Hi,

Thank you so much for that thoughtful response. The reframing is something extremely useful and a lot for me to think over.

I completely agree that his silence is at heart him being at capacity and a coping strategy. I very much think that he actually feels he is protecting me from his rage by going silent.
The length of time it tends to go on for makes this harder, in the earlier days of our marriage (its been 15 years), he would go silent for a few days, but lately its been months at a time. And sometimes there are just basic things that need to be discussed, I guess I need to find a way to communicate these while demonstrating I won't go any further at the time being.
I would like to be allowed back into my own bed, but I think my presence would aggravate him more at present.

Managing his mother is another story, she lives with us, and puts a lot of pressure on me to call him, interact with him etc. She is desperate for me to end this, and she calls me a doormat and him a 'proud type', she does not understand the nature of his needs. It can be hard to deflect that pressure, but when he thinks I am doing things under her direction it makes him extremely upset. There is obviously a deep wound there in relation to her.

There is a double irony here, I am a speech therapist by profession and often deal with selective mutism, and was also selective mute myself as a child as a trauma response. So, what you are saying should not really come as a surprise to me, yet often we need the outside perspective to join the dots. But yes, I remember well that the anxiety would overwhelm me so much that the words would literally disappear from my head, it was never that I was just being stubborn or difficult. When I work with children now I work to make them relaxed and secure and put no pressure on for them to speak unless they are ready, while also always providing the opportunity to talk.

I'm trying to think through now how to give him that space, and stop trying to 'fix' him, but while leaving the door open to communication. I had sent him a message saying I was ready to talk when he is.
I also sent another message a few days back saying that I love and support him and that hasn't changed, I can see he is frustrated and overwhelmed. He did then make brief eye contact with me the next day and ask me where our daughter was, which was positive. I think for now I will continue to let him be. I'm going away for a month in July, back to my family (pre-arranged nothing to do with the current situation, we live abroad from them). This will give him a fuller space, though I would like to communicate before then, I will see.

Thank you for giving me this space, it can feel like so much thought and energy goes into considering his emotional needs, that there is none left for mine. I don't really know where to begin on looking after myself. I am just counting the days to my holiday right now.

It happened again, my 6th sense was triggered, yet again, this time at a convenience store, I was getting a large diet soda and some Korean BBQ, and the clerk behind the counter as I was leaving the store said to me "I wish I had a husband like you..." as I smiled and waved good-bye clearly showing my wedding band...

The meeting was all of 90 seconds, give or take, the girl behind the counter was slender and attractive, around 6 foot, 5 inches tall (I'm 6 foot 2 inches), about 10-15 years my junior so she did catch my eye and I smiled at her as I approached the counter.  She struck up a conversation as I was checking out, I don't remember the exact exchange of small talk / pleasantries, but it did involve her giving me a good discount at the register of her initiative, I mentioned that I do like to save money (who doesn't).  After I had gotten my receipt, I thanked her, and told her to have a pleasant day.  She then told me "I wish I had a husband like you", I held up my left hand and flashed my wedding band waving good-bye as I was leaving the store.

While there was nothing that indicated BPD; however, I do feel that something with that interchange was clearly "off" - fortunately I was only passing through the area a couple hundred miles from home, so I doubt I will ever see this person again - it was certainly memorable with the 'weird' vibes factor.

I would have thought nothing of the exchange of pleasantries if she said "thank you" or something similar.  However, when I was told she wanted a husband like me - that triggered me and I couldn't get out of the store fast enough.

Thoughts?

Looking on some feedback on boundary issues with my 39 y o undiagnosed BPD daughter.
Short history – my daughter grew up happy and healthy, successful in school, lots of friends, but a bit of a handful in her early teens, which I thought was normal at the time. I was a single mom of 2, but she had regular interaction with her father, which she seemed to enjoy. She went on to university, got a Master’s degree with my support and entered the work force. Largely successful, getting increasingly good jobs. But she moved around a lot, and never lasted long in romantic relationships. I remember overhearing phone conversations with her colleagues, where she was angry and berating them for their work, which I thought was pretty unusual at the time – I was surprised they put up with it. Her relationship with me was (took me awhile to realize) a bit tenuous – I think now I walked on eggshells a lot to avoid confrontations. She had moved 3000 miles away from her home town, so we were in touch digitally, and sometimes travelled together and visited. She estranged from her father and brother during this period. 
Fast forward to 2020 – she lost her job early in the year due to the pandemic, just after buying a house on her own with a big mortgage. She tried valiantly to get an income stream going, but I’m sure it was super stressful time for her. Later in the year, she phoned and told me that as a result of therapy and use of psychedelic drugs, she now remembered all kinds of physical and sexual abuse growing up – crazy and awful things -she said I’d whipped her every day, tried to burn her down in a garden shed, hired rapists, etc. That followed a 2 year period of total estrangement – she would not respond to any of my attempts to reach out to her. At the time, I followed advice I had received to let her be, and not turn up on her doorstep unannounced.
She got in touch a year ago and sounded terrible. I thought she might be on drugs, but I think now was maybe having a psychotic episode. I was so worried about her I called the mental health crisis team in her community who told me they thought she had stress-induced psychosis. They said anything I could do to reduce stress might help. I offered her some financial assistance as she had no income and seemed unable to get work due to her difficult behaviour.  This was probably a mistake in retrospect, but I thought I was doing the best thing at the time. I gave her a monthly amount on a credit card and also paid all sorts of overdue bills – mortgage payments, utilities, vet bills, and even replaced her car when a baillif towed it away for non payment – all in an attempt to reduce stress.
During all of this, she has been incredibly abusive to me – regular emails, texts and phone calls that include swearing, name calling and obscenities. I was (maybe misguided) trying to show I was there for her no matter what and would not abandon her.
I’ve been rethinking my approach this year, as it seems to have been completely unsuccessful in helping her, plus I just can’t afford this, being retired and on a pension! Over the last year, I  dipped into my savings and given her more than I make in a year (call me crazy!). Her father is not in the picture, and she has alienated all others who might offer help.
Earlier this year, I told her I was going to take a different approach and had some boundaries I was going to put into effect.  I said that if she wanted further financial support from me, there were going to be conditions – polite and respectful communications, that she develop a financial plan and budget (I have offered to pay a financial advisor to assist her with this), attend regular therapy sessions (also offered to assist) and also apply for whatever financial assistance she might qualify for (I provided links she could use for this). She absolutely refuses to believe there is anything wrong with her. She blocks friends and relatives who try to suggest she get help and regularly accuses me of being the one who needs it. She refuses to apply for any kind of government assistance, as it is beneath her.
She is now going completely ballistic on the basis of my boundaries. This weekend, she sent a string of 20 rage emails using every obscene name and insult for me that she can think of. After warning this would result in blocking, I have now blocked her for 30 days. I have not responded to her rage emails.
I am still somewhat conflicted on this, which probably only people in this community might understand.  I feel like her thinking is so clearly disordered, that I wonder if I should be handling this differently? While she is brilliant and has been very capable in the past, she now seems truly mentally ill, and I worry she won’t be able to figure this out. She has never been suicidal, but it is always a worry at the back of my mind. She is very isolated (lives alone),but keeps in touch with some friends and family (although she has alienated so many). I’m not totally privy to her finances – I don’t think she’ll run out of food, and I think she may have to run up a credit card without my assistance – in other words I don’t think she’ll be in any danger without it.
Looking for information/experience/reassurance about this. I am hoping that if I stick to my guns about boundaries, that this will be a positive influence on her – that she will maybe eventually realize she needs help and look for it. I might be delusional myself about that!  Thank you if you have read this far - any suggestions or advice appreciated!

I did establish my boundaries and I have stated that I wanted to heal and go on with my life. That he made his choices. I can not be blamed for them anymore. And a lot of times he tried to take my own words and say them back to me. Trying to tell me that I assume his choices when they aren’t  what he feels. And then he calls himself dumb and not right in the head as reasoning why he is doing what he’s doing.
I just stood my ground and I could see the rejection statements. The blaming, and I don’t know if it will work. But I refused to feel that way anymore again. I haven’t been on these boards because I was really working on moving on. I felt more confident in my steps to healing. I couldn’t prepare for a surprise visit. But I am more proud of myself.

Thanks for your reply, jaded! I think that I would feel the same way if a friend was in my position. As I mentioned, I am working with a therapist now, and hopefully over time this will help with my perspective which I am aware often doesn`t put me in a secure position.

I am grateful for this community. Things with my ex are up and down. That is the baseline. For example, he started the day by saying we can`t be friends, later explaining it`s because he doesn`t want to become dependent on me, and finally called to apologize and thank me for being there. I recognize that I didn`t react as I once would, and I`m happy with that. I recognize that the anxiety that I felt in the past when he`d make this sort of announcement isn`t out of love or fear of missing him entirely; I get anxious because of the unknown of when if how he will contact me again. I think that`s something I want to work on; being okay if he did leave for good. Things have definitely shifted on my end, towards what exactly I`m not sure. I remember when I started posting on this forum, I hoped that after a few months everything would `smooth over`, and an indication of doing better would be that I didn`t post as much. What I`m finding instead is that I post here regardless. The relationship will not reach a perfectly pleasant state where I don`t to some extent benefit from a support group. The ups and downs come with the territory of these interactions.

Hi! I'm new here and dealing with a friend/roommate with possible bpd

I've known this girl for about 5 years and had a very good friendship with her mostly. She's always leaned on me a little more than I on her, but I have been fine with that. A few years ago I noticed that she was starting to copy everything I do and put me on a kind of pedestal. But friends influence each other, right? And who doesn't want to be idolized?

Over the past year, things have taken a bit of a turn. We will be totally fine and enjoying time together but the next day I'll receive multiple loooong text messages (the record is 24 in a row!) about how hurt she is and how she's done pretending she's ok when she's not. Another common thread is her positing that I have become someone she doesn't even know anymore. These have left me completely baffled as I thought things were all good and groovy.

Feeling very hurt by this, I initially responded to such messages by defending myself and my actions. I hoped that explaining my perspective would help diffuse the situation. However, I have been getting these text messages (she never confronts me in person, only over text even though I asked that if she is feeling hurt by me, that she bring it up in person given that we are roommates), with increasing frequency. She never specifically can pinpoint what I've done to hurt her, but seems to think I have crossed some boundary she set (maybe I did unintentionally, but truthfully, I cannot think of what). For a bit I just ignored her recent messages, but this just seemed to make things worse.

After reading Walking on Eggshells, I believe she may have BPD or at least some BPD traits. Knowing this, has helped me understand her behavior, but doesn't help that my feelings have been repeatedly hurt over the past year.

I am planning on moving out before our lease ends (I'll still pay rent dw), but would like to remain friends or at least friendly, but I have no idea how to break the news that I am leaving to her without her blowing up at me again.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells and know I have to get myself out of this situation out of care for myself, but I don't just want to throw our good times together down the drain.

Can someone go from being a pwBPD's favorite person to being just casual friends?
How can I tell my friend that I'm moving out without making it seem like I want to end our friendship and without making it seem like it's her fault (even though it is)?

I am reminded of a question posed in an older thread.

Zachira,

Bless you. And thank you.

Not without being screamed at that we don't love her and we're selfish and don't care about her. Then she goes on and on about how much other children do for their aging parents.  That's her evidence that we don't love her. 

As for her mail, it's just outside her front door but involves a step which she can't navigate with her walker.  She is fragile and afraid of falling (has had numerous falls already with broken bones - she has osteoporosis so severe her bones are like powder) so she gets anyone who comes to her house to check her mail for her.

My H and I had a meeting with a home care nursing supervisor who apologized to us  multiple times for the underling who said "a meeting with me was not worth her time and resources".  The meeting went well from the perspective that we were well received, and listened to and heard by two "higher ups".  Maybe it was lip service.  I don't know.  We had our "presentation" ready with concerns, facts, points and examples.  They showed interest and some muted shock. They thanked us at the end for taking the time to meet with them, and said they would be talking to the employee who had said "I wasn't worth her time and resources".  At the end of the meeting, we gave them the print copy of our presentation.  Again they thanked us.  A tentative plan was put in place moving forward.  It hinges on them doing a Rai assessment in her home - sometime. 

We will see. I have low expectations as anything else just sets me up for more disappointment than I already feel.

Mom's family lives late in their 90's.  All of them.  They are malingerers - 96, 97, 98 etc.

When I reflect on what I have done for my mom over a lifetime, I realize how stupid and naive I was to think that I could ever "be enough" for her.  The harder it got, the harder I tried. I devoted so much of myself to her.  Now I'm just plained burned out, and recognize that by taking care of her and her needs, I neglected myself.  I'm frustrated, sad, and still at a loss because I feel so trapped by my own values. 

I have given up on solutions Zachira.  There are no solutions that are acceptable to her.  I have been told by different people including people in home care that probably nothing will change until something catastrophic happens to her, which is what will ultimately "force" her into a home, or, to accept "home care".

Coming out of retirement to escape her seemed like the answer at the time.  But now working has imprisoned me because I don't have the freedom to live my retired life and do things I want.

Doing so would just bring on the same problems that drove me back to work in the first place.

Thanks for checking in Zachira.   I appreciate you reaching out. 

P.S. I didn't answer "What do you wish you could do, in an ideal world?"

I guess in an ideal fantasy world, I would find her a good therapist practicing Schema Therapy, and she would go. And her BPD would gradually improve. As she gained clarity/sanity, she would dump the guy she's with. And she would take care of her physical health, including by starting pulmonary rehab. And I would find a happy and sane relationship with someone else. But my ex and I would remain friends, who cared for each other.

The odds of all that happening in the real world are approximately zero.

Hi Kells,

I have stuff around feeling powerless that goes back to childhood as well. My mom had BPD, and there was a lot of insanity/abuse/powerlessness in my childhood. It's clear to me that's part of why I got together with my ex, though I didn't consciously recognize that she had BPD at the beginning.

I don't have a sense of feeling "trapped" at this point. Though I did before I walked away from the remains of the relationship 7 months ago.

There are elements of the situation that still require some degree of ongoing communication with her - the major one being our son (my stepson). I've basically been his primary support within the family since she started the affair - it's pretty clear that she jumped into the affair in part to numb her distress at his situation, and that left me as essentially his caregiver (everyone else in the extended family basically condemned him and broke contact). Also, I agreed to her request to go for a walk in a natural area with her every 2-3 months. It's clear that she wants much more contact, but I've maintained my "minimal contact" boundaries pretty readily, refusing all requests she's made to spend more time with me.

Anyway, at this point, for me, there isn't a sense of trappedness or resentment, of being stuck in the situation and being "forced" to watch it go down.

But there is extreme sadness as I watch it. Both in regards to her worsened mental health and, especially now, her physical health - the COPD.

A funny thing... over the 25 years we were together, how I felt about her went through different long phases. There was a long period, after the honeymoon ended and her problematic behaviors became clear, where I felt quite ambivalent about staying in the relationship. Then, in about the last 5-7 years of the relationship, that changed - I came to a place of accepting that this is the way she was, and of loving her deeply, despite that (with a sense of choosing to be in the relationship, despite all the difficulties it brought). Who knows what would have happened if it wasn't for the particular confluence of circumstances that ended it - but it felt like things were gradually improving before that happened.