Traumatic experience and reflection

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Today I had one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. As I mopped around the corporate condo, mulling over my uBPDh I got a phone call from my mother who is back, at my house. For the first few seconds I could not understand what she was saying from all the crying and sobbing. It took another minute for my brain to grasp that my tiny little designer dog went missing. I got him as an “I’m sorry” from my uBPDh after one of his cocaine binges six years ago. He is fabulous. He is also kind, gentle, loyal and exceptionally clever fella. I love him very deeply. For those of you have have pets, I’m sure that the feeling extends to looking at them as a family member. He is the littlest family member. I tried bringing him to “work” with us, but it isn’t a good environment for the kids, or a dog alike. When I’m away, he is being cared for by my parents. Almost the same way my kids are. Today, someone dropped the ball. He snuck out of the house during an early commute to school. When my mother called that she can’t find him, I felt the wind being Knocked off of me. I started calling all the animal shelters, animal control and affiliated agencies. My mother called uBPDh and asked him to check for camera recordings. He sent her several videos, one of the dog howling and barking, asking to get back in. The other of a male, with another dog beside our house being friendly with him. I called my uBPDh crying begging him to come back, so we can drive back home and look for our littlest baby. Being just 4 pounds, he is an easy pray for raccoons, coyotes and other wild animals, let alone thirst, hunger and cars. In return, I was told that he wasn’t coming home and “f off” in short. True to his word, he didn’t come back. Hi partner, who is back at our “home city” came as soon as he heard, he drove around for hours while I was on the phone with the police. I gave them description of the man, and arranged for an officer to come and take my mother’s statement for possible abduction, as many hours of scouting proved to be fruitless. I first booked the train home, but as the day progressed I felt that there wasn’t any time to waste, cancelled the train and rebooked a flight. My friends who called to check in on me were driving around neighbor hood calling him, my other friend was helping d15 create the missing posters. Just before I left the house to go to the airport I called my uBPDh asking him one last time to come and help me find this most vulnerable member of our family. He replied:” if it wasn’t the guy on the camera recording, he is gone, F off” and hung up. I took the cab to the airport, I don’t really remember how I got there. All I remember was running at the terminal to make it in time. I threw in my luggage and shakingly tried to come up with a plan of all animal shelters and places to look for him. I was cussing under my breath for not putting the micro chip in him, because when it comes to “unnecessary” spendings uBPDh doesn’t give any money. I should have saved on food, but protected my 4.5 pounds companion. As I made it to the gate, with people ringing off my phone asking what more they can help, I received a call from home. As my father was driving to work to print off the posters, a woman was walking with my dog and flyers at hand to post that her husband had found the wondering dog. I felt as if I crush landed. Relieve, sadness, happiness, gratitude, belief in higher power came crushing down. People at the airlines were kind enough to refund me the ticket, I walked to the gate, picked up my luggage and took the cab back to the condo.
There aren’t any coincidences, universe doesn’t make mistakes. I learnt a priceless lesson, that the only things that truly matter, are people and animals that you love. I had many people supporting me, and willing to do what it takes to look for my little guy. I learnt that my uBPDh is too ill to care for anyone. Even for a pet that he genuinely loves, he is more of his dog. Our dog always takes his dirty socks, and walks around with them, he sleeps in uBPDh’s feet, he enthusiastically runs to greet him, he always wants to play with uBPDh, he is loyal companion, always there. Much like myself. Even though all of it stands true, my uBPDh is too ill to care for anyone other then himself.
So the lesson I learnt is that I am not alone. I have people who care for me, and in some capacity they will try to support me. I learnt that I can be effective and make a decision when I needed to. I didn’t think twice about coming back home. I knew what I was going to do once I arrive. I learnt that it is devastating to loose someone you love. At that point you don’t care for anything, you just want them safely home. I learnt that I can’t rely on my uBPDh during my darkest hour. I learnt that if it’s yours, it finds the way back home. I praised the almighty for teaching me this heartbreaking lesson. I’m coming back home on Friday as scheduled. I will let things take it’s natural course. I won’t add on more misery, as my uBPDh is already in hell of his own. I have two children and an amazing dog who are waiting for me to return. I have friends and perspective career to look forward to. I’m loveable loving and loved.

[snowglobe]

Today I had one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. As I mopped around the corporate condo, mulling over my uBPDh I got a phone call from my mother who is back, at my house. For the first few seconds I could not understand what she was saying from all the crying and sobbing. It took another minute for my brain to grasp that my tiny little designer dog went missing. I got him as an “I’m sorry” from my uBPDh after one of his cocaine binges six years ago. He is fabulous. He is also kind, gentle, loyal and exceptionally clever fella. I love him very deeply. For those of you have have pets, I’m sure that the feeling extends to looking at them as a family member. He is the littlest family member. I tried bringing him to “work” with us, but it isn’t a good environment for the kids, or a dog alike. When I’m away, he is being cared for by my parents. Almost the same way my kids are. Today, someone dropped the ball. He snuck out of the house during an early commute to school. When my mother called that she can’t find him, I felt the wind being Knocked off of me. I started calling all the animal shelters, animal control and affiliated agencies. My mother called uBPDh and asked him to check for camera recordings. He sent her several videos, one of the dog howling and barking, asking to get back in. The other of a male, with another dog beside our house being friendly with him. I called my uBPDh crying begging him to come back, so we can drive back home and look for our littlest baby. Being just 4 pounds, he is an easy pray for raccoons, coyotes and other wild animals, let alone thirst, hunger and cars. In return, I was told that he wasn’t coming home and “f off” in short. True to his word, he didn’t come back. Hi partner, who is back at our “home city” came as soon as he heard, he drove around for hours while I was on the phone with the police. I gave them description of the man, and arranged for an officer to come and take my mother’s statement for possible abduction, as many hours of scouting proved to be fruitless. I first booked the train home, but as the day progressed I felt that there wasn’t any time to waste, cancelled the train and rebooked a flight. My friends who called to check in on me were driving around neighbor hood calling him, my other friend was helping d15 create the missing posters. Just before I left the house to go to the airport I called my uBPDh asking him one last time to come and help me find this most vulnerable member of our family. He replied:” if it wasn’t the guy on the camera recording, he is gone, F off” and hung up. I took the cab to the airport, I don’t really remember how I got there. All I remember was running at the terminal to make it in time. I threw in my luggage and shakingly tried to come up with a plan of all animal shelters and places to look for him. I was cussing under my breath for not putting the micro chip in him, because when it comes to “unnecessary” spendings uBPDh doesn’t give any money. I should have saved on food, but protected my 4.5 pounds companion. As I made it to the gate, with people ringing off my phone asking what more they can help, I received a call from home. As my father was driving to work to print off the posters, a woman was walking with my dog and flyers at hand to post that her husband had found the wondering dog. I felt as if I crush landed. Relieve, sadness, happiness, gratitude, belief in higher power came crushing down. People at the airlines were kind enough to refund me the ticket, I walked to the gate, picked up my luggage and took the cab back to the condo.
There aren’t any coincidences, universe doesn’t make mistakes. I learnt a priceless lesson, that the only things that truly matter, are people and animals that you love. I had many people supporting me, and willing to do what it takes to look for my little guy. I learnt that my uBPDh is too ill to care for anyone. Even for a pet that he genuinely loves, he is more of his dog. Our dog always takes his dirty socks, and walks around with them, he sleeps in uBPDh’s feet, he enthusiastically runs to greet him, he always wants to play with uBPDh, he is loyal companion, always there. Much like myself. Even though all of it stands true, my uBPDh is too ill to care for anyone other then himself.
So the lesson I learnt is that I am not alone. I have people who care for me, and in some capacity they will try to support me. I learnt that I can be effective and make a decision when I needed to. I didn’t think twice about coming back home. I knew what I was going to do once I arrive. I learnt that it is devastating to loose someone you love. At that point you don’t care for anything, you just want them safely home. I learnt that I can’t rely on my uBPDh during my darkest hour. I learnt that if it’s yours, it finds the way back home. I praised the almighty for teaching me this heartbreaking lesson. I’m coming back home on Friday as scheduled. I will let things take it’s natural course. I won’t add on more misery, as my uBPDh is already in hell of his own. I have two children and an amazing dog who are waiting for me to return. I have friends and perspective career to look forward to. I’m loveable loving and loved.

[formflier]

I'm glad the little dog was found.   We have a 5 pounder.  I've always had large dogs... we are several years into having this little gal... and it's amazing how they worm their way into your life.

That being said... .

So... .Snowglobe... this is my first "gut" reaction to this.

When is the appointment with you and your childs medical care team?  If there is not a firm appointment... .I'm wondering why you wouldn't be on the train back tomorrow (not Friday) to sort all this out in person.

I get it that there is a difference in a dog/child/loved one is actually missing... I don't want to conflate the missing dog with proper care for your son.

However... .I think it wise to not totally ignore the reactions to both events. 

It's wise to ask yourself if you are putting the proper amount of energy in the right place.

All systems got mobilized to find the missing family member.

compared to

Clarity that you husband is in some manner "using" your children for his emotional regulation and an impact on your children because you husband is ignoring medical advice and actually doing the opposite towards your children.

How would you look at your husband if he got on the phone and cancelled/turned off your efforts to rescue/find your dog?

yet...

How do you look at your husband who cancels/turns off efforts to properly care for your children, especially those with unique needs.

Please sit with this for a while... .as will I.

Again... this is my first reaction... .

FF

[AskingWhy]

Snowglobe, I know if anything like that happened to my pets, the world would stand still.  I would be unspeakably terrified.  A pet is like an innocent toddler.  I am relieved your dog was found.

That is why I don't trust my pets to anyone in the family (least of all the adult uBPD and uNPD children).  They just don't care enough to watch the pets to ensure their safety.  I can easily see they would let a cat or dog slip through a door and then complain at my distress, "Hey, it's just a cat/dog!"

Dogs and cats are escape artists, sadly, so I would keep the dog in a playpen when you are not around him, or keep him in a room with a permanent doggy/child safety gate.  Potty train him to go on potty pads so he won't need supervision until you get home.

In this experience, you learned who you can and can't trust.  You can't trust your mother to be there 100% for your dog as she allowed this to happen.  She must feel horrible about it, but truth is she did not assure the dog 100% safety.  Don't blame yourself.   Just be happy the powers that be kept your dog safe, and there are people out there that are kind and caring (your father, the woman with the flyers whose husband found and took in the dog, the friends driving around and teenager, and the airline staff who refunded your ticket.)

Now do the right thing.  Do not let anyone you don't trust be near your dog, including small children who might play with the dog and "forget" to put him back in a safe place. As for microchip, many animal agencies and humane agencies will do microchips for a small fee.  Pay the price for the dog's safety and your peace of mind.

My uBPD H loves the pets, but when he is in a rage, no person or animal matter and only the rage is important.  One time we had an old dog who was sick, and H raged at the dog when he soiled himself.  H and I were losing sleep because the dog was sick and needed frequent cleaning, but H rage and yanked the dog's bed out from under the dog screaming, "Godd*** you, Fluffy!"  The dog was terrified.  That's how BPDs are. Even situations that call for compassion mean nothing to them.  I can only see H showing compassion and patience for his children (who are now all adults.)  For pwBPD, children are sometimes seen as extensions of themselves and can therefore do no wrong.