Still no contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Still no contact with son's mother.

Still cannot wrap my mind around how she can just walk away but that don't really matter right now. I'm getting what I want, full time with my son and no worries when he's with his mother.

My pastor told me:

If she had a mother's love for (son), you couldn't drive her away with dynamite.

I was told, before my son was born this would all happen, guess she's much more ill than I ever imagined.

Lawyer is going to file after the first of the year, her family are all supportive and want my son in my custody.

Things are going well, when I'm not sick.

Her brother said son's mother just wants to sleep all day with no responsibility.

I was also told the only reason she ever wanted my son was to control me and keep me in her life. (Narcissistic?)

Is she punishing me for leaving her? Is she punishing our son too? Is she not even conscience of either of us?

Her mother says she mentally sick and unhealthy?

It's so strange

I'm breaking free from the guilt that maybe I caused her to leave. Still get in the fog once in a while.

[JerryRG]

Still no contact with son's mother.

Still cannot wrap my mind around how she can just walk away but that don't really matter right now. I'm getting what I want, full time with my son and no worries when he's with his mother.

My pastor told me:

If she had a mother's love for (son), you couldn't drive her away with dynamite.

I was told, before my son was born this would all happen, guess she's much more ill than I ever imagined.

Lawyer is going to file after the first of the year, her family are all supportive and want my son in my custody.

Things are going well, when I'm not sick.

Her brother said son's mother just wants to sleep all day with no responsibility.

I was also told the only reason she ever wanted my son was to control me and keep me in her life. (Narcissistic?)

Is she punishing me for leaving her? Is she punishing our son too? Is she not even conscience of either of us?

Her mother says she mentally sick and unhealthy?

It's so strange

I'm breaking free from the guilt that maybe I caused her to leave. Still get in the fog once in a while.

[ForeverDad]

Still cannot wrap my mind around how she can just walk away... .

I was also told the only reason she ever wanted my son was to control me and keep me in her life. (Narcissistic?)

Is she punishing me for leaving her? Is she punishing our son too? Is she not even conscience of either of us?

Her mother says she mentally sick and unhealthy?

Understand that even though she is not dysfunctional enough to require commitment to an institution, BPD is mental illness.  Her mental state is still skewed away from normal ranges.  So to expect normalcy from her is unrealistic.

Accept that it is the reality and proceed with your life and parenting.  Maybe at some time in the future she can have a limited share in parental contact.  Maybe, but it will become more likely only if she makes real progress in therapy.  You can't do it for her.  Meanwhile, remember that you won't block contact just because you can.  Limits on parenting will be based on her behaviors and other improvements.

[JerryRG]

Thank you ForeverDad

She has my number and knows how to get it if she wants to contact me. I will focus on my son and myself now.

Have a great day

[WalkingAway]

I can relate. It been 273 days since 2S has seen his mother, and she has had the opportunity to use supervised visitation the whole time. I am still confused and hurt by the fact that it seems like she does not care for him.

[JerryRG]

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that WalkingAway

All this reminds me of the relationship, was she there for me? No, she never was. How could she be there for our child?

I am sad she don't want our son but it is best she stays away because she's so mentally ill it will affect our son in negitive ways.

I hope you find peace WalkingAway

None of this is your fault, remember that?

We did our best against impossible odds, we must protect our children.

[WalkingAway]

Thanks,

I believe I have found peace with myself in regards to the breakup and within me. And I 100% agree with you, it is now about giving our children the best possible future. And I know that right now it would not be good for 2s to be alone with his mom. So in a way, this is the best for everyone. But 2s still deserves a mother who loves him, and as I have realized that the love she gave me when we were together was false, I am staring to think the same goes for the love she gave to our son… That thought truly saddens my soul.

I thought all of this would give her some time to realize that she has to fix her life, get treatment etc (she is also struggling with drug abuse and troubles with the law…). But I believe her prioritize are elsewhere and, like you, I am starting to wonder if she does not care for 2s at all? Or is she just not capable? All of that is tough to comprehend, especially when she is claiming main custody in our court hearing in February. I know that is probably an act and she is doing it to not lose face, and I know she will not get it and that “worst case scenario” is the same as now (supervised visitation with her not showing up). Still, it hard to understand how she is seemingly giving 2s up…


I hope you find peace to, Jerry

[JerryRG]

Thank you WalkingAway

Their disease always wins.

I have my days where I want to give up and walk away from all this, I worry about the next chaotic encounter with our son's mother. I'm filing for full custody next month, I believe I will get it too. I am fortunate to have her whole family for support as well. Without them, this site and many friends and family, church, sponsors, therapist, and most of all my faith, I would have given up.

Thanks again

[Patriot]

I understand your situation and am glad you are filing for custody.  I had a similar situation where my son had little or no contact with his mom over a four year period.  I documented all the contact and the most contact of any of the years was approximately 30 days, even though we lived less than a mile apart.  I felt very sad for my son but he learned to adapt quite well and became an incredible young man.

Sometime during the fourth year she decided that she would file with the courts for 100% primary residence along with asking for back child support.  Unfortunately, we have been in a legal battle for 1 ½ years and our son is doing a 50/50 sharing during this time period.   I didn’t file for custody when there was no contact for financial reasons but I also was truly hoping that she was getting better.  I now regret no doing it but thought I didn’t want to kick someone while they were down.  It seems the courts don’t always look at what someone did, compared to what they are doing.  I agree with ForeverDad, that if someone can show that they have progressed and improved through therapy or any other methods of treatment they should be given an opportunity for time with their child.  Unfortunately in my situation the mom refuses to communicate with us and the courts what action she has taken to get better other than just telling us she is better.

Hang in there and thank you for being an incredible parent and providing a solid foundation for your son.   

[ForeverDad]

Unfortunately in my situation the mom refuses to communicate with us and the courts what action she has taken to get better other than just telling us she is better.

"Refuses to communicate" does not sync with "she is better".  Courts expect cooperation and communication about the children.  (Courts generally don't care whether the parents have any cooperation on adult matters, once divorced they will be living separate lives, the only expected connection is the children.)  Sounds like she doesn't want any poor behaviors documented?  Or maybe it means she's got you rejected and blacklisted in her mind?

If she claims she's better and you claim she's not or no evidence of it, then court may have to call in a professional for a psych eval (often some tests and brief interviews) or a custody eval (some tests and in depth sessions including the children, taking several months).  Whichever professional is used, make sure it is one who has a reputation for solid work, agreeing to just anybody or the cheapest can in rare cases be worse than no evaluation.  My custody evaluator was a child psychologist, quite excellent, and was surprisingly less expensive than most.