Moving from confusion to Understanding

[Franchesca]

Hello, I have just recently discovered BPD, my 19 year old daughter presents with BPD.
I am trying desperately to learn as much as I can. My question is? When my daughter has an episode which is full of rage and unacceptable threats towards her sister and her friend. Once calmed down we have spoke about the event and my daughter feels bad about her threats but has no intention of apologising or acknowledging the episode with her older sister and her friend. I am so torn how to address this? Do I punish her for her unacceptable behavior towards her older sister and her friend?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Franchesca]

I have only come across BPD and stongly feel my youngest daughter, 19 years old displays most of the criteria for BPD. Life has been difficult for the last 6 years for her and our family. For the first time we finally feel that we can work through this together, as before we were flying bindly, desperately trying to find some way of coping. Madly try to read and watch as much information as possible. Already starting to adjust my understanding and approach. With a positive response already. I feel like we have been doing a five thousand piece puzzle for 6 years and we are slowly getting a picture! For years everyone around us stated " kick her out, etc... ." but I knew in my heart there was something more to it. My daughter is the most beautiful person in the world, but when her emotions are heightened there doesnt seem to be any control, and this is when her personal relationships have faltered.

[Turkish]

Hello Franchesca,



When you say "unacceptable" what are the threats specifically?

It's actually good that you can talk when she has returned to baseline emotional stability.  Even so,  she isn't likely to admit to wrong,  even if she feels deep down that what she did crossed a line.  Admitting fault may be like admitting she is a bad person.  People with BPD suffer from a core sense of shame, which is powerful, and can be emotionally debilitating, resulting in acting out behaviors. Given often uncontrollable emotions, when someone is dysregulating, all bets are of,  as it were.

Given that you can communicate with her,  a better tact might be validating her feelings, followed up by asserting your boundaries.  If you both agree that she acted the way she did, you can acknowledge that she feels like she shouldn't apologize (think back how hard this was when they were little and small enough to restrain them!). Validation isn't approval, but implicitly saying "I hear you." Boundaries come next,  defining what is acceptable. This is your home,  and you are in charge of it being a safe place for all.  

There are a lessons here (take a look at the right margin), but let me throw out a workshop of boundaries.  Give a read and tell us what you think?

1.08 | Boundaries - examples

Communicating our boundaries is a way which doesn't trigger emotional dysregulation or worse behavior is the next step (and we will help you here).

Turkish

[Franchesca]

Hello Franchesca,



When you say "unacceptable" what are the threats specifically?

It's actually good that you can talk when she has returned to baseline emotional stability.  Even so,  she isn't likely to admit to wrong,  even if she feels deep down that what she did crossed a line.  Admitting fault may be like admitting she is a bad person.  People with BPD suffer from a core sense of shame, which is powerful, and can be emotionally debilitating, resulting in acting out behaviors. Given often uncontrollable emotions, when someone is dysregulating, all bets are of,  as it were.

Given that you can communicate with her,  a better tact might be validating her feelings, followed up by asserting your boundaries.  If you both agree that she acted the way she did, you can acknowledge that she feels like she shouldn't apologize (think back how hard this was when they were little and small enough to restrain them!). Validation isn't approval, but implicitly saying "I hear you." Boundaries come next,  defining what is acceptable. This is your home,  and you are in charge of it being a safe place for all.  

There are a lessons here (take a look at the right margin), but let me throw out a workshop of boundaries.  Give a read and tell us what you think?

1.08 | Boundaries - examples

Communicating our boundaries is a way which doesn't trigger emotional dysregulation or worse behavior is the next step (and we will help you here).

Turkish

Thank u Turkish

Unacceptable threat was for her sisters friend to leave or she would kick her new car. The friend lives 5 hours away and this was at 10pm at night?

[Gorges]

So a threat to personal property not safety.  That is a relief... .I feel that if the friend left that would reinforce your daughter's behavior.  Let her kick the car and pay for the damages.  If you try and calm her down or spend too much time figuring this out you are solving her problem for her (see adopt a problem solving model) on the right.  Unfortunately, kids see a lot of this garbage on reality TV and think it is normal. 

[Turkish]

Step back a bit... .it sounds like she is jealous, no?

pwBPD (people with BPD) fear abandonment.

Though this behavior isn't acceptable, can you validate her feelings to begin with without judgment?

"So why did you want to kick her car?"

See here for more: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

This is very difficult to step back from heightened emotions and get to the root of things, but we can help take it step-by-step.

[Franchesca]

Step back a bit... .it sounds like she is jealous, no?

pwBPD (people with BPD) fear abandonment.

Though this behavior isn't acceptable, can you validate her feelings to begin with without judgment?

"So why did you want to kick her car?"

See here for more: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

This is very difficult to step back from heightened emotions and get to the root of things, but we can help take it step-by-step.

I have decided to write in an exercise book each time there is an unacceptable behaviour. The result of the behaviour on others in our home. The consequence of the behaviour and my limit/boundary in the home.

Quite often I have let  behaviours slide because quite frankly there can be many, but I feel at this stage I should write them down, so I can set a consequence each time. Writing it down makes it clearer for me and BPD daughter and helps everyone in the home to see that the behaviour will not be accepted.

[Franchesca]

I have decided to write in an exercise book each time there is an unacceptable behaviour. The result of the behaviour  in our home. The consequence of the behaviour and my limit/boundary in the home.

Quite often I have let  behaviours slide because quite frankly there can be many, but I feel at this stage I should write them down, so I can set a consequence each time. Writing it down makes it clearer for me and BPD daughter and helps everyone in the home to see that the behaviour will not be accepted.

[Franchesca]

After showing my daughter my book of behaviour, boundaries and consequences she has become quite distressed. Yelling, crying, demanding that I cant do this. Yelling that I have to punish her sister for past mistakes made. Expressing that I have ruined her Easter, gone off crying and put my book through the shredder. Its hard to be strong, hold true to my boundaries when it seems to distress her so much. She looks like I have betrayed her.

[Franchesca]

After showing my daughter my book of behaviour, boundaries and consequences she has become quite distressed. Yelling, crying, demanding that I cant do this. Yelling that I have to punish her sister for past mistakes made. Expressing that I have ruined her Easter, gone off crying and put my book through the shredder. Its hard to be strong, hold true to my boundaries when it seems to distress her so much. She looks like I have betrayed her.

I have calmy tried to speak with her and let her know I love and care about her and that I need to set boundaries with consequences and her distressed reply is that she hates me and will make my life and her sisters hell if I take any money off her.

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that happened,  and on Easter Weekend no less. 

What's done is done,  but we've had pwBPD on the boards throw things back in our faces,  even using simple things like validation "I can see you're using tricks" and such.  A lot of this communication works best when subtle. 

It sounds like you may at your wits end and very frustrated. Stepping back to let things cool off is probably a good idea at this point. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Franchesca]

I'm sorry that happened,  and on Easter Weekend no less. 

What's done is done,  but we've had pwBPD on the boards throw things back in our faces,  even using simple things like validation "I can see you're using tricks" and such.  A lot of this communication works best when subtle. 

It sounds like you may at your wits end and very frustrated. Stepping back to let things cool off is probably a good idea at this point. 

Ive definitely stepped back now. Things went worse from that point. She grabbed a kitchen knife, locked herself in her room. Played this suicide music loudly. I took a moment then went and knocked on her door as it was locked. No reponse! I text her that I needed to know if she was ok? Could she please open the door? I could hear her crying! I retrieved my key but the door wouldnt open because her key was on the other side. I phoned the police.

They arrived asked her to open the door. Theyy spoke with her. Came to me asked my version of the events. Told me they didn't believe she is a threat to herself or me and left.

She remained in her room and sent me a text saying I had betrayed her, and she is getting another job and moving out.

I replied that I was feel quite upset and hurt and needed some time.
She appears very angry at me.

Im heart broken, and distraught. My hisband works away. 26 days on, 9 days off

[Turkish]

It's been a few days.  How are things currently?