Now I am in therapy he is blaming me for the problems..

[connect]

Hi guys,

I have just started seeing a cbt therapist to aid me in adapting to a BPD r/s and to look at my own childhood/trust/codependancy issues. I have noticed a gradual creeping in of a new attitude from my b/f. He is subtly shifting the blame onto me for our difficulties by saying that I have issues and I am the "mad one" (in a jokey way) He does admit to him being messed up and him seeing a psychiatrist but keeps coming back to the problems being me. It's as though he relishes me seeing a T as it means there is nothing wrong with his behaviour. It's not hugely obvious he is going down this route but its happened enough for me to notice.

A typical convo this weekend was:

Him: So has the Therapy helped you?

Me: Yes -it's great - very interesting.

Him: Well that means you're the mad one! It's ok to be mad - you just need to accept it (smiling)

Me: Well you and I are both in the same boat there

Him: Not me! - You're the one seeing the Therapist!

Me: So are you. You have been seeing a Psychiatrist for six weeks. (?)

Him: (pausing) ... .oh yes... .

It's even as though he is starting to deny his own psychiatrist in his need to make it me that's the mad one!

I am concerned that this is an easy escape route for him to not deal with his side of the street and to justify his behaviours.

I guess I just need to focus on my T and not take any notice of my b/f's opinion of it.

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[123Phoebe]

Hi Connect

Sorry to hear about the conversational tit-for-tat

Guess I'm wondering what else the two of you did over the weekend "together" that brings some sort of balance and goodness into the relationship?  What makes it worth staying for?

I am concerned that this is an easy escape route for him to not deal with his side of the street and to justify his behaviours.

I guess I just need to focus on my T and not take any notice of my b/f's opinion of it.

Guess I wouldn't worry too much about the possible denial of his own part as much as awareness of my own and what I'm willing to accept.

[izzitme]

WOW!   I just posted yesterday that my bf diagnoses me as being mentally ill and pays for a therapist for me to get my issues fixed because it is the cause of all the problems in the relationship.  He takes ownership over nothing and blames me for everything.  I shared in a very intimate moment of trust some trauma from my past and now it has become a coat hook for all of my reactions to his push/pull behavior.  I do admit that I have work to do to grow myself to become even more mature and emotionally healthy, but I am by no means a mess. I willing go to the therapist because he is an expert in his field (EMDR) and very hard to get an appointment with.  It is a technique that helps to reconnect with past pain in order to experience it again and begin to process it logically. He also sent his ex- wife and son there.  Good for you to pursue optimal mental and emotional health; you are strong, he is being weak blaming you.  Keep a strong boundary and remember it is HIS issue, not yours.

[allibaba]

Guess I wouldn't worry too much about the possible denial of his own part as much as awareness of my own and what I'm willing to accept.

Hi Connect,

My approach to therapy/ my own issues is that its none of my hubby's damn business unless he is doing his own work on himself.  Even then I question the value of him being involved or hearing about my progress.  In other words, I don't even tell him if I go.  I don't tell him about this site.  I don't tell him about my role in the general issues of our relationship. 

At the end of the day, talk is cheap and he's only going to react to action.  I take the action to get myself better (moving away from co-dependent behaviors, implementing better communication tools, learning to feel more empathy for my husband).  I actually think that talking about making myself better to him is counter-productive.  In fact, its likely to be used against at the first dyregulation opportunity 

Any time my husband says that I am crazy... .I respond (honestly lovingly) OF COURSE, I':) HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO HAVE MARRIED YOU and I LOVE IT.

It takes the sting out of any of these types of discussions.  Phoebe is right, what matters is awareness of your own issues and acceptance for them. 

At the same time, I don't generally ask him what happened at his therapy.  Its none of my business.  I'll entertain discussions about 'his problems' if he initiates them and asks for my input.  At the end of the day, its not my job to fix him.  That's his job to fix himself.

[musicfan42]

Hi Connect,

My approach to therapy/ my own issues is that its none of my hubby's damn business unless he is doing his own work on himself.

Oh my god, thank you allibaba! That's exactly how I feel. I don't have a husband but any boyfriend I've had, I've felt that it was none of their business that I had gone to therapy etc... that it was private/nothing to do with them. I don't have to justify it to other people... I don't have to explain myself. They can either like me or lump me but that's it... .that's my bottom line.

connect-I think that was really cruel behavior on your boyfriend's part. It doesn't even make any logical sense because psychiatrists treat more severe cases than a CBT therapist. CBT doesn't even work on borderlines because they find it "too emotionally invalidating". I'm not saying there's anything wrong with psychiatrists-they're there for a reason too but the facts are, you're the emotionally healthier one connect and that's what is killing your boyfriend. I noticed that my BPDex couldn't stand the fact that I was relatively well-adjusted... I could sense his jealousy...

[Grey Kitty]

I haven't done individual T, but I can say one thing if I did it:

It would be none of my wife's business, and I wouldn't care how much T she was getting herself.

Just like what I do in this forum is none of her business.

Telling him that as nicely as you can is the your best bet, connect. He can try to play nasty mind games about this stuff. I hope you just step out of the game.

 GK

[Surnia]

When I started individual T for my own in my now divorced marriage, my exh tried to find out what is going on in my T lessons. It took me a while to realize he was very worried, and me having a T was something out of his control. I had similar conversations like yours.

Perhaps you can try to make clear in a friendly way that the T lessons are for you and not against him.