I'm being stalked now...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It is exactly as the title says... .

I am nearing 6 months NC and have truly heard nothing from my exBPDbf the entire time because I'm well, NC. He is blocked on everything I can think of.

However earlier this morning I heard from my friend that he is beginning to stalk her. Which in turn he is stalking me and the pictures of her and I that she posts, not many but enough.

I would always talk about her to him, her and I are best friends. He started following her blog and liking all of her really old archived posts.

At first I think she thought it was me, but after a look it's him using my icons and such to fool her.

I'm not afraid of myself, I do not intend to respond to this by confrontation or any other means. The problem is that my paranoia wound is right back open and I am afraid it'll be taken further (by him). I do not want to live in "around the corner" fear.

She blocked him right away... . but was this extreme attempt to string me really necessary?

I am able to eat but I feel incredibly nauseous like I might throw up and get the chills/shakes. L3 posters all talk about how their exes contact them eventually. I didn't think it'd happen to me.  Is there something I can do or rest assure upon?

[confetti]

It is exactly as the title says... .

I am nearing 6 months NC and have truly heard nothing from my exBPDbf the entire time because I'm well, NC. He is blocked on everything I can think of.

However earlier this morning I heard from my friend that he is beginning to stalk her. Which in turn he is stalking me and the pictures of her and I that she posts, not many but enough.

I would always talk about her to him, her and I are best friends. He started following her blog and liking all of her really old archived posts.

At first I think she thought it was me, but after a look it's him using my icons and such to fool her.

I'm not afraid of myself, I do not intend to respond to this by confrontation or any other means. The problem is that my paranoia wound is right back open and I am afraid it'll be taken further (by him). I do not want to live in "around the corner" fear.

She blocked him right away... . but was this extreme attempt to string me really necessary?

I am able to eat but I feel incredibly nauseous like I might throw up and get the chills/shakes. L3 posters all talk about how their exes contact them eventually. I didn't think it'd happen to me.  Is there something I can do or rest assure upon?

[laelle]

Hey Confetti,

I know the feeling of fearing your weakness will approach you.  Its like being an alcoholic and being afraid someone will offer you a nice cold ale.

You have to rest assure upon yourself and what you want out of your life.  As you say he is BPD, and he might bounce back and forth.  He could try to reach out. 

My ex took off and hasnt come back so I cant say for sure. 

Stay calm and dont panic.  You cant make good decisions for yourself if you do.  How do you feel about him possibly reaching out to you?

[confetti]

How do I feel about him reaching out... .

Honestly it makes me feel like *that* person who is terrified of girl scouts knocking after hearing them at a neighbors.

I love some gs cookies but I am like "please! i don't want any! i don't need it! boy i hope they don't ring my doorbell" "oh my gosh its gonna ring" "well it rang i'm doomed"

I am gonna be given puppy eyes if I open the door and he's gonna say buy my thin mints!


No! !1

(Ur cookies are overpriced)

!

[laelle]

I prefer the Samoas 

[confetti]

In all seriousness, you are right. I need to breathe.

Panicking is really bad as far as decision making goes.

Will he go away though? Why isn't my NC working?

Maybe he didn't think I'm serious and is just testing it, even if it is really late to be doing it... .

I am really not one of the people who are hoping for contact through silent treatment.

(Samoas are so good)

[Validation78]

Hi Confetti!

I understand your concern as I live with it as well. Like you, I refuse to live in fear, however that does not mean that I am not cautious and diligent regarding being safe and always aware of my surroundings. I work hard to keep it in proper perspective, and not give more attention to it than I need.

You have done everything in your power to block him from your life, and should continue to do so. Don't allow yourself to be in any compromising situations, and make those around you aware of your concerns. Trust that you will be alright, and do your best to lead your life as you wish. Most of us here hope that if we don't give them any reason to believe that we will respond to the attempts to reach out to us, that they will move onto the next person. I think for most, that has proven true.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[confetti]

Thank you, Validation78... . that is sound advice that really reinforces my devising.

I told some friends that it might concern, they were very understanding and will help eliminate any possibility of contact if it arises.

I do sort of feel (he is not the beautiful narcissus) that this is coming out of a lack of people to latch onto, which is why I am so sick and frightened.

So you think if I just continue to hold tight that in time a person will come along?

Seriously I genuinely hope he/she is great so I can unplug my ears and open my eyes it feels like I am hiding from the fuzz. I can't take enough bubblebaths to relax myself.

[Murbay]

Confetti, I understand how difficult it must feel right now and you just need to keep reminding yourself of how far you have come since you first detached.

It is very unclear what his motives are right now, whether he just wants to check in or as you also said, because he can't find anyone to latch on to. Stay strong, stand firm and he will soon move on to someone else and away from your life.

My ex is going through the process of playing weekly games so I do understand how daunting and worrisome it is. You have a great network here and plenty of support beside you. Again, stay firm and stick with your NC, he will move on because from what I have experienced, pwBPD don't wait around on the off chance you might change your mind. His fears are too strong for that so if you aren't responding, he will move on quickly.

[Cumulus]

Hi confetti, I'm not quite sure what it is you fear, or if you fear at all. I can really relate to the paranoia. For a year I thought he was able to hear what was being said in the house. If friends came over I'd be shushing them and asking them go outside to talk to me. I'm pretty much over that, thank goodness. It's been over two years for me that I have maintained NC, for my own sanity, but he continues to harass me in little ways. The last time he made actual contact was in January or February of this year. That was a " loving" card left in my mailbox. I am certain he comes around my house, I find things like the shed door left open or garden ornaments moved. I follow certain rituals, checking the placement of things at night and again in the morning, positioning the slides on my shed in a certain position and leaving things by doors so I can see if they have been moved. It is an awful way to live. I have my ( was our ) house for sale as I think part of it is that he still feels it is his although it came to me in the divorce agreement. I also have a security camera up and did once see him on it. I did a RO  but it was ineffective. I know he comes around when he is between love interests and goes away when he is working on a new one. I was always there for him and he doesn't or won't understand that things have changed. Like we're divorced.

I was afraid for a long time for my safety but that has largely passed, he was never into guns or weaponry and is cowardly. I guess what I fear most now is the effect on my mental health, that feeling of looking over your shoulder to see if you're being watched. A feeling that you just can't shake him off. Frigging Velcro man he is.

So if you find any answers, please share. I would really like to hear them.

[fromheeltoheal]

It may not be all bad confetti.  I got an email from my BPD ex after about 9 months NC, and silly me I read it, but my feelings were mixed.  It did stir up my emotions a little, not too bad, but the biggest thing was I didn't know a thing about BPD when I left her, hadn't even heard of it, and after stumbling on it, reading all about it, and connecting BPD traits to my ex extremely accurately, and of course reading many, many similar stories here, the email became very transparent.  She apologized for her behavior, she said she'd pay me the money she owns me, yadda, yadda, but the attempts at further manipulation and devaluing were clear as day, and I found myself not only grateful for all the learning I've done but also feeling sorta sorry for her.  And of course a little pissed at myself for putting up with it as long as I did, but the whole thing was pretty pathetic, and the contrast since the time had passed was stark.  

It ultimately made me feel pretty good, that I'm on the right path with my own healing, and she's one disordered cookie.  I don't necessarily recommend it, complete NC is probably better, but if it does happen, there may be some feel-good in it for you.

[Take2]

I feel your paranoia Confetti... .

I get stalked online at worked all day and questioned incessantly.  Our IM system at work is a stalkers dream.  And when he sees any male coworkers icon show an "away" status,  he immediately questions if they came to talk to me.

I have been stalked at my gym, at parties for work and even happy hours I didn't go to (he'd rather stalk me to prove I am lying than stalk me to actually see that I am going exactly where I said I was... . )

Its scarey stuff.  I am CONSTANTLY looking over my shoulder at work.

It suuuucks.

I can't focus. And everyone there thinks he's such a great guy... .

I am trying so hard to just move forward and live a happy life.  I can't wait to NOT feel so paranoid anymore.

[Katsky]

Sorry hear this, confetti.

I'm being stalked too by uBPDexgf, since early May. It's hell. When I asked her to stop, she wrote a crazy letter and then called the police. You're dealing with person whose emotions and responses are severely confused and damaging.

Avoid contact, if possible, and keep going!

[confetti]

I want to respond to all of these but there is a limit to how much I can type on my phone... .

I also am responding so much later because I am just simply stressed by this. I feel like I should be grateful that it isn't extreme, I cannot imagine having stuff moved in my house or to have a program that keeps tabs with fellow workers. I can relate to to the letter/ police thing. My heart goes out to all of you.

What is eating me is that I feel like I am in deep trouble.

A while ago (last month) his friend actually messaged me and I responded, only it says my location on facebook and I forgot to turn it off. I am foolish. He didn't want me to be where I am at now. I don't care what he thinks, but I feel like I am being chased now.

I didn't even say anything, the friend said hi and I said hi back. He didn't want me to be friends with him, but I am friendly. The friend could have told him, I imagine that started this.

I mostly feel sorry, or sinful. I didn't even do anything wrong. I was just trying to break free of feeling controlled, and to do what I want to.

[Take2]

The control they have over us is so hard to break free of - even as we are trying so hard to break free of it and do things that NORMAL people do - like say hello to someone on Facebook - they still control us to a certain extent.  I actually had a conversation with a male coworker on Friday.  I've been stressed all weekend about it.  Seriously - because I spoke to a man at work.  That's INSANE.  On my part.  But the paranoia is now real and as much as I feel strong on some days and decide that I am going to take my own life back and act like a normal person would, when that translates into me actually doing something that my ex will get angry about, I too am wildly affected. 

Do you have a therapist?  Has he/she helped you along with this/offered insight or tips on how to proceed?

It might be best if you just flat out avoid FB altogether for a while.  I'm not sure where you are at that your ex wouldn't want you to be - can you go onto FB and delete that posting somehow to remove the location? 

Can you talk to someone (ie police, other authorities) if you believe yourself to be in deep trouble?

That sounds very concerning... .

[confetti]

The control they have over us is so hard to break free of - even as we are trying so hard to break free of it and do things that NORMAL people do - like say hello to someone on Facebook - they still control us to a certain extent.  I actually had a conversation with a male coworker on Friday.  I've been stressed all weekend about it.  Seriously - because I spoke to a man at work.  That's INSANE.  On my part.  But the paranoia is now real and as much as I feel strong on some days and decide that I am going to take my own life back and act like a normal person would, when that translates into me actually doing something that my ex will get angry about, I too am wildly affected.  

Do you have a therapist?  Has he/she helped you along with this/offered insight or tips on how to proceed?

It might be best if you just flat out avoid FB altogether for a while.  I'm not sure where you are at that your ex wouldn't want you to be - can you go onto FB and delete that posting somehow to remove the location?  

Can you talk to someone (ie police, other authorities) if you believe yourself to be in deep trouble?

That sounds very concerning... .

I do not like therapists. I can't afford one anyway. >_<

I wouldn't want to pay for one when its only paranoia. I'm fairly strong.

That made me feel much better, its pretty much the same; our situation. You understand the terrifying feelings, really. I don't feel alone in this then. It just FEELS like deep trouble. Not actual deep trouble. I'm sorry it came of that way. I'm highly nervous.

How would your ex know you spoke? I understand the program, but I thought it only represented availability?

Thank you. It was just a message. I am over the facebook aspect, i don't post either. I actually am usually deactivated.

I guess its as simple as my own aloofness surprising me? I am not in a scary place! He just didn't want me with extended family in another state. We do not live near each other, thank goodness.

Just fear. He has threatened me before NC, but he is a coward. Simply just freaking out over ideas. Is that weak? I mean its possible! But kinda out there. He is still lurking around friends, and I didn't expect that, so maybe not too out there. He's threatened to kill me states away before.

I don't know.

[Validation78]

Hey Confetti!

If you are really feeling fearful, perhaps you should call a domestic violence hotline. It doesn't cost anything and they may have some additional suggestions as to precautions you can take to stay safe. If you need a referral to one near you, let me know and I will get you a number!

My T recommended a book called "The Gift of Fear" which I am finding very interesting. To make a long story short, the crux of the message is to be more in tune with your gut instincts. When we listen to the messages that our bodies and minds give us, we are more apt to stay safe, and avoid the real dangers that surround us, even without ex partners to contend with!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[confetti]

Hey Confetti!

If you are really feeling fearful, perhaps you should call a domestic violence hotline. It doesn't cost anything and they may have some additional suggestions as to precautions you can take to stay safe. If you need a referral to one near you, let me know and I will get you a number!

My T recommended a book called "The Gift of Fear" which I am finding very interesting. To make a long story short, the crux of the message is to be more in tune with your gut instincts. When we listen to the messages that our bodies and minds give us, we are more apt to stay safe, and avoid the real dangers that surround us, even without ex partners to contend with!

Best Wishes,

Val78

I will look into that book, it would give me something to keep my mind off and perhaps slow me down a little. A very good suggestion!

I will take you up on the hotline if I find that anything worsens. Hopefully not; I am about ready to start praying.

Thank you ! 

[confetti]

I appreciate all of the help, bpdfamily is the best family. 

[Take2]

How would your ex know you spoke? I understand the program, but I thought it only represented availability?

Just fear. He has threatened me before NC, but he is a coward. Simply just freaking out over ideas. Is that weak? I mean its possible! But kinda out there. He is still lurking around friends, and I didn't expect that, so maybe not too out there. He's threatened to kill me states away before.

My ex likely wouldn't know if I spoke to a male coworker - but he has many times walked up behind me at work to watch what I am doing over my shoulder.  He has walked up and demanded to see my messages.  I have shown them because I do not do anything wrong or inappropriate but by doing so gave him more power of me and the situation clearly.  He is also so observant, he picks up the most subtle clues about people.  It's almost like he has esp - but he doesn't.  He is just very very good at reading people.  I have read others on this site who have noted that about their partners. 

I think that book suggestion is very good and will go pick that one up myself.

And I gotta tell you, if anyone ever threatened to kill me, I'd probably never lose sight of that fear.  I am glad to hear you are so strong and hope that you stay strong!

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're having to feel this fear confetti. I felt this same fear for some time after my break up too. I was put in a ituation where I needed to obtain a restraining order and did. After that I had no problems at home. I have run into my ex several times over the years and no longer feel that pang of fear when I see her. I found once I let go of the fear she no longer had any power over me. It's easy to say let go of that fear and then really do it. It takes a while for our minds to slow down and relax after threats are made towards us.

If you have that threat to your life in writting via text, email or by voicemail you can report it, it leaves a paper trail if nothing else. It can give you a little more sense of control. I assure you the authorities don't take these threats lightly. Past that practicing some mindfulness when you are feeling this fear can help the anxiety. Taking some deep breaths, becoming very aware of your surroundings, the feel of a chair your sitting in or simply wiggling your toes can help bring you right to the here and now and help center you. Rminding youself while doing this that all is well and you are safe is helpful too. This will pass.