Why does she keep unblocking my number then blocking it again then unblock?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone

So I’m 9 weeks out of a relationship with my BPD ex and about 5 weeks NC.

She discarded me and blocked from everywhere and 8 hours later she unblocked my number then blocked it again when I called. She kept it blocked for a week then I had my mother talk to her mother (something serious in our culture that indicates that the man is willing to propose to the girl) and her mother told mine that her daughter wants nothing to do with me.

A day after that, my ex unblocked my number then when I called she hung up and blocked it again. I went NC for two weeks then tried calling again out of curiosity and found out that I was unblocked again only to be blocked again a few hours later.

What does this blocking/unblocking mean? And why did she unblock me only to block me again whenever I call?

During that time (the first few weeks after our breakup) I found out that she had been trying to talk to as many guys as possible so it’s weird that she kept unblocking me

[SomeoneNice]

Hello everyone

So I’m 9 weeks out of a relationship with my BPD ex and about 5 weeks NC.

She discarded me and blocked from everywhere and 8 hours later she unblocked my number then blocked it again when I called. She kept it blocked for a week then I had my mother talk to her mother (something serious in our culture that indicates that the man is willing to propose to the girl) and her mother told mine that her daughter wants nothing to do with me.

A day after that, my ex unblocked my number then when I called she hung up and blocked it again. I went NC for two weeks then tried calling again out of curiosity and found out that I was unblocked again only to be blocked again a few hours later.

What does this blocking/unblocking mean? And why did she unblock me only to block me again whenever I call?

During that time (the first few weeks after our breakup) I found out that she had been trying to talk to as many guys as possible so it’s weird that she kept unblocking me

[Sappho11]

Sounds like she wants to know whether you're still thinking of her. Once she knows that you are, she blocks you again because she doesn't actually want you close. It's just her selfish desire to know whether she's still "got" you.

[SomeoneNice]

@Sappho11

I have been in NC for five weeks now and I had already blocked her number and blocked her from everywhere. I think that she might have noticed by now as this has been the longest I never tried to reach out. What happens when she realizes that she no longer “Got” me?

She’s with me in my university online classes and I just pay her no attention. She tries hard to make it seem like she doesn’t care that I’m in class by trying to participate in class as much as possible (she previously never participated when we were together)

[Sappho11]

@Sappho11

I have been in NC for five weeks now and I had already blocked her number and blocked her from everywhere. I think that she might have noticed by now as this has been the longest I never tried to reach out. What happens when she realizes that she no longer “Got” me?

She’s with me in my university online classes and I just pay her no attention. She tries hard to make it seem like she doesn’t care that I’m in class by trying to participate in class as much as possible (she previously never participated when we were together)

This is pure speculation, but it sounds as if she's still trying to manipulate you. You're thinking of her, wondering about her out-of-sorts behaviour, and it may (!) be the reason why she's behaving that way.

Plenty of people here, including myself, report that their ex suddenly reaches back out again when you've reached a certain level of healing – or when it seems as if you have. There's a two-pronged reason for that:

1) The Borderline aspect of a pwBPD's personality, which is deathly scared of abandonment, compels them to check whether you as a source have truly "abandoned" them, as this causes them great psychological distress.
2) The narcissistic aspect of their personality constantly screens their environment for so-called narcissistic supply, i. e. healthy, mentally strong people who can give them attention and validation. Once determined that you're in a healthy, good place and can provide them with this service, they're attracted to you again like flies to honey.

It all boils down to: Whatever she does, it has nothing to do with you. This is merely the pathological behaviour of a disordered person looking for supply in order to (mentally) survive. Your feelings as a person, and your personality, and everything that makes you wonderful and human, will never factor in for her. You're a source of supply and she's probably undecided whether she still wants your services.

It is up to you whether you want to continue in this one-sided relationship. Be warned, though, that no matter what you do, your role in it will never change.

[SomeoneNice]

First of all I want to thank you for taking the time to answer my question, it really means a lot

And from what I understand from you is that it’s likely for her to suddenly unblock me and try to find a way to reach me even though I had blocked her from everywhere?

And if she does that, it’s not because she misses me or remembers all the stuff that I’ve done for her that no one else would do but because she just wants to know that I’m still an option?

It’s such an overwhelming burden to know that the person you’ would take a bullet for was just a mask tailored for your preference and now that mask has been discarded along with you.

My ex literally changed everything after the breakup, dyed her hair green, has nose piercings, and started wearing crosses even though we are both Muslims

[poppy2]

Hi SomeoneNice,

So basically I can say - been there. In my case, this blocking/unblocking was a pure power play on the part of my ex. It really, really confused me, but with the knowledge of hindsight I can offer you this advice:

Once this dynamic exists, you need to step out of it. It doesn't matter why she is doing it, or whether or not there are "hopeful signals" buried there or not. For me, it seemed to me like my ex could totally reject me, build massive walls around herself, even tell me "i never want to speak to you again" .. and then unblock me, or make weird subterranean gestures of love or understanding. It's the illness in operation, the fear of engulfment (protection-survival-rejection) vs. the fear of abandonment (I can't lose you). What really tugged at my heart strings and kept me "hoping" is that, as you say, I deeply cared about her (don't know if I would have taken a bullet  but I understand the sentiment very well) and so any sign of "renewed interest" kept me hoping that behind those massive walls and dysfunctional, rejecting behaviours was a person who wanted and needed my love. I don't know if that's how you feel right now, but if it is, I hope you understand that you are just in a relation to an illness now, and not a person, as hard as that may be to acknowledge.

The best thing to do is to ignore these behaviours, and take her at her word - she wants nothing to do with you. Leave her alone. If she comes back to you or makes a gesture on a firm, equal terrain, of mutual respect and communication, then that will be a very firm foundation for you going forward. If you somehow engage with this stuff then you are engaging with the illess and it will therefore be a kind of "encouragement" to that illness. by controlling your access to her, she is, in a sense, trying to control you. I know that this is probably very upsetting to you, it certainly was to me at the time. And of course, I don't know you and so I don't know if this advice is sound. But, having been in the exact same situation as you, that is what I would have told the past me.

From your last post, I maybe see that you're worried if you block her she won't have a way to get in touch? She could always find a way, like speaking to her mother. As hard as it is, try to think only about yourself now, including in your uni classes. if it helps, you can think to yourself - if I focus on being healthy myself now, then I will be in a better position in the future if she decides to come back. Also, there are many answers to whether this was a "mask" or not, like the workshop on this forum about whether they "loved you" or not. It's a hard road to walk, and I am still trying to reconcile all of that myself too. Good luck.

[SomeoneNice]

Hi poppy2

I also suspected this to be some kind of power play or test. This makes it hurt more because she used to be such an innocent child-like girl who would have never harm a soul and then she switched one overnight.

You see, after the break up with her, I went as far as transforming my body and physique to win her back. I even persuaded a career in the fitness industry and researched so much into BPD. I also had my mother call her mother to fix things between us (in our culture, this indicates the seriousness of the guy and that he wants to get engaged to the girl). These were all things that my ex wanted so badly just a day before the breakup but would easily reject them after the breakup.

However, I noticed that each time I did one of these things to “prove my love to her” (her reason of breaking up was because she believed that I was a narcissist who never loved her and that everything I’ve ever did for her was so that I can control her) she would unblock my number then block it whenever I call them unblock my number the next time I tried something different.

And the real kick is, while I was busting my rear end trying to do everything in my power to make her happy and win her back, she had already gotten back in touch with the guys she used to flirt with before we dated just two weeks after the break up. This made me even more baffled with the block/unblock thing as why would she keep unblocking me when she already has plenty of guys around her.

And finally, the most depressing part of all, is that I have no hope for us. Not because I believe that she won’t try to come back, but because I have researched a lot into BPD and know that even if she does come back she’s going to leave me again now that she knows how easy it is to hit the block button and move on to the next guy.

I still love her and miss her deeply even after the constant abuse I’ve received from her before and after the breakup. She was my first true love and I was willing to do anything for her. I’m 9 weeks out and still don’t know when will this pain go away...

[Shaken54]

I agree it sure means she is at least thinking about you, part of that too is they are stuck emotionally as a child and that is the same kind of behavior you would see from say a 12 year old. Its something I have been through as well and makes you just scratch your head.

They seem to always be attention seeking, at least that's how it feels.

[once removed]

likely for similar reasons that members here do/are doing the same thing.

What does this blocking/unblocking mean? And why did she unblock me only to block me again whenever I call?

there are two things you can clearly extrapolate that are important to know:

1. unblocking is not the same thing as an invitation for contact. its not unusual to see it that way, but it is usually misreading the circumstances. if she blocks you when you reach out, thats what shes saying.

2. people block other people because they want to erect high walls/barriers. they tend to unblock when they feel thats no longer needed. theyll do it again if it seems warranted.

And finally, the most depressing part of all, is that I have no hope for us.

hope is the hardest part to let go of. freedom is on the other side.

[SomeoneNice]

I agree it sure means she is at least thinking about you, part of that too is they are stuck emotionally as a child and that is the same kind of behavior you would see from say a 12 year old. Its something I have been through as well and makes you just scratch your head.

They seem to always be attention seeking, at least that's how it feels.

I honestly don’t know how they think. It baffles me how one can discard a one year relationship in which I took care of her during months of sickness and endured her abuse while sacrificing every bit of money, health, and sleep I had for her happiness then immediately start seeking attention from every guy out there and then still think about me.

[SomeoneNice]

likely for similar reasons that members here do/are doing the same thing.

there are two things you can clearly extrapolate that are important to know:

1. unblocking is not the same thing as an invitation for contact. its not unusual to see it that way, but it is usually misreading the circumstances. if she blocks you when you reach out, thats what shes saying.

2. people block other people because they want to erect high walls/barriers. they tend to unblock when they feel thats no longer needed. theyll do it again if it seems warranted.

hope is the hardest part to let go of. freedom is on the other side.

She once told me that she wants the guy to keep chasing her to prove he “cares”
She discarded her ex of four years and blocked him everywhere, the guy kept trying to contact her from different fake accounts and blocked from everywhere. She dated around five or six guys while he was blocked and then after her last relationship failed she started talking to him again then got extremely upset that he told her he has a girlfriend now.

She literally dated multiple guys but wanted him to stay in misery waiting on her to come back and not talk to any girls...

[grumpydonut]

Someone,

Do you want to be that guy? Do you want to live that life?

[SomeoneNice]

Someone,

Do you want to be that guy? Do you want to live that life?

I really don’t. That’s why I want this state of depression to end. If I am to put my feelings into words it would be “I feel like everything I had known is a lie”

Is there an average time duration for this pain to end? It’s been two and a half months for me now and the pain is much manageable than it was before but it still is there.

[grumpydonut]

I don't think so. You can only control what you can control. As long as you're not doing anything to lengthen your healing - contacting her, checking her online profiles, etc - then you'll definitely move forward.

[brighter future]

Is there an average time duration for this pain to end? It’s been two and a half months for me now and the pain is much manageable than it was before but it still is there.

There are a lot of similarities in our situations. The relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f about 17 months ago. I was told that I was the "love of her life and soulmate". She desperately wanted engagement and marriage. When I told her that I felt we needed to wait and sort out personal issues first, I was immediately discarded. She immediately resumed a relationship with the guy that she discarded to start seeing me. Her life situation and emotional issues have not changed since our split so I've been told. Despite telling me that she had nothing left to say to me at our split, she is the one the tried resuming contact again via text and social media messages 4-5 months later after I went NC. I see her in passing every so often as her parents live next door to me.

Our breakup occurred in mid April 2020, and the level of intense emotional pain for me did not ease up until roughly three months later in July 2020. I sought professional counseling in May 2020 and attended weekly sessions, which helped immensely along with this forum.  I felt very mild to moderate emotional pain over next 5-6 months and began to notice a big difference for the better in the latter part of January/early February 2021.

Now, I can honestly say that I still think of her fairly often and the good times we had, however, I could care less about what she's doing in her life now and who she's with. Those thoughts used to tear me up inside. Since I've stepped out of the relationship, I've discovered that the negative far outweighed the positive, and now I'm grateful that it ended when it did.   I've dated two people since she and I broke up. The first one was just casual dating, and it did not work out. I've been seeing the girl that I'm with now for two months and so far so good. None of the unhealthy behaviors that were present virtually immediately in my previous relationship have popped up in this new relationship. This girl is self-sufficient, owns her own home, and has been employed by the same employer for 11+ years. Getting out again and having fun with someone else has definitely helped me move on and see that there's better things out there for me. I believe that waiting a year to put myself back together before I started dating again was the right thing to do for me. I honestly wouldn't have been much good for anyone during that time period, and I didn't want to get into a situation where I was using someone as a rebound.

Best of luck to you and stay strong. Remember everyone's level of recovery is different, and we all progress at different paces. Keep us updated on your situation.

[SomeoneNice]

There are a lot of similarities in our situations. The relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f about 17 months ago. I was told that I was the "love of her life and soulmate". She desperately wanted engagement and marriage. When I told her that I felt we needed to wait and sort out personal issues first, I was immediately discarded. She immediately resumed a relationship with the guy that she discarded to start seeing me. Her life situation and emotional issues have not changed since our split so I've been told. Despite telling me that she had nothing left to say to me at our split, she is the one the tried resuming contact again via text and social media messages 4-5 months later after I went NC. I see her in passing every so often as her parents live next door to me.

Our breakup occurred in mid April 2020, and the level of intense emotional pain for me did not ease up until roughly three months later in July 2020. I sought professional counseling in May 2020 and attended weekly sessions, which helped immensely along with this forum.  I felt very mild to moderate emotional pain over next 5-6 months and began to notice a big difference for the better in the latter part of January/early February 2021.

Now, I can honestly say that I still think of her fairly often and the good times we had, however, I could care less about what she's doing in her life now and who she's with. Those thoughts used to tear me up inside. Since I've stepped out of the relationship, I've discovered that the negative far outweighed the positive, and now I'm grateful that it ended when it did.   I've dated two people since she and I broke up. The first one was just casual dating, and it did not work out. I've been seeing the girl that I'm with now for two months and so far so good. None of the unhealthy behaviors that were present virtually immediately in my previous relationship have popped up in this new relationship. This girl is self-sufficient, owns her own home, and has been employed by the same employer for 11+ years. Getting out again and having fun with someone else has definitely helped me move on and see that there's better things out there for me. I believe that waiting a year to put myself back together before I started dating again was the right thing to do for me. I honestly wouldn't have been much good for anyone during that time period, and I didn't want to get into a situation where I was using someone as a rebound.

Best of luck to you and stay strong. Remember everyone's level of recovery is different, and we all progress at different paces. Keep us updated on your situation.

Hey man,
I wanna start by saying that I’m really happy for you and for your current relationship and I’m sorry to hear about your former relationship with your borderline ex. You have no idea how badly I needed to hear a success story of someone who got over a BPD ex, recovered and healed, and then got into a new healthy relationship in which he or she is happy in it.

Like you, my BPD ex was insisting on engagement after only four months of dating. We are both in our 20’s so I asked her to delay this a year until things get better financially and I explained that to her and she understood but she would bring the topic up again every two months and rage hard at me. She had the decency to tell me that her wanting to be engaged to me is related to her fear of abandonment and because she was always scared that I would find someone better than her and leave her.

I am currently taking online university classes with her and I feel better because whenever a girl in calls my name in class, my ex would get extremely angry and would sometimes even leave the class and then come back.

I have her blocked everywhere and so does she except on Microsoft Teams as it doesn’t have a block feature and we both use that software to attend online classes. Is it likely that she will contact me? She has plenty of guys around her for supply and possibly a replacement for me. I don’t want her back, I just want to feel that sweet feeling of ignoring her.

I endured a lot of her rages, threats, disrespect, etc, and on top of that I provided her with everything she’s ever wanted and did everything she wanted while also giving her my undivided attention by cutting off every single girl I’ve ever known (silly me) as she had also cut off every guy she had ever known without me asking so I felt quite special at the time which is why I had made it a point to do everything I can to make her happy even if it means my own misery. Oh, and I also took care of her when she was sick for months and on medications and I was also the only guy she dated that was very close with her mother so I think that differentiates me from the rest of the guys she’s with as I know none of them are willing to do what I did.

Not sure if she still remembers all the things I did for her or if her mind just deleted all those memories when I was split black. Anyhow, I truly wish she regrets her decision to break up, knows my worth, and comes back begging so that I can reject her this time.