Sex and feeling violated

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This is quite a sensitive topic for me and I hesitated before posting it.

I was sexually assaulted when I was ten years old. It was a one-off assault by a stranger in a park, and while obviously I was very badly shaken up by the incident, it didn't really start to take a toll on me psychologically until I was a teenager. I think this was because all my peers were suddenly talking about dating and relationships, and I found the idea of sex pretty frightening and violating.

My first serious boyfriend was very understanding and supportive of these issues and I had counselling, which really helped to resolve my fears. However, partly because of that horrible experience and partly just because of my own personality, I realised that I would never be comfortable with casual sex and that I would have to be in a committed trusting relationship to feel OK and safe with it.

I talked about this with my ex with BPD when we got together. He was also very supportive and he never pressured me. I did feel safe with him in this respect, even though he was so unpredictable and volatile in other ways. I had made my needs and expectations very clear to him. One of them was that we would be monogamous.

One of the most devastating things about the way he cheated on me/discarded me was that he remained sexually involved with me right up until the point when he got together with his new girlfriend. That was a serious violation of the boundaries I had set. It was also completely unexpected. It triggered all sorts of terrible feelings that I found very difficult to cope with. I felt used and polluted, just as I had after the original assault. When I tried to talk with him about exactly how this had made me feel, I could tell from his reaction that for a while he had forgotten about the assault, forgotten everything I'd ever told him about what I was and wasn't comfortable with. (His memory was unreliable like this over a lot of emotive subjects - if he didn't want to face something or it didn't fit his understanding of events, he'd just clean forget it.) And the knowledge that this man I'd trusted could forget my history the second it was no longer convenient for him to remember it was shattering. So was his angry reaction to me telling him why I was hurt. He exploded, "So basically you're accusing me of sexual abuse. I'm not going to tolerate that at all." But I hadn't been accusing him of sexual abuse, I'd been telling him that he had not been thoughtful in how he'd handled the situation. I was so afraid of his fury that I immediately began telling him how kind and supportive he'd always been over this, even though I was in incredible pain and really wasn't in a position to be soothing anyone else. He curtly ended the conversation (this was over Facebook messenger) with, "I'm going now." There was never an apology, or any recognition that my hurt was legitimate or that he'd done anything wrong.

I've made a lot of progress in the year since this happened, but I still feel sick at the thought of allowing anyone to touch me ever again. I know that not all men are going to behave like him, but logic just doesn't come into it - I can't reason myself out of these feelings.

I don't know what support or advice I expect from anyone here. I have no purpose in making this thread other than to share what happened to me, because only one person in my offline life knows and she's four thousand miles away. I just felt like I needed to talk about it.

[balletomane]

This is quite a sensitive topic for me and I hesitated before posting it.

I was sexually assaulted when I was ten years old. It was a one-off assault by a stranger in a park, and while obviously I was very badly shaken up by the incident, it didn't really start to take a toll on me psychologically until I was a teenager. I think this was because all my peers were suddenly talking about dating and relationships, and I found the idea of sex pretty frightening and violating.

My first serious boyfriend was very understanding and supportive of these issues and I had counselling, which really helped to resolve my fears. However, partly because of that horrible experience and partly just because of my own personality, I realised that I would never be comfortable with casual sex and that I would have to be in a committed trusting relationship to feel OK and safe with it.

I talked about this with my ex with BPD when we got together. He was also very supportive and he never pressured me. I did feel safe with him in this respect, even though he was so unpredictable and volatile in other ways. I had made my needs and expectations very clear to him. One of them was that we would be monogamous.

One of the most devastating things about the way he cheated on me/discarded me was that he remained sexually involved with me right up until the point when he got together with his new girlfriend. That was a serious violation of the boundaries I had set. It was also completely unexpected. It triggered all sorts of terrible feelings that I found very difficult to cope with. I felt used and polluted, just as I had after the original assault. When I tried to talk with him about exactly how this had made me feel, I could tell from his reaction that for a while he had forgotten about the assault, forgotten everything I'd ever told him about what I was and wasn't comfortable with. (His memory was unreliable like this over a lot of emotive subjects - if he didn't want to face something or it didn't fit his understanding of events, he'd just clean forget it.) And the knowledge that this man I'd trusted could forget my history the second it was no longer convenient for him to remember it was shattering. So was his angry reaction to me telling him why I was hurt. He exploded, "So basically you're accusing me of sexual abuse. I'm not going to tolerate that at all." But I hadn't been accusing him of sexual abuse, I'd been telling him that he had not been thoughtful in how he'd handled the situation. I was so afraid of his fury that I immediately began telling him how kind and supportive he'd always been over this, even though I was in incredible pain and really wasn't in a position to be soothing anyone else. He curtly ended the conversation (this was over Facebook messenger) with, "I'm going now." There was never an apology, or any recognition that my hurt was legitimate or that he'd done anything wrong.

I've made a lot of progress in the year since this happened, but I still feel sick at the thought of allowing anyone to touch me ever again. I know that not all men are going to behave like him, but logic just doesn't come into it - I can't reason myself out of these feelings.

I don't know what support or advice I expect from anyone here. I have no purpose in making this thread other than to share what happened to me, because only one person in my offline life knows and she's four thousand miles away. I just felt like I needed to talk about it.

[peace74]

I'm sorry to hear you experienced that.  It sucks that when trying to express your feelings to him he made you feel worse by his reaction.  I know what you mean about him forgetting things you tell them.  Mine would not only do that but he would say he "forgot" or couldn't "remember" when he was caught doing something when he had a memory about other things important to him that was sharp and clear.  But I can honestly say I could tell some things he could not remember.  It was hard trying to figure out if he was being manipulative or was just in denial as a protective defense or if he truly didn't remember.   

Mine never seemed that interested in anything about me.  I stopped sharing things with him.  He never asked and when I did share things he never asked more questions or for more information.  He would tell the same stories about his life that were important to him over and over.  I told my therapist after he left that I just felt like he wasn't seeing or treating me like a person.  Like I was being looked over or right through.  He would also misinterpret what I said and get angry.  I could not bring up anything negative no matter how nice or diplomatic I was.  He took it as a personal attack and shut down.  He might say he was sorry if he did something that hurt me but we couldn't talk about it and he acted like it didn't happen.

Sorry.  I wish you could get the understanding and validation from him you wanted.

Maybe this issue will just take time.  Intimacy, bonding and trust are tied directly to sex.  He has violated these things and it may take time to heal.  You may also meet a person that gives you all the things you need to feel differently about.

[rfriesen]

balletomane,

I'm sorry to hear of your pain. I've found the callousness of my ex BPD partner hard to process as well. Obviously I can't speak for your situation, but my experience has been that my ex just seems incapable of facing hurtful things she did. Her mind either blocks them out or comes up with excuses. I can only try to imagine how the pain is compounded when you've trusted your partner with the story of your sexual assault and with respecting what you need from him to feel safe in that respect.

Although I don't have that painful background, I still hurt from my ex's inability to acknowledge the pain she causes. She reached out to tonight - after about a month of no contact - to tell me she was driving away from her new person's place and all she could think about was being with me. I let her know that her lack of boundaries with other men was always a problem for us, and she finally even admitted to pursuing other men while we were together. But does she apologise or at least acknowledge it was wrong? Her response: "But I never had feelings for anyone else. You can't try to tell me I did."

As if that makes it any better! It's sad -- I think she actually cannot process the emotions that rise up when she feels she's done something that's making someone "abandon" her. Her mind needs to make it like that wrong never happened - or wasn't wrong - so that she can be the one to rage and push away if need be. She's truly in a lot of emotional pain, so much of the time. It hurts me to think about it, but there's nothing I can do about it without ruining myself.

I hope you can learn to trust again and feel safe with someone who deserves it. Again, I know I can only try to imagine the feelings of violation that you've experienced. But I can certainly relate to the callousness of a partner who just won't face the hurtful things they've done.

[patientandclear]

Balletomane--I feel similarly. I was not sexually assaulted but a combination of betrayals by men who gained my trust, formed a sexual r/ship with me and then abruptly betrayed me emotionally when I would never have imagined it possible, had set me up for pretty profound mistrust of men and "romance." Making myself sexually vulnerable with my BPD ex was a major leap of faith and took great trust. I now feel like the trust was procured falsely and the image that has occurred persistently in trauma therapy is that of rape.

Like you I can't imagine letting anyone touch me again. How I would suspend my disbelief that I could trust and have that trust not be violated, I have no idea. Because my ex SEEMED the soul of trustworthiness. We had been friends and respected each other a lot for years. Etc.

Like you, I confided my past hurts about all this. Like the man you are describing, my ex forgot crucial pieces of my story. Recently he asked me if he had ever told me about a particular story he loves. Actually, he read me the story when we were lying together in bed in the most poignant close union I've ever felt with another person. He had actually forgotten this. I'm certain this was sincere. He says it happens a lot (that he forgets things you would expect him to remember).

This is all just really hard to deal with. I'm sorry you trusted someone who proved so untrustworthy, and hope you do experience physical closeness again with someone who will prove worthy of your leap of faith.