I AM FREE

[PlanetsBendBetweenUs]

 This is my first posting about my situation and I am not sure if this is the correct place to post it in the forum but sometimes you just have to "jump in" and so now I will do just that.

I finally mustered up the courage to leave her. There is nothing left to hang around for. I am tired of the verbal abuse, the affairs and lies, the walking on eggshells, the belittlement and contempt, the flirtatious and seductive looks and poses to other men when we are out in public, the "stop it you are crazy" replies when trying to confront her about her behavior, The "splitting", The verbal deflection... .I could go on and on. I just learned exactly what BPD is about a month ago. My exBPD is a fairly typical if not a classic textbook case of un-diagnosed and untreated Borderline Personality Disorder. I do not need a shrink to make the diagnosis. I can read the DSM V, I can see clearly (now) all the symptoms. I have lived it.

I have left many times before always to be sucked back in. Either she would contact me or I her and once the contact is established it is just a matter of time until I am back where I started once again. So I packed all my belongings and moved out while she was at work. What is different this time? I am different. Knowledge is power and I have lost all hope of fixing her or the relationship. When I first read about BPD I said wow this explains everything: the rage, the drama, the sexual acting out with others. I turned into a private detective and tried to monitor her every move and occupy all her time so she would not cheat. I never found the smoking gun I was looking for. I no longer need one. You can cover up all the external signs of an affair but the one thing that you cannot hide is the behavior as it will always give you away. I suppose on some level that it was easier to believe the lies than to face the truth. Even though the explanations had some plausibility if I had dared to look deeper their absurdity would have been apparent. She would look me in the eye and lie to me. I think that she believes her own lies. As my health began to deteriorate and I began not sleeping I would marvel at how well she slept. I lay there tearing myself up emotionally and she slept like she did not have a care in the world. Exhausted? I am beyond exhausted, but I am free:) And I will be OK. I had to constantly turn thing around for her to get her to see them my way, how I felt in this or that situation and then she would understand sometimes but as far as real empathy? None at all. In 3.5 years she apologized for her part of an issue maybe 3 time and all of them where to shut me and in no manner heartfelt. She cannot ever be wrong. I began to think that she was evil but now I see that she is ill. I feel sad for her but right now I feel sad for me. It bothers me that she has gotten involved in another relationship and it is little consolation that the same pattern will repeat with her new boyfriend given sufficient time.

Do I have proof that she has a new boyfriend? No. Like I said she is to smart to leave the usual signs. She can carry out her affairs at work so that nobody else knows. She usually gets involved with married or attached men as they are safe for her. If they are cheating she cannot respect them and if she does not respect them she cannot be hurt by them. She loves the attention. But she would not let me go. She needed me there, an object in her universe. I was the one she could nest with as long as I played the part she had written for me. Do not ask me questions. Do as I say. Do what I want to do. She used to go through the motions of trying to act like this was a relationship rather than a dictatorship but no longer. The last few months has been nothing but tyranny on her part. Emotions out of control, raging, belittling, telling me that I am worthless and weak, have a small "member", that I am needy and sensitive. I used to listen to her stories of past relationships and think wow I am nice guy I will not be like they where but I now see that this was her skewed viewpoint and that it truly does take 2 to tango and I never heard the other side of the story. What gets me is that I am now a story. I am sure that she is telling "him" what a jerk I was, how I did not trust her and dominated her and controlled her. Once the savior now the demon. How messed up is that? As my emotional and physical health declined I saw a shrink and I was given anti-psychotics because it seemed like I was suffering from delusional jealousy. Was I jealous? Hell yes. Delusional. Nope. She watched as I swallowed the pills. I knew that I did not need them. I was hoping to get her to realize the depths of her issue but she let me take them. You are crazy. The pills will help you. They did help me to sleep a little but that scary feeling was always there like something is not right. Always there. Always there. It hung in the air that feeling. That is you intuition and gut instinct telling you BEWARE SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE GET THE HELL OUT NOW! but I did not listen to that inner voice. I listened to her:  You are delusional. You are crazy. Everything was somehow my fault.

I am lucky that I escaped. I feel sorry for the new sucker in her life as one day he will be on the receiving end of this but that is his problem. Right now I am safe and free and all is going to be fine. It may take a little time but I will survive this and be better off having done so. Why I am attracted to borderlines is no mystery. Any man would be attracted to the nectar they dangle out to lure you in. Sure I have my own issues but I can work on them. I cannot fix another person who is unwilling to try and fix themselves or does not even realize how broken they are. But now I know the symptoms and that this disorder has a name so I am armed with knowledge and I will get the hell out of any new relationship at the first sign of something not seeming to be quite right.

I AM FREE! I AM FREE!

[UserName69]

I'm happy you decided to leave. I can relate to your story from the beginning till the end. That's the reason why I gave her a one finger salute and decided to move on. You see people need to realize that it's impossible to stay with a pwBPD. I didn't knew anything about BPD till a girl told me about BPD, when I read the stories written by people who have a rs with a pwBPD I recognized almost everything.

Really you did the best thing, it's time to move on they can't be fixed. I had a rd with her for 6 months and I'm glad it's over. I never was so depressed in my life during that relation. I'm very happy without her because I know that she's an evil person that's the reason why I started to hate her. The hate made everything easier, I'm dating an another girl now and really I'm happy the rs with my exBPD is over.

Now it's time for you to go complete no contact, get rid of everything that reminds you of her, block any way of communication, try to keep your self busy and have fun! Enjoy life!

[ivan da terrible]

Planets-

I am glad you are free.  I could have written your post word for word.  You did the right thing for you.  I did the same thing as well.  My health was deteriorating rapidly, as well as my confidence.  I am so glad I am free.  I miss the good times my ex and I shared.  I hope she finds peace.  It will be challenging for you while you go through the grieving process.  Good luck.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

AMEN, Planets!  You have done a wise and courageous thing.  Proud of you, happy for you, sorry for the misery and difficulties you suffered but so very glad you are FREE!

[LimboFL]

It is amazing that, no matter how long one stays on BPD Family how periodically someone recounts their story and it was like someone jumped into my brain and took notes. It really is spooky. 6 months out and I still have little emotional blips.

Just expect a torrent of emotions ok planet. It ain't nearly over, I can assure you, so stay strong. You will go through incredible sadness, at some point, I still have rushes. You will go through anger, disbelief and more. Stay NC no matter what. I have been NC for 3 months and it's the only reason I am feeling even remotely back to my normal self, after almost 4 years of a live in relationship with my exBPDgf.

You will go through phases where you forget the bad and miss those fleeting moments with the person we fell in love with and had tremendous empathy for.

I don't mean to be doom and gloom, but rather for you to be prepared for an avalanche of emotions. No one is spared and it will be one of the hardest battles you will fight. Fortunately, you know what's up and that it isn't worth it. Some here continue to suffer because the shoe dropped before they had realized how bad the relationship was for them. No checking facebook, no checking twitter or instagram. delete every email and throw away every single picture, any momento that reminds you of her. It ALL has to be destroyed! This is not a flippant statement, by any stretch. I didn't need to block her because she is gone and I likely won't ever hear from her again. I specifically told her "please never contact me again" maybe your situation will be different, maybe you will have to block her. I am sure you have read enough about NC here that I don't need to elaborate.

My only piece of advice is to not get too comfortable with the current feeling of feeling free and having a weight lifted off your shoulder. I hope that this is how things remain for you but I just want to be sure that you are ready if the other emotions hit you like a freight train.

The absolute hardest thing I have ever done, letting go of my exBPDgf. I was in a 20 year relationship with my ex wife and when we divorced, it wasn't half as bad. Good luck, stay strong and keep posting here. The support is amazing.