Dealing with jealousy

[bAlex]

I'm not usually the jealous type. I'm scared that I'll run into her and whoever she's seeing at the time, by accident, and feel jealousy in that moment. I don't check her social media, I tend to avoid places like clubs and bars that I think she might go to. I don't want her back in my life, since I already know what horrors to expect. But sometimes I'll be out somewhere, and catch myself thinking "I hope she doesn't come here tonight". I'm not sure where the jealousy would come from, since I already know full well she's sleeping with and dating other ppl etc. I accept that. Essentially I guess I might be afraid of feeling it because it would mean that she still has some type of power over me. I hate that I feel like I need to avoid her, feels like I'm hiding in a way. I shouldn't have to. Is there any way around this? I want to one day reach the point of total indifference. I don't know if that's entirely possible, but I would like to think so. I think this is an important hurdle that I need to overcome that's standing between me and reaching that point. Any thoughts on this?

[Mutt]

Hi Alex,

I think that's natural to want to avoid the places that you both frequented or the places that you might run into your ex. It sounds like things are raw and it's a good idea to self protect by putting space between you and your ex for a little while and take care of yourself.

I recall a festival that we used to go to and I had to skip it the first year after the break-up because it triggered memories of my ex. I didn't want to ruminate about her so I didn't go. I also changed my routine for awhile and went to different restaurants etc.

I think that you have the right idea with having a goal of indifference but it sounds like things are relatively fresh for you. I would really give indifference some time.

[bAlex]

Thanks for the reply Mutt. I'm doing a lot better, it has after all been a long time since the initial breakup. The rawness is gone basically. It was allowing her to come in and out of my life as she pleases, and holding onto hope that stretched things out for so long. Every time she'd come back I would take her words to heart and see it as her way of trying to fix the relationship. It set the progress I made back every time. My fear comes from being scared that by bumping into her that I might get jealous and that that would cause me to slide back again. Aside from time, and avoiding places she frequents, is there any other way to avoid feeling this way if I were to bump into her?

[Mutt]

Alex,

I hear what you're saying. It's not uncommon for partners to get back together after the first break-up but there's something wrong when the break-up and make up cycle is several times or more. Here's article that you may find useful. You may be able to identify a reason why.

Relationship Recycling

I didn't want to leave my ex wife for all of the reasons listed in the paragraph why do we get caught up in these cycles? I have my own abandonment fears. I didn't like being alone and I didn't want to have to start over. I also have kids and I didn't want them to have a broken home but it's better that mom and dad are not together so that one emotionally stable parent can give them routine, validation, attention and stability.

It sounds like you want to get off the emotional rollercoaster. Is there a reason why you slide back again?

[bAlex]

In the past I slid back again because I thought she wanted to repair the relationship every time she contacted me for help. I was wrong, she was merely using me.

There's a saying: "Sometimes the only person who could take away your pain is the one that caused it". I needed her to give me the fair chance that we never had. That, I believed would've stopped the pain of losing her, even if it didn't work out. I needed to experience it, to see with my own eyes that on a level playing field it wouldn't (or would) work. I always thought of her as the one that got away, I believed that the person at the beginning was the "real" person. She made me believe through gaslighting and manipulation that I was responsible for the breakup and any bad behaviour on her part. I now know it wasn't true, and I don't want anything from her any more.

I'm just scared of running into her, and experiencing jealousy when that happens. Her ex also had this recurring theme of jealousy, he couldn't handle to even see her speak to other guys although they were broken up. It's in the way she behaves and communicate with others that triggers it I belive, and I sometimes think she does it intentionally. I don't want to follow the same path as him, after all, I have a feeling that I would run into her sooner or later. If that happens, is there a way to avoid feelings of jealousy? Like practical steps one could follow to diffuse it?

[Mutt]

Alex,

I needed to experience it, to see with my own eyes that on a level playing field it wouldn't (or would) work.

I feel the same way. I think that sometimes we have to go through our experiences more than once to learn the lesson.

I wouldn't set the bar with her ex. You're different people with different personalities, have qualities and temperaments. I'm not the jealous type and I don't have advise for you there. I do understand the anxiety and worry about running into an ex partner with mental illness. For a period I had PTSD symptoms and I was hyper vigilant. I speak for myself when I say this, but my symptoms passed relatively quickly. I did use mindfulness as a technique when I knew that I was going to see her on the switch on / off days with the kids.

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

I'm not saying that you have PTSD. You have e shared symptoms but I wouldn't worry about how her ex coped with your ex. We can only control ourselves and we can't control others. I understand how confusing projection and dissociation is with a partner with BPD is and how that effects the self esteem. It sounds like you understand that you're not responsible for her blame shifting.

My advice is to work on detaching and letting her go, take things as they come and her ex is not you.

[Itstopsnow]

The longer you stay NC the easier I believe it would get even if you did see them. Just keep in mind. Each day as you think of your ex. They are sick and doomed to keep repeating the same lifestyle choices. They will always use this skills because it is all they know. Don't feel jealous of anything feel sorry for that poor victim with them. I get moments of missing my ex too, but the reality of it all is. Too much of them is screwed up for anything stable or normal .

[bAlex]

Thanks Mutt. It's hard to explain, you don't know this girl... it's like she would intentionally do things to get under your skin. For example, I remember when we first got together, we went to a party and another girl I used to date was there too. She would deliberately kiss me in front of her and take selfies of us while doing it. In hindsight I'm seeing how cruel that was to the other girl... I  know for a fact that if she were to show up anywhere I'm at that she would pull that same cruel stunt with me too, to somehow "teach me a lesson" only to deny that she's "doing anything wrong" as well. Although I don't want her, I'm kinda scared that it would still suck to see that... I don't wanna be jealous when I see that. The obvious answer would be to just leave if she shows up, but I don't want to feel like I'm running from her somehow. I don't know if you understand what I'm getting at?

[once removed]

it's like she would intentionally do things to get under your skin. For example... .

what youre describing are the actions of a person with deep insecurity. its more about relieving what is under her skin than getting under someone elses. a very primitive coping mechanism, although one i think we can all identify with on some level.

i get that youre not sure how you should react. this doesnt have to be a game though (im not saying youre making it one). if she were to behave such a way in front of you, you do not have to react to it. that does not, however, preclude exiting/removing yourself from the situation or "running" as you put it. we run from danger, or perceived danger. youre recovering, and your recovery should be protected. you decide what is a danger to your recovery. only you can decide, and your decision isnt right or wrong.

in other words, youre not weak if you leave because she shows up. you pretty much have three options: ignore her, get in a tit for tat, or leave. if youre in a position to ignore her and let her actions roll off your back, great. but who would want to see that, or be around that? its an awkward situation at the very least.

[bAlex]

it's like she would intentionally do things to get under your skin. For example... .

what youre describing are the actions of a person with deep insecurity. its more about relieving what is under her skin than getting under someone elses. a very primitive coping mechanism, although one i think we can all identify with on some level.

i get that youre not sure how you should react. this doesnt have to be a game though (im not saying youre making it one). if she were to behave such a way in front of you, you do not have to react to it. that does not, however, preclude exiting/removing yourself from the situation or "running" as you put it. we run from danger, or perceived danger. youre recovering, and your recovery should be protected. you decide what is a danger to your recovery. only you can decide, and your decision isnt right or wrong.

in other words, youre not weak if you leave because she shows up. you pretty much have three options: ignore her, get in a tit for tat, or leave. if youre in a position to ignore her and let her actions roll off your back, great. but who would want to see that, or be around that? its an awkward situation at the very least.

that's a simple way of putting it, rings true.

[UVA2002]

Don't feel jealous just be glad it's some other chump.