Your daughter is seriously mentally ill and delusional. It may be possible to get the mental health authorities in your area to do an emergency home visit to evaluate your daughter for an emergency psychiatric hold in a mental health facility.

I did what you describe. Except I was permitted to not disclose where I lived. The caveat was that I was told by my L to put our son on the phone (9 at the time) the evening I left and to send a message when I left that S9 was safe.

Your ex may call it kidnapping but it isn't.

Kidnapping is what happens when courts are involved, and I believe only once custody has been determined.

My ex was rightfully shocked and I know it hurt him deeply. He was also not a safe person to be around and there are consequences for unchecked behaviors, like moving you and your child somewhere safe.

He also rotated through every response imaginable. Agreeable and persuasive. Furious and retaliatory. Sly and manipulative. He pleaded and threatened in the same sentence. He accepted that he hadn't been "easy to live with" the same day he called me the c word.

It's a good idea to have a plan for what you'll do those first 24 hours and the week after.

Depending on how disordered he gets, that week can be a real roller coaster. Especially if there are substances involved.

I`ll join jaded7 in recognizing your good work!

Glad to hear that you found a therapist that feels like the right fit for you. I`m sorry that you had to wait so long to see her! I think that it`s normal to still hold on to hope, despite what the logical part of your brain is telling you. It`s part of being human for emotions to lead at times, and it`s not a bad thing that you still have an open heart. Don`t be hard on yourself, you`re taking the steps to reach a point of balance where you not only drop this particular hope, and replace it with hope for a better future for yourself.

It makes total sense that your ex`s actions hurt and confused you. I think you should be proud of asserting yourself by saying how you felt. His actions truly have, as jaded7 pointed out, more to do with him than they do with you. If you take a step back, you can see all the indications of his limited capacity to understand the consequences of his actions. That isn`t a stable basis to build a relationship on.

No contact is a tool amongst many that can help with detaching. Going stone cold on someone you cared very much about might not be the approach that works for you (as it does for others), and that`s perfectly okay. I can relate to you on this, and I`m sure others can as well. I personally recognize that it would distress me more than it would help me.  And that`s the key point; you have to focus on what works for you.  That empathy and caring that would make it so hard for you to go no contact are in their own way also your own unique strengths. They can also be hurtful, as you`ve experienced, when it comes to protecting your own heart. It sounds like you`re taking the steps towards letting go not out of malice or anger, but out of kindness to yourself. You deserve happiness too.

Yes, this sounds a lot like what the lawyer I talked to told me. She emphasized that I need to have my daughter "in [my] possession" when I leave," and that if my husband calls the cops, they probably won't do anything.

It sounds like what I'll have to do is get an apartment (or some other decent place to stay like a hotel or friend's house), and then take her (and my cats) there while husband is at work. He'll come home to find us gone and a note left for him, freak out, maybe call the cops, but the cops at most will do a "welfare check" on me but otherwise stay out of it.

She said that it can take a month or two for court orders to go through. I hope it won't take him more than that long to calm down.

So exciting that you finally got in to the therapist.

"The first session, she said something about us getting to the point where I finally accept my ex's limitations and drop any further hope. And that comment really did hit me hard, because i realised in that moment that I have been and still am holding hope - even against my logical mind. It seems my head and heart aren't yet in the same place."

This is so where I'm at and have even written myself- my head and my heart are in such different places! My head understands the disrespect and lying and name-calling etc. is bad and abusive, my heart feels for her and wants to show her love. It feels almost impossible to drop the hope.

Good for you for setting those boundaries and withstanding the 'storm' of the return/reconnection. You said 'no', even though it hurt to do so. And now, look at his response to your no....turning cold and, probably, angry. Isn't that the pattern in these relationships? No - to any little thing, or big thing, said with love and respect for the relationship- brings about anger and very often attacks. That was my experience exactly.....and here you show it in action.

A healthy person would hear your 'no' and recognize that he's put you through so much, recognize that the push and pull is so hurtful, recognize that you deserve consistency and respect. But he got angry and pulled away then. As if this was all about him. As it usually is in these relationships.

That's one of the central themes I've come to understand in my relationship. A no was always treated like a failure on my part, or an attack. It was always met with real anger, trying to get me to feel bad for saying no, telling me how I'm failing the relationship somehow or how I'm a failure at being a businessman, a partner, a friend. Even when there were really clear and sound reasons for my no, even when it was said with love and respect.

I'm excited for you to be able to move forward, and it sounds like you found a great therapist to work with.

Like I said I would, as soon as finals were over I started really working on this stuff.

I talked to three lawyers last week, and I think I know which one I want. My therapist recommended two, and I was able to get an appointment with one of them, but didn't hear back from the other one. I also talked to two other ones, but I think the one she recommended will be the one I will go with.

The first one I talked to seemed nice but inexperienced. We talked for about an hour and she asked me a lot of personal questions about my relationship and was like, "What is the deal with this guy? Does he have anger management issues or something?" She also said something about how 85% of divorces are settled in mediation, which I think made her sound unrealistically optimistic. I got the feeling like she might underestimate how crazy my husband might get during the process.

The second lawyer seemed unsympathetic to my situation. He seemed to think it sounded nuts that I wanted to move out right away. He said that would be a "jerk move" on my part, and would make me look bad to the judge in a custody battle. Then he suggested that if I can't stand to keep living with my husband, that I go stay with my mom, who lives hundreds of miles away, instead.

The third lawyer was the one my therapist recommended. I actually talked to some kind of assistant at the law firm who handles the consultations, not the lawyer herself, but she seemed to take my concerns about abuse and abuse allegations seriously. When I described some of the threats my husband has made, threats that he's going get full custody of my daughter and I'll never see her again etc., she shook her head and rolled her eyes, but in a way like she's already heard all these types of threats before in other cases. She said they're even dealing with a case right now where, "this guy, he just barks and barks."

I also like that she asked me about pets, without me asking her first. She said some people might think it's silly, but she knows pets are very important too.

I asked her if I can move out right away, or if I have to stay living with him, and she said after what I told her she thinks I should move out right away, and I should take my daughter and my cats with me. She said my daughter needs to "be in [my] possession," when he finds out I'm divorcing him. And she told me if he calls the cops while she's "in my possession" they probably won't do anything.

She also gave me a list of documents and evidence and so on that I should gather before I make my escape, and told me I need to do stuff like finding an apartment, moving any property, etc. before I file for divorce, because once I file, everything gets "frozen" until the temp orders go through.

So now that I've basically been told it's OK for me to leave, next I have to figure out how exactly to do it.

Hi there,

I've done a little bit of study on attachment and have been very interested in it for some time - some of the patterns you're describing do sound a bit like they fall within a preoccupied anxious style...

The way I understand attachment - we all tend to have a primary attachment style, which is something that is developed very early in our lives, even beginning in the womb. This is fairly set, but it is definitely changeable with some time, intentional work and healing.

People with an anxious preoccupied style tend to try and find safety outside of themselves, so that's why you see a lot of reaching towards others, over-sharing, clinging or protesting if someone distances or moves too far away...

Avoidants try and find safety within themselves, and they find the needs and emotions of other people overwhelming... which is why they distance and run away... being presented with someone else's high needs for connection can sometimes feel unsafe and overwhelming.

But having said that, even though we might have a primary attachment style, we all tend to display traits from all attachment styles (anxious, secure and avoidant), depending on who we are interacting with.  So someone with an anxious attachment style could still act in an avoidant way if they are faced with another person who is behaving in an anxious way. It's kind of like a temporary protective mechanism. And sometimes we need these mechanisms for safety... sometimes there is good reason to shut down and avoid someone who is truly not safe, but sometimes it's just to protect energy or something like that.

So it's not a given that someone who is distancing is avoidantly attached. It could be that they don't have the capacity for the friendship in the way it's being offered in this moment in time, maybe they're overwhelmed by other things in their life, or they're being triggered by something in your dynamic and don't want to talk about it, or perhaps there is just some incompatibility in your personalities... or maybe they really are avoidant? But none of these scenarios are something you've done wrong or a rejection of who you are.

It's still possible to bridge the gap in anxious and avoidant friendships by allowing the person with avoidant traits a bit of space to think, and to feel safe that they're not going to be overpowered by someone else's needs or emotions... so going slow and steady in terms of emotional sharing can work well. But saying that, you do you!!! You can't twist yourself into a pretzel to please everyone else. The right people will be attracted to your vibe.

If you're anxiously attached, being faced with someone else's avoidant behaviours can really, really hurt and does make you feel a bit crazy, so I completely get you. I am anxiously attached, but I put in a number of years to specifically heal this and made great strides... I need to get back into therapy to get back to that place after what happened with my recent ex. But I did notice the difference after doing a lot of work and becoming more secure - I didn't take it as personally when people needed to step away... I could just let it happen and observe the interaction with more curiosity, wondering what was going on with them rather than wondering what was wrong with me. Turns out, there were people in my life going through some real stuff... and giving them the space to just be, but letting them know I was still there was game-changer for healing some friendships where I had felt distance.

Does anyone have any perspective on this?

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for many years and just recently realised my relationship partner has BPD (undiagnosed). The character of our relationship changed from congenial to distant.  One day he loves me so much and then he withdraws. Once he ghosted me but came back two days later with only a “hi”. He refused to explain and acted like nothing had happened.  Other than this, he has never been physically or verbally abusive. He had told me he loved me but is totally emotionally invulnerable.He forbid me to mention anything about his personality or character to him.  When I originally met him he impressed me as strong and independent but the last time I saw him he seemed meek and dependent.For the last 3 days he reads my posts but doesn’t comment.When I mentioned this he said “So it seems”. I got tired of this up and down emotional behavior, was so angry and blocked him.  I will not return

I don't know how it is in your situation but saying something to my BPD mother isn't effective and her response is to minimize it. If it makes any difference- my BPD mother still doesn't "listen" to me but to describe it- she doesn't perceive "me"-  the "me" that is an individual and also boundaries.

What I see your D saying isn't a complaint or over complaining. She's 12- she perceives something but doesn't have a way to express it. "Mommy doesn't listen to me" is her way of saying her mother doesn't perceive her as an individual with her own needs and feelings.

Asking for time to do homework isn't an unreasonable request. What your D is saying is that she cares about her school performance and needs time to work on her assignment. Her mother isn't just not listening to her. She is dismissing something important to your D. She is choosing her own wishes over those of her D.

This is the shift in the relationship with a teen child. The teen is becoming more autonomous and the parent needs to be discerning about when to let go and give them some more self direction. This depends on the request and their behavior. If your D watched TV instead of doing homework- then she isn't ready for the concession, but it sounds like your D is doing homework- and this is a reasonable request. If her mother didn't feel like cooking dinner and wanted to go out to eat- she could instead change course and order take out- win win for both.

It also seems that this isn't a one time thing but often- BPD mother taking the kids out instead of staying home where D can do homework and so this could be more problematic.

Younger kids are less autonomous and so have to do what their parents choose for them. Teen begin to make their own choices but still need parental boundaries. The parent shouldn't give them too much autonomy but also not too little. It's not always clear how to navigate this. On your part- hear your D out. If she's truly finding it hard to do homework during her time with her mother- how can something be worked out so she has this time?