Don't want her, but don't want anyone else

[rogerroger]

Does anyone else ever feel this way? When I think about what I went through, I can't imagine going back to it. But I can't even think about being with anyone else. Trying to imagine being with someone else just feels wrong.

(This is at 9 months out.)

[hithere]

I think this is a normal feeling if you went through a rough relationship.  Healing for everyone has a different time-line, nine months out is just not enough for you.  Are you in therapy?

[screwedovr]

I'm 6 months out of 12 yr marriage and can't even think about dating yet. Of course she already had a guy lined up right away.  I think we just need to find who we were before the relationship and no doubt, learn from the experience.  Maybe next time when we figure out its not an equal, mutual giving relationship we won't be so willing to put up with a bunch of weird, crazy behavior.  I definitely know what you're talking about!

[elessar]

Yes. When she had gone for 4.5 years I had a couple of tiny crushes, but never serious enough to date. Just didn't feel like.

And now its worse. Its only 48 days since our last breakup (she's on dating sites after this break up) so I cannot say its been long.

I just feel... .  I gave my absolutely everything. I gave my heart, soul, tears, money, energy, emotions, self-esteem, my career, my schooling... .  everything. Because I was deeply in love. I just don't feel like doing it all over again... .  

[sad but wiser]

I hear you elessar.  No offense men, but I don't want another relationship, ever.  It is a real shame, I gave it all, and believe me I was certainly head-turning beautiful, smart and talented, but he didn't even appreciate it.  What a waste!  Now I'm 19 years older, still beautiful, but not so young.  Oh well. 

[trevjim]

I felt like that at the start, I think its quite normal, I found myself comparing everyone to her.

5 months out and im just starting to feel ready to date again 

Just need to find a nice woman first!

[mango_flower]

Yep.

She was my first "true love" - first engagement (never thought it would be over 5 months later!), first person I had ever planned a future with... .  I had never been in love before.

I miss it.  I miss being in love.  It was amazing.  Mainly because I always thought love was for other people, never me. But I found my other half, my little broken person who didn't judge me.

And I want to feel like that again.

But I simply can't imagine feeling like that about anyone who isn't her... .  anyone else wouldn't kiss me the same way, look at me the same way, have the same smell, fit so perfectly to me when we fell asleep at night... .  urgh.

Anything else would just feel so wrong.

My heart tells me she was so right for me, but my head knows that this is the right thing.

But yeah.  I agree.

[Vegasskydiver]

Does anyone else ever feel this way? When I think about what I went through, I can't imagine going back to it. But I can't even think about being with anyone else. Trying to imagine being with someone else just feels wrong.

(This is at 9 months out.)

Oh my... .  I ws thinking the very exact same thing this morning... .  it made me feel so selfish

[elessar]

people say go somewhere you enjoy, do something you like... .  all that will keep your mind off of your ex.

well, her memories are everywhere. everything i love in this world, she was a part of it. so i literally have to change myself so I can do something and not be reminded of her. Those long 4.5 years apart, those were the very reasons. And that time we were together for only 4 months. Now we were together on/off for 2+ years.

I know time will decrease the pain. It really does. But we just learn to live with it... .  not forget it. Right now I have no interest in dating because I will try to make the new girl into my ex. I did that back in 2006 and lost a very good friend of mine. If a girl tries to get closer, sure I will appreciate it but then that would be because I am emotionally vulnerable. I would be with the new person because of the emotional comfort rather than be part of a healthy relationship.

Everyone eventually moves on right. Do they forget the pain? Who knows.

20-22 years back one of my mom's uncle passed away. I was hearing a story very similar to mine. He was in love with a girl, but his parents didn't approve of it and made him marry someone else. Now this is 1960s India where many people did not even see their spouses before the wedding day. Well, he married my mother's aunt but he never stopped loving his first love. He was never happy in the marriage. Never smiled. And he passed away from natural causes in his early 50s.

Some people just never get over their first love, especially if that first love is torn apart from them by outside forces. The fact that I would deal with that ~ in 21st century USA... .  I am just afraid I have aged so much in the last few years, I might pass away young. I am only 27 and I have now given up plucking my grey hair... .  they are just too many now to pluck.

My ex was in this much pain too during our first break-up. I guess her childhood sexual abuse, emotional abuse and verbal abuse at home, and this break-up 7 years back started her BPD. So as much as she shows all the typical symptoms of BPD, so many times the glimpses of that normal, intelligent, brave girl comes out. But now I mostly see a scared girl who is in an ultra defensive mode, sticking with her abusive parents and trying to get married to someone her daddy would approve of.

[elessar]

@sad but wiser

how long back did you break up? it was a 19 year relationship?

@mango flower

i like your writings. reminds me of the hopeless romantic that i am 

now i am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. haha

[crashintome]

I'm in the exact same boat.  I don't want what she ended up to be.  I want the lies she sold me in the beginning.  No one else measures up to the facade she put on when we first started.  It's so hard to try to date after living through that.

[OTH]

I will not let my life be dominated by a failed relationship. I will undertand my weaknesses. I will understand I can grow emotionally and choose a healthier partner. I will not let temporary sadness turn into long term depression. I have good relationships. I need a good romantic relationship. This is a lesson. Not a life time sentence.

[karhues]

I certainly hope we don't feel like this for the rest of life - I miss him so much but I know he is sick and no matter how much I love him it won't matter.  I haven't dated at all and its been 4 months - I am trying to focus on me - taking several college classes, go to the gym and weekly therapy.  I was with him for over 20 years divorced and recycled for 2 years post the divorce - thought he changed and loved me - the divorce was much worse this time it sucks because I really thought we were so blessed to have another chance to be a family - it was great for a bit but very soon the cycle started to begin and I knew - and once again I hung on to something that wasn't possible. UG!

I will not let my life be dominated by a failed relationship. I will understand my weaknesses. I will understand I can grow emotionally and choose a healthier partner. I will not let temporary sadness turn into long term depression. I have good relationships. I need a good romantic relationship. This is a lesson. Not a life time sentence.

I like what OTH said it was very uplifting and something to strive for!

[Clearmind]

Does anyone else ever feel this way? When I think about what I went through, I can't imagine going back to it. But I can't even think about being with anyone else. Trying to imagine being with someone else just feels wrong.

(This is at 9 months out.)

Fear can have a bearing on this.

Yes I hear you! RR, we endured a lot, we had a lot to process – this takes energy – I didn’t have the energy to put into another relationship just yet – I felt like I was in a transition phase for a good while – that is OK.

If we beat ourselves up over wanting to be alone (rather than lonely) there is nothing wrong with that.

It’s also helpful to reframe the “someone else” to “meeting new and interesting people”. We may not want to formally date however meeting new people can only be a good thing – great and healthy relationships stem from friendships.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself – heal – have fun – enjoy your space.

[rogerroger]

It’s also helpful to reframe the “someone else” to “meeting new and interesting people”. We may not want to formally date however meeting new people can only be a good thing – great and healthy relationships stem from friendships.

Thanks very much for this thought. I believe this is very much on target. I guess that when I think about meeting new people, I am packing in all sorts of extra worries. In particular, I suppose I am wondering or worrying about whether a new relationship would have the same emotional intensity, the same feeling of "rightness", etc. That is, I am thinking too much about a new relationship as a replacement for the old. But that is the wrong way to think about it, isn't it? There is no such thing as replacement; every relationship is unique and needs to have its own parameters.

I think mainly I'm still just grieving for the loss of what I felt should have been.

My divorce attorney once told me that divorce is often harder than coping with death, because you have to accept the loss of someone who is still around. I am inclined to agree.

[seeking balance]

My divorce attorney once told me that divorce is often harder than coping with death, because you have to accept the loss of someone who is still around. I am inclined to agree.

This was true for me.  Be patient with yourself during the divorce process - that is a world of its own really.  For me, once the dust settled and ALL divorce stuff final - I was a bit lost to say the least.  I "knew" all the right things to say, but my emotions took time to catch up.

OTH is right on target - this relationship was a lesson, not a death sentence.  Affirmations have helped me keep my focus and not fall into my own "victim" mode.

Life is not always fair - bad things happen - it is how we move on that determines our character.  Be patient and kind to yourself, it really is ok to not feel like being with anyone else.  This too shall pass ;-)

Peace,

SB

[sad but wiser]

Elessar - We've been apart for 6 months now.  Yes, married for 19 years, dated for 1 year prior.  He was so charming and had such a bad situation going on, and he thought I was so wonderful - - until we had been married about 6 months, then everything started to change.  I was SOO confused and I thought it had to be my fault.  He told me exactly why it was my fault.  Yes, I stayed.  By the time I was wondering if it wasn't really me, we had a baby and another on the way.  I didn't believe in divorce, so I stayed - and nearly lost myself.  Sad story.  Happens.

[MovingOn311]

Im also in the same boat, 8 months out, recently divorced and still think about the x almost everyday even though I know Im in a better place now for myself and my future.  I really didn't know what the was going on with her as far as her having BPD.  I had no clue it was coming and was literally blindsided.  No talks of divorce, recently celebrated a anniversary together and then, wham-o,  month later, she left.  We were fighting over little things the last couple months, but nothing to where a marriage needed to end.

Right after she left, I was in total shock.  Two weeks straight on the couch in complete agony wondering what the hell happened.  Talked to her a few times on the phone to say I was sorry and try to find out and understand why this was happening.  Of course, nothing was her fault and everything was mine.  Didn't pay enough attention to her, used her for money, never appreciated anything she did for me, blame, blame, blame, so far from the truth.  After the two weeks, I was in therapy for 3 months following and thats when I found out about BPD and how my x had all of the common signs.  Always played the victim with previous boyfriends, always there fault as to why she left them (big red flag), idealized me at the beginning, painted me black at the end, unstable relationships with friends, black/white thinking, everything was there.  A friend of mine, who is in the psychology field, picked up on her behavior right away and brought it to my attention after she left which really put things into perspective for me.

So now, 8 months out, I've been going to the gym, trying to take care of myself, recently got a degree, got a new job and everything is really falling into place with everything in my life.  But, even though I am still upset and angry at how it all ended and the fact I didn't get any closure and was blamed, there is that part of my heart that does care for her and wish I could have helped her though it.  It was the one thing through therapy I really felt guilty about.  I kept telling my therapist how angry I was at myself because as a husband, your suppose to be there for your wife through anything.  I wasn't ready to just give up on my marriage, I had the mentality that there has to be a way to tell her and help her though it.  But after becoming knowledgeable and reading about BPD, I realized that there was nothing I could do and just accept the fact I had to move on and start focusing on myself.  It was a very hard pill to swallow and still to this day, I know I'm in a better place, but still care about her at the same time.  I really does pain me seeing her the way she is, but I have to keep reminding myself that I have to keep pushing forward and continue working on taking care of myself. 

I really does get better over time.  The pain is horrible at first, but I can promise that it does get better.  Keep pushing forward and moving on.

[mango_flower]

I'm in the exact same boat.  I don't want what she ended up to be.  I want the lies she sold me in the beginning.  No one else measures up to the facade she put on when we first started.  It's so hard to try to date after living through that.

This is EXACTLY it.  I love when I read things here that I can't put into words myself - it will all help me when I get my referral through for the therapist.

[healingmyheart]

Only 3 weeks out and yes, I'm feeling like I could never imagine being in another relationship.  This breakup has absolutely put my life on hold and I'm really struggling emotionally.  I'm mad at myself for taking his crap as long as I did.  I know I can't take him back and after the last contact, I know I can never, ever talk to that man again.  It's apparently my fault since I refuse to accept his apology.  His apology is "yes, I did it but, you're partially to blame".  I don't know about you but I don't think thats really an apology.  Seems everything is my fault.  We all deserve so much better and the fact we are on this board means we are trying to move forward and find answers. 

[sad but wiser]

Stole my soul, give yourself a break.  His behavior was his choice, it always was.  They would rather react to your reaction to their behavior than deal with the behavior itself.  Don't get lost in the layers.  The KISS principle is appropriate here.

[OTH]

I want the lies she sold me

There is a problem here that could use some exploring. Why is your ideal r/s based on lies?

[jj2121]

Yes I feel exactly like this and it was only a short relationship. I slept with someone else about a month after it and felt absolutely terrible.

[crashintome]

I want the lies she sold me

There is a problem here that could use some exploring. Why is your ideal r/s based on lies?

I guess that came out wrong.  I don't want those things to be lies.  I want all the things she promised me when this all first started:  love, marriage, a life together.  I want her to want all of those things.  I wish they weren't lies and they were her honest feelings.  Does that make sense?

[benny2]

I feel the same way. I tried dating but my heart was not into it. But why should we feel this way? They have no problem moving on. I think they have a way of damaging our souls and how do you recover from that.

[OTH]

Of course that makes sense. Me too although I don't look at my ex for that anymore. It took a long time to let go of that loss. That feeling that I had something special and that it could work out. I had to feel and suffer that loss before I could let that feeling of connection to her go.

I can understand this feeling too.

No one else measures up to the facade she put on when we first started

But I found this came from my own short commings. I liked having things feel so special when she idealized me. This was based on my own feelings of insecurity. My own unrealistic expectations. That isn't to say I don't want to meet somebody that feels special to me I've just changed the way I look at relationships now. I think it is a bit better to be able to argue and show differences and solve problems together. I had a bit more growing up to do in these areas.

[MovingOn311]

Only 3 weeks out and yes, I'm feeling like I could never imagine being in another relationship.  This breakup has absolutely put my life on hold and I'm really struggling emotionally.  I'm mad at myself for taking his crap as long as I did.  I know I can't take him back and after the last contact, I know I can never, ever talk to that man again.  It's apparently my fault since I refuse to accept his apology.  His apology is "yes, I did it but, you're partially to blame".  I don't know about you but I don't think thats really an apology.  Seems everything is my fault.  We all deserve so much better and the fact we are on this board means we are trying to move forward and find answers. 

I feel so much for you right now as I know exactly what your going through.  I had the same exact mind frame, never could imagine being with anyone else at the time.  I ended up taking a couple weeks out from work cause I couldn't take it.  The emotional pain I was suffering was horrendous, I was a mess. I actually broke down and cried in front of my mother which I never done before because of how much it hurt. 

My advice to you is to surround yourself with family and friends and talk to them.  If you don't have a therapists, maybe it would be a good time to find one to talk about your situation.  It helped me alot and really opened my eyes about the relationship. 

But stay strong and keep moving forward.  The pain will slowly ease up and you will look back and realize that it was for the best for both of you.  You will end up a stronger person than you were.   

[confusedandscared]

I can completely understand every here. Granted for me it has only been 4 weeks since my last contact and 6 weeks since I last was with her in any sort of intimate way, I just cannot imagine being with anyone else. The thought of anyone else touching me just sends chills through me.

I did have a date a couple of weeks ago now and I felt guilty that I did it, I felt guilty the very next day and I still feel guilty that I went on the date, I just can't bare the thought of anyone else touching me, kissing me and ultimately more than anything else getting to touch my soul the way my ex did, and she touched my soul in the most beautiful and horrible ways.

Right now I know I am not ready to date anyone, chatting yes that is fine, but actually being on a date or getting to know someone all over again I know I am not emotionally prepared for it. I just can't imagine myself being with someone again for a very long time.

[expos]

I feel the same way as a lot of other people here.  I know what a pain in the ass she was, but I choose to remember the good times.  I was literally so crazy about my ex-wife that I had sexual fantasies about her WHILE we were married!  Some people might laugh at that, but I adored the heck out of this girl and she couldn't even kiss me, hold my hand, hug me, or have sex with me mere three months after we were married.   It was REALLY BAD. 

At times, I still have fantasies about her and the intense sex we had in that first year of dating.   Even though I'm not ready to begin a new relationship, I really hope something comes along fast so I can erase these fantasies and develop new ones.