My head hurts.
I created a version of the relationship in my head that I wanted it to be, a fantasy, and forged ahead denying that what the relationship really was wasn't even close to that. When I chose to let go of the fantasy and see the reality for what it was, I left her, since the reality was a nightmare. No more complicated than that. And then the real work began: why did I run with my fantasy and ignore reality? Why was I voluntarily so blind? Why did I put up with so much crap that now seems completely unacceptable? The fact I felt so foolish when the fog cleared was useful in digging deep. Yes, we unknowingly came under the spell of a mental illness, granted, but why were we susceptible to it to begin with, when there were plenty of signs early? Oh what a wonderful opportunity to dig deep, fueled by pain, so the growth is real and it sticks; it's a brand new world.
Earlier I posted a question on how to deal with the idea that the r/s was a fantasy and was directed to this thread. Wow, so helpful, thank you everyone for your insights.
I also created a version of the relationship in my head that I wanted it to be, like the quote above... .This is how far I took my fantasy: I had asked him to move out after 3 years together, I wanted to end the relationship, end the constant anxiety, the walking on eggshells, the overwhelming frustration of never getting my needs met, his constantly invading my privacy, mistrust, jealousy, etc. (not knowing anything about BPD at the time). In that process of him packing his bags and making arrangements to leave, my grief overwhelmed me and I could not imagine how I could live without him. It scared me so much that I convinced myself if we were going to stay together then I should really commit to the relationship (somehow believing that my ambivalence was creating the r/s hell) so I suggested we get married. And we did! We eloped (because we both knew people would have many opinions about what the hell we were doing and we didn't want to hear it or be swayed by any 'negativity'!) I have such shame from this, I feel like such a fool. And I've been having such a hard time with the idea that it was all just a fantasy. Makes me feel like the last 4 years were a dream. A nightmare! This thread has really helped me step back and gain some perspective.
