Can't stop thinking

[crashintome]

I seriously can't stop thinking about her.  We've done the she leaves me, she comes back thing so many times I've lost count, but this time is different.

Before this time, I was always "the other girl."  She had a girlfriend and I was her "side dish"  (she actually called me that - she said her GF was steak and I was her mashed potatoes).  This time, though, she was single.  She refused to "label" us, but this time just felt different to me.

She always said to me that she needed a girl to take care of her.  I did that.  I flew out there, basically furnished her house, bought all of her food/drinks, paid bills, bought her stuff she wanted.  I proved to her I could take care of her.  I really thought that would prove to her I could give her the stability she wanted.

All of the pain aside, I love her.  I'm in love with her and I love her as a person.  Despite her downfalls, she was at one point my best friend.  That is one of the things that is hardest to get over.  Because I'm in love with her, I can't be "just friends" but I miss our friendship.

I'm sitting here thinking, crying, depressed.  I'm thinking about past conversations we had.  Before I moved, she just bought a brand new Jeep and a house.  In addition to her normal bills, she has those 2 huge payments.  She told me she is about $800 a month short each month.  This girl she went back to (according to L) isn't moving in any time soon (new lease on a new place less than a month ago).  I'm sitting her, probably irrationally, worried about L.  A part of me wants to message her mom on Facebook and tell her, if L needs anything, to let me know and I will see that she gets it.

Financially, I am set.  Low bills, decent pay.  Before she left me again, I offered to supplement her income till she got back on her feet.  I read in the paper that she is probably getting furloughed at work (federal employee) so she is going to really need the extra money.  Am I being stupid?  I wouldn't want her to know the help came from me - I would have her mom be the go-between.  But I'm worried about her.  I don't want to see her struggle.  I just have this stupid soft spot for her.

What would you do?  Should I message her mom?  Or should I just say she's now this other girl's problem and hope these thoughts go away?

[fakename]

whenever i'm feeling down about my exgf with BPD, i read some of 2010's posts... .  

it helps me a lot

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts


i am undecided on whether i want to try to make it work with her or not, but deep down i am leaning towards letting her go and moving on... .  i could have a happier life in time after i learn more about myself

hope you feel better

[mosaicbird]

Am I being stupid? 

YES. And you know it. She wants someone to take care of her? How about she grows up and learns to take care of herself? She will never learn to be a responsible person if you enable her. Is that what you want for her? For her to always be dependent on someone else? Or do you want to see her grow as a person, and be able to meet you on equal ground?

You care about her welfare and well-being. The best way to do that, frankly, is to let her fall.

[arabella]

mosaicbird is right - she'll never be the woman she should be if you keep enabling her. She needs to stand on her own two feet. You're coming up with excuses to still have contact. I would probably do the same, but it's totally unhealthy and a really bad idea. You're worried about payments on a new Jeep and a house. She could sell both if she needed to - we're not talking about necessities here.

You need to find somewhere to direct your energy. Worrying about your ex is going to sink you further and further into depression. You have a lot of love to give - go give it to someone who can be there for you!

[crashintome]

That all makes perfect sense, but I still can't shake this feeling.  I'm literally exhausted from worrying and thinking about her.  I just want to know she is okay.  I sat in front of my computer all day with my phone by my side in case she contacted me.

[fakename]

i agree with mosaicbird and arabella. they give sound advice and have helped me a lot.

there are going to me moments when its tough and i went through what youre saying. but bottom line in my opinion, is what you had with her, was not real.  it was a fantasy that you both created together. what was real were the bad times. the good times were when you would dip into that fantasy.

i also went through that period of 'i just want to make sure she's ok'... .  but she knows what shes doing with her actions, and she has to be accountable for her decisions, just like you or i would for ours. i know i want someone responsible in my life, and someone who listen when i give me input. not a child whose hand i have to hold through life. that limits the output i am able to deliver with my life, and i know there is more to me than having to tend to a girl that didnt think enough of our r/s to figure out what she was doing wrong from her end and putting in the effort to rectify herself.


like i said, whenever i'm down i come to these boards. i read what others have to say, and i'm still making my way through 2010's posts.  i've replaced her with bpdfamily.com until i am able to stand on my own 2 feet again.  unlike my ex, who replaced me with other guys.  i am alone, but not entirely lonely, i am learning my faults, how my mind operates, and why i do the things that i do.  in time, through the pain, and as this story of my life fades away, i will be proud of who i've become. 

i still hope she's taking care of herself and finds her happiness and gets in touch with her issues, and i hope that she does that by tomorrow and she'll come back to me... .  but i have to be realistic, and focus on me.  i've neglected my values and life principles so many times because i thought i loved her. but what i loved wasn't real. i dont know what it was yet, but i know it wasn't real nor good for my overall well-being

i think if you've had the strength to be in a r/s with your partner, you have way more than enough strength to take the steps to improve yourself... .  so far NC since feb 4th, except for an email she sent me 2 days ago has made me stronger. though the email provided a glimpse of how weak i still am, when i thought i was strong enough... .  

keep your strength going. for you

[fakename]

also, you mentioned you sit in front of the computer and by the phone all day.

look, i sit on the computer for a very long time checking into this site... i know i'm still depressed to an extent, but i still force myself to do things for myself like workout and eat healthy every day. i need to be productive or the depression will take over. forcing myself isnt always easy, but i know i must do it.  eventually i'll make the steps to be at the level of productivity i should be at, but i'm content with my progress so far.

i am still undecided. but i'm learning more about who i am in the process - who i was before, how i've grown because of my ex, and what i what to grow into, and the type of life i want to live.  everyone is always saying life is short, but that's baloney. having to spend decades with a significant other and grow old together - thats a whole lot of days that will have to go by, and honestly, i dont want to spend it the way i have my last 3 years. that would be a miserable life.  and i'd give myself all sorts of diseases and health issues from all the stress and all

[benny2]

You are so right fakename. You just reminded me of how I was a few weeks ago. Determined to move on and find a better life without him, but I am afraid I am falling back into the pit. He told me last night that he still does not have his head together, big surprise, but I know thats his way of telling me not to expect much from him. I know I am extremely depressed when we are having NC, and I seem much happier when we are so I guess for now, this is working for me, but I know the outcome. Its just soo hard. I have known this man for 17 years. He has gone from being my lover, best friend, and the love of my life, to my enemy and back again so many times I have lost count.

[fakename]

diane22121,

i know what you're saying... .  i went through the being extremely depressed when we had NC, and thinking that it was worth being with her even if it was only a short time... .  i think that was me just looking for a distraction to not face the pain.  worried i wouldn't find another r/s with the passion and intensity as this one... .  

i knew what the outcome would be each time i got back together with her, but i overlooked it, cause 1 hour or 1 day was more than enough. jsut to experience how it felt when around her and cuddle with her... .  

i am at the point, where i find my comfort in learning more about myself, and i wouldnt mind being solo for the rest of my life if it comes to that, as long as i continue to explore my mind, and create things or find hobbies. it would be nice to share life with someone, but most important to me if having my inner peace and evolving as a person.

however, i am still undecided. today i woke up after a kinda rough day yesterday, and fully committed to moving on. then i saw some posts on here about fighting through it and believing in hope and as sure as i was and still feel i am about moving on with my life, something in me wants to give it another shot.  maybe that i dont want to quit, maybe that i feel that i can, not necessarily save her, but help her... help her cope and understand herself better. thats not my responsibility but for some reason i want to make it mine.

i do know that despite being undecided, it is time i stood up for myself, my values and life principles, and not allow myself to get stepped all over, or boundaries to be ignored. i deserve that, because thats what i give to others.  if i dont stand up for myself, i'll never respect myself, and i'll just grow more dysfunction inside myself that will lead to other problems in the future.  i have to take care of myself, and while it begins with how i treat myself, it also includes how i allow others to treat me. 

[arabella]

crashintome,

You may never shake that feeling. I still wonder about one of my ex's from 15 years ago! I still hold him in my heart and I still hope he is well. But that doesn't mean that we were right together, and it doesn't mean that I didn't move on - I did (I had to). I remember when I broke up with that particular person, I was a complete mess for weeks on end. I dragged myself through my days, lost a lot of weight (no appetite), and generally looked like crap. It got better. IT GETS BETTER. You are going to be okay. 

fakename,

You know what? You already sound so much more positive than you did a mere few days ago. It probably doesn't seem that way to you, but reading your posts I think you're doing an amazing job! You've got the right attitude and, whether things work out with your ex or not, I very much doubt that you will end up alone for very long. Positive people who have healthy attitudes and healthy lives attract others like bees to honey! 

[fakename]

arabella...

hahaha... thanks a lot.

i def. feel a lot better than i did. it's different than our other breakups, because i've been able to come here to talk and understand things. that makes all the difference. realizing it wasn't me or anything i could have done.

its still tough for me in that i am still undecided, but the difference is while i'm undecided, i know i'm going to hold my boundaries. i deserve to be treated a certain way.

i still come to the site a lot more than i would like - meaning i need to start doing more productive stuff for me and live out my life, but i am learning and growing when i come here, so i'm not going to beat myself up.

i think what also makes it easier for me is that i kinda gave up alcohol over a year ago, (feb 11th 2012)... .  i went from drinking everyday because i was convinced i needed it, to only drinking 4 times in the past year (on special occasions).

just as i was convinced i needed my ex, it's just not true... .  now i just need to apply that to cigarettes and i'm set!

also, i am a realist in that, because i am still undecided, i dont know how i will respond if she tries to contact me again. i cant know until i know how she contacts and what she says, and then i have to carefully think out how i feel and what i deserve.  i do feel more positive and its really cause of the support of you and others on this board, but deep down there's still something in me that is willing to give it another chance- maybe cause now i know she has BPD, or a host of other possible reasons.  we'll see what happens as the days go on.

but thanks for all your help and support.

[arabella]

fakename,

I know what you mean about these boards changing how you feel about things - I'm the exact same way! I don't think that being here is any less productive than anything else. It's a form of therapy and online learning. Nothing is more productive than learning, improving yourself, healing, and contributing to the world (just because you can't see us doesn't mean you aren't interacting with real people)!

Congratulations on your recent alcohol anniversary! I think that's really great - a huge step in the right direction for anyone. You obviously have tremendous will power and presence of mind.

I like that you're leaving your options open and taking events as they come. I do the same. I find it calming not to insist on absolutes in my life. If pwBPD are black/white thinkers I'm firmly an all grey thinker!

Take care, fakename - I hope to keep seeing you around here (even if it's for my own selfish reasons - I value your input and support!)