How to get them to pull their own weight on chores?

[Cloudy Days]

My husband goes through spurts where he will be helpful or he will just do nothing. He claims I ruined his OCD tendencies to want a clean home. He used to do the laundry now he does his own laundry, once it gets to the point he has no clothes and I still have to fold them or they will just stay in the dryer, they've sat there for a week before to the point where I had to do something so I could do my own. He doesn't help me cook meals, he doesn't help me clean the house, he doesn't even do outside chores, especially since it is cold now. When it was summer he would wait until the yard got ridiculous before he would mow. I just don't know what to do anymore. He has even gotten lazy in the bedroom, he wants sex but this includes me doing most of the work. It's the same thing every single time. I've expressed my unhappiness about all of it and he just makes a joke of it. I have ignored this for the most part and just tried to do things for me. Obviously if I am cooking I cook what I want, if I clean I clean it how I want. He sleeps constantly and stays awake at night, which seems to me like is avoiding being around me. I value the time he is sleeping. He can't even go and pick out a Christmas gift for me. I gave him a list of things, just so he would have an idea. He said... so I have to actually go to a store and pick something out? So I just said forget it, I will order something for myself, He has one task... to get me a charm for my bracelet. Guess what I am getting... .Star Wars charm, can't even think of what I would like outside of himself.

How do I fix this? This isn't about fighting about who is going to do what, he just does nothing. He won't even put trash in the trash can. He is disabled and doesn't work so it's not like he has a lack of time and he's fully able bodied to do anything. He's gained 100 pounds in the last year, yes that's a lot. I told him I feel taken advantage of and he acted like I was crazy. Like what is there to take advantage of? I said think about what you would have to do for yourself, that I do for you now if I died tomorrow. His response was he lived alone before he met me so he doesn't need me. I'm just trying to get him to see the severe lack of anything on his part. We don't fight a lot because I don't participate in any arguments. I am very unhappy with his lack of caring about everything.

I believe he is probably depressed, tis the season. But he has been like this for awhile on doing chores. He does the bare minimum of what has to be done which is let dogs in and out so they don't go to the bathroom in the house. That's pretty much it, he's a K9 babysitter.

On a lighter note I just have stopped caring as much about him. I have found my own happiness, I have been crafting, listening to music that really makes me happy, found my inner strength and love for myself. Just separating myself from his toxic ways. But I still live with him and I am still affected by it. Any advice? I work all day long and it seems incredibly unfair that he can't cook dinner once or clean the house once, or do anything once!

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[Cat Familiar]

Cloudy Days, I am so sorry. I've dealt with many of these issues with my husband, but you've got issues on steroids! I think you're right--he's depressed.

[Cloudy Days]

He is on medication and going to therapy so I am not sure what else there is to do. He changed medications about two months ago, lots of drinking during the change but has slowed down a lot for now.

[maxsterling]

Wow, a very frustrating situation.  I know exactly how you feel.

On a lighter note I just have stopped caring as much about him. I have found my own happiness, I have been crafting, listening to music that really makes me happy, found my inner strength and love for myself. Just separating myself from his toxic ways. But I still live with him and I am still affected by it. Any advice? I work all day long and it seems incredibly unfair that he can't cook dinner once or clean the house once, or do anything once!

Awesome for you in taking care of yourself!

I'm not sure what the answer is here, other than to take care of you and leave his crap up to him.  Lower your expectations.  It sounds like he has no motivation at all, and you can do nothing to change that.

I face similar.  My wife has done almost zero housework in over a year.  Zero cooking, zero cleaning, and just barely taking care of her own needs enough to get by.  Occasionally she will load the dishwasher (half-assed) or empty the dishwasher (leaving half the dishes on the counter claiming she doesn't know where they go).  If she doesn't want to share in chores, fine.  What gets me is when she will complain about being hungry or the house being messy.  If I don't cook, she won't feed herself.  Literally.  She will get out a block of cheese and start eating because she can't think of anything else.  Tonight I won't be home for dinner.  I am willing to bet she will have pretty much just snacked on junk food all night, then complain of a stomach ache or being hungry.  Sometimes when I clean, she insists that I stop, claiming I am intentionally making her feel guilty.  There is absolutely NO way to motivate her to do housework.  Hunger doesn't motivate her to cook, dirty clothes don't motivate her to do laundry, and guilt doesn't make her pitch in.  The most she will do is ask me if I need any help.  Asking me is not helpful - because me having to show her how to do something is just as much stress as doing it myself.  

[Cloudy Days]

I also have the problem that he will not feed himself if I don't cook something. I have to have leftovers for him to heat up or he won't eat and be cranky when I get home. He will eat an entire container of Cottage cheese because it's the only thing that requires no thought to take out of fridge and eat. He goes no where so having clean clothes is low on his priorities and yes he complains of the house being dirty or stinking (we have 5 dogs) you have to stay on top of it or it will smell of dog. I think I do pretty darn good for having 5 dogs.

I guess I just have to have a reality check, expect less and just pay attention to what I want.

[Cat Familiar]

WOW, Max!  I get stop! and the guit trip too when I clean the house!

Cloudy Days, after 10 years with me, my husband is just learning to use the microwave to heat up leftovers.    How did they get along without us?

[ColdEthyl]

If anyone figures this one out, let me know. Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame story. He's on disability, complains about how badly he feels that he doesn't do anything... .but continues to not do anything. I know he IS depressed, but nothing works as far as getting him to pull his weight. Just like Max's wife... .if I don't buy things to microwave or something he can eat right out of the package, he won't eat.

[flourdust]

Very similar issue with my BPD wife. No, I don't understand it, either. She's always had tendencies toward being a slob -- the inside of her car has been a rolling garbage can for as long as I've known her, and clothes, toiletries, magazines, etc. have tended to pile up rather than be put away. I used to do a bit more than her when it came to cleaning, probably because I cared more, but she would always do laundry and usually do her share of bathrooms, dishes, dusting, and tidying up.

In the last few years, it's gotten much, much worse. She stopped doing laundry unless I nagged her, which made her act like I was giving her a huge burden. I finally took over the laundry because it was easier to do it than to cajole her repeatedly. I do all the dishes and most of the cooking. She'll agree to "cook" dinner occasionally, but it's usually something prepared from the store that she heats up or throws together, with haphazard nutritional value. I used to try to persuade her that we should spend a weekend cleaning up the house, but the last time I did that it led to an epic dysregulation, so I haven't tried to get her to clean anything in six months.

Meanwhile, the ... .junk ... .just keeps piling up. Surfaces are covered with clothes, toiletries, papers, empty soda cans, discarded wrappers and clothing tags, shoes, jewelry, bits and pieces of projects she's been working on, crafts from our kid, and so on. I've started to give up on cleaning most of the house, because I can't get through the junk to vacuum or dust. I'm considering getting some storage bins and just boxing all the stuff up so I can clean.

To give an example ... .three months ago, I did a load of laundry. I put my clothes away and left the basket in the living room with her clean, folded clothes out for her to put away. Nothing happened. A week later, I moved the basket to the bedroom, next to her side of the bed. Nothing happened. I did more laundry. I took her new clean clothes and dropped them in the basket on top of the old ones. This was the status quo for 10 weeks. Last week, she shocked me by putting her laundry away and also picking up the dirty clothes that were piled up all over the bedroom and dropping them in the hamper. I had to do three loads just to get through her pile. I have no idea why she suddenly decided to clean something, but it seems to have been a one-time event.

[maxsterling]

Cloudy Days, after 10 years with me, my husband is just learning to use the microwave to heat up leftovers.    How did they get along without us?

My W has to ask me how long to heat something up for... .every time.  it's like she never used a microwave before?

[maryy16]

Honestly, I don't think there's much you can do. If my H feels like he's being "told what to do," he'll shut down and nothing will get done. My H can literally sleep in, watch t.v., eat, nap, watch more t.v., go to bed for the night, and be perfectly happy about his day. Even though, I will be cooking, shopping, cleaning house all around him. His feeling is that he didn't ask me to do all the chores. I'm doing them because I want to.

The only thing that I have found that works is that I'll say something like ,"That tree is getting pretty overgrown. When you feel the urgent, could you please trim it?" Usually this works... .It might take him a few weeks to get it done, but he eventually will do it.

[maxsterling]

I should add that the only time my wife does any kind of housework, it comes in a "panic" triggered by some kind of event.  It could be because she lost something, a visitor is coming to the house, or we are going on vacation.  This "panic" usually involves a flurry of activity that is mostly unproductive and un-prioritized, such as going through boxes of stored clothes rather than organizing what is already out.  As a result, she is constantly re-organizing and putting things in new places, with me getting blamed when she can't find something at a future time.  The other day, we were looking for some gift cards we had gotten for our wedding.  She frantically searched while blaming me for misplacing them.  In the end it was her constant need to throw stuff out and re-organize that had gotten them misplaced. 

She can't stand "clutter", but her lack of daily maintenance allows clutter to build up.  Then she frantically tries to clear the clutter by throwing everything away or re-organizing into illogical places.  A few months later, something is missing, and the process starts again with her frantically trying to remove clutter.

[Cat Familiar]

WOW, Max. Just change the gender of the pronouns and you've described my husband.

[Cloudy Days]

He actually did a load of laundry this morning (his and he didn't fold it)  because he had to go to therapy and needed clean clothes, he fixes himself up for his therapist  . Although when I came home last night I asked him to do two things before I left both of them very easy to do and neither one of them done when I got home... .I told him I am going to stop expecting anything from him because he does nothing already. He weighed himself this morning and was flabber gassed at how much he weighed. I'm serious about the 100 pounds in a year, I don't know what he thinks his diet is doing for him. He complains about not feeling good and I keep telling him it's because of the weight. He went to a ton of doctors and actually did lose some weight, they never found anything wrong with him but he felt better because he had lost weight. Now that he has gained it all back and then some all the problems are coming back, imagine that.

His cleaning skills consist of moving everything to another room so one room looks clean. His room and his truck are spotless however, this is one of the reasons I am so angry about him doing nothing. And yes he will also go on a cleaning rampage if someone is suppose to come over to our home. I think this is one of the reasons he makes sure no one comes over.

[maxsterling]

My mom generally kept a messy house.  Counters filled with clutter, dining room table completely covered with junk.  Yet, like my wife, she would somehow get in a cleaning frenzy before holidays and before vacations.  I think she was cleaning to burn of anxiety and guilty feelings.  And also like my wife, my mom would focus her concern on a few areas of concern and other people's messes rather than her own.  When I was growing up and did the dishes, if I forgot to clean a dirty dish, she would go on and on about leaving a single dirty dish on the counter, yet nothing about the (literally) thousand pieces of junk mail, do-nothings, and what-nots on the counter and kitchen table.  Heck, it didn't have to even be a whole dirty dish, but just a speck of something on a dish that I cleaned.  W is the same way.  She can have dirty clothes all over the floor for a week, then pick them up, and a minute later complain about my one pair of shoes on the floor by the sofa.

I often clean messes W makes, but W will NEVER clean a mess I make.

[Ceruleanblue]

Wow, do I hear you on this. I totally don't mind doing the housework, or cooking and cleaning, because I'm home, and BPDh is working to provide for us. What makes me upset though is that BPDh and my daughter both treat me like I'm the live in maid. One who doesn't deserve ANY respect, and one whose job it is to just clean up after them. This attitude irritates me, and I find it very disrespectful. I mean, if they get something out, they don't put it away. They basically have NO requirements at home, and I find this a little odd. BPDh likes to cook, but he makes an immense mess, whereas I was taught to clean up somewhat as I'm cooking, and he just expects me to clean it up(with the rare exception where he'll clean up).

Last night, I went in to wash off my makeup, and I use toilet paper to wipe my eye makeup remover off. I see that after he'd used the bathroom, he left a scant few sheets of TP on the roll! Now, I could have handled it better, but all I said was "Seriously?" in disbelief. The new rolls of toilet paper are less than two feet away when you sit on the toilet. BPDh husband got really sarcastic and mad, and scathingly said "Wow, Ceruleandblue, I'm so saaaaaad to have inconvenienced YOU!".

I'm so sick of him showing contempt and sarcasm towards me. I was just frustrated, because I don't expect or ask them to do anything around the house, but I DO think common courtesy would be okay: if you get it out, put it away, and for goodness sake, isn't it just common courtesy to change the toilet paper roll if you use the last of it? He allows  himself to have huge blowups, and be verbally abusive, but I can't even get frustrated? That's pretty much the case. I have to be always even tempered and let all roll off, because it will set off his "moods".

These are little things in the whole scheme of life, especially when you are dealing with a PD, but I do think it shows how "superior"(or depressed maybe), that they feel. They don't like things to be asked of them.

[maxsterling]

LOL about the TP - same issue!  I'm sure if you left to squares for your H, he'd blow up!

[ColdEthyl]

Our bedroom looks like a trash pile atm because I haven't been cleaning up after him like I was before. He complains about wanting to be clean and how messy things are but literally does nothing. In the past, he even berated me when we were dating because I worked 3rd shift and I was a single parent so the housework wasn't getting done until the weekends.

He doesn't leave the bedroom because he doesn't like being around my brother. He won't go into the kitchen if someone else is in there. He will turn right around and hide for another 2 hours in the room. Usually, if he tries to go into the kitchen and someone is in there he will just go on a hunger strike. There's no way for anyone to know what time of the day he will decide to eat... .mind you. It's... .absurd.

Since he doesn't leave the room and just lays in bed on his laptop or on the PS4, he's got a crater in the bed where he is, and he's surrounded by empty soda bottles, trash, food packages, bowls,dirty clothes, etc.

I quit complaining about it. It does no good. When it gets to the point where it bugs me, if I ask him if he will help me clean up the room, he will. He just won't do it himself or on his own.

[Cat Familiar]

When we first got together, my husband frequently told me about how his ex-wife left stacks of catalogs all over the kitchen counters. It drove him crazy.

After we built our house together, he made me promise not to do that.

Well, I'm typically very tidy and organized and that behavior would drive me mad as well.

Guess who now leaves stacks of magazines, mail, stuff, all over the dining table?

He gets mad at me when I sweep it all up and bring it to his studio. "You're cluttering up my studio with all this stuff!" Of course all of it belongs to him.

[Cole]

Cloudy Days,

I wish I had a good answer for you. But like so many others, I deal with this, too. BPDw will either do nothing at all or clean every corner of the house and cook everything in site. My wife has told me that when she is in "do nothing" mode, it has a lot to do with not feeling like anything she does is good enough or right, so why try? Anxiety can play heavily into this type of behavior.

One thing that seems to help around here is over the top responses:

"Wow, the kitchen cabinets look better than when they were new!"

"What did you use to mop the floor? It squeaks!"

"That is the best Cajun chicken alfredo I have ever had, even better than last time you made it!"

Giving over the top praise, like you would for a child, works for me. (Keep in mind many BPD's are just big children inside!)

[ColdEthyl]

Cloudy Days,

I wish I had a good answer for you. But like so many others, I deal with this, too. BPDw will either do nothing at all or clean every corner of the house and cook everything in site. My wife has told me that when she is in "do nothing" mode, it has a lot to do with not feeling like anything she does is good enough or right, so why try? Anxiety can play heavily into this type of behavior.

One thing that seems to help around here is over the top responses:

"Wow, the kitchen cabinets look better than when they were new!"

"What did you use to mop the floor? It squeaks!"

"That is the best Cajun chicken alfredo I have ever had, even better than last time you made it!"

Giving over the top praise, like you would for a child, works for me. (Keep in mind many BPD's are just big children inside!)

This is true. Whenever my husband actually does something, this is my response and he usually glows from it and tries a little harder... .for a while.

[waverider]

I have all the same issues here, there is nothing you can do to change them. You can try all the boundaries and as long as you are expending energy enforcing them the MAY work for a while, but once you stop obsessing about ian issue and get on with your life the behavior returns. This is because any motivation they have for complying is done for effect rather than learning any real sense of responsibility as a motivator.

Do you really want to spend your energy constantly having to implement boundaries around everything, and stlil be left short?

My wife even acknowledges she does nothing, and says she feels guilty about it... but still does nothing, not even to feel less guilty is a good enough motivator. She will still put more effort into an excuse than it would take to do the simplest task... .

The freezer and fridge is chockers, pantry is full, I buy in bulk when things are on special. Yet she will complain there is nothing to eat because her current fad food has run out. At the moment thats ice cream bars and cereal... and I am supposed to drop whatever I am doing and rush out to restock... pfft...

As you read in this topic it is a common BPD trait, and jumping up and down getting annoyed and making demands is just a waste of energy...

So how does all this affect you and how does it impair you life? How can we minimize this effect on us?

I find being the only one that does anything I struggle to find motivation to renovate and do general home improvements knowing that a freshly painted slum is still a slum, and after making the effort it is only going to annoy me more, as the reward and pride for having a nice house will not be there.

I find it more rewarding to go fishing... and life should be rewarding.

[ColdEthyl]

I have all the same issues here, there is nothing you can do to change them. You can try all the boundaries and as long as you are expending energy enforcing them the MAY work for a while, but once you stop obsessing about ian issue and get on with your life the behavior returns. This is because any motivation they have for complying is done for effect rather than learning any real sense of responsibility as a motivator.

Do you really want to spend your energy constantly having to implement boundaries around everything, and stlil be left short?

My wife even acknowledges she does nothing, and says she feels guilty about it... but still does nothing, not even to feel less guilty is a good enough motivator. She will still put more effort into an excuse than it would take to do the simplest task... .

The freezer and fridge is chockers, pantry is full, I buy in bulk when things are on special. Yet she will complain there is nothing to eat because her current fad food has run out. At the moment thats ice cream bars and cereal... and I am supposed to drop whatever I am doing and rush out to restock... pfft...

As you read in this topic it is a common BPD trait, and jumping up and down getting annoyed and making demands is just a waste of energy...

So how does all this affect you and how does it impair you life? How can we minimize this effect on us?

I find being the only one that does anything I struggle to find motivation to renovate and do general home improvements knowing that a freshly painted slum is still a slum, and after making the effort it is only going to annoy me more, as the reward and pride for having a nice house will not be there.

I find it more rewarding to go fishing... and life should be rewarding.

Haha exactly! This has been my new attitude about it. I'll do it if it bothers me enough. Otherwise, there's no point in bashing my head against that wall. When he complains, I have found saying nonchalantly or accusatory "Well sweety, you will have time to do that tomorrow if you would like" usually shuts that right off.

[waverider]

Cloudy Days,

I wish I had a good answer for you. But like so many others, I deal with this, too. BPDw will either do nothing at all or clean every corner of the house and cook everything in site. My wife has told me that when she is in "do nothing" mode, it has a lot to do with not feeling like anything she does is good enough or right, so why try? Anxiety can play heavily into this type of behavior.

One thing that seems to help around here is over the top responses:

"Wow, the kitchen cabinets look better than when they were new!"

"What did you use to mop the floor? It squeaks!"

"That is the best Cajun chicken alfredo I have ever had, even better than last time you made it!"

Giving over the top praise, like you would for a child, works for me. (Keep in mind many BPD's are just big children inside!)

This is true. Whenever my husband actually does something, this is my response and he usually glows from it and tries a little harder... .for a while.

No sure this is a good move in the long run, it reinforces the giving for approval as a motivatior. I used to do this, wife needed a score out of 10 for everything she cooked, eventually any less than 10 was seen as a failure. Novelty then wore off so now does nothing.

Sometimes I think this behavior comes from a FOO background of false praise, or non at all... ie they never developed a sense of balance for achievement. Which results in either avoidance or over entitlement of praise as a coping tool. Both result in minimal effort.

It encourages mercenary motivation

[Cole]

Sometimes I think this behavior comes from a FOO background of false praise, or non at all... ie they never developed a sense of balance for achievement. Which results in either avoidance or over entitlement of praise as a coping tool. Both result in minimal effort.

Yep. Waverider hit it square on the head, again.

MIL is extremely passive aggressive. I have heard her say:

"What a nice sweater you bought. Too bad you did not find it 10 years ago when it was in style."

"You are a good cook. Too bad none of us like that kind of food."   

W never could, does not, and will never do anything right for MIL, so she gave up on trying to do anything.

Only over the top praise with full acceptance of how something was done can work for W now. She is always looking for the other shoe to fall or assuming a normal "job well done" means she did not do it right.   

[maxsterling]

So, considering this is a common issue in our households, has anyone ever seen a pwBPD change in this regard and actually gain motivation to do something?

It's not just motivation towards housework that W lacks, it's motivation towards life.  Same goes for her career, friendships, potential hobbies, etc.  There must be some kind of motivating factor in order for her to do it.  Loneliness, shame, and even money are usually not motivation enough.  My W is motivated towards NOTHING.  Even if she craves ice cream, she won't leave the house to go get it.  Her only motivation is to go home and put her PJs on and lay on the sofa or in bed. 

[ColdEthyl]

Max,

Stop writing my life story.

[waverider]

So, considering this is a common issue in our households, has anyone ever seen a pwBPD change in this regard and actually gain motivation to do something?

It's not just motivation towards housework that W lacks, it's motivation towards life.  Same goes for her career, friendships, potential hobbies, etc.  There must be some kind of motivating factor in order for her to do it.  Loneliness, shame, and even money are usually not motivation enough.  My W is motivated towards NOTHING.  Even if she craves ice cream, she won't leave the house to go get it.  Her only motivation is to go home and put her PJs on and lay on the sofa or in bed. 

Ditto except my wife wont even put PJs on, she sleeps fully clothed in whatever she was wearing during the day... .which in itself is a step forward as it used to be dressing gown all day.

[flourdust]

I feel that this is tied into self-care in some way. My wife is really erratic when it comes to making appointments to take care of things. She does OK with scheduling and keeping most of her medical appointments, but she'll occasionally get referrals that she never acts on. She kept "forgetting" to make appointments to have her car serviced for a year, until I did it for her. I know that was enabling, but the consequences of her car breaking down would have impacted the whole family. She can be incredibly passive about things like light bulbs burning out, smoke detector batteries failing, appliances malfunctioning. She complains about these things but doesn't act to fix them.

[flourdust]

Oh, and max ... .I think my wife has desires but her motivation to do things for herself is lacking. When she does have that motivation, it tends to manifest in unproductive ways that becomes a discouraging feedback loop. For example, when she was looking for work, she was incredibly inefficient -- spending hours every day looking at the same job boards over and over, then spending more hours researching a job she was interested in, and dozens of hours preparing an application. This wasn't incredibly complicated stuff -- all she needed to do was tweak her standard application materials for the job in question, but she turned each application into a major, time-sucking project.

[maxsterling]

Ethyl - LOL!

Sorry, but serious question here.  I've held out hope for awhile that this was something that could change in time if my wife started feeling better - less depressed.  With medication and some self-awareness, her raging has been less, and she has been more functional.  But overall motivation is something that hasn't changed.  And from what I am reading, this sounds like something that I just have to live with  

I have two jobs.  I am motivated to do them because 1) I enjoy the people I work with; 2) I get some satisfaction out of what I do; 3) I want to earn money.  I have hobbies because I get satisfaction out of them.  I clean and do housework because I feel better about myself, I like the end result, and I have learned to enjoy the process.   Sure, the motivations change, and sometimes there are other motivations (to please others), but for the most part I don't need others to get me to do things.

If what is being said here about pwBPD is true, that they don't have those internal motivations, is this something that can be changed?  In the 3 years I have known my wife, I can think of a single thing she has done resulting from internal motivation.  Nearly everything she does is reluctantly.  She wants to please others, she has to in order to keep living, she's killing time, feeding an addiction, etc.