One year on: moving past self-disgust and the feeling of being used

[balletomane]

It's almost one year since my ex got together with his flatmate, telling me almost as an afterthought - he didn't even consider this cheating, let alone see why I was so hurt. It's ten months since I stopped contact with him. I was devastated but I've been coping pretty well, and I like where my life is heading. I have applied and been accepted to a program in speech and language therapy, a career I've always been interested in but never pursued for one reason or another. (The situation with my ex actually pushed me to apply - I felt that it was the time for something fresh, and it might as well be this.) I have a job, I'm moving to a new apartment soon, and I've been reconnecting with old friends and doing a bit of travelling. So far, so positive.

But some things are still incredibly painful. I think part of it just the fact that the one-year mark is stirring up unpleasant thoughts and memories for me, and I'll be OK once I'm over this anniversary. But there is more to it than that. The way my ex discarded me made me feel like trash, and fearful that other people might treat me the same way - it's just a question of when, not if. I feel as though I'm coated in something disgusting and that no one will ever want me near unless they can use me for something. I find it very difficult to imagine being in a relationship again, even though I had good relationships before him. I just can't get past the feelings his behaviour evoked in me. Right now I don't want to be in a relationship. The thought makes me panic. But neither do I want to live with this self-disgust, pain, and panic indefinitely.

I know patience is key - you can't take short cuts in recovery - but I'm wondering if there is anything I could do to make this easier on myself. Has anyone experienced this?

[joeramabeme]

Hi Balletomane - I can identify with some of your feelings about insecurity in starting a new relationship. I see my feelings as a function of hypersensitivity around the areas of myself that preexisted and drew me into this r/s in the first place.  I read your question as; how do I trust my instincts again when they were so off base in this BP relationship?

I have been casually seeing someone for a few months.  This has helped alleviate those fears and concerns about the "next time".  I have gone real slow in dating, I am not ready for anything too serious.  But having someone who is a friend of the opposite sex has taken away some of the fear that all women need to be scanned for hidden signs of BP type behaviors.  Yes, I still do that with my date, and I have even told her about it - she has been wonderful and listened in a kind and loving way which has gone a long way in reducing the anxiety that creeps in when I think about it during times we are not together.  

Perhaps this is a consideration, if you are ready, to find a friend of the opposite sex.  :)oesn't have to be more than going out for some fun or talk or whatever.  May help to take the internalized fears and bring them out in the open before they become paralyzing.  

I don't know when my heart will be ready again.  You mentioned anniversaries, I feel like this first year has been a continual anniversary of remembering what we had done the prior 15 years together at "this time of the year" etc.

I have read your previous posts, you seem very strong and aware and I am sure very capable of meeting someone who is healthy and will treat you with respect that you can also trust.  This will take time.  With your newfound knowledge of BPD and of yourself, you will be able to develop an internal confidence in trusting your own instincts again.

JRB