Broke NC after 6 months. Trying to get her back...

[LostInMemories]

Hey people,

So, I just got on my old laptop, where i found one of our last conversations on skype before she dumped me. It really shows her amazing ability to pull everything i say out of contest, and make me look bad in the end. This proably beause of her Borderlind. But hey, that was just her. I could deal with that, no problem. The only thing I can't deal with ATM is being without her... .I love this girl way too much. After reading this last conversation, I decided to break NC, and apologise for things, even though I know I didn't do. This might be stupid, but I couldn't handle the NC anymore...

This is what I sent her (Remember, we was in a Long Distance relationship) :

"Hey Holly. How you doing?

I just wanted to say hi, and see if maybe you would be ready to try and be friends or something... ? Not like skyping and all

right away cuz that will be wayy too awkward obvly haha, but just typing? Regular catch ups?

And yeh I wanna say sorry, like for what I did when we broke up. I shouldn't have contacted your dad and all, It's been bothering me for a wile now and I just wanted to say sorry. I was just reading one of our last onversaions on skype a few days ago, and saw

how much I made you feel trapped, and I'm sorry about that. I'm not trying to get you back or something but I wanna apologise

for my part. I confused independancy with being busy, and totally ___ed up on that part. Makes me look

extremely ___ing stupid when I look back on it. All I can say it was never my intention to hurt or trap you, and everything

I did was because I cared... I hope you accept my apology, and that you're doing okay Would be really cool to talk to you again sometime,

Some big things are about to happen in my life, which I'm pretty excited about and would be cool to tell you all about.

and I'd like to just have you as a friend in my life, or at least give a try to

get rid of this awkwardness. Take care "

I know this isn't totally fair on my part saying I just wanna be friends, but hey that would be a start. And after all the lies she pulled on me, I don't think I should feel bad about it.

As said in what I sent her I contacted her dad a few days after we broke up, to see if he knew what was going on. He told me he had no clue and had never seen her daughter like this before, and that she had told him that I broke up with her. (which is SO NOT true). She got very very mad at me when she found out (obviously) beause her parents now knew the actual truth, and all her numerous lies showed up.

I just waned to share this with you people, because this website gave me alot of support, and I might need some when she replies... .Pray for me.

I will update when I get a reply

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[Turkish]

It feels kind of JADEy to me. Since she has BPD traits, I see several things here which might trigger a pwBPD.  What do you think?

I'm not saying this to pound on you (you already sent it after all), but it may help in further conversation if she responds. 

[AsGoodAsItGets]

I hope the best for you.  You really may have to be pure of heart and not take anything personally to keep a relationship healthy with a BPD,  the letter is what it is.  Honestly anything you write will trigger her.  Kinda wonder if the parents knowing the truth maybe good.  Bpd are very good at believeING their own lies,  it great when others know the truth and the BPD has to deal with fact, but it bad because it cause defence mechanism, like self harm, drug use, sleeping around to deal with or take their mind of off the false reality they emotionally created.  Good luck.

[LostInMemories]

Okay, so she read it, and blocked me without even replying... I kinda expected this, or getting called the worst names again. Though it still shocks me and hurts as ___. She could at least have the dignity to reply... I thought i have been very nice and very careful with the things i said in the message, but I don't think it really matters what I say. I exposed the truth to her parents, and she hates me for it/. And even if I didn't. I don't think it would make a diffrence. She gone from adoring me to hating my guts in a single hour, about a year ago, without any reason... .I have tried literally everything, but no matter what I say, i get the exact same reactions...

It feels kind of JADEy to me.

What does this mean? Sorry language barrier :D

I'm pretty sure she has BPD, like 99% sure, everything fell to place like a puzzle after she broke up and i got searching for reasons of her behaviour. If you are interested in the full story:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289155.0

AsGoodAsItGets, That's how i feel aswell, like anything I say will trigger th same reaction. I don't know if I did the right thing telling her parents the actual truth, one one hand I feel like I do, because now they see her daughter's behaviour and maybe can search help for her. On the other hand though, like you say, I don't know what it did to her... I was even doubting to tell her parents about the possible BPD I found out, but didnt do that because I didn't wanna offend them.

So yeh, where do I go from now? I feel extremely lost. I at least expected some kind of reply, even if it was negative... I highly feel like her new BF (her ex when she was with me) is abusing her again, because the last reply I ever got from her sounded, like it wasn't written freely. I know this guy abused her before (physically and mentally), so i'm really scared he might be again... On the other hand, if she really wanted to talk to meand this guy wouldn't let her she would have found out a way to do i without him finding out... So I really think he's abusing hr mentaly, and wrapping her around his finger like he used to. This guy is nasy and is abusing the situation. Alot of ppl told me about his true colours and it scares me. Really don't know what to do from here...

[LostInMemories]

Im really blaming myself. I made her feel 'trapped' apperantly. The thing is, one moment she wanted io be EXTREMELY independant, and the next moment she was aa inpendent as a 7 year old with its parents. Like, how am I supposed to know what moment shes in? Sometimes she couldnt't do 5 minutes without me because she wasn't feeling strong, and the next moment we was 'way too close' and she needed more free time, which i always gave her (because I would finally have some freetime then aswell) so I don't get how I made her feel trapped. Id anything she must have ME felt trapped. Because I knew if I left her on the wrong moment bad things would happen. But iI didnt mind, and i coped with it because I love het and cared about her. I don't know if I'm the one to blame though, i did everytjing for her, and adaptes my behaviour towards her 'mood', if she needed to be independant, I let her, id she needed me 24/7, I was there 24/7. What did i do wrong for her to leave me like this... ?

[Turkish]

JADE is Justify, Accuse, Defend, Explain. Let's say that the message read to me like JDE.

By blocking you, she answered, and I'm sorry, T156. I was thinking more along the lines if, "hey, how are you doing?" Present a small target. You can't know, however, and even a brief message like this may have resulted in blocking. This is what can drive us nuts: the unknown.

My T gave me a good advice, "I sense that a lot of your anger [hurt] comes from expecting her to be someone she is not," combined with later, "can you accept that she is an independent entity, free to make her own choices, no matter how unwise they are?"

I think he was saying, "she is who she is" (Radical Acceptance) and in a roundabout way, "you are also free to make your choices, which you alone control."

What do you think?

I also struggled with the control issues, as perceived by her. I got mixe signals, and usually seemed to make wrong choices. It's so confusing... .

[LostInMemories]

Indeed the unknownn is friving me crazy. I just wanna know the reason... I did everything I could to be the best possible man for her, totally dropped my friends, all for her. I just wanna know why... How can any person just lose all their feelings for someone in a matter of hours... That's whats haunting me. Every night when I'm about to go to sleep I ask myself: why. DId I do something wrong? Could I have done anything to prevent this from happening? Or was is a lost cause from day one? It's driving me crazy

[Fr4nz]

Indeed the unknownn is friving me crazy. I just wanna know the reason... I did everything I could to be the best possible man for her, totally dropped my friends, all for her. I just wanna know why... How can any person just lose all their feelings for someone in a matter of hours... That's whats haunting me. Every night when I'm about to go to sleep I ask myself: why. DId I do something wrong? Could I have done anything to prevent this from happening? Or was is a lost cause from day one? It's driving me crazy

Nah man... .even if we all have defects - because we are humans - this quick detachment is definitely a pattern belonging to the disorder; indeed, this happened to me, as well as to a countless amount of members here in the forums. You can be superman, but a BPD woman will leave you anyway.

Why BPDs behave like this? Well, read this beautiful past post from user "2010". It also answers to the question "Why she blocked me?".

Borderlines are not anti-social, they have a tremendous desire to bond with people.  Borderlines fear being alone.  They suffer annihilation fantasies and quickly try to find relief in the rewarding attachment to others.  Their intense fear of being alone causes impulsive attachments- but these are very deeply felt as significant- at least until the attachment becomes persecutorial, which it always does.  This is the crux of the disorder.  The sociopath persecutes others and relishes in his anti-social nature.  The Borderline actually grieves a badly internalized parental persecution.

The (Aspd) sociopath uses every opportunity to screw up and then elicit pity from others- as game play.  He uses pity to win- and he uses others as disposable commodities after they come to his rescue. He knows he is doing wrong and understands that he may get into trouble as it is a part of the game- which has him already factoring in a story for *why he deserves the pity* for when he gets caught.   This is a conscious manipulation that places the Aspd in a one-upmanship.  This also implies he has a sense of himself as smarter than others.  He also feels no remorse because he feels this is his due.

Borderlines don't think they are better than you- they *are* you. They choose other people to define their sense of self.  They are chameleons for attachment survival- not as con jobs.

Whatever you choose to send out to the World to define you- is picked up on and then mirrored back to you by the Borderline - to get your approval- and to bond with you. A sociopath could care less who you are and only whether or not you can be used.  A Borderline actually looks up to you.

Borderlines will retreat into detached protector mode when they are caught in omissions of truth. The detached protector mode does not have a clear understanding of the reasons why the behaviors are unsuitable which generally creates avoidance and passive aggression as defensive styles. The Sociopath knows why the behaviors are unsuitable and takes pride in the knowing.

Consequently, your understanding of your relationship should conclude whether or not this person grew up with a thought process that appears to make them masters of manipulation, keenly trained at evoking a response from others by mirroring the projection.

Since Borderlines are part-time selves- they needed your good to fuse to. And that means that a Borderline will never see you as a whole person, a friend or an ally that can be trusted because they cannot form their own whole self to do so. Apart from you- they can only flee from their all or none thinking and their bad split of you and re-create the bond with someone else who now represents good.  

Borderline is a repetitious, compulsive, seeking part time self with an inability to suffer through the necessary abandonment depression from their parent who is now badly internalized as a punitive taskmaster who shames them for their fragmented failure to be a "self" without clinging to others and subsequently, hating them.  Idea

In the conclusion of a Borderline relationship- you will be presented (in hindsight) with what was mirrored- and then realize that this was important enough (you projected this *firmly*) to be recognized by the Borderline (a person who survived their childhood by finding their parent's Achilles heel and with that knowledge manipulated (the parent) to give the Borderline what was needed for survival.)  Can this look like anti-social behavior? Only if the attachment bond doesn't exist- Sociopaths don't really get very far with healthy people.

Borderline is different from Aspd as it is a compulsion to acknowledge the deprived self and prove (once and for all) the possibility of a successful real self who is whole and able to be ALONE without others to attach to.  Unfortunately, their annihilation fantasies are too great and they cannot self soothe the abandonment depression- so the cycle starts all over again.

Sociopaths do not worry about being alone, in fact they relish it.

[aristan2000]

Indeed the unknownn is friving me crazy. I just wanna know the reason... I did everything I could to be the best possible man for her, totally dropped my friends, all for her. I just wanna know why... How can any person just lose all their feelings for someone in a matter of hours... That's whats haunting me. Every night when I'm about to go to sleep I ask myself: why. DId I do something wrong? Could I have done anything to prevent this from happening? Or was is a lost cause from day one? It's driving me crazy

If you are expecting a cogent, logical explanation from her regarding the way she treated you, that will never happen. If she explains at all it's likely to be vague and/or dishonest.

I'm going through nearly the same thing you are and I'm realizing that there is only a limited amount that I can do. I would not have broken NC. If she wanted to hear from you, she would have contacted you. In my opinion, your message came across as almost begging her to have contact with you and as such very needy. I'm not trying to be mean. I just think that she be pointed out.

[downintx]

I exposed the truth to her parents, and she hates me for it

you hit the nail on the head - exposing her, is her ultimate betrayal - exposure eats at her core of shame.