Help for my BPD ex. who is in ill health and drinking heavily

[KAW]

Hi, I split with my ex partner a few months ago as his raging and aggression towards me were making me ill. It broke my heart to do this as I love and care for him very much, but after a year of his heavy drinking and deterioratiing mental health my own health was really suffering. We have a mutual friend who I talk with regularly and know that his health carries on deteriorating, he is drinking far more, about a bottle of whisky a day and though previously very fit and active, now lies in bed all day and barely eats. He tells my friend that he just wants to die naturally (we did have a lot of suicide threats in the last year). He is not diagnosed BPD, but in my efforts to understand his problems and to help I have found that this is definitely his problem, he is textbook. He is though diagnosed with Alzheimers, this may be playing a part but from what I have experienced over 2 and 1/2 years, his problems seem BPD. Please could you advise as our friend and I am concerned that he is not willing to try and get help and is starving and drinking himself to death. If he could overcome the depression maybe things could go differently for him. Is there any help out there, we have tried the mh team who say he needs to ask them himself and he won't.

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[Mutt]

Hi KAW,



I think that you have something with depression. What I mean is put yourself in his shoes and imagine being told that you have a very serious mental illness and the most difficult personality disorder at that! I’m not suggesting that you’re going to tell him that you think that he has BPD.

Depression and anxiety are more widely acceptable in our society there is a lot shame and druggist attached to it than BPD. We still have a lot ne way to go with mental illness. I have anxiety disorder, panic disorder and depression, I’m anonymous on these boards and zonât a select few in real life do I tell them about my anxiety disorder because I find that most don’t understand or don’t care to. Plus I would never divulge this information to my employers for the risk of getting fired.

Most but not all pwBPD have an underlying clinical depression and some pwBPD have chemical or alcohol dependency as well, before BPD is treated therapist usually address the depression and substance abuse issues because once that that is under control it lessens the symptoms for BPD and it’s easier to adddress the disorder than if the symptoms are flared up.

You could suggest that you think that he’s depressed because it is widely accepted and carries little stigma compared to other mental illnesses in general. He may get help for himself and with that in mind that could put his foot in the door to get help and it might eventually lead to a diagnosis to other comorbid mental illnesses. I hope that helps.

[KAW]

Hello Mutt, thank you for your response. I am trying to get some help via the mhteam. I think you are right that depression is the main reason for going downhill now, trouble is he will not get help for it. We will carry on trying to get some help, it's very sad and frustrating to see him so poorly and be unable to help.

[Mutt]

Hi KAW,

It’s heartbreaking to hear. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I have a question for you, what do you do for self care?

[KAW]

Hello Mutt ~ I have had some therapy, 12 weeks, am going to a helpful group once a week now till March and reading stuff to help me understand my ex's behaviour and my own past damage (an emotionally abusive father).
I am getting there, doing some of my own 'mountain therapy' as in going up them and walking, is very restorative.
I still worry for my ex but not as obsessively, I have to accept that I couldn't help him or save the 'wonderful' part of our relationship, all very hard for a rescuer type. I realise I have to work on that, but it leaves me with a deep sadness.

[heartandwhole]

I still worry for my ex but not as obsessively, I have to accept that I couldn't help him or save the 'wonderful' part of our relationship, all very hard for a rescuer type. I realise I have to work on that, but it leaves me with a deep sadness.

I can really understand your worry, KAW. I'm sorry that this is happening. 

I think those are wise words above. At some point, we have to gently hand back the responsibility of our loved ones' lives back to them. It's hard and often heartbreaking. But it doesn't mean we can't extend that same hand to support them when/if they choose healing. Such a tough balance.

I like the idea of mountain therapy. I also found talk therapy helpful.

Does your partner have a friend/mentor he respects and listens to? Someone you could enlist as a support for him?

Hang in there. We're here for you.

heartandwhole