somehow poisoned me. like she is the radioactive source, and i'm left with radiation sickness. impotent, sterile. not radioactive myself, but poisoned nonetheless

... .

i might never have another relationship. i used to feel terrified by that, and i still do sometimes, but i've also tried to embrace that fact and understand it for what it is. because having a partner isn't the be all, end all of human existence. it's just not. the whole world seems to assume we're either in a relationship, or we're actively dating. as though having a partner is like having a brain or a liver, or lungs. but that's a crock. realistically, how many people who are going to be right for you are you likely to meet in your life, while you're single, and they're single, and who are attracted to you, and whom you find attractive, and are in the ballpark right sort of age, and have the necessary gender and sexuality? the maths don't add up. the reality is that most people are in relationships that are happening by default. they're content at best. maybe even miserable. most of them are far worse off than you and i, because they're stuck with something that they don't like but cannot change.

I agree that you don't need to be in a relationship to be content. I've been in comparatively few relationships (three) and most of my adult life has been spent happily single. Now regret and pain have crept in because if I'm going to be single, I want it to be purely because it makes me happy, and not because I feel too broken for anything else. I hate the feeling that I haven't made a free choice here. I'd like to know that I could date if I met the right person, and right now I feel as though I couldn't, no matter how lovely they were or how much I wanted to.

Radiation sickness is a brilliant way to think of it.

[joeramabeme]

oor_wullie, this is great.

i might never have another relationship. i used to feel terrified by that, and i still do sometimes, but i've also tried to embrace that fact and understand it for what it is. because having a partner isn't the be all, end all of human existence. it's just not. the whole world seems to assume we're either in a relationship, or we're actively dating. as though having a partner is like having a brain or a liver, or lungs. but that's a crock. realistically, how many people who are going to be right for you are you likely to meet in your life, while you're single, and they're single, and who are attracted to you, and whom you find attractive, and are in the ballpark right sort of age, and have the necessary gender and sexuality? the maths don't add up. the reality is that most people are in relationships that are happening by default. they're content at best. maybe even miserable. most of them are far worse off than you and i, because they're stuck with something that they don't like but cannot change.

Agreed with all you say and would add that the majority of folks are coupled and it is difficult to find a place of peaceful contentment in the larger populace as a single if not for any other reason than this is the status of most everyone else. 

I had been single for a long time before meeting my 2bx and spent many nights as a 3rd wheel.  Friends were real nice and all but it did get awkward after awhile.  So, it is not just the way we feel, it is reinforced in the choices, or lack of, that are available to us as single people. 

I personally do not like bars and clubs which is a big draw for singles.  The older I have gotten the more I detest the idea of people congregating in a shallow setting of loud music, made up looks and clever conversation as a way to attempt finding fulfillment, even temporarily. 

LOL!  Guess I am heading for a long period of singledom! 

[still_in_shock]

balletomane, I hear you so well. You aren't alone. I feel exactly like you, and it's been over 8 months since we've separated.

I am one of those who's posted here she feels healed and regained her life. And I did heal, for the most part, emotionally coming to terms with what has happened and having accepted the fact that yes, I was used, taken advantage of and was discarded being perceived for a "financial burden". So my healing is that, finally, when thinking about it, I am not suffocating of anger and frustration, but feel calm admitting the fact that my husband was an ass and yes I was treated that awful way.

However, the trauma of the horrid experience with the uBPD has left hardly-ever curable scars in my heart. Just like you've said it right, I feel so numb and mistrustful of people and men, in particular. What frightens me the most though, I catch myself thinking about people/men the way my ex used to speak of people - full of suspicion, skepticism and mistrust.

First few months after the disastrous break-up, I hated all men. I remember telling it to my male therapist how much I hated all of them, and that the hate was so strong that I thought I'd never want to be with another man.

By month 8 now, I don't hate them, but I do not trust them either. I am open for new friendships and have actually met new male colleagues. They've become good new friends and I really like them as "it" friends. I also think both of them are being overly nice to me - one keeps inviting to attend important social events with him, whereas the other is trying hard to ask me out on weekends. While I am happy to interact with them as colleagues in a bigger circle of friends, I am so-so-so cautious when responding to their invites for individual meetings outside work. In the light of what could be a potential romantic relationship, I am not just mistrustful and suspicious, but also somewhat fearful of men now... That's a major trauma and wound of the BPD relationship that I observing in myself.

But what concerns me the most is that I am now manifesting these utterly mistrustful feelings toward the people that my ex did. And just like you, previously, I was an open book and easily trusting person. But i have now turned into a mysterious person who is running a rapid psychoanalysis on the back of her mind on the person she is talking to (assessing is s/he friend or enemy; is s/he acting or being authentic; why is s'he being so nice to me, what can s/he potentially want to gain from me; and etc).

Now, I am weighting every single word of mine analyzing what is a potential of the information of what I say being used against me. And I hate this new trait about myself, as I was NEVER like this before. Until recently, I was called overly naive, gullible and too trusting for an adult. But I am now becoming so much like my ex having (with no intention, but through the experience) learned the manipulative features, if you think about it. Using words and behaving strategically, thinking what I'd lose or gain by saying this or that. That's awful. I don't want to turn into someone like him. But if you think about it, BPDs are often the victims of trauma. And since we have been traumatized so fiercely by them, now we seem developing similar traits...

[jhkbuzz]

balletomane, I hear you so well. You aren't alone. I feel exactly like you, and it's been over 8 months since we've separated.

I am one of those who's posted here she feels healed and regained her life. And I did heal, for the most part, emotionally coming to terms with what has happened and having accepted the fact that yes, I was used, taken advantage of and was discarded being perceived for a "financial burden". So my healing is that, finally, when thinking about it, I am not suffocating of anger and frustration, but feel calm admitting the fact that my husband was an ass and yes I was treated that awful way.

However, the trauma of the horrid experience with the uBPD has left hardly-ever curable scars in my heart. Just like you've said it right, I feel so numb and mistrustful of people and men, in particular. What frightens me the most though, I catch myself thinking about people/men the way my ex used to speak of people - full of suspicion, skepticism and mistrust.

First few months after the disastrous break-up, I hated all men. I remember telling it to my male therapist how much I hated all of them, and that the hate was so strong that I thought I'd never want to be with another man.

By month 8 now, I don't hate them, but I do not trust them either. I am open for new friendships and have actually met new male colleagues. They've become good new friends and I really like them as "it" friends. I also think both of them are being overly nice to me - one keeps inviting to attend important social events with him, whereas the other is trying hard to ask me out on weekends. While I am happy to interact with them as colleagues in a bigger circle of friends, I am so-so-so cautious when responding to their invites for individual meetings outside work. In the light of what could be a potential romantic relationship, I am not just mistrustful and suspicious, but also somewhat fearful of men now... That's a major trauma and wound of the BPD relationship that I observing in myself.

But what concerns me the most is that I am now manifesting these utterly mistrustful feelings toward the people that my ex did. And just like you, previously, I was an open book and easily trusting person. But i have now turned into a mysterious person who is running a rapid psychoanalysis on the back of her mind on the person she is talking to (assessing is s/he friend or enemy; is s/he acting or being authentic; why is s'he being so nice to me, what can s/he potentially want to gain from me; and etc).

Now, I am weighting every single word of mine analyzing what is a potential of the information of what I say being used against me. And I hate this new trait about myself, as I was NEVER like this before. Until recently, I was called overly naive, gullible and too trusting for an adult. But I am now becoming so much like my ex having (with no intention, but through the experience) learned the manipulative features, if you think about it. Using words and behaving strategically, thinking what I'd lose or gain by saying this or that. That's awful. I don't want to turn into someone like him. But if you think about it, BPDs are often the victims of trauma. And since we have been traumatized so fiercely by them, now we seem developing similar traits...

still_in_shock:

I understand your feelings well - I wondered for a long time if I would ever trust anyone again. 8 months out of the r/s is not very long - it sounds like you were married for two years, and it can take more than 8 months to regain your footing.  I still was feeling badly (at times) at 8 months; the year mark came and went and, for whatever reason, I started feeling much better, so hang in there.

I found a therapist as my r/s was ending, and the best thing to come out of it so far (after about a year) is that I've begun examining my own patterns - why I was susceptible to the idealization (I, like you, was at a difficult point of my life). But I've also learned that there were dynamics in my family of origin (FOO) that I was repeating - dynamics that lead me to play a certain role within the r/s. It has been eye-opening and healing to understand myself in this regard, and with this understanding my dis-trustfulness has faded. In the beginning of the r/s my ex eased wounds that I didn't know I had. As I heal those wounds I become less susceptible to women who exhibit "over the top" behaviors like idealization and damsel-in-distress.

You said something in your original post: "With no hesitation I agreed to marry -- think about it, if this person not even knowing me agrees to stand by a woman who's just been diagnose with cancer, what other proofs that he's THE special one do you need? I thought if he is accepting me in this state, he'd be there no matter what. So we've eloped on month 4 of our acquaintance. And only recently, after the triller shocking story that's happened, I've realized that when were marrying, we were actually seeing each other in person for the second time only... It never occurred to me then, as I felt as if I've known him for 20 years."

More proofs were needed before making a lifetime commitment... .for sure. The truth is that you were both engaging in fairytale thinking, which feels magical when you're in it (ask me how I know!) but it's not the headspace you want to be in when you're making a serious commitment. There were lots of red flags at the beginning of the r/s that you ignored, and getting to the bottom of the reason why you ignored these red flags is your work now.

You said in your post that "... .Until recently, I was called overly naive, gullible and too trusting for an adult." You also said that now "I feel so numb and mistrustful of people and men, in particular. What frightens me the most though, I catch myself thinking about people/men the way my ex used to speak of people - full of suspicion, skepticism and mistrust."

Neither one of those ^ is where you want to live. There's a middle ground to reach - but you won't be able to reach it until you understand YOURSELF better. The other side of that understanding is confidence in yourself and your choices - including your choices of who to let into your life and trust.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Thanks for sharing. Keep it going and never look back... .

Thank you all for the support and encouragement. I don't know what I would do without this forum.

The past couple of days have been a bit better. It comes and goes in waves. Tonight I made this list of things I can be honestly happy about:

1.) I can try new things that he would probably dislike or disapprove of without worrying about how he's going to react, and I can spend time on old hobbies that got neglected because he took up so much of my time. I've discovered that there is a circus skills school just a twenty-minute walk away from my new flat and I signed up for trapeze classes!

2.) I no longer have to keep quiet about meeting up with certain friends just because he doesn't like them and always takes care to angrily let me know what an idiot I am for liking them. I have deepened my friendship with so many people and I feel glad. I didn't realise until now how isolated he'd made me.

3.) I am no longer in high-alert mode all the time, always monitoring the situation for potential triggers that might set him off, always adjusting my behaviour to match. Sometimes I used to feel like a bomb-disposal squad. At least I don't have that feeling now.

4.) I'm rediscovering what's normal in a friendship. A couple of weeks ago I spilled Dr Pepper in a friend's car and started apologising profusely with my heart literally pounding. She just said, "Hey, no big deal," and carried on talking about whatever she was talking about. Then it hit me just how terrified I'd become of him and his rages and just how much I'd come to take them for granted. And there is no need to feel that any more.

5.) I am much more productive in my work for my doctorate. I did more in three months without him than I did in the whole time I was with him. Constantly arranging my life and timetable to suit him was tiring and it messed up my week.

6.) I no longer feel as though I am an object for sexual gratification. In the last part of our relationship he paid no attention to what might be nice or comfortable for me, only for him, but I put up with it in the hope that he would go back to how he had been. In future I will respect my body too much to share it with someone who acts like that.

7.) I lost a lot of weight in grief over the break up and got too thin. Now I have a healthy weight again and physically I'm feeling better.