Trying to sort things out

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Since December, my uBPDh has been doing some serious reading about shame (Gifts of Imperfection, Soul of Shame, etc) and said that the books said he had problems. Then, his employer has given him the task of teaching about empathy, so he has been researching what empathy is and why some people have more problems responding with empathy. He has been reflecting on his own life and childhood with parents who were not available to him when he was young. He is also working with a Spiritual Director and a therapist on a monthly basis. Also, he is taking antidepressants which seem to be keeping him from running from the problems.

I have been developing friendships outside my husband and renewing some of my own practices. I'm also working on an employment training program and have weekly counseling appointments. A few weeks ago, I moved out of our bedroom because I couldn't stand the feeling of being a prisoner in my own bed. He would get upset if I woke up and got up before he was awake. When I made the move, I knew that it was going to trigger his abandonment fears and thoughts.

For a couple of weeks, he was upset about the move, bringing up divorce a couple of times. I knew that it was intensely emotional for him, but I held to my decision. Our d11 heard our argument one evening and was worried that I might agree with him about living separately which would create 'stress' for her. (what she expressed as her worry -- I think living in such an environment is stressful as well, she probably doesn't realize it though) She was also worried about the possibility of my h hurting himself. All this indicated to me that there were some pretty intense emotions that h was experiencing.

In the later part of last week, he was able to tell me that it has been emotional for him with lots of tears as he drives around in the car for his work, and that he couldn't keep the emotional intensity up.

So, for Valentine's day, he created a photo display for my graduation (one of the things that I have mentioned not being 'recognized'. He also got a card and wrote me a letter. The letter expressed sorrow over the abuse and mistrust that he has committed and had toward me. Then, he said that he couldn't keep holding on to our marriage because that was tearing him up inside. He created an idol and was looking for the marriage to provide him with security (that should come from God), so he said that he released me from my duty/obligation as a wife. He says that he still loves me and wants to be in relationship with me, but if I can't or don't want to, he will bless me in whatever I need.

As I said, I'm trying to sort all this out. I was thinking today about the instability that comes up from time to time, especially in times of stress. He has been talking about how he has been able to feel the love of God (maybe more than he ever has) in the middle of the tears and emotions.

So, recognizing his feelings of shame, anxious attachment to me, and mistrust; working on empathetic listening and feeling love and acceptance from God. He has also started attending Celebrate Recovery which gives him a place where he doesn't have to be 'perfect' or a leader/role model.

I'm still a bit skeptical of the changes... .

[empath]

Since December, my uBPDh has been doing some serious reading about shame (Gifts of Imperfection, Soul of Shame, etc) and said that the books said he had problems. Then, his employer has given him the task of teaching about empathy, so he has been researching what empathy is and why some people have more problems responding with empathy. He has been reflecting on his own life and childhood with parents who were not available to him when he was young. He is also working with a Spiritual Director and a therapist on a monthly basis. Also, he is taking antidepressants which seem to be keeping him from running from the problems.

I have been developing friendships outside my husband and renewing some of my own practices. I'm also working on an employment training program and have weekly counseling appointments. A few weeks ago, I moved out of our bedroom because I couldn't stand the feeling of being a prisoner in my own bed. He would get upset if I woke up and got up before he was awake. When I made the move, I knew that it was going to trigger his abandonment fears and thoughts.

For a couple of weeks, he was upset about the move, bringing up divorce a couple of times. I knew that it was intensely emotional for him, but I held to my decision. Our d11 heard our argument one evening and was worried that I might agree with him about living separately which would create 'stress' for her. (what she expressed as her worry -- I think living in such an environment is stressful as well, she probably doesn't realize it though) She was also worried about the possibility of my h hurting himself. All this indicated to me that there were some pretty intense emotions that h was experiencing.

In the later part of last week, he was able to tell me that it has been emotional for him with lots of tears as he drives around in the car for his work, and that he couldn't keep the emotional intensity up.

So, for Valentine's day, he created a photo display for my graduation (one of the things that I have mentioned not being 'recognized'. He also got a card and wrote me a letter. The letter expressed sorrow over the abuse and mistrust that he has committed and had toward me. Then, he said that he couldn't keep holding on to our marriage because that was tearing him up inside. He created an idol and was looking for the marriage to provide him with security (that should come from God), so he said that he released me from my duty/obligation as a wife. He says that he still loves me and wants to be in relationship with me, but if I can't or don't want to, he will bless me in whatever I need.

As I said, I'm trying to sort all this out. I was thinking today about the instability that comes up from time to time, especially in times of stress. He has been talking about how he has been able to feel the love of God (maybe more than he ever has) in the middle of the tears and emotions.

So, recognizing his feelings of shame, anxious attachment to me, and mistrust; working on empathetic listening and feeling love and acceptance from God. He has also started attending Celebrate Recovery which gives him a place where he doesn't have to be 'perfect' or a leader/role model.

I'm still a bit skeptical of the changes... .

[formflier]

 

What were you trying to communicate to him by moving out of the bedroom?

Do you still go back and snuggle and have sex with him?

I saw lots of good stuff in this post, where it appears both parties are moving in a more positive direction,

FF

[empath]

I wasn't trying to communicate anything other than I needed to sleep separate from him. I had been having a hard time sleeping for a while, and it was hard for me to be in our bed due to some of the abuse. There hasn't been snuggling or sex for about a year since the frightening situation happened during our intimate time; that was a line that at I drew and have stuck with. I couldn't do it anymore with integrity. Thankfully, he realized that he needed to get help so that he didn't do something worse.

[formflier]

 

OK, , did you tell him this directly.  Tell him it was about your sleep?

I understand he can hear what he wants.

If you are saying something and your actions are matching that then I think you are ok and you are making as healthy a contribution to your side of the dynamic as you can.

It can be very confusing for guys (with and without PDs) when their mate starts sleeping in other places.

Good for you for making changes that you needed to take care of you!

FF

[empath]

When I decided to sleep separately, I did tell him it was about my sleep. He talked with his therapist about it who thought it was a positive step. He has also heard from the guys at CR that separations happen sometimes as a consequence of their actions.

Making sure that my words and actions are consistent is something that I'm trying to be aware of -- and consistent in my h's mind, which is a challenge.