Always fantasizing about how it could work out in the future

[ziniztar]

What is it that makes me fantasize about the future so much. Avoiding pain in the present, I guess. Then why do I always write text messages or letters or e-mails to old bf's right after the break-up AND months after, on how it could work in the future. Am I forever stuck in the bargaining phase?

The only event that causes me to stop doing this is me finding someone else or him finding someone else. Do I always need to have someone that I am (emotionally) attached to, or else I feel... what, lonely?

Does anyone recognize this?

Quick background info; mom died when I was 5. Possible NPD father. Unavailable stepmother. At least 1 uNPDxbf and 1 dBPDxbf. Ended the r/s myself with the last one 2 weeks ago, but I keep feeling the need to send him reassuring texts that this is not neccisarily the end. It annoys me.

[fromheeltoheal]

What is it that makes me fantasize about the future so much. Avoiding pain in the present, I guess.

Fantasizing gets a bad rap, and if we create an inner fantasy world to avoid reality, then maybe it deserves that rap, although fantasy for fantasy's sake is pretty innocuous as long as we realize what we're doing.

But visualizing the future?  Now that's a good thing.  By visualizing a life of our dreams, embodying our goals, it gives us a direction, a way to move forward, a place to put our forward steps.  A problem is getting stuck in a timeframe, past, present or future, but using the future as a compass while we live in the present is a good thing.

The only event that causes me to stop doing this is me finding someone else or him finding someone else. Do I always need to have someone that I am (emotionally) attached to, or else I feel... what, lonely?

Or maybe you feel like you lack a sense of self, an identity, when you aren't attached?  Sorry, I don't know you or your story, but that just reminded me of a BPD trait.  I can spend a lot of time alone and not feel lonely, but a lot of people don't like that, and a large part of who we are is who we are in relationship with others.  Not a bad thing, but does it always have to be a romantic relationship or can you get socialization needs met with friends?

[going places]

What is it that makes me fantasize about the future so much. Avoiding pain in the present, I guess. Then why do I always write text messages or letters or e-mails to old bf's right after the break-up AND months after, on how it could work in the future. Am I forever stuck in the bargaining phase?

Conquer your fears.

I was in a 'loop' of bargaining.

I was stuck in the "omg my life will never be like I had dreamed / imagined / planned... ." so out of fear I tried to bargain, negotiate with, etc the ex and it was always me left hurting.

When I threw him out, blocked him from ALL forms of communication (except email, because I can look at that at my leisure) and CHANGED my thought process... .then I stopped the merry-go-round of 'what if's'.

It has been wonderful.

The only event that causes me to stop doing this is me finding someone else or him finding someone else. Do I always need to have someone that I am (emotionally) attached to, or else I feel... what, lonely?

For me, the ex did so much damage to me... .I do NOT want 'someone else'... .my 'fear' is I am not ready to discern a turd from a genuine person, and I do NOT want to go thru what I just went thru for the last 25 years.

If I need 'human contact / interaction' I get that from work and my adult kids.

If I had the time, I'd volunteer, and there also is where I would fulfill my need for human contact / relationships.

I need to heal me, get to know me, get used to setting boundaries AND sticking to them, discover my gifts and talents, passions and desires.

I need to be a healthy, joyfilled, content human before I even THINK about spending time with someone else.

I don't EVER EVER EVER want to be abused like I was by the ex EVER again.

Does anyone recognize this?

Quick background info; mom died when I was 5. Possible NPD father. Unavailable stepmother. At least 1 uNPDxbf and 1 dBPDxbf. Ended the r/s myself with the last one 2 weeks ago, but I keep feeling the need to send him reassuring texts that this is not neccisarily the end. It annoys me.

I have abandonment issues, due to childhood abuse/issues.

It used to be my greatest fear... .and the ex preyed on that fear and used it like a double edged weapon against me.

The Lord tells me, He will never leave me or forsake me, and that He has plans to prosper me, not harm me... .

And I believe Him.

Scripture and prayer have helped me really take huge steps away from fear.

[Grey Kitty]

What is it that makes me fantasize about the future so much. Avoiding pain in the present, I guess. Then why do I always write text messages or letters or e-mails to old bf's right after the break-up AND months after, on how it could work in the future. Am I forever stuck in the bargaining phase?

The only event that causes me to stop doing this is me finding someone else or him finding someone else. Do I always need to have someone that I am (emotionally) attached to, or else I feel... what, lonely?

Does anyone recognize this?

I sure recognize this.



Mine might be a little different. Instead of fantasizing about future... .I think I cling more to the past, or an idealized version of the past... .and assume that it will roll on into the future without really dwelling there much.

For me, it is a way to avoid making tough decisions in the present moment. At least I'm pretty sure that's what it does for me.

Time to be gentle with myself over it... .and then sit myself down back at the tough decision again.

As Skip has said here... .along with other people I respect a great deal. Good mental health is HARD. Here I go again... .Tears of Divine Intervention. They happen when I deeply take care of myself.