How do you deal?

[lovethebeach]

How do you deal with them having a replacement immediately following you?

I feel like someone has stomped on my chest.

I just want to ask him why!

He found someone else so he's no longer invested in me. Yet,  I've been crying myself to sleep for a week. We dated for two years! Ugh. This is so difficult.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

How do you deal with them having a replacement immediately following you?

I feel like someone has stomped on my chest.

I just want to ask him why!

He found someone else so he's no longer invested in me. Yet,  I've been crying myself to sleep for a week. We dated for two years! Ugh. This is so difficult.

My ex moved out of state so I don't know for sure if there is  replacement BUT, my gut tells me otherwise. In fact, it was my gut that caused the massive amounts of red flags which led me to start questioning her relentlessly. We were trying a LD relationship... .it lasted a month.

To answer ur question I try to remind myself that if I have been replaced, it comes with the territory.  Just the thought of it feels like shards of glass piercing my heart and coating my stomach. It is going to hurt. It is going to feel like you are decaying inside but, that's when I remember what I've learned.

Replacements are a very common coping mechanism for someone with BPD. She may have replaced me to cope with the loss. Twisted right? I would have stood by her side yet she chose to throw away the one person willing to fight WITH her. Get too close... .they run. Walk to far... .they run.

I have a but more sympathy for her than some. While my relationship was lopsided and emotionally draining, I am not jaded. She wasn't malicious nor verbally/physically abusive. She took advantage of my kindness and filled me with false hope but in a sense, she did show compassion.

I know she isn't proud of who she is. She does tend to play victim but there truly is pain behind those eyes. Maybe my empathy for her is tied into my grief process. Perhaps I am riddled with denial.  My point is, your x is disordered. He carries on like life is perfectly on tilt b/c he doesn't process emotions like you and I. They are living in oblivion and at their core are lonelier than we can imagine.

How exhausting life must be for them. Always chasing the next high. Always putting on a show. Always battling themselves. Although I am submerged in sadness, envisioning her world reminds me it could be worse.

[sirius]

Sorry to hear you are in pain 

the replacement could have been lined up or the idea or grooming a replacement while he is still with you is already there.

How to deal with it? The replacement is there sooner or later or earlier probably. Thats what they do, no matter how much you would do or love him, its going to happen.

Like it or not, its happened. Would it be any different if you were with him for only 6 months if this happened? NO. It hurts the same.

Don't get obsessed with the replacement or what has happened recently to your ex. You are still in pain, a lot of pain now.

[Infared]

I'm knew that mine was not alone when she left me. She said that she was but I intuitively knew that that was not possible for her. (I knew nothing about the personality disorder then).

It's tough to live through... .I was completely in shock and deep emotional pain. I was also completely confused and was being hit with a barrage of lies... .my head knew the truth but my heart was just a mess. I could not deal with the pain so I sought out a therapist.   That really helped... .the pain was so great I was not coping. It was just the shock of it.  My pwBPD was extremely immature, like a child... .but I was not so aware of it until the abandonment. There was no remorse or discussion or honesty... .just denials and blame.   She just turned on me once she was in the safety of the new supply. She was like someone that I did not know?  I can see now that it was a carefully planned event for her and executed with a totally cold heart.

It was like someone let a trap door go beneath me.

If yours is anything like mine you will need to stay away from them... there is nothing there for you but pain. Mine rewrote our history together in her favor and it neatly made her the victim and me the villian... and the story read like a little child's golden book that I had never read. And she just kept denying that she was with this other person and it was so obvious that that was not true.I kid you not... and she delivered every word of the lies like an innocent little child... It was like a 6-yr. old child who made up a lie so that they did not get in trouble.  

It was years ago and I am still kind of in a daze at the behavior.

You can get through this, but you will need to surround yourself with support and just focus on you and your healing and it slowly gets better... .contact with mine was just always devastating for me.

[Deeno02]

Mine was with her old college friend scant days after dumping me. A coupld of take aways from my experience being on this forum: 1. same crap is going to happen to the replacement. It may take 2 months, 2 years or 19 years, but the same crap will happen. 2. The same crap will happen to the replacement. And 3. The same crap will happen to the replacement. Dont worry about it. I know it hurts, i still struggle with the notion that our year and a half together didnt mean ___ to her, and through therapy im realizing that they are wired that way. Nothing you can do about it but move on. They need help, but it wont happen unless they realize it. I dont think ive ever been that hurt in my life knowing how fast i was replaced, but it is what it is. Move along before they try and come back. Its been just about 2 months now, and while i still grieve, im getting stronger and knowing i deserve better. And you deserve better too.

[ATLandon]

Funny thing is that mine has moved on with my roommate as I type this. She no longer hovers around me, questions me about what I'm doing and where I'm going. She hardly speaks to me now as she is so stuck on our roommate. I told her I could tell she has feelings for him and she denied. I pressed and she confirmed but that she wasn't cheating. Yeah... .right. For no apparent reason, she is just sleeping in his bed, not spending any time with her husband, and will hardly talk to the man who has made her life comfortable for 10 years. Of course, I must be the crazy one.   

Oh, and then she suggested that we should have an open relationship! Which I found to be extremely entertaining since it is something I brought up years ago, only wanting it to be purely physical outside of our marriage. Instead, she wants to bring the roommate in to our relationship as a triad. I told her I was absolutely not interested and told her to do whatever the hell she wants (seeing as how I know she is doing so anyways). She also says that she still loves and wants to be with me. Ya know, she has a funny way of showing it.

How am I moving on? By feeling blessed by the good fortune that I have proof of infidelity to take to the courts when it is time for divorce. Am I hurt? Yes, but not nearly as bad I would have been years ago. I emotionally checked about 5 years ago. Though I do feel a *little* bad for the roommate as he is young and has no idea what sort of mess he's walking into. I'm just working on making me better and re-connecting with old friends and family. Its all I can do to make my life better.

[Raybo48]

How do you deal with them having a replacement immediately following you?

I feel like someone has stomped on my chest.

I just want to ask him why!

He found someone else so he's no longer invested in me. Yet,  I've been crying myself to sleep for a week. We dated for two years! Ugh. This is so difficult.

You don't deal with it well  I can tell you that, and It's a horrible sinking feeling.

I dealt with it a few times with my exBPDf and it drove me insane.  She cultivated the rebound relationships behind my back so that's why it was so sudden and the guys came out of no where, for me at least.  Neither one lasted more than a month, and she 'claimed' she didn't sleep with them, but who's to know since it's pretty typical for a BPD to be a pathological liar.  

There are no words that I can provide to ease your pain, and I'm very sorry you are going through this.  Just know that you are not alone and time is the only thing that will lessen the turmoil you are going through right now.  I don't suggest to try and make any sense out of it or blame yourself.  This behavior is what they are famous for and they leave a wake of emotional destruction behind them without the slightest regard.  

[Recooperating]

Ready for some drama?

Short story of events:

- xBPDbf left marriage and I was replacement (fed awefull stories about xwife)

- xwife starts stalking and harrasing me, I ignore

- xBPDbf cheats on me, moved in with new girl (while with me).

- I find out, xBPD is sorry and we give it another try

- new girl teams up with xwife, harrassing and stalking all over again

- new girl and xwife think he's NPD and send me all the info on it.

- new girl and xwife start smear campaign on social media about xBPD about NPD

- new girl is in new apartment xBPD, makes pictures of them in bed and sent them to me

- xBPD paints new girl and xwife blacker than black. I continue to ignore

- xBPD gets diagnosed with BPD and we decide to do the work together.

- xBPD manipulates T and quits T

- we brake up

- xBPD reaches out to new girl she turns him down

- xBPD starts recycle with me, lasts 2 week. (Cant pull of the SET and boundaries)

- new girl and xwife find out and start another smear campaign, this time turning XBPDs best friend against him.

- 9 days past bu xBPD and new girl hook up again.

- xwife feels betrayed by her friend and b___ fight starts.

And me? Im NC. Staying the hell away from all this drama. New girl can have him. It stung, but he's nit worth it. Im glad he's her problem now and not mine! What a bunch of unhealthy crap went on there... .I was part of it all and thank God that chaos is over!

[Johan]

My ex left me and we were meant to travel australia and asia for a year, 4months after breakup she went with him... .

Seen the photos has been horrible 'mutual facebook friends'

I just remind myself she's mentaly ill and maybe now when she's back as of while ago... reality will hit in, and the 'down' of they trip being over will hit her, and the real her will come out.


Not my problem though.

[lovethebeach]

Letting go is so hard because I feel as if he doesn't care.

Yet my mind replays all the instances of the good times. The fun. The laughter. The love.

Now he's off with some new girl and I'm forgotten? After I said we could work through everything? I feel like I've gone crazy.

I'm trying to make sense of nonsense. How do you do that someone? After two years, I at least deserved some kind of explanation or reason.

[Raybo48]

Letting go is so hard because I feel as if he doesn't care.

Yet my mind replays all the instances of the good times. The fun. The laughter. The love.

Now he's off with some new girl and I'm forgotten? After I said we could work through everything? I feel like I've gone crazy.

I'm trying to make sense of nonsense. How do you do that someone? After two years, I at least deserved some kind of explanation or reason.

I've been told after a few days, weeks, etc we get that yearning feeling for them again and forgive all the bad stuff because we compartmentalize the good stuff.  It sounds like you are doing that, which is 100% normal.  I'm doing that at this very moment while my ex is actively on Plenty of Fish after just telling me two weeks ago she loves me, misses me, and thinks about me every day.   

I've been told this a million times and you have to try and let it sink in.  They absolutely don't think like you do, not when there is a personality disorder involved, and not when there is zero empathy for you.   It's so hard to wrap your mind around that because you are compassionate in your thinking.   As non's we struggle with trying to find 'answers' every day, but I'm starting to realize there are no answers that will suffice and it was never really about us and the entire thing was a fantasy.   

[lovethebeach]

How long before we "move on" and stop caring? It was apparently easy for him to do. I'm struggling with so many emotions and all I want is an answer. One answer to my question. Why?

But, I truly don't think he'd know. I find comfort in knowing that I tried. I gave it 100% and more.

[Raybo48]

How long before we "move on" and stop caring? It was apparently easy for him to do. I'm struggling with so many emotions and all I want is an answer. One answer to my question. Why?

But, I truly don't think he'd know. I find comfort in knowing that I tried. I gave it 100% and more.

It's hard to say how long it will take to move on.  For me I can tell you that any breach of NC is like starting all over again.  All the raw feelings creep back up, the yearning for her, missing her, loving her, etc.  That just tells me you never stop caring because you can't and don't want to change who you are, but you have to move on and heal. 

The 'why' answer likely wouldn't be the truth anyway from him so I don't think you need to hear that.  It could also open up a heck of a lot more questions than answers so why do that to yourself? 

This sounds like it literally just happened so give yourself a break and realize everything you are going through is totally normal for a non. 

[lovethebeach]

Today is day eight.

I have so many emotions and thoughts... .mainly because he has new supply and I'm guessing that was the final nail in our coffin.

One day, I'll find someone who values and appreciates me the way I deserve to be treated. Maybe less of a roller coaster, but the lows won't be as low.

I'm left putting the pieces together by myself. But, I hope he's happy. I truly do.

[clydegriffith]

How do you deal with them having a replacement immediately following you?

I feel like someone has stomped on my chest.

I just want to ask him why!

He found someone else so he's no longer invested in me. Yet,  I've been crying myself to sleep for a week. We dated for two years! Ugh. This is so difficult.

I have a child with the BPDx, so i am unable to have her completley out of my life. I was the replacement for her x-husband (whom she also trapped with a child) and i'm aware of 4 additonal replacements after me, the latest of which she also trapped with a child she just had. At first it hurt, espcially when she was lying about not wanting to date anyone and trying to get herself better. After a while i just realized she's going to do what she's going to do and it became easier to let it go.

[antelope]

How long before we "move on" and stop caring?

I'm 2 yrs out of a 3 year relationship... .I can firmly make these two statements:

-I feel indifferent towards her.  Why?  Because I don't know her.  You can't really love, like, dislike, or hate a stranger.

-However, I do know what she is all about (BPD and all of the concurrent behaviors).  And for that, I pity her.

She did what she did with me, the guy before, the guy after, etc.  That's who she is.  It has nothing to do with me.  There is nothing and no one to go back to.  Realizing and understanding this is crucial in finally 'moving on.'

[Deeno02]

Letting go is so hard because I feel as if he doesn't care.

Yet my mind replays all the instances of the good times. The fun. The laughter. The love.

Now he's off with some new girl and I'm forgotten? After I said we could work through everything? I feel like I've gone crazy.

I'm trying to make sense of nonsense. How do you do that someone? After two years, I at least deserved some kind of explanation or reason.

Your not gonna get it hun.All i got was a"I finally know what I want". Yep. Thanks for playing...

[FlyingAway]

Lovethebeach, I feel for you, because I'm in similar pain. I can't stop thinking about her and the replacement, and how much "love" she's lavishing on him, just weeks after she told me she loves me and misses me. I can't stand the thought of them together, knowing how wonderful and special I always felt when I was with her physically. But there is also the emotional sharing we had, as long-time friends. Now, she's sharing it all with someone else. Understand that I know that what I perceived as emotional sharing was not really that at all. It was an illusion for over 5 years.

I still feel a great deal of love for her, but I feel real hate for the replacement, who is old enough to be her father, and who is married, with a history of sleeping with women outside of his marriage. My BPD told me 2 weeks ago that she wasn't having sex with this guy, but I don't believe her. Since I've learned more about this disorder, I think she may have been lying since I've known her.

It doesn't stop the pain, which is constant and sometimes overwhelming. I've been NC for 12 days. I'm trying to stay strong, but can't get the images out of my mind.

[Raybo48]

Lovethebeach, I feel for you, because I'm in similar pain. I can't stop thinking about her and the replacement, and how much "love" she's lavishing on him, just weeks after she told me she loves me and misses me. I can't stand the thought of them together, knowing how wonderful and special I always felt when I was with her physically. But there is also the emotional sharing we had, as long-time friends. Now, she's sharing it all with someone else. Understand that I know that what I perceived as emotional sharing was not really that at all. It was an illusion for over 5 years.

I still feel a great deal of love for her, but I feel real hate for the replacement, who is old enough to be her father, and who is married, with a history of sleeping with women outside of his marriage. My BPD told me 2 weeks ago that she wasn't having sex with this guy, but I don't believe her. Since I've learned more about this disorder, I think she may have been lying since I've known her.

It doesn't stop the pain, which is constant and sometimes overwhelming. I've been NC for 12 days. I'm trying to stay strong, but can't get the images out of my mind.

Everything you have said here I have felt at one time (some right now) or another and its' very difficult.  In my opinion based on my own exBPD female and reading countless articles and talking to a few therapists you can take a couple of things to the bank.

1. They almost 100% of the time lie and stretch the truth, which they have been doing their entire lives.

2. They almost 100% of the time have emotional and physical affairs behind their partners back.

I would not believe for one second her telling you she didn't sleep with the guy.  Mine would say "I didn't even kiss him".  That's after the guy was living in her house for a month before she dumped him.  We were not born yesterday and if your gut says otherwise listen to it.

[FlyingAway]

I would not believe for one second her telling you she didn't sleep with the guy.  Mine would say "I didn't even kiss him".  That's after the guy was living in her house for a month before she dumped him.  We were not born yesterday and if your gut says otherwise listen to it.

Posted on: Today at 07:01:07 PM

Thanks, Lovethebeach. I'm going to take this to the bank. I have a history of not recognizing gut feelings. Your words are a wake-up call. Hang in there. I'm with you in spirit.

[lovethebeach]

Does this get easier with time? I've been told that I exposed the real him by continuing to hold a mirror that he didn't want to look in. He has been caught in too many lies and bolted as a result. I'll admit I shouldnt have snooped, but he had given me cause.

I guess I have to be okay with never getting answers. Hopefully, time does heal all.

[Raybo48]

Does this get easier with time? I've been told that I exposed the real him by continuing to hold a mirror that he didn't want to look in. He has been caught in too many lies and bolted as a result. I'll admit I shouldnt have snooped, but he had given me cause.

I guess I have to be okay with never getting answers. Hopefully, time does heal all.

It does get easier with time, definitely.  I feel better being on this forum and I feel better not looking at her FB.  You have to build up your self-worth. 

I caught my BPD in all kinds of lies, red handed and she did an amazing job of talking her way out of it.  I don't think "exposing" them really would cause them to bolt.  Yea they'd feel shame, but like every emotion they have it's not sustainable. 

[Infared]

That was my experience, too. After five years.  All the lies and the denials.

You will never get any remorse or truth from that person. It is so hard to fathom. All you can do is walk through your pain and do the things you can to to heal. We need to focus on that. It's all that we have

NC is vital. At least it was for me. There was nothing there for me but lies, abuse and blame. Nothing.

[lovethebeach]

I hate feeling like we gave up. I never expected any of this or saw it coming. I miss him so much it hurts.

Today, is the hardest day so far. I think that's because the reality is starting to set in.

[Deeno02]

Sorry for the post, but moment of clarity. She never looked into my eyes when she kissed me. Always looked over my left shoulder and up. Little things keep popping like that... .jeez

[Raybo48]

That was my experience, too. After five years.  All the lies and the denials.

You will never get any remorse or truth from that person. It is so hard to fathom. All you can do is walk through your pain and do the things you can to to heal. We need to focus on that. It's all that we have

NC is vital. At least it was for me. There was nothing there for me but lies, abuse and blame. Nothing.

One theme I've gotten from every post is NC being paramount.  I knew it was important before, but it's nice to have so many on here sounding off one by one about it.  It helps me stay focused on it so I don't breach  my self or when that inevitable time comes when my ex attempts it.   

[Deeno02]

They should but a like button on this site!... .

[Infared]

That was my experience, too. After five years.  All the lies and the denials.

You will never get any remorse or truth from that person. It is so hard to fathom. All you can do is walk through your pain and do the things you can to to heal. We need to focus on that. It's all that we have

NC is vital. At least it was for me. There was nothing there for me but lies, abuse and blame. Nothing.

One theme I've gotten from every post is NC being paramount.  I knew it was important before, but it's nice to have so many on here sounding off one by one about it.  It helps me stay focused on it so I don't breach  my self or when that inevitable time comes when my ex attempts it.   

My ex tried to "ambush" me in the grocery store parking lot a while back... and my pain was so great from the way I was treated that I just looked at the ground, sped up, and arced around her. I treat her like a toxic virus. There is nothing there but pain and abuse for me... .as much as I don't want to believe it. It was difficult to do but I have trained myself to save me. I don't mess around with it. ... and I miss her every day... .its twisted.

[Deeno02]

That was my experience, too. After five years.  All the lies and the denials.

You will never get any remorse or truth from that person. It is so hard to fathom. All you can do is walk through your pain and do the things you can to to heal. We need to focus on that. It's all that we have

NC is vital. At least it was for me. There was nothing there for me but lies, abuse and blame. Nothing.

One theme I've gotten from every post is NC being paramount.  I knew it was important before, but it's nice to have so many on here sounding off one by one about it.  It helps me stay focused on it so I don't breach  my self or when that inevitable time comes when my ex attempts it.   

My ex tried to "ambush" me in the grocery store parking lot a while back... and my pain was so great from the way I was treated that I just looked at the ground, sped up, and arced around her. I treat her like a toxic virus. There is nothing there but pain and abuse for me... .as much as I don't want to believe it. It was difficult to do but I have trained myself to save me. I don't mess around with it. ... and I miss her every day... .its twisted.

So far so good for me. About 2 months out and zero contact. Ive been on guard as not to run into her and the new guy. Im kind of still filled with guilt and ashamed. Trying to get stronger before i have no choice as she coaches my kid, which is coming up in a few months. Yay me.

[Infared]

That was my experience, too. After five years.  All the lies and the denials.

You will never get any remorse or truth from that person. It is so hard to fathom. All you can do is walk through your pain and do the things you can to to heal. We need to focus on that. It's all that we have

NC is vital. At least it was for me. There was nothing there for me but lies, abuse and blame. Nothing.

One theme I've gotten from every post is NC being paramount.  I knew it was important before, but it's nice to have so many on here sounding off one by one about it.  It helps me stay focused on it so I don't breach  my self or when that inevitable time comes when my ex attempts it.   

My ex tried to "ambush" me in the grocery store parking lot a while back... and my pain was so great from the way I was treated that I just looked at the ground, sped up, and arced around her. I treat her like a toxic virus. There is nothing there but pain and abuse for me... .as much as I don't want to believe it. It was difficult to do but I have trained myself to save me. I don't mess around with it. ... and I miss her every day... .its twisted.

So far so good for me. About 2 months out and zero contact. Ive been on guard as not to run into her and the new guy. Im kind of still filled with guilt and ashamed. Trying to get stronger before i have no choice as she coaches my kid, which is coming up in a few months. Yay me.

Deeno... .it's been a while for me... .but 6months after she ran off to new supply I ran into them.

She had told me he didn't go to the beach... .so guess where I ran into them!  I was alone. She looked at the ground and told him I was standing in front of the and I could see they had planned in advance to "act out" in front of me. They embraced etc... .it was a pathetic thing for two adults to do to the victim of their cheating?  It really hurt though. I think that they are still in 7th grade, though. 

They always do "something" F'ed up when I run into them. I am ALWAYS minding my own business and not ever with a woman. I NEVER a do anything to be mean or retaliate. I act like an adult.

... .and after all of this... .she plans a fake run-in with me in a parking lot ... .like after the way she has treated me... I am going to hang out and chat it up with her? What the heck?

Totally PSYCHO.