Mother of 17YO Daughter BPD Help

[Mom2Two86]

My 17yo daughter is diagnosed BPD.
I’m burnt out and I have this horrible guilt of not being enough for my child. I feel this overwhelming guilt for not being present in my other child’s life. I am one parent and I have absolutely no help with my daughter. My partner is having to constantly work to make ends meet while I am, what feels like, a prisoner confined to my home and my car. I feel guilty for not being able to work to help contribute to the family. I am ultimately becoming a shell of who I once was. It’s so taxing on my overall health, and it’s really traumatizing. We are being abused verbally and physically. She is getting more and more aggressive and it’s mostly towards me (because I am her main point of contact) Anything could trigger her at any moment. She locked me out of the house the other day and smiled and laughed at me. She pulled a massive picture frame off of the wall and attempted to hit me with it. These things happen unprovoked and only when my other child or partner is not present. My other child is showing signs of depression and anxiety, he told me he hides in his room and gets lost in gaming, using his headphones to escape her. I have no control over her, or over her illness. I have lost control of my own life. Each year I try to set realistic goals for myself as an individual including finishing college, getting in better shape, traveling and beginning my career. I want to feel good and proud of myself again. I thrive off working hard for what I want. But each year I attempt to do these things or anything for myself, I fail. I am unable to accomplish most of anything, besides showering, cooking for my family and cleaning. I am a robot. Each day she wakes up she gets louder and more aggressive. I feel so small next to her Illness. Our family has exhausted every single intensive outpatient program there is in the entire county. Multiple teams of clinicians and psychiatrists have come and gone. The Mental Health hospital stays only last a week, they will not keep her longer because she is under 18. She has dropped out of school and will not go into local public places due to her anxiety of people. She will not take medications she spits them out and she believes everyone should accept her for who she is. There is nobody left to help her. Each time we hear the same thing, “she has to want to get better.” “She has to do the work.” But she won’t, she admits she needs to get better, but she refuses to accept the help. She says “Your human help isn’t what I need.” She struggles with identity and refuses to allow anyone to take photos of her and or post them in frames in our home. She will not follow any house rules or respect boundaries. If she gets upset I tell her, “I am going to take space in another room” she then kicks a hole into our door and breaks glass frames everywhere. She says, “It’s the illness, people think I have a choice but I don’t, I have no coping skills and no control over my actions.” She doesn’t have many friends. She verbalizes that she  becomes possessive and obsessed with them and if they become friends with someone else she cuts them out forever. The suicidal manipulation has slowed down. I have educated myself to the fullest: read every bpd book, watched every video, listened to every podcast and lastly I enrolled in the Nami Connections Class. I also have a support group via zoom. But nothing helps. Nothing changes.
 I could really use a network or support team that can come take care of her during the day so I can breathe and I can shower and I can go for a walk or go to the store or go to work or school. This unfortunately does not exist. She isn’t eligible to stay in a residential treatment facility because her abusive bio father does not allow it. We have tried her staying with him and he lasted 24 hours and then hurt her and called us to pick her up. She will be 18 soon. I struggle with how can I possibly make the decision or have the energy to get her long term admitted after she turns 18. In the mean time I cannot continue to call the police and have her sent to the emergency room every week. There is a paper trail. I’ve researched and found that there is such thing as a long term teen treatment center, however they are all 5 hours away and they require you to pay out of pocket. The insurance doesn’t cover it which is horrible. She is talking over the phone to a DBT therapist weekly and a new school service is now coming in to assist but she threatens there life if they go into her room and see her. Her anxiety is so difficult it seems impossible for her to be around people. However, if it is a preferred activity out of town, far away from our city, she will go into stores and restaurants (it is still very hard and she has panic attacks) but I try to help her for exposure. Please be kind  with your comments. My heart is broken, my children are my world. I currently cannot work due to her behaviors so I am stuck at home with this alone. I pray and pray to god but nothing is changing. She will be 18 soon. She cannot work or drive she says. She is disabled by social security standards. I just need safety and peace in our home and I need to be Able to work and have my life back I cannot be her caregiver forever. My mental health cannot handle the physical and verbal abuse from her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Oh dear, my heart really goes out to you! It sounds like you have done a lot, perhaps there is something to be grasped from trauma healing to try and figure out how to relate to her.
I’m sorry I can’t suggest anything, but I am in the process of going overseas to help hurting and traumatized kids. I am taking a class soon in Arts & Trauma Healing (masters-level at a university for missionaries). This class will not make me any type of counselor, but will give me insight into how to relate to someone who has been through recent trauma using some local arts (even music & dance) to help the kids heal.

This is not necessarily anything you have done, that is one of your first things to realize, no matter the circumstances, DO NOT blame yourself, even when she says hurtful things to try and make you feel guilty.

As humans, we always make wrong decisions, unfortunately this is just a part of human nature, I can hear and feel how much you care, and how hard you have tried. You are a wonderful, caring person!

So, dear Mom2two86, take heart and look into ideas to relate to someone who has experienced trauma, and see if you can reach her.

You and your poor child will be in my prayers. I truly wish you the best.

OurWorld

[Mom2Two86]

Ourworld,

Thank you so very much for all of your kind words. I will definitely do some research, this is a different idea and approach and I will definitely look into this. Thank You again, you have no idea how your kind words mean to me.

[murmom]

Momof286, have you called the police on your daughter? You say you are being physically and mentally abused by your daughter. You are not safe in your own home, which is unacceptable.

My BPD daughter had a lot of the same behaviors when she was a teen and I had to call the police on her. Of course she was arrested and it was very upsetting and unpleasant,  but she get into the system and was ordered into treatment.  Calling the police on this unacceptable behavior also showed my daughter there was a boundary not to cross. She is 26 and still has issues (does not live with me), but has stopped that type of behavior.

[Mom2Two86]

Murmom:
We definitely do. Each time it is devastating, as I am sure you know. Each time this happens she is sent to our local ER, they then hold her for 48 hours and then transfer her out of the city to the closest Mental Health Facility for people her age. She stays there anywhere from 3 days to 2 weeks. They always release her and send her home. And then the cycle continues. We are on the verge of loosing our rental home due to the amount of police visits. I have read and researched parents whom have said to tell the hospital “I will not accept my child home” and they I guess are left to figure it out and place the adolescent in a residential treatment facility. However, due to our specific circumstances… her bio father would be contacted and she would be sent there before residential and he would temporarily accept. But each time he does this he ends up assaulting her himself. This is a big reason she struggles with bpd. I feel this immense guilt as a mother feeling like I have this decision to choose to be abused or send her there knowing she will be abused. We have worked with every single agency in the county including cps. Cps refuses to do anything. We do now have a new and last chance program who has come into our home with the school district. They are called rap around services. They offer in home intensive help all week. We did just get started but I’m not super hopeful because she locks herself in her room and threatens to hurt anyone of them who try to come in. She does however communicate through the door to them. She currently has this 247 support service and weekly DBT sessions. But her aggression and physical assault is increasing.  Thank you for responding to my post I cannot tell you how much I appreciate anyone willing to offer any words of advice or support or ideas. Thank you

[Sancho]

Hi Mum2Two86
Just want to add my voice of concern for your situation. It is truly an impossible situation. I have to say I too have holes in the walls and am bombarded with verbal abuse, blame and threats. I was assaulted twice by dd when she was younger - it has mainly been awful threats.

Times for me were particularly bad when dd came home from an abusive relationship and was coming off ice addiction. The mornings were/are the worst times. Personally I think there is something that happens in the brain as it wakes - perhaps there is a struggle between what is real and what is not, or is it that if they wake during the REM cycle they are particularly aggressive? I don't know the answer. I just know that the mornings are bad until about 11am.

You have absolutely done everything you possibly can and you DD is putting up a brick wall with every attempt you make. I hope what is happening now helps in some way - even though it is through the door.

Does DD have co-morbidities diagnosed eg anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder or anything like that? These things compound this situation significantly.

I have been thinking about how I have survived these past many - seems like a lifetime - years. I think there are two things that helped. The first was to JADE - though when I first started I didn't know this - I just decided not to engage verbally when DD was exploding.

I told her in a moment when she was not raging that I would not respond when she was in a rage because it clearly made things worse and she needed time for the emotions to settle. I stuck to this and it really really helped.

I never left the room. That would be a real trigger. In the early stages I actually left the house once when she was raging and realised it was not helpful. I stay there and I MIGHT say an affirming short statement eg if my dd hit her toe on something she would/does fly off in a tirade I might just say something like 'It's really painful when that happens'.

I try not to have my mind focused on DD. I know this sounds ridiculous but I think my dd feels a pressure from my anxiety about her. She is 'tuned in' to my anxiety and wanting to 'fix it' and even if I am saying nothing, she is feels under pressure.

So I stepped back and 'let go' of my expectations of anything. Like the last line of the Nelson Mandela poem 'To let go is to fear less and to love more'.

In order to put my mind somewhere else, I focused on things in the house - some renovations, even just thinking about them was a help - I notice you are in a rental so that wouldn't work for you but perhaps something in the garden? I also found an interest online and this is amazing. When I wake up feeling terrible, anxious and in despair as I do some days, I think about this online interest (it's looking at court cases and reading up on coroners court findings - I have an interest in legal matters).

I also come here often, because here is where I know I am not alone in the world with a terrible situation that others - friends etc - just can't understand.

Start slowly to set aside regular times - 5 minutes would be a start - where you are focused on something other than the situation. You have done all you can - and more. You know what to do if the physical violence keeps happening.

I realise all I have said probably is not that helpful because everyone's situation is so different. But you are not alone . . .

[Mom2Two86]

Sancho,
Thank you for all of your ideas and kind words! I cannot tell you how much I appreciate them. I am sorry that you have experienced child to parent abuse. It is the worst. I remember calling a abuse hotline just to talk to someone and they asked me who was involved and I said it was my daughter and she said, “I’m sorry, this domestic violence line is only for partner or elderly abuse.” I said, “ is there a different line for me to call?” She said NO. It’s as if it doesn’t “count” as abuse since the person is under 18.

[Mom2Two86]

Oh man I wrote an entire post responding and it didn’t post what I wrote!

[Pook075]

Hey Mom and welcome to the forums.  Like many others here, I lived your nightmare; the constant stress and fear almost killed me.  I had a heart attack at 42 in my sleep...which is when the body is the most relaxed.  But for me, the terror and abuse continued throughout the night as my mind tried to process a way to escape the never-ending cycle.

As the professionals have told you, it's your daughter's choice whether or not to put in the work.  Nobody can force her and that's where you're stuck; you're thinking that there must be something you can do that would fix all of this.  There's not.  This is 100% on your daughter.

Believe it or not though, that's good news for you.  Stop trying to fix her.  Stop arguing with her.  Stop giving into her wants and needs.  If she wants to be abusive, fine.  She can leave your home at 18 and do whatever she wants on her own.  Make that well known, that you won't accept any form of abuse any longer and that she'll be leaving shortly.

Now, that probably sounds like terrible advice because your kid will rage.  Good, let her rage and call the police....again.  Let her go through the process (which she hates) and when they release her a week or two later, drive her straight back at the first sign of abusive behavior.  You must play the game with your state because it's all you have.

We threw our kid out at 18 and she made some horrible choices on her own.  I won't get into that but she paid the price for living wild and free.  She begged to return at 19 and we made it very easy for her- there's just a few rules to live under our roof.  Treat others well, clean up after yourself, help around the house.  That's it.  She came home and a month later, we kicked her out again.

Maybe it sounds like I'm a monster, but remember that I almost died from the constant abuse and the doctors told us to stop walking on eggshells- she must learn right from wrong.  That's the biggest thing with BPD, the boundaries get lost and entitlement drives bad behavior.  That's your main job as a parent, teaching what's okay and what's not in society.  You don't accept the abuse though and dial 9-1-1 every single time.  Unfortunately, that's how you get the point across in extreme circumstances.

At 23, my daughter finally crashed and realized that she couldn't live that way anymore.  She took therapy seriously and was able to see that she was a terror to her parents and sabotaged every relationship she's ever had.  Changes came quickly with her putting in efforts and now at 25, she's in a healthy relationship with a full time job and paying her own bills.

You must hear me though- the only reason she's where she's at today is because we stopped accepting abuse and forced her to choose her own path in life.  If she wanted to love me, she was welcome here.  If she wanted to lash out and abuse me, she had to leave.  That had to be crystal clear in her mind and it took unbelievable efforts to drive that home, but she finally got the message.

I've been where you're at and it was the worst moments of my life.  You must fight back using the legal system, and while she's away you must take that time to focus on yourself.  My wife and I finally got into a routine of every time the kid was committed, we went to the beach for the week to relax and recover...and those breaks allowed us to be better prepared for when she returned home.  That may sound selfish but it was putting our mental health first, something we all need to do in BPD relationships.

Just know that none of this is your fault!  You must stop accepting blame and carrying this burden.

[Mom2Two86]

Pook,
Thank you so much for your post. It is validating to hear I am not the only one. And your story gave me hope. And you are right in everything you said.

[Pook075]

Pook,
Thank you so much for your post. It is validating to hear I am not the only one. And your story gave me hope. And you are right in everything you said.

I'm glad it helped.  Please don't be afraid to ask tough questions here- you'll get a variety of viewpoints all based on the same types of experiences.  Talking this out is a tremendous help, so feel free to rant or whatever relieves some of the stress.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

Boy you've had it rough.  If your daughter hasn't responded to multiple hospital stays, life must seem hopeless to both you and her.

My stepdaughter is diagnosed with BPD, and she also had multiple hospital stays.  At first, she wasn't interested in getting better.  She had to hit bottom first, before the therapy started to work.

At times, my husband thought that his daughter was "disabled" by her BPD.  However, often I felt that she wasn't disabled, but rather, enabled.  By "enabled," I mean that she was allowed to wallow in her illness without effective treatment for far too long.
For years my stepdaughter avoided life; she was holed up in her room.  Does this sound familiar:  sleeping the day away.  Spending all night with screens (phone and TV).  Not sharing meals with the family.  Not being able to work or study; not in school and not working or volunteering.  Losing all friends, and yet tracking them constantly on the phone.  Feeling alienated.  Feeling worthless.  Consuming pot.  Wasting away in bed.  Lashing out at family, blaming them for all her poor choices.  Feeling morose and angry.  Acting passive-aggressively.  Being a total slob.  Not helping with chores.  She could pull herself together for something fun she wanted to do (like a trip), but then the trip would go badly, and she'd retreat to her room again.  When she wasn't avoiding us, she was shouting and hurling out-of-control hatred our way.  It got to the point that suicidal threats and gestures were like a nuclear arms race--when she didn't get what she wanted, she'd threaten or attempt suicide.

Since I'm a stepmom that didn't raise her, perhaps I feel less guilt.  There were hundreds of times that I wanted to turn off internet/wifi at night, so that she'd at least get some sleep and operate according to a normal schedule.  (But I wasn't her mom, and her dad didn't enforce any rules.)  If staying in her room weren't so entertaining, maybe she'd have no other choice than to read or study, or interact with family, or maybe get out and take a walk.  But by having her phone glued to her hand, I think she enjoyed staying alone in her room too much.  Or at least she enjoyed it enough that she didn't do anything else, to her peril.

If I were her mom, I'd start with some rules.  Number one would probably be, if you want a Smartphone, you have to pay for it.  And number two would be, no marijuana or illicit drugs in the house, ever.  And Pook's rules seem obvious but are necessary:  people have to be civil, be neat and contribute to the household (i.e. chores).

I agree that you can't fix your daughter; she has to want to do that for herself.  But I'd ask you to ask yourself, are you perpetuating a bad situation by making it too comfortable for your daughter to avoid treatment, schooling, chores and civil relationships?

Look, in my stepdaughter's bizarre world, her poor behaviors conferred substantial benefits!  Her consequences were often the opposite of what they should have been.  Try to commit suicide = move back home with no responsibilities.  Shout and cry = upgraded lifestyle (new room, new lease, new car, unlimited debit card, etc.).  The worse the behavior, the better her standard of living.  That's what I mean by enabling.

I wish you peace and fortitude to face your situation.  BPD is not easy.  But it is treatable with therapy.  I think that's reason for some hope, even if the path to recovery isn't easy or steady.

[Pook075]

At first, she wasn't interested in getting better.  She had to hit bottom first, before the therapy started to work.

It was the exact same thing in my situation; as long as their comfortable and not forced to deal with the real world, there's no reason to actually try to change.

Think about it- if something's your fault, why would I change?  That's her viewpoint and it's where all the chaos comes from- the righteous anger, etc.  That only goes away once they realize that they bare some (aka, all) of the blame.

[Sancho]

Hi Mum2Two86
Just been reading over your post again. Such a difficult 'trapped' situation - quite similar here!

You mentioned DD will go to shops etc - still panic attacks etc - in places that are a fair way from where you live. I am wondering if you would mind a bit more detail on this because I am in a similar situation with GD. For me now it's DD with BPD and GD with signs of lots of things!

My gd is 14 and has hardly been at school for the past 2 years. She currently is highly anxious - in fact I think she is slightly paranoid about going anywhere. She is totally focused on people looking at her etc

The thing is we live in a place with a relatively small population so everywhere you go there is the possibility of running into someone she knows. I have wondered whether this is a factor and I am wondering if moving would be helpful - can't do this straight away but considering it for the future.

On the one hand this place is familiar, people around that she knows. On the other hand she is hyper - alert when we do go out, and avoids it whenever possible.

My gd tested high for ADHD, anxiety and depression; refuses to see doctor, dentist or will agree to one day, I make appt then she backs out at the last minute. Tries to go to school but either backs out or asks to leave early. She has panic attacks - sweaty, dizzy etc frequently. Refuses meds (but I am putting some homeopathics in her water bottle, so there is at least something being tried).

Was your dd bullied at school or anything make her distressed there?

Since I have backed off from trying to help her my gd is more relaxed I feel. But I am wondering what part the environment plays in the development of especially paranoid symptoms in those who are vulnerable to other conditions such as anxiety and depression.

If you have a chance to pen your thoughts I would be grateful. Thinking of you . . .

[Sancho]

Ps
I have had it happen to me too - writing heaps and it not posting. These days I copy as I go so that if it doesn't post I can just paste!

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
 I agree with everything written here.  I, too, had to have my adult son removed from my home with emergency  Psych eval and then a restraining order when he got violent with me.  He has since become estranged when he tried to ask me  for drug $ after the restraining order was over.  

Your daughter is a minor, so , yes, call the police - as often as you need to .  I've done that also. It seems like the police were helping me raise my son at one point when he was a teen.  There was a period of time where he had to be hospitalized in a therapeutic hospital. Hopefully your daughter's case won't be as severe, but you must do what you have to do to keep you and her safe.

[Mom2Two86]

CC43 Response: Wow! Thank You for your response! This sounds exactly like my daughter minus the Marijuana use. I can imagine my partner feels how you feel. I am definitely definitely on the no bs / non enabling side. This is why I believe things get very heated in our home with her at times. I know I may be judged by this but whatever.. I do use her cell phone as a way to get her to go to school each week. Right now she only goes once a week to turn in her assignments. She refuses to wake up and get ready and go. So I shut her service off and tell her, “as soon as you walk into the school and turn your assignments in I will turn your service on” this makes things get ugly but it works. Something you wrote hit me hard. You said: Disabled. She definitely uses this word. “I am disabled and I will always be this way” she uses it as an end all. Like I better learn to accept she will never work or get her license and it’s my job to be her caregiver for life. I do not give into this. I realize she IS legally disabled by the state however… while taking my bpd course through NAMI, every single one of these family members were working or in college or driving.. I have to tell myself IT IS POSSIBLE for her to do these things, it won’t be as easy as it is for people her age, however she is capable is she applies herself. Her anxiety is so bad right now she has a hard time making it from the car to the front door because the neighbors are out front. I am up against encouraging her to be independent and attempt to teach her life skills because I will not be around forever to care for her. But she doesn’t want to hear about it. She says she is just fine living in her brain and her delusion’s because It’s just too hard with her anxiety and body dysmorphia. Thank you for all of the suggestions!

[Mom2Two86]

NEW QUESTION:
Does anyone know anything about “I was not born into the right body”? She identifies as female and straight she says. It isn’t a gender identity thing it’s her identity within her body. She hates the way she looks and wants surgery and she says she CANNOT AND WILL NOT  live her life in society because of the WRONG body she was born into . I do not have the money to pay for plastic surgery or whatever she wants and I realize it isn’t my responsibility. I just wonder if anyone has anything to say about the Identity Issues with BPD

[Mom2Two86]

SANCHO:
YES!!! Everything you have written is exactly what we are dealing with right now.
She has not attended school in years and is not on track for graduation. The IEP team place her on “home and hospital “ I would suggest looking into this. I do believe some children DO better at home if this is something the parents can afford and are willing to do. Some children do better at school with being home. However, this made things worse for my daughter. She did not participate in the assignments when the teacher would arrive. She would require strange things like “the teacher cannot look at me and the lights in the house must be off “ the poor teacher couldn’t see crap

[Mom2Two86]

SANCHO:
YES!!! Everything you have written is exactly what we are dealing with right now.
She has not attended school in years and is not on track for graduation. The IEP team place her on “home and hospital “ I would suggest looking into this. I do believe some children DO better at home if this is something the parents can afford and are willing to do. Some children do better at school with being home. However, this made things worse for my daughter. She did not participate in the assignments when the teacher would arrive. She would require strange things like “the teacher cannot look at me and the lights in the house must be off “ the poor teacher couldn’t see crap

[Mom2Two86]

Sanch0: (last end of post)
My daughter is afraid of running into peers. That is why she will not go locally to places. However when we go out of town, she still struggles with anxiety and panic attacks but she will go into places and enjoy doing it. However this is not something I can do all the time. She wants me to drive her all over in the car but she never gets out locally during the week. The sun hurts her she says. She has a lot of sensory issues and we are currently having her asd tested to rule this out. One thing clinicians have asked me is, “has she ever been bullied by local school peers or have there been nude photos etc?” Those do not apply to my daughter. It is more “I hate my body and wasn’t supposed to be born looking like this.” I am biased because she is my child but she is beautiful she could probably model if she wanted to. However she HATES everything about herself and so what I’m getting at is… if her local peers see her in a store or something then they would see a body that “is not hers” as she says. I don’t know the whole thing has me baffled. She has very big Identity issues. Her friends want so badly to hang out with her but she only talks and texts with them. She will not allow them near her. She has lost many friends due to the relationship issues that come along wth BPD. She tells me she becomes OBSESSED with the friend and if the friend wants to have another friend she cannot handle that so she CUTS them off.
Another suggestion is looking into a NPS school. Non public smaller therapeutic school for kids like her. This is they type of school my daughter is now assigned to. There are like 5 kids in her class (she doesn’t go ) but we are transitioning her. She elopes off campus often. But she may like the idea of attending a new school or smaller school with kids like her. Hope that helps.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mom2Two86]

Hi,
 I agree with everything written here.  I, too, had to have my adult son removed from my home with emergency  Psych eval and then a restraining order when he got violent with me.  He has since become estranged when he tried to ask me  for drug $ after the restraining order was over.  

Your daughter is a minor, so , yes, call the police - as often as you need to .  I've done that also. It seems like the police were helping me raise my son at one point when he was a teen.  There was a period of time where he had to be hospitalized in a therapeutic hospital. Hopefully your daughter's case won't be as severe, but you must do what you have to do to keep you and her safe.


Swimmy:
Thank You for your response. I can only imagine the pain this caused for you and your family. I hope that one day he will see maybe through therapy the damage he caused. One thing that really eats away at me is why? Why do they self sabotage and sabotage the relationships with the people who love them the most? The ones closest to them are the targets because they feel most comfortable with. I believe they hurt us because they are hurting. Hurt people Hurt People. ONE BIG THING I LEARNED IS YOU CANNOT LOVE THEM OUT OF THIS. Love isn’t enough to “fix” this. THEY have to be the ones to do the work within themselves. But HOW do you force them to do that? You can’t … I want to say.. I RESPECT you and your decision you made, because this is the decision I fear the most.. is letting go and allowing her to feel the “natural consequence” of her choice to abuse. My 17 yo often says “I cannot control my abuse” she says “It’s the illness the illness makes me do it” I have read that abuse is a choice and although Mental illness can exasperate abusive behavior, it is still a choice and I tell her I have rights HUMANS have a right to NOT be abused!” 

[Pook075]

NEW QUESTION:
Does anyone know anything about “I was not born into the right body”? She identifies as female and straight she says. It isn’t a gender identity thing it’s her identity within her body. She hates the way she looks and wants surgery and she says she CANNOT AND WILL NOT  live her life in society because of the WRONG body she was born into . I do not have the money to pay for plastic surgery or whatever she wants and I realize it isn’t my responsibility. I just wonder if anyone has anything to say about the Identity Issues with BPD

There's a definite link between the mental health community and the trans community.  For my BPD daughter (who identifies as a man), she believes that a sex change will stabilize her mental health and make things better overall, to make her feel complete.  She was introduced to this line of LBGT thinking in mental health facilities.

I would point to stats like the trans community is 7.7 times more likely to attempt suicide, or that 44% experience suicidal ideation.  The media and Hollywood do not touch on these topics.

Personally, I do not believe that God gets anything wrong, including making people be born into the wrong bodies.  I'll stop there though because I do not want to offend anyone with different viewpoints.

[Mom2Two86]

There's a definite link between the mental health community and the trans community.  For my BPD daughter (who identifies as a man), she believes that a sex change will stabilize her mental health and make things better overall, to make her feel complete.  She was introduced to this line of LBGT thinking in mental health facilities.

I would point to stats like the trans community is 7.7 times more likely to attempt suicide, or that 44% experience suicidal ideation.  The media and Hollywood do not touch on these topics.

Personally, I do not believe that God gets anything wrong, including making people be born into the wrong bodies.  I'll stop there though because I do not want to offend anyone with different viewpoints.

Pook:
I appreciate your input, I am Christian.It is not my place to judge her sexuality and that is why we have always been a VERY OPEN family or identity. We have many open conversations about this. I believe this specific identity struggle is related to body image. She wants a different looking body and if she can’t have it then she will live her life in hiding forever she says. She refuses to get her license due to the photo needing to be taken she says it won’t be her face and fyi she covers her face. My daughter has worn a mask since Covid and it never came off. She hides behind the mask. She removes it at home but not around any other people. She calls this being “physically disabled “ she says she is both physically and mentally disabled. I explain to her what being physically disabled means. She believes her body is physically disabling her from living her life.

[Pook075]

Pook:
I appreciate your input, I am Christian.It is not my place to judge her sexuality and that is why we have always been a VERY OPEN family or identity. We have many open conversations about this. I believe this specific identity struggle is related to body image. She wants a different looking body and if she can’t have it then she will live her life in hiding forever she says. She refuses to get her license due to the photo needing to be taken she says it won’t be her face and fyi she covers her face. My daughter has worn a mask since Covid and it never came off. She hides behind the mask. She removes it at home but not around any other people. She calls this being “physically disabled “ she says she is both physically and mentally disabled. I explain to her what being physically disabled means. She believes her body is physically disabling her from living her life.

That's really sad- I can't imagine feeling that way.  Low self esteem is very common in the BPD community and it's something I struggle to relate to.  I'm overweight and not a great looking guy, but I've always been confident being me.  I mean, who else could I be, LOL?

Has your daughter dated at all?  And do you/family tell her she's beautiful?  She needs to verbally hear that in order to actually feel it.  Beauty comes from the inside and God made her perfect.  As a Christian, that would be my angle.

Then again, you shouldn't be too critical against plastic surgery either, because that could come off as invalidating.  With my BPD kid (who's 25), I tell her that I'm against it but I'll love her and accept her no matter what.  I always drive that home, even when she makes very dumb mistakes.  I'll call her on it but then affirm that I love her and I'm always here.

[CC43]

Mom,

The situation with my stepdaughter has many parallels.  My stepdaughter is a beautiful girl and has model-like proportions.  In fact she has dabbled in modelling.  But she hates certain aspects of her looks.  She occasionally has mild acne, which distresses her.  And her nose is larger than average, but it's not crooked or anything.  She is obsessed with these minor "flaws," and I think they are a source of discontent and depression for her.  She wanted a career in modelling, but she just doesn't have an it-girl look, and her personality is too negative and avoidant to excel.  I think that the black-and-white thinking characteristic of BPD feeds her totally unrealistic expectations for her physical looks, as well as her delusion around her one-in-ten million chance of a short career in modelling.  In sum, her self-perception and preoccupation with her physique are highly distorted in my opinion.  (As an aside, one of her therapists labeled her as narcissistic; and my stepdaughter disagreed vehemently.)

I also think that someone with BPD has an overly "black" view of the world.  My stepdaughter is very critical and demanding of others, and this trait often turns inward regarding her looks.  Here's a typical scenario:  people tell her she's beautiful.  She feels attractive and the center of attention.  Then she goes to a model casting.  She doesn't get selected.  Instead of enjoying the experience (dress, makeup, travel, photos) and the chance to be with other like-minded girls, she feels rejected.  Lied to.
Ugly.  Worthless.  That her career is destroyed.  She's utterly hopeless.  Then she lashes out at family, at the smallest provocation, and she'll have a nuclear meltdown over some perceived slight, or she'll dredge up an ancient argument.  The "rejection" from the modelling experience "primed" her for a meltdown.  Then total isolation and withdrawal, talk of suicide, or a suicide attempt, would ensue.

So yes, discontentment with physical looks, combined with distorted/disorganized BPD thinking, is a recurrent theme.  I think the main issue is that dysregulated emotions triggered by ordinary circumstances (e.g. a compliment, rejection) feed her disordered and delusional thinking.  All logic and self-compassion are thrown out the window.  And then she would retreat to her room to look at her phone for months on end.  That was not a healthy way to cope, or to spend her life.  And the smartphone certainly does NOT encourage healthy attitudes about girls' bodies; on the contrary, I think it destroys girls' self-image.  ESPECIALLY for someone with BPD, where the sense of self is tenuous and unstable.  So I wanted to take away that phone, which made my stepdaughter's hiatus from the real world too comfortable, on top of feeding her unhealthy obsession with looks.  If I were her mom, I would have insisted that she pay for the smartphone--and then she'd have to choose between rejoining the world and working, and maybe getting some therapy to overcome the negative-thinking loop, or lying in her bedroom with no electronic entertainment.

[Mom2Two86]

That's really sad- I can't imagine feeling that way.  Low self esteem is very common in the BPD community and it's something I struggle to relate to.  I'm overweight and not a great looking guy, but I've always been confident being me.  I mean, who else could I be, LOL?

Has your daughter dated at all?  And do you/family tell her she's beautiful?  She needs to verbally hear that in order to actually feel it.  Beauty comes from the inside and God made her perfect.  As a Christian, that would be my angle.

Then again, you shouldn't be too critical against plastic surgery either, because that could come off as invalidating.  With my BPD kid (who's 25), I tell her that I'm against it but I'll love her and accept her no matter what.  I always drive that home, even when she makes very dumb mistakes.  I'll call her on it but then affirm that I love her and I'm always here.

Thank you for responding!
She has dated, she said not in the way normal humans date. She said she dated them because she was masking and doing what she thought most people did. She has not dated in years. She said she never took her mask off. Interesting.
We promote positive self talk and I tell her she is beautiful and lucky etc. She gets SO ANGRY! THis is in fact a trigger for her she says. She will immediately yell and tell me off for compliments or positive talk. Even if it’s a compliment on her doing something appropriate or helping out in some way. She BITES my head off! I would also like to add she wants nothing to do with god or church . If I play Christian music she will yell and become aggressive and yell profanity and horrible things about god . She says she is different than humans. She says she cannot possibly be a human because she is nothing like them..?? I ask her what do you think you are ? And she gets angry with no response.
To show I am supporting her I actually assisted in finding a surgeon and physically drove her 2 hours away for the appointment to be looked at. I wanted to do this (not because she or I could afford surgery) but to show her as her mother I support her and validate her feelings. We went into the appointment and she had the full experience. I believe she appreciated that I did that. She does blame me for not being able to afford to pay for her plastic surgery. She fully blames me.

[Mom2Two86]

So yes, discontentment with physical looks, combined with distorted/disorganized BPD thinking, is a recurrent theme.  I think the main issue is that dysregulated emotions triggered by ordinary circumstances (e.g. a compliment, rejection) feed her disordered and delusional thinking.  All logic and self-compassion are thrown out the window.  And then she would retreat to her room to look at her phone for months on end.  That was not a healthy way to cope, or to spend her life.  And the smartphone certainly does NOT encourage healthy attitudes

Wow thank you for sharing! I like what you wrote this makes sense.