BPD mom is starting to squirm

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Now that there is a hearing set for "motion to enforce" and jail time is on the table, I can tell that BPD mom is squirming.  How do we know?  Well, clearly she is still in contact with DSS15 as he is asking for his dad to drop the charges and for all three of them to get into group therapy.  DSS15 is asking for all of the court stuff to just stop.

As if we can just do that... .

DSS15 was not talking to DH for his first week at our house; then yesterday DH finally just plopped himself in DSS's bedroom, and they finally talked.  DSS15 got some of his anger out, which he needed to do.  Then he texts DH in the middle of the night that he loves him but wants this court stuff to stop, and he wants contact back with his mom.

Um... .no can do.  But at least now we have a conversation starter as to how he can reduce the chances of getting BPD mom in trouble (such as getting rid of his phone)

I think both BPD mom and DSS15 are starting to realize that the game is about over.

[sanemom]

Now that there is a hearing set for "motion to enforce" and jail time is on the table, I can tell that BPD mom is squirming.  How do we know?  Well, clearly she is still in contact with DSS15 as he is asking for his dad to drop the charges and for all three of them to get into group therapy.  DSS15 is asking for all of the court stuff to just stop.

As if we can just do that... .

DSS15 was not talking to DH for his first week at our house; then yesterday DH finally just plopped himself in DSS's bedroom, and they finally talked.  DSS15 got some of his anger out, which he needed to do.  Then he texts DH in the middle of the night that he loves him but wants this court stuff to stop, and he wants contact back with his mom.

Um... .no can do.  But at least now we have a conversation starter as to how he can reduce the chances of getting BPD mom in trouble (such as getting rid of his phone)

I think both BPD mom and DSS15 are starting to realize that the game is about over.

[GaGrl]

That is potentially good movement for SS15... .movement for sure, and simply getting him off his stubbornly held position is a positive.

When is the hearing?

[bravhart1]

I think it's important to make sure you explain that BPDm knew this would be the outcome all along if she disregarded the judges order, and that the judge is forcing the motion not you. That the judge issued a request be filed by you and you can not go against judges orders like mom did, it's not ok.

Make sure he understands that BPDm KNEW ahead of time she was going to get herself in trouble but she in incapable of understanding logical consequences (that it's part of her illness) and this is why it can be very unwise to follow her down these roads, she does not understand being responsible for a poor outcome.

I would also express concern for mom, like "we are worried too about mom, and her inability to reason out problems. We hope she gets help because if she pulls this stuff on other people, like the false accusations etc, she may find herself in even more trouble with the law. And other people outside of this family aren't going to be as patient as we have been."

Then make sure he knows that you are very worried that if he doesn't start thinking for himself that he may get pulled into her disorder and hurt his chances for a happy life. (He may be able to put the pieces together, with how his siblings are getting sucked in and he can see how happy they seem.)

I'm glad he's talking. Next step is listening.

[sanemom]

I am afraid his talk is just more her talk... .I can tell she is still contacting him.  DSS proposed group therapy with him, mom, and dad--no teen would come up with a treatment plan, much less that one.  Just very frustrated with my DH right now for being too worried about his anger to take his phone away.  Until his phone his gone, we will not have DSS back. He is clearly still being coached and manipulated like someone in a trance.

[GaGrl]

It may have to be the judge who takes the phone away. Of course, if BPDmom is in jail... .

[Thunderstruck]

Definitely bring this up at the hearing. The judge would be really mad to know that even with a motion to enforce in the books BPDmom is STILL violating the order. BPDmom will deny it but she's a proven liar so the judge isn't going to believe her anyway. I doubt you'd even need evidence that it's happening.

That phone really needs to go.

[Panda39]

"Then he texts DH in the middle of the night that he loves him but wants this court stuff to stop, and he wants contact back with his mom."

My SO's uBPDxw was a night owl.  I would not be surprised if they are talking when everyone has gone to bed.

This situation will only be resolved by forced legal compliance the judge is going to have to put mom in jail.  Can't talk on the phone anytime you want while in jail.  Hopefully she will discover that she doesn't like jail and not going back will be a motivating factor for her. But once mom is in jail you will also need to supervise time DSS15 spends with the older kids because they are acting as her minions.

[ForeverDad]

Maybe the judge should order a call log to/from his cell number, otherwise he and she will simply deny.  Be prepared that his mother may try to hide her tracks by using other phone numbers such as DSD19 & DSS18.

It may have to be the judge who takes the phone away. Of course, if BPDmom is in jail... .

That would be great, let the judge take the heat off DH.  Has there been any indication the judge would speak with DSS16, that he's the one "laying down the law" because his mother, and through her the children, have obstructed the court process and orders for months and years?  Not overly blaming, but stating, "this is how it's going to be until further notice".

[sanemom]

I wish the judge had taken the phone the first time.  UGH

The other thing is BPD mom is claiming that she unfriended DSS15 on Facebook... .funny thing is there was a new account created in DSD19's name the day DSS15 came to our house.  Coincidence?  I think not... .I doubt the judge will think so either.  I have a picture of the new page and the date ":)SD19 joined facebook".

[david]

Maybe the judge can also rule that if BPDm doesn't stop violating the order there will be more jail time added on after she gets out the first time. Making it between the judge and mom will help your home situation. The lawyers might be able to go into chambers and discuss a strategy to assist with compliance. I am not really sure how this can be accomplished but you will need a solid plan going into it.
I have been yelled at in court several times by the judge. When that happens I realize my petition is going to be added to our order. I believe they do that to have both parties "win". If DSS15 is in court and DH gets yelled at and told that he MUST follow the order too or risk being jailed himself, it may help DSS15 "understand" how court works.

[Waddams]

Sanemom - any update?

We're all praying and hoping for the best for you and your family!

[sanemom]

Sanemom - any update?

We're all praying and hoping for the best for you and your family!

Things are going well... .just a bit nervous posting on the internet these days for reasons I will reveal later.  I felt that the update belonged more on the coparenting board, but that one is not as secure.

DSS and DH did some intensive therapy at a reunification camp, and their relationship has made a 180.  DSS was educated about PA and the dynamics of what has been going on, and he has even learned about BPD.  I am sure he was having to face some hard truths about the situation.  He seems totally fine now... .not sure what to make of it.  He doesn't seem to be going through the angry phase with BPD mom, but he definitely is not as protective as he used to be.  Maybe he won't get angry at her since it was presented that she is angry at DH because of hurts from her childhood so she has an "out" so to speak.  AND for the first time ever, I heard him admit to me that I was a target of BPD mom, and we have plans to work on us now as well.

I would think he is still trying to absorb everything, but I am not sure how much of what was presented was a total shock to him.  DH said he never really got emotional so maybe he kinda knew but didn't want to admit stuff to himself.

[PinkieV]

It took my SS16 nearly three years to admit he's mad at his mom - he just admitted as much last month, and that's with regular counseling.  I'm glad to hear things are looking better, I think of you often.  Hang in there!