Well I am cut off again...

[sad but wiser]

Ah Lockjaw, a sad world this is!  That is what your GF understands, I think.
It sounds like a very dysfuncional growing up led to a very dysfunctional adulthood.  It happens all the time.  Possibly your dad has BPD as well?  It would certainly set you up to fall into a similar relationship as an adult. 
   You might try journaling everything you remember.  It can help you grab the memories and later see patterns.  You asked God to take that strong desire to drink away, and you testify that He did.  Obviously, you are of great value to Him.  You are not too broken, it is not too late. 

[Lockjaw]

I remember things every once in a while. Usually I have to be talking about it, sometimes telling someone, like here does. This time made me remember I used to hide from him when he got angry.

I don't know what his deal is. He was a work a holic. He didn't drink much, my mom drinks every day. Not a lot, but, every day. We were raised catholic, so I have seen priests come to our house and get loud drinking wine, so... .you know they were buzzing at least. I doubt a police officer would have stopped a priest back then.

My dad pushed me to work. I had a paper route, that was his idea. I cut grass, his idea, and I babysat. When I turned 16 I had to get a job.

He blamed all my stuff on someone else too. My DUI's were my friends fault. He called one of the dads, or at least said he was. I loved cars. And guns. He took me hunting long enough to get into it, and then quit. As long as I could drive, he paid the membership. I quit going to the one club, and just hunted some private property with a friend instead.

The more I think about things, the more I think what he did is why I have always wanted guns, and always kept whatever I had loaded.

Things happen for a reason though. You said God must want me. He does. I can prove it. When I was getting close to bottom, my mom took me out to see some guy at the hospital who ran the program I went into. He had me take the MMPI, and talked to me. He could tell I had issues with my dad. He asked me if I would consider his program, and I said, no I wasn't there yet. He said ok, but I want you to promise me something. I said ok. He said, don't do anything else to get yourself in trouble. Can you do that? I said yes sir I will try.

So a few weeks later, I had had enough, and called my mom and said, I am ready. It took a few weeks to get me situated at work, and what not, and then off I went. I had a counselor there, I wish I could find him, who just had my number. I think the other guy who ran the program had gotten ahold of my dad, and asked why does your son have such a problem with you? They made my dad come down one day, and we went down into the basement of this hospital. All my people there sat in a circle around me, I was in the floor, and they made my dad confess. He couldn't look at me. He teared up, but admitted he had hit me to hard.

I don't remember anymore about it. That's all.

But the counselors knew. They knew why I was in pain, and why I drank. I wonder if they ever told him?

Then even more interesting. On my second DUI. My favorite thing to do back then was get some beer and drink and ride back roads. Just to explore and look around. I was kind of a night owl. So when the police tried to pull me over, I of course took off. And I was getting away. But I had this "feeling" this "compulsion" to pull over. As though a voice commanded me to pull over. Mind you, I was getting away, I knew where I was heading out of town, and I knew I would have that officer lost in no time, but I headed the command and pulled over. When I was being taken back to the police cruiser, I noticed I had somehow managed to knock my muffler loose, and it had worn a groove down to the steel belt in my back tire. So... .I would have most certainly had a flat and who knows what would have happened then.

I remember one of the officers names, but what is funny about it, is where I worked, I knew everyone, and everyone knew me. So I was working one day, and he comes in with his wife, except the him is not the face, its some other guy, right? Oh and when I went to court, my lawyer told the judge, who also knew me, that I was going to rehab, and he was quite pleased. He said he would not have given me any jail time if he didn't have to.

So anyway, for a couple years I see this officer and his wife come in the store, right? One night, I was working customer service and he walks up to me and goes " can I ask you a question"? I said yes sir. He says "were you that guy... .?" and I cut him off and said Yes sir I was. I said, I want you to know something. I haven't had a drink since rehab, and to be honest, I really don't remember what happened that night. He looked at me and said ( and this still brings tears to my eyes ) "That's good son, because we were all worried about you".

It was the warmest most genuine thing a man had said to me up until that point in my life. I thought all these police officers were just out to rain on my parade, and give me tickets. I never realized they actually cared about me.

I have just never thought of myself as valuable. Most of my employers don't see my value, it takes a special person. I am not big about boasting, I like to be quiet and do my thing. I seem to be drawn to and attract women who like me because I can do things. I am handy around the house, I can cook, clean, and do most anything home improvement wise, but I don't like electrical very much. It hurts when you get bit! HAHA... And I can be quiet and just listen alot of the time, which makes them think something is wrong. No, just quiet.

I have always hoped and wanted to find someone who cared about me, appreciated and valued me, and understood me. I want to get well, and be healed, but... .sometimes its hard, things creep in before you know it. And I am a single dad with custody of 2 boys, so my plate is full.

thanks for listening to me... .God does take care of people. I guess you just have to be receptive.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Lockjaw,
  That is what we are here for, to keep each other alive and sane.  You are always welcome to talk.  I have told my problems often enough.  People DO care.  Isn't that beautiful?  And BTW I believe in angels.

[IWantToLive]

Happy Thanksgiving Lockjaw,

Not anymore. If she doesn't want to go see my family she doesn't have to. Of course that means she get excluded and proves herself correct, in that nobody likes her. Adult child... .and been this way for a very long time. It doesn't get better, only colder and more resentful for next go around. More ammo to unload for next year or next holiday. At least when they rage, you know whats on their mind, but getting cut off and silent, tends to worry me a bit more.

Sounds like my life. I have only recently learnt about BPD and it was an eye opener. Ever since I got married to my BPD wife, my interactions with my parents and my real sisters went from bad to worse to the extent that the communication with them is mere namesake. Gone are those days of those hearty laughs with them. Reason, my wife believes each one of us are against her, dislike her and so on and so forth. It has been close to 3 years now that she has not spoken to my father and occasionally with my mother and sisters. My parents have hardly seen my kids in these many years. And guess what, to help her in this then there is my extended family who she confides into. They make her feel good but actually they are all having fun of the entire circumstance that I and my parents and sisters are going through.

[Lockjaw]

My family likes my GF. I think it helps she is smart and beautiful, my ex wasn't as smart and let herself go.

And my sons' adore her, which is probably the major reason. My youngest son eats her up. He likes she is not fake and is direct. He can sniff out a poser in a heartbeat.

[sad but wiser]

She sounds good, Lockjaw.   Caution, caution and slow we go, right?  You and your boys have been traumatized, so this new lovely lady is like salve to your wounds.
 How are her other relationships, especially those with her mother and siblings?  Does she have plenty of friends and interests?   I would encourage you to take your time.  After all, the courtship is the fun part.

[Lockjaw]

She is an only child. She has been wounded by her dad. He was hands off, for his own reasons. He saw as a child a drunk father who would come home and try to get with his sisters. So... .he ends up with a beautiful daughter, and through his trauma as a child, has no relationship with her. I get it.

She says she is over it, but doesn't seem to see that she was still wounded. She has a special needs son, who her dad adores and dotes over. I know that has to hurt her, and yet at the same time, she feels blessed he can be that way for her son. He is her sons favorite person.

She says she has lots of friends, but I don't see it. I see guys who want to bang her. No real women friends. She is a major B$%@#. She says so. I was like, that something to put on your headstone. She responds by she doesn't want a funeral.

She cannot see herself objectively. Her mom calls her and does to her what she does to me. She HATES IT, yet never makes the connection. She tells her mom when her mom says you never come around anymore that the reason is because she causes drama. HELLO!    I told her you do the same thing to me. You hate it when she does it to you, but don't understand why I hate it when you do it to me.

I told her there is something she does that triggers a subconscious reaction in me. Something with how my dad was that I can't remember. When I shut down and don't want to talk anymore, she has triggered it. I think its because you can't convince her she is wrong when she is. There is no way to tell her hey, you are being a jack wagon and her take it well, or see it. Maybe later, in days she can, but in the moment, no.

If I am being a jerk and you ask me if I am being one, I will own it. Straight up say, yes, I am being a jerk. Her? Not an option. It is always ok for her to do the same things I get fussed at for doing. and she never gives a sincere humble christian apology.

It is always something like, sorry. She will whisper it. Its never I am sorry for saying or doing XYZ. I was rude, insensitive, controlling, whatever adjective you want. When I tell her I am sorry, I tell her what I am sorry for.

So I think the general perception of her is she lacks boundaries and is a royal B. Hence she has no one to do things with.

I am an introvert, so I don't like crowds or make friends well. But I am going to start working on it.

[Weary1402]

I also get blocked from everything for several days at a time. I have come to realize it is actually repreave for me. It's better than he horrible fighting. But soon when she's not so angry so will contact you and probably be sorry. The remorse my BPD ex felt hooked me back in every time.
It's a cycle. Stand your ground. If you need to apologize, do. Be patient, let her blow off some steam.  Trust me, it's better that way.

[Lockjaw]

She is still mad.

This is all so funny if you think about it. So I sent my ex an email and said my son said you got married saturday. Hope it works out, congrats, blah blah right?

She sends me back a message and said she sent me an email about. Come to find out it was in my spam folder, I put in a new server last week and had issues with my email.

So I let GF know, hey she did send me an email, it ended up in my spam folder. She is angry because she (gf) wasn't heard. Of course, she left out the part about she didn't hear me, or care what I thought, she had to voice her opinion. She said she listens to me rant about my work, or her, but I didn't listen to her rant about her. And she wanted to rant about it while I had the kids and couldn't answer her, and of course when I said, I can't talk about this right now, did she hear that? Nope, she kept right on talking. Just like when we have an argument and I say, ok my food is ready, I need to eat. What does she do? Keeps right on talking.

I am like, what gives you the right to rant about my ex wife when she didn't do anything to you? My GF is like the gov't. She finds a problem, and then needs to be the fixer of said problem. I didn't say that to her, you know, because that would be gas on a fire.

So anyway, I reminded her of everyone else's reaction, my mom, dad, sis, mine, my best man friend, and my kids. Then her's. You might gather that everyone else was like, well OK then, , and her's was nuclear launch is immenent. She was mad for me and my sons. For what my ex did to us. Well if we aren't mad, why should she be?

So had I actually listened to my GF and jumped in my ex wife's case about getting married and not giving me any respect by telling me ahead of time, I would have looked like a tool. And destroyed alot of what I have worked for, which is getting her to communicate and work with me for the kids benefit.

Personally I think the GF is upset because I have made tons of progress with this, and she can't hold over my head she and her ex are able to work together for their sons' benefit.

And she didn't call me or see me on my birthday. Now imagine if I pulled that on hers? That would be on my permanent record. I would hear about that every year.

But like you said, the reprive is good sometimes.

Oh and she is also mad because I didn't invite her to my work Xmas party. You know, because I didn't get my ex to agree to take the kids a day early until monday, and she acted a fool monday night. So now I can't ask her because she will say its a pity ask, because she brought up.

#winning

[sad but wiser]

Good thing she's your girlfriend and not your wife.  Are you sure you are ready to deal with a significant other who holds your personal emotional growth "over your head" rather than applaudes your efforts?  Just wondering.
 

[Lockjaw]

No I was thinking about that on the way to work this am. I sent her a short message last night that I was sad I was sleeping alone again, and she came back with how it is all my choice. So I guess the decision for her to go thermonuclear over something that I actually thought was comical and ended up the ex wife did notify me, didn't matter.

I swear, her ability to dodge responsibility for the things she does is just mind blowing to me.

And I also realized that my ex, who never apologized either, did a better job of apologizing for leaving me and the boys the way she did than my GF does.

I guess if I mattered, she would have put me first and called me on my Bday. But its not a big deal, I am shy and don't like to have a big deal made about things like that. Thankfully my work wife is off in China, or she would have emailed out everyone at the office like she normally does. I was able to keep my Bday secret for a long time.

[Weary1402]

She has a sweet side, but good lord she can be a royal B. And I should say this, I am not the kind of guy who says things like that. If I say someone is a royal B, you can believe they are. I just don't use language like that.


[/quote]

I'm not sure how to do this quote thing. I relate to this so much. I have been called names that aren't even in most peoples vocabulary. The rage is so hard to deal with. BPD people seem to feel justified in tearing people to shreds. My ex would conveniently forget what she said to me.  So she moves on fine and I'm left feeling like I was in a blender. And there was a wonderful side to her,  but it got to where my recovery times were longer than the next explosion would happen and I got to the point that I had to be done. The good wasn't worth the bad.

[Lockjaw]

Oh its better. While I was seeing my counselor today, I got 14 messages, 2 voicemails, 3 emails, and several calls.

It was so bad I had to turn my phone off.  Then she wanted to carry on when I got back to work, so I had to turn phone off and put office phone on DND.

Then she said she was humiliated. Well DUH! How many times have I said, I am not hashing out an argument while I am working?

Oh I was just gonna surprise you... .

I mean dang. Blowing up someones phone because you need to be heard?

Oh and you should have seen her try to show me in my settlement agreement how my ex broke it by getting married. LOL!

I did get an apology, but now the next phase begins. This is where she will spin it to make it seem like I am a cruel heartless bastage because I dared to not listen to her, and I dared to have a boundary and enforce it, and she is a victim... .they are masters at it.

She is having a panic attack right now. Says I need to call her. I did and it goes to VM. I have panic attacks. Not her.

I feel like a lab rat sometimes.

[Lockjaw]

Well I was dumb. But I felt good when I did it.

I dropped a truth bomb on her. She made the assertion that all her opinions come from good intentions.

So I said this:

Your mom calls you up and gives you her opinion on a lot of things. It royally pisses you. It pisses you off to the point you have told your mom it is the reason you don't call her as much or go see her as much as you used to. Your mom loves you and only has good intentions, right? Yet you do the same thing to me she does to you, but its ok for you to cut her off, it is not ok for me to cut you off. It's ok for you to be pissed off, its not ok for me to be.

I said, there it is, a truth bomb. Tell me I am wrong. Give me the spin, tell me how its different. Your mom loves you, you hate it. You love me, and I hate it. I feel the same as you about it. How many times have we been here? How many times have I asked you to tone it down? Why can't you just say, wow I really do that? I can see why you get so upset? Why can't I be validated?

She of course had no answer.

This was even more interesting. She asked me if I was being an A hole. I said, yes pretty much. Then I asked her, what are you being? She comes back with I feel ... .I stopped her and said, that is an emotion. I asked you what you are being, I am looking for an adjective. A hole is not a feeling. Of course she never answered that either. Another hallmark of a BP if you ask me.

I said you know the difference between me and you? If you ask me if I am doing something, I will straight up own it, you won't. When I apologize to you, I tell you what I did. You just say sorry. You never own your behavior. You never admit what you did.

And she never gets how this constant arguing is cummulative. She seems to think she starts argument, she says sorry, clean slate. Never happened, erased from the memory banks. But it's not. It's a constant beat down of oh here we go again. Sister girl is off the reservation.

So into the weekend I go. YAY!

[Notwendy]

Lockjaw- seems that you got your boundaries pushed. Constant messages on your phone- not being accountable for behaviors. Those are boundaries. Not acceptable to you.

I've been pushed to where I just let it out- truth bomb as you say. Doesn't often go very well but sometimes it just get to the point. I don't know if real learning in the long run comes out of that. In the short run, I think the reaction scares the other person - they may get angry, dysregulate, and /or come back apologetic with promises to do better. The "wipe the slate clean" pretend it didn't happen seems to be a common pattern. I think that is the kind of apology they can do. The one we seek- deep thought and owning the behavior seems to be hard to get, at least in my experience.

What does seem to get the message about boundaries is action over time. Stating - I will not receive phone calls at work or at the counselor- I will turn my phone off. Then- well she can test the boundary- call as many times as she wants to- but will get an automated answer. If you answer just once, after 14 times, the behavior is reinforced.

The other one- how she speaks to you- has to be done by you just walking away. Focus on talking about you, not her " I feel too frustrated to continue this conversation- I need to take a break" and just follow through.

The dramatic exchange between the two of you is a form of energy. It can actually feel stimulating mentally to have these emotional incidences. Some people can feel addicted to drama and anger- and tend to stir it up. Also, this is intense focus on her. So it may feel as if you are being baited into the arguments, but the pattern is due to both of you. If you can pay attention to how you are feeling- and if you feel agitated, then that is the time to step out of the discussion.

Mostly I have found that letting loose does feel good in the moment, but the result was that the other person went into victim mode at being "attacked" and didn't see their part in it. Consistent actions over time, not words, seemed to work better in the long run.

[Lockjaw]

She does the victim thing well. That is something that drives me up a wall. She can be totally wrong, and yet she spins it to make herself a martyr.

I did ask her last night when she was complaining because I wasn't easing off if she liked it. She of course said she didn't. I said, this is how it feels to me when you start in. That makes me a bad person, because she says I am doing it intentionally. So I said, human beings have the ability to bite their tongue and temper what they say. You possess this ability, so by default, when you state an opinion about something you weren't asked for, you made a choice to state it, thus implying intent. Tell me I am wrong.

She couldn't. And I am sure it fell on deaf ears.

She said this am the reason she called me so much was she wanted to see me. I said, that doesn't excuse making 14 calls. You call once and leave a message. You sent all of this while I was in the counselors office. I had to turn my phone off. It didn't make me want to see you more. I asked her how would you feel if I blew you phone up while you were sitting in a doctors office, or your bosses office?

Her thing with work is I used to message her more. Well my boss changed, and quite frankly, I got on ADD meds, so I am way more focused, which I have told her.

She said this morning I wasn't saying much. I said I was listening to you. She said she is an only child, she can talk to herself. I said I can't talk and you talk at the same time. I said do you see what you are doing? If I talk to much, that is wrong, if I don't talk enough, that is wrong. What is right?

She wants us to come up with some rules. I said ok, I want this rule. If you don't like it when I do something to you, don't do it to me, and vice versa. That is the rule I want.

I want her to read the boundaries book, I asked her to, but she said no. She doesn't get that concept. It's like my kids. If there is a decision that needs to be made about them, me and their mom can't just decide, she has to be consulted too. If I don't consult her, then  I am not a team player. I said of course, I don't insist on that with your son. Why don't you call his dad up and tell him that your BF wants to be consulted on everything as it relates to his son and see what he says.

I learned a lot about being a step parent, and the pitfalls and traps in it. No one can come in and replace a childs same sex parent, and the child accept that, unless the child is very young. If you do that, they just resent you. Been there, done that. The second part is it pisses off their same sex parent. Been there, done that.

So I told her I know what my role is with your son. His dad is his dad, good or bad (he's good) and I honor him and respect him for that. I will never come between him and his son. She of course says, you can't. I said, whether I can or can't isn't part of the equation. He is his dad, I OWE HIM that respect. By same token, you owe it to my ex. You don't have to like her, be her friend, or think she will be a rock star mom (she won't) but you have to at least respect and honor her, for my kids sake.

The insane side of me really wishes there was an argument judge someplace. You go, sit down, state your case, and the person says who is smoking crack and who isn't. You know? Not that I want to be right, but there needs to be a resolution. If two people have different thoughts about it, it seems it would be better if someone just said, hey, you are a little off base.

She says I dont' ever see her good qualities. I said, if I didn't, I would have said bye Felicia a long time ago, and listed some for her.

I swear I think this is the only kind of woman I date. I realize I am not the smartest guy, and sometimes I need someone to get out their crayons and draw me a picture, but dang, none ever seem to get the concept of if you want me to treat you a certain way, extend that courtesy to me too... .I always start out nice. I let things go.

This is something she doesn't see either. If every week, a new argument starts, and she starts it, and I handle the first 20 nice, and then gradually get more and more frustrated, then being nice becomes way more difficult. So then she will say, well my punishment doesn't fit the crime. I said, what happens to a criminal with a long rap sheet? Do they get an easy sentence as their rap sheet gets longer for keeping on doing the same crime over and over? Or does their "punishment" get much greater?

That kind of logic falls on deaf ears. I was kinda proud of myself for coming up with it quickly, usually I am slow, like George on Seinfeld with the cut down comments. 

[once removed]

Lockjaw, have you accepted that you are dealing with mental illness?

[Lockjaw]

Yes or else I am in the twilight zone or candid camera.

Sometimes I tell myself I can manage, and other times, I think its hopeless. And I do hold out hope that at some point a light will go off, but probably won't ever.

[once removed]

i ask because i see a lot of commonality in your previous post as to how i handled my relationship. trying to teach her by her own example, using her behavior against her.

you are setting yourself up for a lot of stress with this method. it feeds the dysfunctional cycle. it only builds your resentment toward her and her toward you.

dont get me wrong. you mean well, as i did. the unfairness, and inconsideration were flabbergasting to me as well, as was BPD at the time.

without radical acceptance that you see and experience things very differently, and changing your approach(es), its hard to make improvements that ease the stress for you.

how are your communication skills? have you learned and practiced the ones directly to the right ------>

[Lockjaw]

I have looked at some of those. To be honest, when I click on them they go to messages, and then I have a hard time following sometimes. And then of course, alot of you here have terms or acronyms you use, and I have to go find out what they are before I can understand what the person is saying.

I am codependent. I have a hard time with conflict. So I am not a fan of saying something bothers me, unless its something major. I just let it go.

I try to stick to how I feel, and stay away from statements like "YOU DO".

I think the biggest thing I need to overcome if I want to stay with her is my initial reaction when she has one of her outbursts, or whatever you want to call it. I have to remember to get at her feeling, what is really the issue, not what she is fussing about.

She did say something more positive about seeing a counselor, so... .that may be in the works. I don't know if I think she is full blown BPD or if she just has traits.

And she does not like me stepping away from one of our disagreements. That triggers her abandonment. I told her the other day she was making some statement about I needed to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume her intentions are good as ir relates to her giving opinions, and I said to her, I will give you that as long as you give me that there are times I can't answer the phone, and that doesn't mean I am doing  it intentionally to hurt you.

I asked her to tell me if there was something I could do right now that would make her feel more secure, and she told me 4 things, which I put in my phone so I would remember them. Then she wanted to add a couple more and I said, let me work on these 4 for a bit.

She didn't ask me if she could do anything for me though... .but that is ok. I will just do what I can and see if it helps her react better.

[once removed]

And she does not like me stepping away from one of our disagreements.

she may not like it. that doesnt mean its not whats best for you. what kind of disagreements are we talking about? circular arguments? berating? worse?

I said to her, I will give you that as long as you give me that there are times I can't answer the phone,

this is unlikely given the impulsive nature of people with BPD, the need for immediate gratification, the response to being flooded with emotion at the time. leading by example is great. holding her accountable is important. trying to teach her "whats fair is fair" is likely to be banging your head against the wall.

I asked her to tell me if there was something I could do right now that would make her feel more secure

i believe that reassurance is a loving action and it goes a very long way in these relationships, and its good that shes communicating her needs and wants. its important for you to remember that she is insecure by nature. its a part of her. its a balance - being an emotional caretaker while maintaining boundaries and realistic expectations. point being, be an emotionally supportive, attentive and loving partner, yes. listen, yes. expect those things to consistently make her feel more secure, or give more of yourself than you have to give, id discourage.

[Lockjaw]

Arguments are usually about something very dumb and trivial. And it has a lot to do with what and how she says it. To me her tone is critical in nature. And she comes across as sounding all knowing. And she is usually never at fault or in the wrong. I think the more I hold out and try to be nice, the more she will do things to frustrate me so I get mad and fuss back. Then she says we are both wrong. I have said before, I would take that as me getting what I deserved, as in, I start a fight over something dumb, she tries to de-escalate it, and I keep on and one, and finally she has enough and drops the hammer. Both are at fault. I would say the instigator is and they ended up getting a dose of their own medicine. She of course doesn't like that concept at all.

Most of the time its hard to stay on the subject if she is wrong. As soon as the focus shifts to her, she is throwing everything at me. I told her she kitchen sinks me. She says I do that, if I give her examples of where she has done something similar in the past.

She is very instant gratification. The phone calls are an area where that is very obvious. And of course rather than understand I can't always answer the phone, she goes, we just won't talk on the phone when you are at work. I said, its ok if its not for long or its not an argument. I just don't want to hash out arguments at work over the phone. So there are times I feel like I am dealing with a child. But she will fuss if I treat her like a child.

Really tho, the thing that is most obvious is she doesn't work with logic well. So if she is off the reservation, such as she was when she called me and sent me all these messages the other day while I was in the counseling office, there is nothing I can say that she will see her behavior wasn't appropriate. And I hate to respond to it, because I feel like that is rewarding bad behavior.

Or she will say we aren't a team. I asked for some examples of how we could be more of a team, and that seems to baffle her. Like she was upset I made some changes to my visitation schedule with my ex for this week. I had a staff xmas party to go to after work, and couldn't go unless the boys were taken care of. She was unhappy I asked my ex to get the kids before telling her about the party. She says, so your ex knows about the party, but not me. I said, I wanted to be able to be sure she could take them before I said anything to you. Because if she couldn't then I wasn't going to go.

She felt we should have talked about it. I kind of think its dumb. And the thing that is really weird is she could be ok with this, but the way she says it,m you would not get that.

Here is an example of that. She says I an LJ, party of one. I don't really see that. But the way she says it, its derrogatory, and a problem. But then if I press, she says, its not a problem, you just need to decide. Then of course, I am sitting here thinking, well if its not a problem why are we talking about it?

So it seems like she needs to have more say in what goes on in and around my house, but we aren't engaged, we don't live together. It seems more to me like what she wants is for people further along. Does that make any sense?

[sad but wiser]

She sounds dreadfully insecure and unsure of her status with you.  Looking for you to discuss mundane things with her may make her feel emotionally closer to you.  I know, sounds strange.
  Let's take the party situation.
You, very logically, thought something like, "I will go if I can get the boys taken care of.  Hmmmm, maybe I can switch times with their mom.   I'll just text (or call) and see if it can be done."  Now, to you, there is no point in letting your new girl know if it can't be done in the first place. 
  She, on the other hand, was probably thinking something like, "I am just a side issue in his life.  Everyone, even his ex who he doesn't like, knows his plans before I do!  How important am I to him?  Probably not very!  I am not a priority.  I'm more invested in this relationship than he is.  I care more.  I feel like crying."
  If you only knew how we women overcomplicate things in our heads!  But we don't do it on purpose.  Our thoughts are all connected together.  You can seperate and concentrate on one thing at a time.  Not us!  If you ask us where the meat came from, we are wondering if it is too tough, or if it tastes bad, or if you are thinking we spent too much. That is why you get an answer like, "I got,it at,the grocery store... .it was,on sale for $4.99 a pound.  That's 50% off!  I just got it yesterday."  And you're thinking, "Why did she add all of that info?  Where did she say she got it?  I think the game is coming on... .(checks phone) Yep."
   Have some pity on us poor girls.  Our brains go,like that 24/7 and no one made a point to teach us that men's brains don't.  Lol!

[Lockjaw]

You are right about her and how she took it. She said my ex knew about the party before she did. Of course my ex knows about the party, its an annual event... .LOL! But I said to my GF, yes, but she didn't know I was going to take you... .

That didn't help me any.

What I can't fathom about her is when I met her, she seemed very sure of her self. Very confident. She is beautiful, and I tell her often she is hot, and sexy, and I love her body. I love to be seen with her. She asked me why, and I said, because you are hot, and guys are going, I wonder what that guy has going on to be with that hot woman. She thinks I am crazy and that I am hot. Which I don't. So I laughed and said we would be a mess if both of us thought of ourselves the way the other does.

I know her ex didn't want to do anything with her. Didn't really ever pursue her once she had her son. Didn't want to be seen with her, unless they went to eat and he could drink. So me pursuing her is a big deal. I have to ask her out on dates, even after a year and a half. And I try to. With me, time sneaks up on me, so I am always a step behind.

And I love she is very down to earth about a lot of things.

She is more type A than I am. I told her the other day that the way nature works, it tricks us. I found this article about it online. Our brains dope us up, and when that wears off, we end up where we are now, which is we are different. The beauty of it is nature does this on purpose, so we each challenge each other and make the other person grow.

For me, I could be more type A. I could be more driven. I could be more money conscious like she is. For her, she could be more laid back, not so blunt and direct, not so uptight about things.

I am actually qualified to be a CPA, I just have to take the exam, and pass, which is the hard part. It is what holds me back career wise, yet its hard to study when I have 2 boys in school and am the primary custodial parent. She said this AM she wished I would get it so she didn't have to work.

Maybe one of these days... .I want to get a study course and work on it.

She also gets upset when I tell her she is the only woman I give up hobbies for. I love to deer hunt, its deer season right now, and last year and this year, I routinely come back to do things with her. She says I am throwing that in her face. I said, maybe I didn't say it properly, but the gist of it is I enjoy being with you more than I enjoy spending the whole weekend in the woods hunting. The significance is you are the only person I can say that about. It means you are special... .

I have days I love her to death and think we will make it fine, and then I have days when she is one of her moods, and I go, WTH am I thinking.

She has a lot to deal with. Autistic son, asberger ex, in constant pain, and then she has me. ADD guy with two ADD boys. My youngest son loves her to death tho. He calls her "Queen of Beautifulness".

He loves to snuggle with her. I don't think his mom does much of that with him. And he is like her, he sees right through fake.

[sad but wiser]

☺  Have you ever thought of asking her what she is most afraid of?  This is a special question to a woman, because we are all afraid of something, no matter how confident we are.  And that fear is what drives us.  Often for women, it is a deep fear of being left alone to deal with life (and usually with a child or children.)  It is that we are too much or too little to inspire love.  I suspect this question could open up her world a lot for you.  It sounds to me like you love and admire her!

[Lockjaw]

I know what it is. It is a fear of disengaging. Ironic huh? She does the kinds of thing that makes a person disengage her.

The way she puts it though, you can't hold her accountable for her behavior. Say she goes off the reservation, and I try to calm and de-escalate the situation, right? That doesn't work, so I end up saying, hey, if you are going to be like this, then I am going home, hanging up, whatever.

I have just disengaged. So I have done to her what is her biggest fear, but I can't say, hey, you asked for it. You earned it. I have a right to be treated a certain way. There is no valid reason I can disengage. Not to her.

So I have asked, is it some kind of test. What do I have to prove?

I try to get her to see she should meet me someplace in the middle. Not very effectively.

My big thing is I hate to argue. Hence meeting in the middle.

She has a very well constructed wall of defenses. It is nearly impossible to address an issue with her.

[heartandwhole]

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