Making the decision to leave. But still feel undecided inside.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

In my mind I've decided to let go and move on. But my heart is screaming... "No don't do it." I have only 2 finical ties to my expwBPD. I only say ex because she said it's over. In my heart she is still my everything. 1 we signed a 10 month lease together that started in January 12th. I moved out Feb 22nd. 41 days I got to live in my dream apartment. I got the truth outta my pwBPD when I asked why would you sign a lease with me for this apartment? She replied that "It's what I wanted" She never referred to the apartment as ours. Just hers. I talked to the leasing office about getting my name off the lease and its gonna cost $95 to get my name off, then she would have to re apply on her own. She doesn't believe that she would be approved on her own so she refuses to sign.

The Cable is number 2. I had cable put in my name and after I moved out it was still within the 30 cancel period. I told her I was gonna cancel and she raged at me so I left it alone, I even called and got the bill reduced from $100 to $50. And I'm afraid that she won't take responsibility and pay the bill. There is a way that I can change "Who is responsible for the bill, (Transfer it into her name) but when I mentioned it to her she gets aggravated and doesn't wanna talk about it.

I'm starting to connect with some old friends and trying to get out of the house more. I know i have to take care of myself and do something constructive towards taking care of me. And still knowing all of that, I can't help but feel sorry for her. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel like I lost me. I have tons of anger, hate, fear, and guilt. Some days its like nothing ever happened and thought of her don't bother me. Then there are days where I can't even watch TV because I'll see a show she likes to watch, I'll watch the show and obsess about her and wish we were cuddling on the couch watching the show together.

I need this pain to end. I want to get back out there and try to substitute one love for another. But I don't think I can do that. I wasn't raised that way. I grew up around all women. I've only been involved with 2 women my entire life. my first was a high school sweet heart that crushed me, then this BPD relationship.

I'm so confused   and in so much pain  :'(... .  

The real sad thing is I cant even cry. I have cried in almost a year. I even tried watching a movie I knew I could cry to but can't. Sometimes I feel it about to happen and i actually get excited and then its gone.

[TheHopefulOne]

In my mind I've decided to let go and move on. But my heart is screaming... "No don't do it." I have only 2 finical ties to my expwBPD. I only say ex because she said it's over. In my heart she is still my everything. 1 we signed a 10 month lease together that started in January 12th. I moved out Feb 22nd. 41 days I got to live in my dream apartment. I got the truth outta my pwBPD when I asked why would you sign a lease with me for this apartment? She replied that "It's what I wanted" She never referred to the apartment as ours. Just hers. I talked to the leasing office about getting my name off the lease and its gonna cost $95 to get my name off, then she would have to re apply on her own. She doesn't believe that she would be approved on her own so she refuses to sign.

The Cable is number 2. I had cable put in my name and after I moved out it was still within the 30 cancel period. I told her I was gonna cancel and she raged at me so I left it alone, I even called and got the bill reduced from $100 to $50. And I'm afraid that she won't take responsibility and pay the bill. There is a way that I can change "Who is responsible for the bill, (Transfer it into her name) but when I mentioned it to her she gets aggravated and doesn't wanna talk about it.

I'm starting to connect with some old friends and trying to get out of the house more. I know i have to take care of myself and do something constructive towards taking care of me. And still knowing all of that, I can't help but feel sorry for her. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel like I lost me. I have tons of anger, hate, fear, and guilt. Some days its like nothing ever happened and thought of her don't bother me. Then there are days where I can't even watch TV because I'll see a show she likes to watch, I'll watch the show and obsess about her and wish we were cuddling on the couch watching the show together.

I need this pain to end. I want to get back out there and try to substitute one love for another. But I don't think I can do that. I wasn't raised that way. I grew up around all women. I've only been involved with 2 women my entire life. my first was a high school sweet heart that crushed me, then this BPD relationship.

I'm so confused   and in so much pain  :'(... .  

The real sad thing is I cant even cry. I have cried in almost a year. I even tried watching a movie I knew I could cry to but can't. Sometimes I feel it about to happen and i actually get excited and then its gone.

[fakename]

Take your time in grieving.

I would still flip flop after I made the decision to let go ad move on.

Then I started focusing on myself. And made sure I was making progress mentally and physically every day.

Find yourself, figure out what she made you into, and decide the type of person you want to be and how you want to live your life.

I know it hurts. But I think that there is more pain and more losing of yourself if you go back to such a dysfunctional relationship.

She was my first real relationship, I'm glad I stuck to moving on. All the effort I put into tending to her, I finally did for myself by staying committed to that decision and I improving myself.

[TheHopefulOne]

Thanks fakename for your inspirational words. That's my plan. I'm Hopeful

[marbleloser]

Get the cable out of your name and do what you can to get your name off of the lease.I think you'll feel better for doing it,and you'll be taking back some of your own power.As it is,she's still controlling you with FOG,and will continue to do so as long as it benefits her.

If you're truly wanting out,you'll need to do this,and she'll need to learn to take on her own responsability.

[TheHopefulOne]

Get the cable out of your name and do what you can to get your name off of the lease.I think you'll feel better for doing it,and you'll be taking back some of your own power.As it is,she's still controlling you with FOG,and will continue to do so as long as it benefits her.

If you're truly wanting out,you'll need to do this,and she'll need to learn to take on her own responsability.

I've tried everything I could think of, The lease is gonna affect her she would have to re apply on her own and she would not get approved, then she would have to ask her parents to co sign and she like to put on this front that she is independent. I already signed the paper. All she has to do is go to the leasing office and sign and my name will be gone.

The cable issue is that big of a deal. She just won't do it. I called and got a website that we both can sit down at and change it into her name. I emailed her the link and explained the process. She hasn't responded and I'm not pushing the issue. I'm trying to keep NC alive and well, and she has me in the Ice Age right now. I wish she would sign the lease paper and transfer the bill into her name and I would be ok to never see her again.