Ex got in touch after 8 months NC, confused feelings

[Moves]

(original post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328842.msg13001079)

Summary of old post: Me and my ex-girlfriend dated for 6 months, she broke things off. She disclosed to me during the relationship having a mild case of BPD, I believe it is indeed mild and the relationship wasn't abusive or anything but I was blindsided by the breakup. I wrote the above post 2 months post-breakup as I had the idea of getting back in touch as friends one day. I didn't actually make contact following making the old post - eventually figured that I'm better off focusing on myself for the time being and only try when either I'm truly ready or she contacts me first.

Since I last posted, I continued to have the same thoughts about getting in touch for some time (gradually going to the back of my mind than being obsessive) whilst never feeling like I've changed enough myself to make the move myself as I continued to feel depressed and felt a lack of confidence. Then recently I got a new job (a very positive change for myself as it's quite a step up from my previous role). Then not long later my ex contacts me after 8 months of no contact with a simple 'how are you doing' text. My heart jumped as I never expected her to initiate contact. I respond mentioning my new job (which she didn't know about prior to contact) and she mentions she's proud of me for it (I've been looking for a new job for close to a full year without success). We also updated each other a fair bit on each others' lives. There were some hints that she missed how things were in our relationship and wanted to get back. I was playing it cool when replying and showed some interest but not too much.

I eventually asked about meeting up to which she responded in the affirmative and seemed to be excited about it. That's despite me being wary of her motives for contacting me (eg. relationship problems with someone else?) and that I just want to be friends while she may want more. But part of the reason I did was that I'm moving to a new city for the new job so it'd be a one off (or for another few months at the least). The fact I'm moving meant there's only a limited window in which we can meet. Over the last few days however she became more distant once again and now I'm thinking I stand a good chance of missing this opportunity. That'd be a shame considering how well timed her contact was (earlier and I'd still be the less confident version of myself, later and I'd have moved already).

I've been having mixed and varied feelings recently, one moment being anxious I haven't gotten a reply yet to another moment where I just don't care as much. It's kind of distracting me from other things (like packing for my move) / making me sad at times and affecting my motivation. There is some element of being triggered by reminders of the breakup still but it's not as bad as it was when it actually happened.

I was just wondering what might be the best way to move forward / stay in touch somehow in the future. As I say I have mixed feelings and right now as I type I feel not too bad about not meeting up but I'd still really like to do it once and it's probably a matter of time before I feel sad about it again.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi there, Moves! Congrats on the new job! That's exciting.

Relationships with pwBPD can be very confusing -- and break-ups are no different. Many members here talk about the emotional whiplash that happens.

Sounds like you have a lot going on right now with your move, new job and now your ex getting in touch.

Just curious, but why is it important to you to stay in touch with her in the future? If you were to stay in touch, what would you want the relationship to look like?

[Moves]

Hi Ozzie, thanks for your response.

I've long had a desire to get back in touch just as friends ever since we broke up. I say that and not wanting to get back in a relationship with her as I don't believe a relationship will work out a second time (I was pretty emotionally hurt at the end of the first time) and also I believe my feelings have cooled down sufficiently to have a friendship if she's happy with it and not be left wanting more than that. I've never been so close to anyone in my life before (outside of family) and I would consider her my best friend as well as a girlfriend during our relationship.

It also reminds me of several years back of another girl I had a crush on and got hurt when I found she was seeing someone else (almost as badly as my now ex) but managed to maintain a close friendship where I found I was much happier being in touch than out (contrary to the popular concept that being friends makes it harder to get over the person). Being honest with myself, as much as it's a fact of life I dislike losing people in general - I'm a fairly shy person and don't find forming relationships in general easy, yet I have a strong desire to have them. I also care about my ex a lot and as a (potential) friend I'm genuinely interested in how she's getting on. I'd imagine our future relationship I'm looking for would be occasional contact (not every day) and meeting up every few months (I'd have moved after all).

I wrote this post as I'm kind of frustrated things don't seem to be working. I guess in retrospect it's somewhat predictable given how she ended things in our relationship (a blindside). My hopes were pushed up for a while given that she initiated the contact, the amount of interest she showed in the process, and the fact I've made some change in myself. Anyway, I'm trying to keep a mindset that I'm going to make the move and meet some new people in my new city, and if she does get in touch either before or after I've moved it's a bonus. My anxiety levels are still high (but not as bad as when the relationship was breaking down), hopefully that'll cool down no matter what happens.

[Ozzie101]

Well, I'm a shy person, too, so I can certainly understand your desire to keep up a friendship!

You might be able to maintain a friendship with your ex, as you were with the other girl. However, be aware that might not be possible. Relationships (of any type) are different with pwBPD. Much of that will depend on how high-functioning she is and whether or not she's willing and able to maintain the type of relationship you want -- non-romantic, long-distance, etc.

Have you shared this with her? Have you told her about your move and that you'd just like to be friends? Some people (BPD or no) would be fine with that. Some would not.

And you should look forward to your move. You will have a great opportunity to meet new people and I hope you'll take advantage of that! As a fellow shy person, I know that's not easy, but it can be exciting and liberating, too.

[Moves]

My ex knows I'm moving. I haven't yet made it explicit that I'd like to just be friends, I was saving it for when we meet up face to face to mention it but now the face to face isn't going to happen anymore (at least this time while I'm here now, moving tomorrow).

So up to now she at first was very warm about talking to me, agreed to meet up with me, then became distant, cancelling on me and now I haven't heard back for 3 days since my last text. Looks like she's no longer interested in keeping in touch. Perhaps I'm being devalued / painted black again for some reason I don't understand? Perhaps she initiated contact out of boredom, having relationship problems with someone else etc and then led me on as a result?

I feel like perhaps I shouldn't bother anymore as she isn't being respectful towards me or my time. But I do wonder if it's me and if I should have done anything differently - I'm a believer that people designated as having BPD aren't massively different from those without the label.

I spoke to another friend about this who felt that I failed to set boundaries in response to the way my ex flaked on me. She claimed being too tired and I responded saying no worries, acknowledged her being tired (trying to empathise with her) and we can do another day but that it's fine if you don't want to meet (giving her a way out). My friend disagreed with my approach saying I'm being too nice, my response condones her behaviour and I'm only making our relationship worse. My friend says I should have responded with a simple 'okay' (with little else) or even given some (light) indication that I didn't appreciate my ex's actions.

I was convinced I was saying the right thing at the time as I wanted to show that I was listening to what my ex was saying and wanted to keep things positive and not negative. It's in contrast to the time where she broke up with me and I kept asking a few times to meet up in the face of more direct 'no's, sounding more needy in the process. I know I sound hard on myself but I do feel bad that I may have responded incorrectly and want to learn from this. Feels like my ex may have been putting me through a test or something.

Going forward from here, I'm thinking whether to still bring up the topic of being friends over text (perhaps after giving it a break/more NC for a while) now that meeting in person is no longer possible? There's quite a few variables to consider (what made her withdraw this time, can she be OK being 'just' friends, etc) which I might save for another post as I've already written quite a bit about my response and want to focus on that for the time being.

[Ozzie101]

From the sounds of things, how you responded is how I would have responded (whether the other person had BPD or not). You wanted to be positive and keep the door open, not be confrontational. Despite your friend's comment, at the moment, you don't have a relationship to make worse. I'm not sure how your friend's approach would have been helpful.

Here's the thing (as I see it): You can second-guess yourself until the end of time. You responded to her in a way you felt was best. It was positive and supportive. At that point, it's out of your hands. How she responded or didn't was entirely up to her and in no way in your control. Fact is, you don't know why she didn't respond and you may never know. It can be easy to get stuck in a rumination cycle, circling over and over, but it's unlikely to be productive or to lead you to an answer.

She didn't respond. That could mean any number of things. Yes, she could have been testing you -- but that's not the sign of a healthy relationship. At all. Testing doesn't lead anywhere good and it's better to disengage when it happens and refuse to take that test (something I figured out with my husband).

You don't know what's going on in her mind or in her life. You've got a big move and a new job. Why not focus on that? Put your energies into starting your new chapter in life. Make new friends. Enjoy this opportunity. Leave whether or not to re-start the conversation in her court. I know that's not easy and the (possible) rejection is painful. But the rewards can be great. What do you think?